A Excerpt from My First Chapter

[Myra]

Hi, here I am again. I was wondering if you guys would look over an excerpt of a conversation in my first chapter for me? I believe I have done a bit of head hopping and too much telling instead of showing and I'm not sure if it has been done correctly writing and grammar wise

Could you advise me please?

Thanks. (Any comments are welcomed )

************
‘You’re serious!’ Lily exclaimed as she stared at her Guidance Counsellor.

‘Yes, Lily,’ he answered and leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed, ‘we have been very impressed with the care you have put into your work over the last 3 years.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ Lily smiled.

‘I have written to the Orion Museum in London on your behalf. They have a firm there and they are interested in meeting you,’ he informed her while handing her a letter.

Confusion clouded her eyes as she took the letter and held it nervously in her lap, ‘This means a lot to me, sir, but I have never heard of such a Museum in London,’ Lily replied, looking down at the letter.

‘No you wouldn’t have. I only know about it because I am a member and it has a member-by-invitation only policy. It is a private Museum dedicated to many subjects. It is almost a much smaller version of the entire Museums’ cramped into one. They are only interested in those who are truly interested in the subjects it offers. From what I have seen by looking through your old school records, you have three of the subjects it specialises in,’ he informed her, took out something from his drawer, and handed her a leaflet. ‘I suggest you have a good read through that and seriously consider the offer in the letter because it will not happen again,’ he advised her.

Lily nodded, took the leaflet from his outstretched hand, and looked at the front of the leaflet.

Titled at the top were the words: “Orion Museum – A Private Firm.”

The leaflet then went on to explain the different departments it had and Lily looked back up at her counsellor, opting to read it later, ‘Sir, I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me,’ she said, respect colouring her tone.

‘You’re welcome,’ he said and stood up, walking around the desk to stand next to her. ‘You leave after graduation. I have already made arrangements for a flat near to the Museum on Cromwell Road,’ he explained as she stood up and bit her lip.

‘I have no way of paying for a flat, sir,’ she said, feeling humiliated.

‘Not to worry. The board members and I have already decided that the University will pay for the rent until you have the means of paying it yourself. When you arrive in London, you may have a couple of days before a member of the firm contacts you to show you where to go. There is a piece of paper I put in with the letter with the address of the flat we chose for you,’ he answered with a smile, which widened as Lily’s eyes lit up.

‘Thank you!’ she exclaimed and almost hugged him, but thought better and shook his hand instead. ‘I won’t let you down, sir,’ she added as she walked towards the door.

‘I know you won’t,’ he said and waved as she left the room.

[Bowler1]

Confusion clouded her eyes as she took the letter and held it nervously in her lap, ‘This means a lot to me, sir, but Ihave never heard of such a Museum in London,’ Lily replied, looking down at the letter.

Unusual choice of description in red, I wonder what other members will make of it?

‘No you wouldn’t have. I only know about it because I am a member and it has amember-by-invitation only policy. It is a private Museum dedicated to many subjects. It is almost a much smaller version of the entire Museums’ cramped into one. They are only interested in those who are truly interested in the subjects it offers. From what I have seen by looking through your old school records, you have three of the subjects it specialises in,’ he informed her,took out something from his drawer, and handed her a leaflet. ‘I suggest you have a good read through that and seriously consider the offer in the letter because it will not happen again,’ he advised her.
The section above felt too long to me for a conversation.

Titled at thetop were the words: “Orion Museum – A Private Firm.”
A Museum would not be a firm, a chartable institution maybe?

‘You’re welcome,’ he said and stood up, walking around the desk to stand next to her.‘You leave after graduation. I have already made arrangements for a flat nearto the Museum on Cromwell Road,’ he explained as she stood up and bit her lip.

‘I have no way of paying for a flat, sir,’ she said, feeling humiliated.
The offer of the flat etc. had me looking up safeguarding rules!

