New aliens

[Bowler1]

I have had a fire in my flat about a week ago now so I have not be able to reply to any feedback. Not too serious, just the electrical fuse board, which was outside the flat so it could have been a lot worse. I did get rescued by a fireman and climb down a ladder, an experience I hope never to repeat! I have been dying to reply to Chrispy most of that time and hope have time to study your comments in the next few days. Not a word of writing in over a week and its starting to bug me!

[Bowler1]

One or two comma splices I've marked; Perhaps a few might pass, but…
counterpoint – Accepted Chrispy and I had dithered on which to use.
Quote:
to the music; ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone. He refused to join his fellow officers, who vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society, the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility

Presumably they are all from the same nobility; it is more his noble family which is down on its luck. – Correct but I don’t want to info dump the reader here.
Quote:
, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, a fact he was only too well aware of.

‘There’s the fellow now,

Comma splice – dialogue and for style pauses can be placed where the writer likes to indicate speech. This one feels correct to me. I think a lot of my commas are similar.
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yes him, the stuffy one in the corner,’ said a voice from behind Isha-Reddd,

Comma splice – I really think these should be linked, semi-colon time, what do you think Chrispy?
Quote:
it sounded like Thee-Lo.

Good evening, Captain,’ saluted Isha-Redd, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo, returning a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd, clearly the worse for wear.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment sir.’

‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us,’ said Thee-Lo, turning to look behind him,

Comma splice – as I’m breaking the dialogue with an action from the character I had used a comma, how bad an error is this Chrispy?
Quote:
‘where has that fellow gone again,

Comma splice – Yes.
Quote:
Ory-Pring, where the Tempter have you gone?’

I’m here, getting punch for us all,’ replied Ory-Pring, elbowing his way over to them.

‘Jolly well done, Ory-Pring, I should have thought of that myself. Clear officer material, what do you say, Isha-Redd?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘Stop that Isha-Redd,

Comma splice – Dialogue – I also missed a comma before the name.
Quote:
this is not the parade ground,

Comma splice – Dialogue
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you can relax. I have brought a drinks for us all,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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here, take one.’

‘Thank you sir, but I don’t drink.’

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company,’ said Thee-Lo, breathing heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle,

Comma splice – muttering about Chrispy, that one is a comma splice.
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Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.

Ory-Pring winked at Isha-Redd as he handed him his small cup,

Probably no comma – it would flow just as well without the comma, I do love your attention to detail Chrispy.
Quote:
filled with the deep red drink. ‘This has not been spiked too much yet

Comma – Correct. Direct form of address as Isha-Redd is the character’s name.
Quote:
Isha-Redd,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
even you should be able to manage it.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘Look at him; you’d swear we were making you drink poison. You’re in the army now, not suckling like some pup,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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drink up and be a Monco about it,’ demanded Thee-Lo.

Thee-Lo knocked back his drink in one go, while Isha-Redd took a sip of his,

Comma splice – A full stop would do better ok.
Quote:
it tasted very strong to him and he suspected the punch bowls had already been heavily spiked.

‘Ohh my, I take back what I said, Isha-Redd,’ coughed Ory-Pring, his ears cocked forward in surprise.

‘That was mothers’ milk,

Comma splice – Dialogue
Quote:
what are you two like.’

‘It was fine sir, not too strong at all,’ replied Isha-Redd, to a surprised look from Ory-Pring.

‘I have dances soon so I’ll get straight to the point. I need some heavy equipment carried with us when we deploy, and you’re the Monco that can do it for me. Two crates that my Father says I must take with me, only the Great Woo knows why. What do you say,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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you’ll do it for me?’ asked Thee-Lo.

‘I’m sorry sir; space on the supply wagons is very limited, essential supplies only.’

‘Do you know who my Father is?’

‘Of course I do sir,

Comma splice – Dialogue – I have also just noticed that my sir is incorrect and it should be – ‘Of course I do, Sir’ – as sir here is a title and a direct form of address. I think a lot of capital ‘S’ are missing from this section. This is from ‘The Elements of Style’ by W Strunk and E.B White. In examples of direct form of address they have used a comma before sir with a capital s. What do you think, Chrispy?
Quote:
everyone knows who you are,’ replied Isha-Redd.

This seemed to put Thee-Lo out, and he stared angrily at Isha-Redd, wondering what his next course of action should be.

