|23rd May 2012, 08:05 AM||#1 (permalink)|
Posts from the land of Oz
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North Carolina
Blog Entries: 1
doomed chapter 1 part 2
I though I would go ahead and post part two of three of chapter 1.
I know the man's speech is very stunted that's the way I wanted it. I want all help that is given, opinion or fact it doesn't matter to me. I also want to know if this part is any better than the first and did it clear up anything?
(Part one here)
On the other side is a clearing. In the center stands a man, burly like a mountain with a whip in his hand. Lying on the ground beneath him is a girl who reminds me of someone from a poorly funded Robin Hood movie. He brings the whip down on her and she screams. The sound pierces both my ears and heart. I have to help her, but he’d squish me like a pancake.
I sneak around the bushes until I find a place where I can enter the clearing. I can’t just sit and watch. I attempt to enter the clearing but the wolf jumps from the side and knocks me flat.
“I know what you want to do. DON’T DO IT! Doing it will only do harm.”
I try to push the wolf off me then stop. It hits me what just happened. “Did you just…” I start in confusion.
“Talk? Yes. You humans think you are the only ones who can speak. It’s sad really. I am Lupa.” The wolf begins.
“The Lupa? You raised Romulus and Remus when they were babies, didn’t you?” I interrupt.
Lupa leans down and bares her teeth in my face. “You humans are also impatient and rude. Yes I am the Lupa. I am your guide in the wilds. The girl that led you to me is my servant Regina. The gods have instructed me to find you. You are to be shown a moment in time. It’s imperative that you do not interfere. Do you understand?”
“What happens if I do interfere?”
“The grandfather clause… you change something even minisculely then the entire timeline and by result the entire world will be changed forever. Interfere today and you might not even be born.”
“Oh. Yeah I understand.”
Lupa gets off of me and sits just outside the entrance to the clearing. I sit beside her and watch.
The man raises his whip once more and I tense waiting for the scream. A black mist swirls around the man and he freezes. I hear whispering.
“Who there?” the man’s voice is gruff.
The mist swirls faster and takes the shape of a man. The mistman swirls and laughs. “Who I am is not important. You are the important one. Maul, you are the one I want.”
“I wanted? It good? You not law, are you?” Maul looks genuinely concerned.
The mistman smiles, if you can call it a smile. “I, boy, am no lawman. I am the law’s worst nightmare. You won’t find a more evil creature, in all of existence. I have taken a liking to you boy. You have no qualms with killing people. That I find important and valuable. I want to make a deal. If you’re interested.”
“Deal? What deal? I want hear.”
“You like killing people?”
“Do you want to live forever? Who wouldn’t am I right?” Maul simply nods his head. “Well then I can give you an offer that you can’t refuse. I will make you immortal that way you can live forever, if and only if you do as I say. You will kill on my command, whoever I say right when I say it. If I say kill your mother. Will you do it?”
“Where she? I kill.”
“Excellent! I am your master. I am… being watched. There is someone here who does not belong.”
The girl gasps and tries to wiggle away. Maul lets out a small laugh, “No girlie. You stay. You belong to me.”
“Who is this ‘girlie’?” The mistman swirls around. Maul points down and smiles. The mist man looks at the girl. “Kill her. Prove your loyalty.”
Maul looks down to the girl and raises the whip above his head. He brings it down on her. Her scream is cut short as the whip slices through her neck. I can smell the blood from here and see it too, soaking into the grass; I nearly throw up.
The mist man turns back to Maul. A silver arrow streaks out from the trees and buries itself in Mauls head. The mistman turns to the trees and shouts, “Damn you Diana. You will pay for this!”
Lupa looks to me and nudges my hand. I turn to her and she speaks, “You needed to see that. The man in the mist is very dangerous and also not a man. Maul was resurrected later on and he works to raise an army of dead. It is your job to stop him. I am forbidden to tell you much more but what I can tell you is that you will have two helpers on your quest. On you have known for a long time and the other you will meet soon. The second will save your life when you meet them. That is all I am allowed to tell you. Now follow me and I will lead you back to your time."
Lupa gets up and heads off. I follow close behind; she bobs and weaves through the trees. Soon we are out of the forest and bound up the rock tumble. Then we join back up with Regina. We go through the woods and when we come back out on the other side we are in the theatre. I don't really know how that happened but I wave good bye to Lupa as she and Regina leaves.
Regina turns and calls to me, "I am pretty sure it's okay to tell you that you will see us again. Someday."
I smile Regina maybe annoying but I like Lupa. I crawl back behind the curtain and sit.
Next thing I know Jesse hits me on the head with her flashlight. "Wake up! The theatre is not your house! Your dad is here to pick you up. Don't be late next time."
|23rd May 2012, 04:34 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Jan 2012
Re: doomed chapter 1 part 2
It was a lot of telling and narrative, with a number of characters introduced in what was for me, a confusing manner and I’m left unsure of what you’re aiming for. Also, because it was mostly telling, I’m not engaged with the characters, so my interest was dropping off sharply near the end of the section. The dream like quality does come across, this dream state could be why I’m confused and it could be what you were trying to achieve.
You managed to split members the last time you posted so the above is my view only, it will be very interesting to see if others liked what you posted.
|8th June 2012, 03:13 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: South Ayrshire
Re: doomed chapter 1 part 2
I haven't read your first part, so I can't really comment on the dialogue, but, if these characters haven't ever met one another - or heard of one another - before, then I'd say their introductions, conversations, and general reactions are rather... hasty. The character we're following, for example, doesn't seem very startled by Luna, nor does Maul seem overly surprised by the appearance of the mistman.
Speaking of the main character, a concern of mine is that although we're seeing events through their eyes, we're not really feeling them. When pinned down by Luna, or told of the grandfather clause, the character doesn't show any signs of emotion or shock. Rather than simply describing what's going on, try to word things in a way that would reflect the character's feelings. For example,
"What happens if I do interfere?" could have a brief line before it that depicts the character's surprise at being pinned by this wolf. I peered sideways, and my eyes must have darted like of those of hapless prey. Tugging at the grass, and breathless beneath such a beast, I asked, nervously, "What happens if I do interfere?"
Don't worry, it's a very easy thing to overlook, and admittedly, it's can be very tough to get right. My own work has suffered from this too.
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