New aliens

[Bowler1]

Some new aliens, but they don’t know it yet. They are a more primitive species and the start of the storyline, is from the primitive alien POV and what follows in an introduction to one of the main characters. Trust me, this is hard SciFi, the technology comes much later when the humans land!

It ends about half way through, such is life, but clearly our hero has a dance and does very well indeed. There are machine guns in the crates, which Ory-Pring talks to him about later, and they all head off to war after that. Think dog/kangaroo mix, but that comes later, it’s all reader imagination for now.

# # #

Second Lieutenant Isha-Redd had been standing stiffly for the last two hours, and had been almost completely ignored during that time, which suited him just fine. Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening. The sounds of laughter and conversation were a counter point to the music; ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone. He refused to join his fellow officers, who vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society, the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, a fact he was only too well aware of.

‘There’s the fellow now, yes him, the stuffy one in the corner,’ said a voice from behind Isha-Reddd, it sounded like Thee-Lo.

‘Good evening, Captain,’ saluted Isha-Redd, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo, returning a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd, clearly the worse for wear.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment sir.’

‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us,’ said Thee-Lo, turning to look behind him,
‘where has that fellow gone again, Ory-Pring, where the Tempter have you gone?’

‘I’m here, getting punch for us all,’ replied Ory-Pring, elbowing his way over to them.

‘Jolly well done, Ory-Pring, I should have thought of that myself. Clear officer material, what do you say, Isha-Redd?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘Stop that Isha-Redd, this is not the parade ground, you can relax. I have brought a drinks for us all, here, take one.’

‘Thank you sir, but I don’t drink.’

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company,’ said Thee-Lo, breathing heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle, Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.

Ory-Pring winked at Isha-Redd as he handed him his small cup, filled with the deep red drink. ‘This has not been spiked too much yet Isha-Redd, even you should be able to manage it.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘Look at him; you’d swear we were making you drink poison. You’re in the army now, not suckling like some pup, drink up and be a Monco about it,’ demanded Thee-Lo.

Thee-Lo knocked back his drink in one go, while Isha-Redd took a sip of his, it tasted very strong to him and he suspected the punch bowls had already been heavily spiked.

‘Ohh my, I take back what I said, Isha-Redd,’ coughed Ory-Pring, his ears cocked forward in surprise.

‘That was mothers’ milk, what are you two like.’

‘It was fine sir, not too strong at all,’ replied Isha-Redd, to a surprised look from Ory-Pring.

‘I have dances soon so I’ll get straight to the point. I need some heavy equipment carried with us when we deploy, and you’re the Monco that can do it for me. Two crates that my Father says I must take with me, only the Great Woo knows why. What do you say, you’ll do it for me?’ asked Thee-Lo.

‘I’m sorry sir; space on the supply wagons is very limited, essential supplies only.’

‘Do you know who my Father is?’

‘Of course I do sir, everyone knows who you are,’ replied Isha-Redd.

This seemed to put Thee-Lo out, and he stared angrily at Isha-Redd, wondering what his next course of action should be.

‘Isha-Redd, surly there must be some sort of…’ said Ory-Pring, his sentence unfinished.

‘There you both are, what are you doing here in this dark corner and who is this, have you been picking on junior officers again?’ demanded a beauty that took Isha-Redd’s breath away. She had sleek, light tan coloured fur that complemented her pink gown wonderfully, bright intelligent eyes and ears cocked forward attentively.

‘I was not; I was just asking him to carry some crates in the supply train for Father.’

‘You must forgive my brother. I suspect he has been lapping up the contents of the punch bowl. I’m Sco-Lo, pleased to meet you.’

‘Ahmm, hello… Isha-Redd,’ stammering a reply.

‘How wonderful, the Redd family are an old and well respected family, I’m so glad you could make our farewell ball. Have you had many dances yet?’

Both Thee-Lo and Ory-Pring barked laughter before Sco-Lo silenced them with a look.

‘I’m sorry for my brother’s poor manners; we do not treat guests like that in this house.’

‘I have felt only the warmest of welcome this evening, your brother has been a gracious host,’ replied Isha-Redd, feeling embarrassed and awkward in the company of this female. He wondered if his snout hairs were correctly waxed and hoped his tail collar was still in place.

‘I doubt that, but it was nice of you to come to his defence. I would like to see if I can get you a dance or two tonight, there are many of my friends who would be delighted to meet you, would you permit me to make introductions?’

‘No thank you, I have duties later and must go soon,’ replied Isha-Redd, lying.

‘Duties? Do not worry about your duties, Thee-Lo and I will cover for you tomorrow, feel free to stay and enjoy the ball,’ smirked Ory-Pring, enjoying Isha-Redd’s discomfort.

‘You must stay, you must let me see to a dance for you, please, let me assist?’ insisted Sco-Lo.

‘Cousin dear, I have a solution to all our problems,’ said Ory-Pring.

‘Ohhh, you do, what solution is that then?’