‘Isha-Redd, surly

surely (well, perhaps he is surly, but wouldn't say it.) – Correct, annoying spell checks.
Quote:
there must be some sort of…’ said Ory-Pring, his sentence unfinished.

‘There you both are,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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what are you doing here in this dark corner and who is this,

Comma splice – Dialogue
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have you been picking on junior officers again?’ demanded a beauty that

If you are using the term "beauty" to describe an entity rather than a quality wouldn't it be polite to use "who" rather than "that"? – Yes, I think it would be and feels more personal to the two of them. Thank you for that.
Quote:
took Isha-Redd’s breath away. She had sleek, light tan coloured fur that complemented her pink gown wonderfully, bright intelligent eyes and ears cocked forward attentively.

‘I was not; I was just asking him to carry some crates in the supply train for Father.’

‘You must forgive my brother. I suspect he has been lapping up the contents of the punch bowl. I’m Sco-Lo, pleased to meet you.’

‘Ahmm, hello… Isha-Redd,’ stammering a reply

‘How wonderful, the Redd family are an old and well respected family,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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I’m so glad you could make our farewell ball. Have you had many dances yet?’

Both Thee-Lo and Ory-Pring barked laughter before Sco-Lo silenced them with a look.

‘I’m sorry for my brother’s poor manners; we do not treat guests like that in this house.’

‘I have felt only the warmest of welcome this evening,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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your brother has been a gracious host,’ replied Isha-Redd, feeling embarrassed and awkward in the company of this female. He wondered if his snout hairs were correctly waxed and hoped his tail collar was still in place.

‘I doubt that, but it was nice of you to come to his defence. I would like to see if I can get you a dance or two tonight,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
there are many of my friends who would be delighted to meet you,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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would you permit me to make introductions?’

‘No thank you,

Comma splice – Dialogue but in this case a full stop would be more correct as they are two separate lines.
Quote:
I have duties later and must go soon,’ replied Isha-Redd, lying.

‘Duties? Do not worry about your duties,

Comma splice – Direct form of address but not directly addressing in this case which raises interesting questions in my mind. However as it’s dialogue I’m off the hook, but I’m still feeling conflicted about this comma.
Quote:
Thee-Lo and I will cover for you tomorrow,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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feel free to stay and enjoy the ball,’ smirked Ory-Pring, enjoying Isha-Redd’s discomfort.

‘You must stay, you must let me see to a dance for you,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
please, let me assist?’ insisted Sco-Lo.

‘Cousin dear, I have a solution to all our problems,’ said Ory-Pring.

‘Ohhh, you do,

Comma splice – Dialogue, but a break would do just as well here upon reflection.
Quote:
what solution is that then?’

We need crates shipped with the regiment, and Isha-Redd needs at least one dance before we deploy. You would be of great service to your brother and I

brother and me – I have been on the internet and it seems the jury is out on this one. Confusion!
Quote:
, if you could help us out of a difficult predicament. What do you say, Sco-Lo?’

Pausing for just a moment, she replied. ‘I don’t know what you mean, Ory-Pring,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
how could I possibly be of assistance?’

Later

Comma – Correct, blindingly correct now it has been pointed out to me.
Quote:
when Isha-Redd was alone with his thoughts, he had time to wonder why she allowed herself to be placed into the situation that arose.

‘We need two crates; and Isha-Redd here needs a dance. I even think two dances would be fair,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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after all, there are two crates,’ said Ory-Pring, very sincere and serious.

Thee-Lo barked laughter again.

‘Thee-Lo, where are you

your – Ouch! That one stung you got me.
Quote:
manners,

Question mark – See above
Quote:
please behave,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘Yes indeed Thee-Lo, where are your manners,

Question mark – Three in a row and it’s starting to hurt now.
Quote:
’ added Ory-Pring, winking to Thee-Lo while his sister’s back was to him.

‘There is no need,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
we can discuss this tomorrow as gents and arrive at a compromise that will keep us all happy, of that I’m sure,’ said Isha-Redd, trying to stay out of any games the other two had in mind.

‘Not at all Isha-Redd, my sister is right; I have been remiss and uncouth. You are a guest under our roof tonight, and you shall be treated with all respect. Sco-Lo dear, is there any space left on your dance card?’