‘We need crates shipped with the regiment, and Isha-Redd needs at least one dance before we deploy. You would be of great service to your brother and I, if you could help us out of a difficult predicament. What do you say, Sco-Lo?’

Pausing for just a moment, she replied. ‘I don’t know what you mean, Ory-Pring, how could I possibly be of assistance?’

Later when Isha-Redd was alone with his thoughts, he had time to wonder why she allowed herself to be placed into the situation that arose.

‘We need two crates; and Isha-Redd here needs a dance. I even think two dances would be fair, after all, there are two crates,’ said Ory-Pring, very sincere and serious.

Thee-Lo barked laughter again.

‘Thee-Lo, where are you manners, please behave,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘Yes indeed Thee-Lo, where are your manners,’ added Ory-Pring, winking to Thee-Lo while his sister’s back was to him.

‘There is no need, we can discuss this tomorrow as gents and arrive at a compromise that will keep us all happy, of that I’m sure,’ said Isha-Redd, trying to stay out of any games the other two had in mind.

‘Not at all Isha-Redd, my sister is right; I have been remiss and uncouth. You are a guest under our roof tonight, and you shall be treated with all respect. Sco-Lo dear, is there any space left on your dance card?’

‘I cannot say, this is most un-conventional, this is not how I should be asked for a dance, you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘You are right cousin, my apologies to you. Isha-Redd, please, try your luck and see how you do?’

‘Yes indeed, Isha-Redd. My sister, I’m sure, would be delighted to dance with you, all you need do is ask,’ laughed Thee-Lo.

Feeling trapped and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him, he felt his heart skip a beat. ‘I would be honoured if I could have a dance with you, if only there were space on your dance card.’

‘Why, let me see,’ she replied, pulling a little note book from inside one of her gloves. ‘How lucky, I have a waltz free if you’d like?’

‘Ahhh, ahhh.’

‘You have spa…,’ spluttered Thee-Lo, stopping himself before he went too far.

‘He would be delighted, when is this waltz?’ asked Ory-Pring, smiling happily.

‘Just before the second rest point, I look forward to our waltz then, Isha-Redd, is that correct?’ she asked, with a small gold pen poised.

‘Yes, yes it is.’

‘There is another spot free, just here Sco-Lo,’ said Ory-Pring, looking into the small book she used to keep track of her dances.

‘I was so hoping to sit out the Vnese Waltz, it is so energetic and my card is so full.’

‘Isha-Redd won’t mind, now will you?’ asked Ory-Pring, now winking in his direction.

‘Sco-Lo is right, it is a difficult dance, you are right to sit that one out,’ added Isha-Redd, hoping she would take the opportunity when presented.

‘Difficult? What do you mean by difficult?’ she snapped back.

‘I..I..I’m sorry; it’s a very fast waltz.’

‘I shall see you for the Vnese Waltz, I’ll show you difficult.’ With that she turned on her heal and was gone.

[paradoxical]

Watch your sentence structure. You have a tendency to write run-ons and sentences that just don't quite... go together which hinders the flow.

"Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening."

The latter, for instance, doesn't really make sense because you say "now" and "this" without giving any real indication.

You could avoid the problem all together by trying to make things more... punchy. "Music drifted in from the nearby room, already crowded" or you could blend "Music and snatches of conversation drifted out from the crowded room" etc.

[Bowler1]

Thank you for your comment, noted.

[David Evil Overlord]

Second Lieutenant Isha-Redd had been standing stiffly for the last two hours, and had been almost completely ignored during that time, which suited him just fine. Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening. The sounds of laughter and conversation were a counter point to the music; ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone. He refused to join his fellow officers, who vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society, the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, a fact he was only too well aware of.

‘There’s the fellow now, yes him, the stuffy one in the corner,’ said a voice from behind Isha-Reddd, it sounded like Thee-Lo.

‘Good evening, Captain,’ saluted Isha-Redd, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo, returning a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd, clearly the worse for wear.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment sir.’

‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us,’ said Thee-Lo, turning to look behind him,
‘where has that fellow gone again, Ory-Pring, where the Tempter (good introduction to their religion, cursing in the name of what I assume is their devil) have you gone?’

‘I’m here, getting punch for us all,’ replied Ory-Pring, elbowing his way over to them.

‘Jolly well done, Ory-Pring, I should have thought of that myself. Clear officer material, what do you say, Isha-Redd?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘Stop that Isha-Redd, this is not the parade ground, you can relax. I have brought a drinks for us all, here, take one.’

‘Thank you sir, but I don’t drink.’

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company,’ said Thee-Lo, breathing heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle, Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.

Ory-Pring winked at Isha-Redd as he handed him his small cup, filled with the deep red drink. ‘This has not been spiked too much yet Isha-Redd, even you should be able to manage it.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘Look at him; you’d swear we were making you drink poison. You’re in the army now, not suckling like some pup, drink up and be a Monco about it,’ demanded Thee-Lo.

Thee-Lo knocked back his drink in one go, while Isha-Redd took a sip of his, it tasted very strong to him and he suspected the punch bowls had already been heavily spiked.

‘Ohh my, I take back what I said, Isha-Redd,’ coughed Ory-Pring, his ears cocked forward in surprise.

‘That was mothers’ milk, what are you two like.’

‘It was fine sir, not too strong at all,’ replied Isha-Redd, to a surprised look from Ory-Pring.

‘I have dances soon so I’ll get straight to the point. I need some heavy equipment carried with us when we deploy, and you’re the Monco that can do it for me. Two crates that my Father says I must take with me, only the Great Woo knows why. What do you say, you’ll do it for me?’ asked Thee-Lo.

‘I’m sorry sir; space on the supply wagons is very limited, essential supplies only.’

‘Do you know who my Father is?’

‘Of course I do sir, everyone knows who you are,’ replied Isha-Redd.

This seemed to put Thee-Lo out, and he stared angrily at Isha-Redd, (perhaps note that Thee-Lo stares angrily "as if wondering" or "clearly wondering", since the first section appeared to be from Isha-Redd's POV, and dog-kangaroos shouldn't head-hop) wondering what his next course of action should be.

‘Isha-Redd, surly (surely) there must be some sort of…’ said Ory-Pring, his sentence unfinished.

‘There you both are, what are you doing here in this dark corner and who is this, have you been picking on junior officers again?’ demanded a beauty that took Isha-Redd’s breath away. She had sleek, light tan coloured fur that complemented her pink gown wonderfully, bright intelligent eyes and ears cocked forward attentively.

‘I was not; I was just asking him to carry some crates in the supply train for Father.’

‘You must forgive my brother. I suspect he has been lapping up the contents of the punch bowl. I’m Sco-Lo, pleased to meet you.’

‘Ahmm, hello… Isha-Redd,’ stammering a reply.

‘How wonderful, the Redd family are an old and well respected family, I’m so glad you could make our farewell ball. Have you had many dances yet?’

Both Thee-Lo and Ory-Pring barked laughter before Sco-Lo silenced them with a look.

‘I’m sorry for my brother’s poor manners; we do not treat guests like that in this house.’

‘I have felt only the warmest of welcome this evening, your brother has been a gracious host,’ replied Isha-Redd, feeling embarrassed and awkward in the company of this female. He wondered if his snout hairs were correctly waxed and hoped his tail collar was still in place.

‘I doubt that, but it was nice of you to come to his defence. I would like to see if I can get you a dance or two tonight, there are many of my friends who would be delighted to meet you, would you permit me to make introductions?’

‘No thank you, I have duties later and must go soon,’ replied Isha-Redd, lying.

‘Duties? Do not worry about your duties, Thee-Lo and I will cover for you tomorrow, feel free to stay and enjoy the ball,’ smirked Ory-Pring, enjoying Isha-Redd’s discomfort.

‘You must stay, you must let me see to a dance for you, please, let me assist?’ insisted Sco-Lo.

‘Cousin dear, I have a solution to all our problems,’ said Ory-Pring.

‘Ohhh, you do, what solution is that then?’

‘We need crates shipped with the regiment, and Isha-Redd needs at least one dance before we deploy. You would be of great service to your brother and I, if you could help us out of a difficult predicament. What do you say, Sco-Lo?’

Pausing for just a moment, she replied. ‘I don’t know what you mean, Ory-Pring, how could I possibly be of assistance?’

Later when Isha-Redd was alone with his thoughts, he had time to wonder why she allowed herself to be placed into the situation that arose.

‘We need two crates; and Isha-Redd here needs a dance. I even think two dances would be fair, after all, there are two crates,’ said Ory-Pring, very sincere and serious.

Thee-Lo barked laughter again.

‘Thee-Lo, where are you manners, please behave,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘Yes indeed Thee-Lo, where are your manners,’ added Ory-Pring, winking to Thee-Lo while his sister’s back was to him.

‘There is no need, we can discuss this tomorrow as gents and arrive at a compromise that will keep us all happy, of that I’m sure,’ said Isha-Redd, trying to stay out of any games the other two had in mind.

‘Not at all Isha-Redd, my sister is right; I have been remiss and uncouth. You are a guest under our roof tonight, and you shall be treated with all respect. Sco-Lo dear, is there any space left on your dance card?’

‘I cannot say, this is most un-conventional, this is not how I should be asked for a dance, you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘You are right cousin, my apologies to you. Isha-Redd, please, try your luck and see how you do?’

‘Yes indeed, Isha-Redd. My sister, I’m sure, would be delighted to dance with you, all you need do is ask,’ laughed Thee-Lo.

Feeling trapped and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him, he felt his heart skip a beat. ‘I would be honoured if I could have a dance with you, if only there were space on your dance card.’