‘I cannot say,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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this is most un-conventional,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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this is not how I should be asked for a dance,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘You are right cousin, my apologies to you. Isha-Redd, please, try your luck and see how you do?’

‘Yes indeed, Isha-Redd. My sister, I’m sure, would be delighted to dance with you,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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all you need do is ask,’ laughed Thee-Lo.

Feeling trapped and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him,

Comma splice – Would a semi colon do better here as I still want to keep the flow going and a full stop does not feel right to me here.
Quote:
he felt his heart skip a beat. ‘I would be honoured if I could have a dance with you, if only there were space on your dance card.’

‘Why, let me see,’ she replied, pulling a little note book from inside one of her gloves. ‘How lucky, I have a waltz free if you’d like?’

‘Ahhh, ahhh.’

‘You have spa…,’ spluttered Thee-Lo, stopping himself before he went too far.

‘He would be delighted,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
when is this waltz?’ asked Ory-Pring, smiling happily.

‘Just before the second rest point,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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I look forward to our waltz then, Isha-Redd,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
is that correct?’ she asked, with a small gold pen poised.

‘Yes, yes it is.’

‘There is another spot free, just here

Comma – correct as it is a direct form of address so right back at me.
Quote:
Sco-Lo,’ said Ory-Pring, looking into the small book she used to keep track of her dances.

I was so hoping to sit out the Vnese Waltz,

Comma splice – Dialogue but to be fair the comma could go here.
Quote:
it is so energetic and my card is so full.’

‘Isha-Redd won’t mind, now will you?’ asked Ory-Pring, now winking in his direction.

‘Sco-Lo is right,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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it is a difficult dance,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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you are right to sit that one out,’ added Isha-Redd, hoping she would take the opportunity when presented.

‘Difficult? What do you mean by difficult?’ she snapped back.

‘I..I..I’m sorry; it’s a very fast waltz.’

]‘I shall see you for the Vnese Waltz, I’ll show you difficult.’ With that she turned on her heal

heel – Spell checker again
Quote:
and was gone.


With questions back to Chrispy and if you have time I would love to see what you think. Leaving for now with a mild headache from concentration.

[The Judge]

Not Chris, but I thought I'd chip in with one or two:

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Quote:Being from a minor and impoverished nobility, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd...
Presumably they are all from the same nobility; it is more his noble family which is down on its luck. – Correct but I don’t want to info dump the reader here.

I think you've misunderstood C's point, which is that you've simply used the wrong word. By "a... nobility" you are referring to the whole class of the aristocracy, not one individual family. Losing the indefinite article would help, ie "Being from impoverished nobility..." but better to change it to something like "Being from a minor and impoverished noble family/sept/clan..."

And something C missed, or was too kind to point out, is that this is in any event a dangling participle -- by starting with "Being" you have to ensure the subject of the verb (Isha-Redd in this case) leads in the following** sub-clause, otherwise it doesn't make strict sense, so the "eligible" is wrong there. So either something like "Being from an impoverished noble family, Isha-Redd knew the word eligible did not apply to him..." or lose the participle so it's eg "Since he was from an impoverished noble family, eligible was not..." And if he's got any kind of grammatical education, he would not be ending the sentence with a preposition so it should be "a fact of which he was only too well aware."

Re the comma splices in dialogue, while it's true that you can use them where you like (and indeed out of dialogue where you like, of course) I'm afraid that it does rather give the unfortunate impression not that you are being avant garde and making them speak in a certain run-on never-stopping style, but that you simply aren't aware how to punctuate properly. If you were punctilious everywhere else you might get away with it in their dialogue, but it is a risk.

Quote:
‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us,’ said Thee-Lo, turning to look behind him, ‘where has that fellow gone again...'

Comma splice – as I’m breaking the dialogue with an action from the character I had used a comma, how bad an error is this Chrispy?

Bad. You need a full stop after "him".

‘Yes sir.’

I don't think C picked this up, but you should comma before the "sir" in these cases as you would before a name (ie ‘Stop that, Isha-Redd'), but to answer your later point, the "sir" should remain lower case. It is a form of address, but it isn't a name, unless he is eg Sir Fred, in which case give the name as well.

You would be of great service to your brother and I

brother and me – I have been on the internet and it seems the jury is out on this one.

The jury is not out! Any site which tells you that such a construction is right is talking out of its rear end. Take out the "your brother" and the sentence is "You would be of great service to I". Still think that's right?


EDITED TO ADD:

** I'm just editing a chapter of my own and I've come across one of my ludicrously involved sentences where I've started with the participle, but I've got two further sub-clauses and a bit in parentheses before the sub-clause which leads with the person's name, so it doesn't have to be the immediately following sub-clause. However, I would not recommend that you try this at home...

[Bowler1]

Thank you, Judge and I have mis-understood Chrispy's point. The rest I will have to go away and digest.

Thank you for the 'sir' correction, that one has been bugging me and as I'm using a lot of military in this plot it was vital to get right.

Time to slink off and really get stuck into grammer. If my teachers' could only see me now!

[chrispenycate]

If there were one of your soldiers who talked in comma splices, I don't think it would have bothered me, but all of them speaking in the same run on, don't try to interupt me style? That suggested it was a quirk of their officers' school, until the sister started doing the same.

Yes, your Honour, I did get carried away by my comma splice mania and fail to do the commas themselves seriously enough . I have heard "yes, sir"s varying from "Yes. Sir." (with a salute in the middle to "Yessir", but the other uses of "sir" definitely require splitting off.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment ,sir.’

‘Thank you, sir, but I don’t drink.’

‘You are right, cousin,

‘Yes indeed ,Thee-Lo, where are your manners?

Originally Posted by er'onner

And if he's got any kind of grammatical education, he would not be ending the sentence with a preposition so it should be "a fact of which he was only too well aware."

Hey, am I allowed to do "a preposition is something one should never end a sentence with"s too? I thought that was as hopeless as trying to get the "like" and "as if"s correct.

Originally Posted by Bowled over

:‘I cannot say,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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this is most un-conventional,

Comma splice - Dialogue
Quote:
this is not how I should be asked for a dance,

Comma splice - Dialogue
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you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

How do you, with this sequence of commas, make the difference between "I cannot say this is most un-conventional" and "I cannot say. This is most un-conventional."?

[Quote]Feeling trapped, and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him,

Comma splice – Would a semi colon do better here as I still want to keep the flow going and a full stop does not feel right to me here.

:
he felt his heart skip a beat.

A semicolon is fine; I wasn't trying to force you into chopped sentences. I merely point out regions that might merit some attention.

[Bowler1]

Thank you, Chrispy mate I appreciate you making time to come back to me. I have quite a bit to chew over now.

Just to show how much I appreciate the effort I have gone and collected moons of varying sizes for you to cover in plastic. Enjoy!

[Bakerman]

Good work! I quite enjoyed the scene. I'll reserve any criticism along the lines of the aliens basically being '40s soldiers with fur, because I feel that's what you were going for. Not my taste, but you've executed it well!

I just wanted to mention the dialogue. I really appreciate you're going for a not-entirely-human feel to their speech, but in my opinion, you've actually given them a very human-like speech pattern. All the pauses seem to be in the correct places! But instead of using the full variety of English-language pauses (full stops, dashes, semicolons), you've replaced them all with commas. Instead of giving the impression of an alien grammar, it just appears as if you're just using English grammar incorrectly.

Also, be aware that the different English pauses mentioned above have different lengths effects on the sentence around them. For example, if I write something in parentheses (like this) it usually indicates a phrase said more quietly and quickly, so as not to break the flow of the outer sentence. Dashed clauses - on the other hand - tend to be emphasised. And so on.

Once you've figured out how your aliens talk, try to express it in terms of the full range of English punctuation. Maybe I'm misinterpreting and you have transcribed your desired speech pattern accurately using only commas - my criticism would then be that their speech pattern turns me off as a reader!

And, as always, please take the above with several slabs of salt. I hope I've been some help! Good luck with the story.

[Bowler1]

As per other members Bakerman, that's me well told now. I was trying to give my aliens a voice all their own. It would seem I have not quite hit the mark in that regard so some work to follow. On reflection I'm going to have to highlight alien qualities a little more to give them more character, but I love doing that stuff so no worries. I'm glad you liked the little section and welcome to Chrons.

[Bakerman]

Heh, I just had to have my say. Hope I didn't come across as condescending. Thanks for the welcome!

[RJM Corbet]

Second Lieutenant Isha-Redd had been standing stiffly for the last two hours, and had been almost completely ignored during that time, which suited him just fine. Music drifted in from the nearby ballroom, now crowded this late in the evening, the sounds of laughter and conversation were a counter point to the music, ruining the harmonies for Isha-Redd, and making him feel even more isolated and alone.