‘Why, let me see,’ she replied, pulling a little note book from inside one of her gloves. ‘How lucky, I have a waltz free if you’d like?’

‘Ahhh, ahhh.’

‘You have spa…,’ spluttered Thee-Lo, stopping himself before he went too far.

‘He would be delighted, when is this waltz?’ asked Ory-Pring, smiling happily.

‘Just before the second rest point, I look forward to our waltz then, Isha-Redd, is that correct?’ she asked, with a small gold pen poised.

‘Yes, yes it is.’

‘There is another spot free, just here Sco-Lo,’ said Ory-Pring, looking into the small book she used to keep track of her dances.

‘I was so hoping to sit out the Vnese Waltz, it is so energetic and my card is so full.’

‘Isha-Redd won’t mind, now will you?’ asked Ory-Pring, now winking in his direction.

‘Sco-Lo is right, it is a difficult dance, you are right to sit that one out,’ added Isha-Redd, hoping she would take the opportunity when presented.

‘Difficult? What do you mean by difficult?’ she snapped back.

‘I..I..I’m sorry; it’s a very fast waltz.’

‘I shall see you for the Vnese Waltz, I’ll show you difficult.’ With that she turned on her heal (heel) and was gone.

Hi, Bowler. I can picture the aliens as behaving like those who purchased their commissions here on earth from around the 17th to the 19th centuries. Very well grounded in the earth-like aspects of their culture, down to the bullying, drinking and social climbing.

I agree with Paradoxical, some of the sentences ran on a little long. Especially some of the dialogue. For example: ‘I cannot say, this is most un-conventional, this is not how I should be asked for a dance, you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo. I would break Sco-Lo's single sentence into at least two. Maybe you're trying to give your aliens a distinctive grammar and sentence structure, but it seems the sentence structure is a little over-long.

As always, just my opinion. Hope it helps.

[Bowler1]

I am currently trying to give my aliens a voice that feels different. Noted twice now and will go away and review. Well spotted on my missing 'e' - twice, leaves muttering about spelling & grammer tools!

Oh, yes, thank you both for the reviews.

[Jammill Khursheed]

Second Lieutenant Isha-Redd Isha sounds more like a girl's name to me than a male name (in Arabic 'Aisha' which reads off the page the same, is the female equivalent of 'Issa' which means 'Jesus') had been standing stiffly for the last two hours, and had been almost completely ignored during that time, which suited him just fine. Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening. "The sound of laughter and conversation WAS a counter point to the music;" Also, if something is working as a counterpoint, musically, it wouldn't be ruining anything, musical counterpoints are a good thing ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone. He refused to join his fellow officers, who vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society,Full stop and new sentence the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, a fact he was only too well aware of.

‘There’s the fellow now, yes him, the stuffy one in the corner,’ said a voice from behind Isha-Reddd, it sounded like Thee-Lo.

‘Good evening, Captain,’ saluted Isha-Redd, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo, returning a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd "him" would work better than using the name here , clearly the worse for wear.


I did read the rest (honest guv'nor) but there's nothing that stood out enough to point out bit by bit that hasn't already been picked up by others... The only real problem apart from the length of sentences I can see is the un-necessary overuse of names in both the dialogue (this might be intentional for making a point, but it feels overmade if it is), and the prose (which doesn't add anything to the characterisation or speech patterns of the aliens)...

It worked in the last thing of yours I critted (not sure if this is from the same piece), but that worked in the context of the scene, not as a general writing style even it is only for the same book (and works even less if its how you'll write everything ever if its not the same piece)...

Overall I liked the characterisation and the similarities to older human society (Didn't think I'd be reading about a space kangaroo debutant ball when I got up this morning, but it works), but if they are having waltzes they need to have had some sort of previous close contact with humanity, and if they have I'm sure they would still call it a Viennese Waltz instead of a Venesse one...


Jammill

[Bowler1]

Thank you, Jammill. I have being trying a different style/voice here, hence the long winded talking, this will have to be reviewed.

Waltz is a type of dance and I don't want to re-invent the wheel here mate. Should I just stick to the human names for their dances for all, or, as I have done twist the name a little? The jury is still out on that one even for me.

[The Judge]

But a waltz is a very specific type of dance, bowler. If these are aliens, would they really have created exactly the same kind of 3/4 time music and exactly the same kind of sliding/gliding steps and the turning and moving around the ballroom with the male leading? Dances arise out of society in the same way that music and literature do, so for me, at least, the idea that these aliens have a waltz is too much -- although it instantly conjures up the 19th century for us which may be what you wish to evoke, it seems a bit of a cheat, even that you're not yourself taking the world-building seriously.

Do these aliens know about humans? Have they access to human customs? If so, then either you can have the human-waltz the latest craze, or your hero can think to himself how like the splodge dance is to a human waltz (except splodging is nobler and more difficult and generally superior, of course), if you want to get across the idea of what it is like. Personally, though, I'd give it a new name, and just refer in general terms to the movements they make, and people can interpret the dance as they want, whether as a waltz, a polka, a gavotte or whatever.