He refused to join his fellow officers, who as they vied with each other to fill the dance cards of the females being introduced to society, the competition fierce among the most eligible and promising. Being from a minor and impoverished nobility, eligible was not a word associated with Isha-Redd, and he was only too well aware of the fact.

‘There’s the fellow now, yes him, the stuffy one in the corner.’ said a The voice from behind Isha-Reddd, it sounded like Thee-Lo.

‘Good evening, Captain.’ Isha-Redd saluted, his fears confirmed.

‘Ohh yes, good evening, Isha-Redd, why are you not inside?’ asked Thee-Lo returned a clumsy salute as he stumbled toward Isha-Redd, clearly the worse for wear.

‘I don’t dance very well, and I don’t want to embarrass the regiment sir.’

‘What nonsense, you should be inside with the rest of us.’ said Thee-Lo, turned to look behind him.
‘where has that fellow gone again, Ory-Pring! Where the Tempter have you gone?’

‘I’m here, getting punch for us all,’ replied Ory-Pring, elbowing his way over to them.

‘Jolly well done, Ory-Pring, I should have thought of that myself. Clear officer material. What do you say, Isha-Redd?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘Stop that Isha-Redd, this is not the parade ground, you can relax. I've brought a drinks for us drinks all. Here, take one.’

‘Thank you sir, but I don’t drink sir.’

‘You’ll have a drink, curse you, no junior officer goes without in my company.’ said Thee-Lo, breathed heavy fumes into Isha-Redd’s face. His blue dress uniform tunic was unbuttoned and his cap was at an angle. Best not to argue, thought Isha-Redd thought it best not to argue.

Ory-Pring winked at Isha-Redd as he handed him his small cup, filled with the deep red drink. ‘This has not been spiked too much yet Isha-Redd, even you should be able to manage it.’

‘Thank you sir.’

‘Look at him; you’d swear we were making you drink poison. You’re in the army now, not suckling like some pup. Drink up and be a Monco about it.’ demanded Thee-Lo.

Thee-Lo knocked back his drink in one go, while Isha-Redd took a sip of his. It tasted very strong to him and he suspected the punch bowls had already been heavily spiked.

‘Ohh my, I take back what I said, Isha-Redd,’ coughed Ory-Pring, his ears cocked forward in surprise.

‘That was mothers’ milk, what are you two like.’

‘It was fine sir, not too strong at all,’ replied Isha-Redd, to a surprised look from Ory-Pring.

‘I have dances soon so I’ll get straight to the point. I need some heavy equipment carried with us when we deploy, and you’re the Monco that can do it for me. Two crates that my Father says I must take with me, only the Great Woo knows why. What do you say? You’ll do it for me?’ asked Thee-Lo.

‘I’m sorry sir; Space on the supply wagons is very limited, sir. Essential supplies only.’

‘Do you know who my Father is?’

‘Of course I do sir, everyone knows who you are,’ replied Isha-Redd.

This seemed to put Thee-Lo out, and he stared angrily at Isha-Redd, wondering what his next course of action should be.

‘Isha-Redd, surely there must be some sort of…’ said Ory-Pring, his sentence unfinished.

‘There you both are!'

The new speaker had sleek, light tan coloured fur that complemented her pink gown wonderfully, bright intelligent eyes and ears cocked forward attentively.

'What are you doing here in this dark corner and who is this? Have you been picking on junior officers again?’ she demanded. a Her beauty that took Isha-Redd’s breath away. She had sleek, light tan coloured fur that complemented her pink gown wonderfully, bright intelligent eyes and ears cocked forward attentively.

‘I was not; I was just asking him to carry some crates in the supply train for Father.’

‘You must forgive my brother. I suspect he has been lapping up the contents of the punch bowl. I’m Sco-Lo, pleased to meet you.’

‘Ahmm, hello…Isha-Redd,' he stammered in a reply.

‘How wonderful, the Redd family are an old and well respected family, I’m so glad you could make our farewell ball. Have you had many dances yet?’

Both Thee-Lo and Ory-Pring barked laughter before Sco-Lo silenced them with a look.

‘I’m sorry for my brother’s poor manners; we do not treat guests like that in this house.'