[ctg]

Hi, it's me again. Sorry I have been busy and too tired to do any critiques lately. But here's one now.

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Second Lieutenant Isha-Redd had been standing stiffly for the last two hours. {Add a subject: human, dog or chicken drumstick, and adjust rest of the sentence} almost completely ignored during that time, which suited him just fine. Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening. The sounds of laughter and conversation were a counter point to the music; ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone. He refused to join his fellow officers, who vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society, the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, a fact he was only too well aware of.

I believe you're purposely making him to appear weak, but then again, you don't give him other characteristics, like drinking habits, looking out from the windows, while imagining a round with a three-titted alien. This is a chance, not only for your character but also for your aliens. And what I'm imagining at this point isn't exactly an alien, but an uniform standing at near by room, possibly fitted with a bar, smoking and pulling his lips down in traditional fish-face style, while he's watching others getting chance to dip their sausage in the [censored].

So I'm asking you as a reader and a fellow writer, why should I care?

‘There’s the fellow now, yes him, the stuffy one in the corner,’ said a voice from behind Isha-Reddd, it sounded like Thee-Lo.

‘Good evening, Captain,’ saluted Isha-Redd, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo, returning a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd, clearly the worse for wear.

Indeed.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment sir.’

Bollocks

‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us,’ said Thee-Lo, turning to look behind him, ‘where has that fellow gone again, Ory-Pring, where the Tempter have you gone?’

‘I’m here, getting punch for us all,’ replied Ory-Pring, elbowing his way over to them.

Sorry. Had to stop here. Brilliant dialogue. Draw me in as you can see from my entries. I got exactly the same thought as the captain had, so well done. But... Ory-what's-his-name elbowing his way over whom? I don't get an image or understand whom you're a meaning.

Note at the moment there's no ballroom, but a smoky bunker filled with soldier and lustful types, and the captain is one the german das boot (extended edition) officers with an aim to get absolutely wasted before they deploy to a long mission.

‘Jolly well done, Ory-Pring, I should have thought of that myself. Clear officer material, what do you say, Isha-Redd?’

Das boot is out, and the captain is replaced with a good old Jim, with a handlebar moustache and whisky drinking attitude.

[quote]
‘Yes sir.’

‘Stop that Isha-Redd, this is not the parade ground, you can relax. I have brought a drinks for us all, here, take one.’

‘Thank you sir, but I don’t drink.’

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company,’ said Thee-Lo, breathing heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle, Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.
[quote]

Das Boot is back in, but instead of that bearded das boot captain, I'm having Jim standing in his place with that slick, half-balding German navigator giggling under his arm. But I'm also having a serious issue here.

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company,’ said Thee-Lo, breathing heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle, Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.

Too many times I have seen this come across to make me think that you have established your style, or then you don't know exactly how to associate action description with dialogue without using said tag. Watch carefully and analyse how and why I did it.

"You'll have a drink." Thee-Lo poked his talon Isha-Redd's chest. "Curse you," he raised his voice as he turned around slowly with the navigator under his arm. "NO JUNIOR OFFICER GOES WITHOUT..." He stopped barf fumes on Isha's face. "... on my company."

The idea is to get away from the habit of using comma, action-description after the said tag by carrying the action and description through many sentences, while you provide more characteristics to your main POV and sides.

‘Isha-Redd, surly there must be some sort of…’ Ory-Pring started. , his sentence unfinished.

I know what the lot say about saidism, but this time your said was too much with the sentence end proposition.

‘No thank you, I have duties later and must go soon,’ replied Isha-Redd, lying.

Same thing. Use lied.

Later when Isha-Redd was alone with his thoughts, he had time to wonder why she allowed herself to be placed into the situation that arose.

‘We need two crates; and Isha-Redd here needs a dance. I even think two dances would be fair, after all, there are two crates,’ said Ory-Pring, very sincere and serious.

Thee-Lo barked laughter again.

‘Thee-Lo, where are you manners, please behave,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘Yes indeed Thee-Lo, where are your manners,’ added Ory-Pring, winking to Thee-Lo while his sister’s back was to him.

‘There is no need, we can discuss this tomorrow as gents and arrive at a compromise that will keep us all happy, of that I’m sure,’ said Isha-Redd, trying to stay out of any games the other two had in mind.

‘Not at all Isha-Redd, my sister is right; I have been remiss and uncouth. You are a guest under our roof tonight, and you shall be treated with all respect. Sco-Lo dear, is there any space left on your dance card?’

‘I cannot say, this is most un-conventional, this is not how I should be asked for a dance, you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘You are right cousin, my apologies to you. Isha-Redd, please, try your luck and see how you do?’

‘Yes indeed, Isha-Redd. My sister, I’m sure, would be delighted to dance with you, all you need do is ask,’ laughed Thee-Lo.