‘I have felt only the warmest of welcome this evening, your brother has been a gracious host,’ replied Isha-Redd, feeling embarrassed and awkward in the company of this female. He wondered if his snout hairs were correctly waxed and hoped his tail collar was still in place.

‘I doubt that, but it was nice of you to come to his defence. I would like to see if I can get you a dance or two tonight, there are many of my friends who would be delighted to meet you, would you permit me to make introductions?’

‘No thank you, I have duties later and must go soon,’ lied Isha-Redd, lying.

‘Duties? Do not worry about your duties, Thee-Lo and I will cover for you tomorrow. Feel free to stay and enjoy the ball,’ smirked Ory-Pring, enjoying Isha-Redd’s discomfort.

‘You must stay. you must Let me see to a dance for you? Please, let me assist?’ insisted Sco-Lo.

‘Cousin dear, I have a solution to all our problems,’ said Ory-Pring.

‘Ohhh, you do? What solution is that then?'

‘We need crates shipped with the regiment. and Isha-Redd needs at least one dance before we deploy. You would be of great service to your brother and I, if you could help us out of a difficult predicament. What do you say, Sco-Lo?’

Pausing for just a moment, she replied, ‘I don’t know what you mean, Ory-Pring, how could I possibly be of assistance?’

Later, when Isha-Redd was alone with his thoughts, he had time to wonder why she allowed herself to be placed into the situation that arose.

‘We need two crates; and Isha-Redd here needs a dance. I even think two dances would be fair, after all, there are two crates,’ said offered Ory-Pring, now very sincere and serious.

Thee-Lo barked laughter again.

‘Thee-Lo, where are you manners? Please behave,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘Yes indeed Thee-Lo, where are your manners,’ added Ory-Pring, winking to Thee-Lo while behind his sister’s back was to him.

‘There is no need. We can discuss this tomorrow as gents and arrive at a compromise that will keep us all happy, of that I’m sure,’ said Isha-Redd, trying to stay out of any games the other two had in mind.

‘Not at all Isha-Redd, my sister is right; I have been remiss and uncouth. You are a guest under our roof tonight, and you shall be treated with all respect. Sco-Lo dear, is there any space left on your dance card?’

‘I cannot say. This is most un-conventional, this is not how I should be asked for a dance, you two really are Cads,’ snapped Sco-Lo.

‘You are right cousin, my apologies to you. Isha-Redd, please, try your luck and see how you do?’

‘Yes indeed, Isha-Redd. My sister, I’m sure, would be delighted to dance with you, all you need do is ask,’ laughed Thee-Lo.

Feeling trapped and with his anger building, Isha-Redd glanced in Sco-Lo’s direction and noticed she had bright green eyes that were fixed on him. He felt his heart skip a beat. ‘I would be honoured if I could have a dance with you, if only there were space on your dance card.’

‘Why, let me see.’ She replied, pulled a little note book from inside one of her gloves. ‘How lucky. I have a waltz free if you’d like?’

‘Ahhh, ahhh.’

‘You have spa…,’ spluttered Thee-Lo, stopping himself before he went too far.

‘He would be delighted. When is this waltz?’ asked Ory-Pring smiled happily.

‘Just before the second rest point. I look forward to our waltz then. Isha-Redd? Is that correct?’ she asked, with a small gold pen poised.

‘Yes, yes it is.’

‘There is another spot free, just here Sco-Lo,’ said Ory-Pring looked into the small book she used to keep track of her dances.

‘I was so hoping to sit out the Vnese Waltz, it is so energetic and my card is so full.’

‘Isha-Redd won’t mind. Now will you?’ asked Ory-Pring, now winked in his direction.

‘Sco-Lo is right; it is a difficult dance. You are right to sit that one out.’ added Isha-Redd hoped she would take the opportunity when presented.

‘Difficult? What do you mean by difficult?’ she snapped back.

‘I..I..I’m sorry; it’s a very fast waltz.’

‘I shall see you for the Vnese Waltz, I’ll show you difficult.’ With that she turned on her heel and was gone.


I know I've probably missed a few comma-splices etc, but Crispen and others will have picked them up for you ...

[Bowler1]

Very, very detailed RJM thank you very much. I appreciate the time you have taken on this and I will go away and study in detail.

Bakerman, this whole forum is built on members that like to have their say so you should fit right in!