Feeling trapped and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him, he felt his heart skip a beat. ‘I would be honoured if I could have a dance with you, if only there were space on your dance card.’

‘Why, let me see,’ she replied, pulling a little note book from inside one of her gloves. ‘How lucky, I have a waltz free if you’d like?’

‘Ahhh, ahhh.’

‘You have spa…,’ spluttered Thee-Lo, stopping himself before he went too far.

‘He would be delighted, when is this waltz?’ asked Ory-Pring, smiling happily.

‘Just before the second rest point, I look forward to our waltz then, Isha-Redd, is that correct?’ she asked, with a small gold pen poised.

‘Yes, yes it is.’

‘There is another spot free, just here Sco-Lo,’ said Ory-Pring, looking into the small book she used to keep track of her dances.

‘I was so hoping to sit out the Vnese Waltz, it is so energetic and my card is so full.’

‘Isha-Redd won’t mind, now will you?’ asked Ory-Pring, now winking in his direction.

‘Sco-Lo is right, it is a difficult dance, you are right to sit that one out,’ added Isha-Redd, hoping she would take the opportunity when presented.

‘Difficult? What do you mean by difficult?’ she snapped back.

‘I..I..I’m sorry; it’s a very fast waltz.’

‘I shall see you for the Vnese Waltz, I’ll show you difficult.’ With that she turned on her heal and was gone.

This all read a bit too much like human affairs, not aliens, and I see the point of waltz. And I'm not sure if you should go down the traditional human style, when you have already produced wonderful, quirky aliens. Why cannot you be bold and do something extravagant?

[Bowler1]

A fair comment, CTG, the longer plot on this is similar yet different. You're right I have other very quirky aliens running about and their still a WIP. The quirky ones are also putting up a good fight and will take time to write. One easy set of aliens, another tough bunch and I'm switching between them depending on my mood and how busy a week I've had etc.

Thank you for the vote of confidence, mate, appreciate it.

Good to have you back reviewing and comments noted.

[Phyrebrat]

Originally Posted by The Judge

Dances arise out of society in the same way that music and literature do, so for me, at least, the idea that these aliens have a waltz is too much -- although it instantly conjures up the 19th century for us which may be what you wish to evoke, it seems a bit of a cheat, even that you're not yourself taking the world-building seriously.

(I promise I'm not stalking you, TJ )

This is an extremely relevant point; as a dance teacher (academic and in practice) I'm always banging on to my kids about how dance evolves. Dance moves as people do (in terms of migration, etc).

I read a very interesting essay on this recently, if you want me to find the book and let you know, I'm happy to give you the reference details: In the turn of the 1900s when the working classes on the docks in South America were doing their more freely expressed and sexualised dances (what we may now think of as Latin ballroom styles), there was an inevitable co-export to the rarefied and la-di-dah tea rooms of Paris and London. However, for that repressed westernised society the aesthetic changed. For example, it was desexualised by proximity between dancers increasing, and the mobilisation of the hips being turned down.

It's a nice compact example of how dances evolve. Maybe your waltz could benefit from this approach.

I'm currently working with some boys in Hackney on a krump module. The American style of krump (it originated in South Central LA, Compton, Watts, etc) is far more expansive in terms of arm swings and gesture. The kids I work with keep their chops and arm swings much tighter to their body and tend to wobble around a lot more like the nodding dogs in the back of a car (Oh, how they would scream if they herd me compare them to nodding dogs, ha).

All dance is interpreted and restyled by the receiving culture; this in informed by the social norms of that society. The question you have to ask is how did it get there (to your world) in the first place? Work that out and the dance will make itself (so to speak)

pH

[chrispenycate]

One or two comma splices I've marked; Perhaps a few might pass, but…

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Some new aliens, but they don’t know it yet. They are a more primitive species and the start of the storyline, is from the primitive alien POV and what follows in an introduction to one of the main characters. Trust me, this is hard SciFi, the technology comes much later when the humans land!

It ends about half way through, such is life, but clearly our hero has a dance and does very well indeed. There are machine guns in the crates, which Ory-Pring talks to him about later, and they all head off to war after that. Think dog/kangaroo mix, but that comes later, it’s all reader imagination for now.

# # #

Second Lieutenant Isha-Redd had been standing stiffly for the last two hours, and had been almost completely ignored during that time, which suited him just fine. Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening. The sounds of laughter and conversation were a counter point

counterpoint

to the music; ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone. He refused to join his fellow officers, who vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society, the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility

Presumably they are all from the same nobility; it is more his noble family which is down on its luck.

, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, a fact he was only too well aware of.

‘There’s the fellow now,

Comma splice

yes him, the stuffy one in the corner,’ said a voice from behind Isha-Reddd,

Comma splice

it sounded like Thee-Lo.

Good evening, Captain,’ saluted Isha-Redd, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo, returning a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd, clearly the worse for wear.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment sir.’

‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us,’ said Thee-Lo, turning to look behind him,

Comma splice

‘where has that fellow gone again,

Comma splice

Ory-Pring, where the Tempter have you gone?’

I’m here, getting punch for us all,’ replied Ory-Pring, elbowing his way over to them.

‘Jolly well done, Ory-Pring, I should have thought of that myself. Clear officer material, what do you say, Isha-Redd?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘Stop that Isha-Redd,

Comma splice

this is not the parade ground,

Comma splice

you can relax. I have brought a drinks for us all,

Comma splice

here, take one.’

‘Thank you sir, but I don’t drink.’

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company,’ said Thee-Lo, breathing heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle,

Comma splice

Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.

Ory-Pring winked at Isha-Redd as he handed him his small cup,

Probably no comma

filled with the deep red drink. ‘This has not been spiked too much yet

Comma

Isha-Redd,

Comma splice

even you should be able to manage it.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘Look at him; you’d swear we were making you drink poison. You’re in the army now, not suckling like some pup,

Comma splice

drink up and be a Monco about it,’ demanded Thee-Lo.

Thee-Lo knocked back his drink in one go, while Isha-Redd took a sip of his,

Comma splice

it tasted very strong to him and he suspected the punch bowls had already been heavily spiked.

‘Ohh my, I take back what I said, Isha-Redd,’ coughed Ory-Pring, his ears cocked forward in surprise.

‘That was mothers’ milk,

Comma splice

what are you two like.’

‘It was fine sir, not too strong at all,’ replied Isha-Redd, to a surprised look from Ory-Pring.

‘I have dances soon so I’ll get straight to the point. I need some heavy equipment carried with us when we deploy, and you’re the Monco that can do it for me. Two crates that my Father says I must take with me, only the Great Woo knows why. What do you say,

Comma splice

you’ll do it for me?’ asked Thee-Lo.

‘I’m sorry sir; space on the supply wagons is very limited, essential supplies only.’

‘Do you know who my Father is?’

‘Of course I do sir,

Comma splice

everyone knows who you are,’ replied Isha-Redd.

This seemed to put Thee-Lo out, and he stared angrily at Isha-Redd, wondering what his next course of action should be.

‘Isha-Redd, surly

surely (well, perhaps he is surly, but wouldn't say it.)

there must be some sort of…’ said Ory-Pring, his sentence unfinished.

‘There you both are,

Comma splice

what are you doing here in this dark corner and who is this,

Comma splice

have you been picking on junior officers again?’ demanded a beauty that

If you are using the term "beauty" to describe an entity rather than a quality wouldn't it be polite to use "who" rather than "that"?

took Isha-Redd’s breath away. She had sleek, light tan coloured fur that complemented her pink gown wonderfully, bright intelligent eyes and ears cocked forward attentively.

‘I was not; I was just asking him to carry some crates in the supply train for Father.’

‘You must forgive my brother. I suspect he has been lapping up the contents of the punch bowl. I’m Sco-Lo, pleased to meet you.’

‘Ahmm, hello… Isha-Redd,’ stammering a reply

‘How wonderful, the Redd family are an old and well respected family,

Comma splice

I’m so glad you could make our farewell ball. Have you had many dances yet?’

Both Thee-Lo and Ory-Pring barked laughter before Sco-Lo silenced them with a look.

‘I’m sorry for my brother’s poor manners; we do not treat guests like that in this house.’

‘I have felt only the warmest of welcome this evening,

Comma splice

your brother has been a gracious host,’ replied Isha-Redd, feeling embarrassed and awkward in the company of this female. He wondered if his snout hairs were correctly waxed and hoped his tail collar was still in place.

‘I doubt that, but it was nice of you to come to his defence. I would like to see if I can get you a dance or two tonight,

Comma splice

there are many of my friends who would be delighted to meet you,

Comma splice

would you permit me to make introductions?’

‘No thank you,

Comma splice

I have duties later and must go soon,’ replied Isha-Redd, lying.

‘Duties? Do not worry about your duties,

Comma splice

Thee-Lo and I will cover for you tomorrow,

Comma splice

feel free to stay and enjoy the ball,’ smirked Ory-Pring, enjoying Isha-Redd’s discomfort.

‘You must stay, you must let me see to a dance for you,

Comma splice

please, let me assist?’ insisted Sco-Lo.

‘Cousin dear, I have a solution to all our problems,’ said Ory-Pring.

‘Ohhh, you do,

Comma splice

what solution is that then?’

We need crates shipped with the regiment, and Isha-Redd needs at least one dance before we deploy. You would be of great service to your brother and I

brother and me

, if you could help us out of a difficult predicament. What do you say, Sco-Lo?’

Pausing for just a moment, she replied. ‘I don’t know what you mean, Ory-Pring,

Comma splice

how could I possibly be of assistance?’

Later

Comma

when Isha-Redd was alone with his thoughts, he had time to wonder why she allowed herself to be placed into the situation that arose.

‘We need two crates; and Isha-Redd here needs a dance. I even think two dances would be fair,

Comma splice

after all, there are two crates,’ said Ory-Pring, very sincere and serious.

Thee-Lo barked laughter again.

‘Thee-Lo, where are you

your

manners,

Question mark

please behave,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘Yes indeed Thee-Lo, where are your manners,

Question mark

’ added Ory-Pring, winking to Thee-Lo while his sister’s back was to him.

‘There is no need,

Comma splice

we can discuss this tomorrow as gents and arrive at a compromise that will keep us all happy, of that I’m sure,’ said Isha-Redd, trying to stay out of any games the other two had in mind.

‘Not at all Isha-Redd, my sister is right; I have been remiss and uncouth. You are a guest under our roof tonight, and you shall be treated with all respect. Sco-Lo dear, is there any space left on your dance card?’

‘I cannot say,

Comma splice

this is most un-conventional,

Comma splice

this is not how I should be asked for a dance,

Comma splice

you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘You are right cousin, my apologies to you. Isha-Redd, please, try your luck and see how you do?’

‘Yes indeed, Isha-Redd. My sister, I’m sure, would be delighted to dance with you,

Comma splice

all you need do is ask,’ laughed Thee-Lo.

Feeling trapped and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him,

Comma splice

he felt his heart skip a beat. ‘I would be honoured if I could have a dance with you, if only there were space on your dance card.’

‘Why, let me see,’ she replied, pulling a little note book from inside one of her gloves. ‘How lucky, I have a waltz free if you’d like?’

‘Ahhh, ahhh.’

‘You have spa…,’ spluttered Thee-Lo, stopping himself before he went too far.

‘He would be delighted,

Comma splice

when is this waltz?’ asked Ory-Pring, smiling happily.

‘Just before the second rest point,

Comma splice

I look forward to our waltz then, Isha-Redd,

Comma splice

is that correct?’ she asked, with a small gold pen poised.

‘Yes, yes it is.’

‘There is another spot free, just here

Comma

Sco-Lo,’ said Ory-Pring, looking into the small book she used to keep track of her dances.

I was so hoping to sit out the Vnese Waltz,

Comma splice

it is so energetic and my card is so full.’

‘Isha-Redd won’t mind, now will you?’ asked Ory-Pring, now winking in his direction.

‘Sco-Lo is right,

Comma splice

it is a difficult dance,

Comma splice

you are right to sit that one out,’ added Isha-Redd, hoping she would take the opportunity when presented.

‘Difficult? What do you mean by difficult?’ she snapped back.

‘I..I..I’m sorry; it’s a very fast waltz.’

]‘I shall see you for the Vnese Waltz, I’ll show you difficult.’ With that she turned on her heal

heel

and was gone.

[David Evil Overlord]

A thought on the dances, Bowler. Don't know how many pictures of kangaroos you've looked at, but they tend to have very big feet. In fact, their scientific family name is macropodidae which means...big feet. So, dancing a waltz may be hard to do without treading on your partner-kangaroo's very big, long toes.

A suggestion -- you do say dog-kangaroo mix, and this gives you an Earth creature you might use as a template for your aliens. The Thylacine, or Tasmanian Tiger, or Tasmanian Wolf. A marsupial carnivore (sadly extinct since 1933) that was shaped like a dog, striped dark brown across the hindquarters, and with a mouth that could open a lot wider than any dog's. Best of all, they could get up on their hind legs and bound like a kangaroo. And their toes were short and dog-like, not great big macropodial things.

From Wikipedia: "The thylacine was noted as having a stiff and somewhat awkward gait, making it unable to run at high speed. It could also perform a bipedal hop, in a fashion similar to a kangaroo—demonstrated at various times by captive specimens. Guiler speculates that this was used as an accelerated form of motion when the animal became alarmed. The animal was also able to balance on its hind legs and stand upright for brief periods."

And here's the link, in case you want to use it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thylacine

[Jammill Khursheed]

Just a quick note... If this is from the same piece as the other hive-alien stuff that you have been posting from, having this culture take on more human traits because of their contact with them (i.e. having their own versions of a Viennese Waltz at a space-kangaroo debutant ball), this would provide a good counterpoint to the 'alienness' of 47/h4 and her little hatchlings without having to make this culture just pointy-eared humans to get the same point across...

A similar example would be Vernor Vinge's 'A Fire Upon The Deep' if you compare the Tines (who would be the human-like ones) to the Skroderiders (who think and operate very differently to the humans)...

Physically, it is a hive-mind pack of telepathically connected dogs (the Tines) compared to a tree in a motorised wheelchair (the Skroderiders), but having the humanity visible in something so physically alien as the Tines works to emphasise the differences between the Skroderiders and how they operate compared to humanity, showing that the alienness is NOT just a physical thing...


Jammill

[David Evil Overlord]

Jammill, you've just given me an idea for the 75-word challenge.