I had very little problems with the writing you’ll be glad to hear, the voices of the characters stood out well for me. I really felt the guy was creepy, it felt like a set up for the girl which may not have been what you were aiming for, but if you wanted creepy, then wow, well done. I had to go back and look at you’re old post, this was very different and I felt this was much better. I would say,you don’t need to end every conversation line with a tag, he said, she said and so on, as there were only two of them it was easy to follow. Head hopping is switching POV and internal thoughts of characters (hopefully I explained that right), for me, it was just a conversation as there was very little POV from anyone character. Anyway, I liked this section, even Mr Creepy.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

I had very little problems with the writing you’ll be glad to hear, the voices of the characters stood out well for me. I really felt the guy was creepy, it felt like a set up for the girl which may not have been what you were aiming for, but if you wanted creepy, then wow, well done. I had to go back and look at you’re old post, this was very different and I felt this was much better. I would say, you don’t need to end every conversation line with a tag, he said, she said and so on, as there were only two of them it was easy to follow. Head hopping is switching POV and internal thoughts of characters (hopefully I explained that right), for me, it was just a conversation as there was very little POV fromanyone character. Anyway, I liked this section, even Mr Creepy.

Hi Bowler, thanks very much for looking over this for me. Yeah the guy was kinda creepy, but he was based a little on my old Guidance Counsellor in college who was rather creepy and he popped into my head while writing so this is how he came out. Thank you for your kind words and the 'Confusion clouded her eyes' thing I heard somewhere or read somewhere, I can't remember where. I thought it sounded good, but now that you mention it, I'm not sure if there a way for eyes to cloud over Maybe I should have used 'glazed over', or 'She frowned in confusion'? Hmm...will think on that one

Thanks again!

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Titled at thetop were the words: “Orion Museum – A Private Firm.”
A Museum would not be a firm, a chartable institution maybe?

Ah damn I knew that one would come back to bite me! I couldn't think of the right word. It's meant to be the people who run the Museum and the word 'Firm' came to mind, but a 'Firm' is a company, right? This one confused me. I like the idea of it being a 'chartable institution' Thanks for pointing that out

[Vertigo]

I won't go into huge detail as I'm not really qualified yet. It read well there were no points where the writing pulled me out (mistakes or no). And yes not only did the Counsellor come across as creepy but the whole job offer felt very dodgy and if that was your intent then great, if not then you might want to look at it again. Incidentally I don't even know what Guidance Councellor is! He sounds like a Career Officer (but I'm probably out of date).

The only thing that jarred with me was that he says: ‘I suggest you have a good read through that and seriously consider the offer in the letter because it will not happen again,’ he advised her.

She then chooses not to read it there and then, and then he says they have already got a flat for her and starts giving her 'joining instructions" even though she hasn't yet said whether she is going to take it up or not. It felt a bit like the continuity had got muddled.

As I say, though, I liked the writing!

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Vertigo

I won't go into huge detail as I'm not really qualified yet. It read well there were no points where the writing pulled me out (mistakes or no). And yes not only did the Counsellor come across as creepy but the whole job offer felt very dodgy and if that was your intent then great, if not then you might want to look at it again. Incidentally I don't even know what Guidance Councellor is! He sounds like a Career Officer (but I'm probably out of date).

The only thing that jarred with me was that he says: ‘I suggest you have a good read through that and seriously consider the offer in the letter because it will not happen again,’ he advised her.

She then chooses not to read it there and then, and then he says they have already got a flat for her and starts giving her 'joining instructions" even though she hasn't yet said whether she is going to take it up or not. It felt a bit like the continuity had got muddled.

As I say, though, I liked the writing!

Oh right I see what you mean by confusing. I should probably mention she is at University at the moment and the dude is her Guidance Counsellor, though I might be completely wrong in him being called that because I never went to Uni but the title was given to the peers of departments in college. I'm not sure if it's different in England, but that's the common name for them in Scotland.

Yeah I wasn't really intending on the creepiness because this is probably the only time the guy is going to be in the book and that's also why I didn't give him a name - too personal and I would feel like he has to be in the story again somewhere. I could change the creepiness a little and I need to check on the policies of giving out flats to students, though I did mention that it would be only until she could pay for it by herself... then again I could just give her an offer of a student loan

Sorry going a tad off track from what you were saying.

Also, I sort of hinted that she would take the offer because she thanks him and the contents of the letter is more like rules, guidelines and what's offered in the job. I should probably elaborate a little more on it. Thanks for point that out

Thanks very much for your comments though

[Vertigo]

Hmm well if you weren't intending it to be a dodgy job offer then I'm afraid that's how it came across to me. The unheard of museum, choosy employers, offer of a flat*, having to wait a couple of days before a member of the museum contacts her. To me that all added up to dodgy sounding. If you wanted to avoid that I'd maybe have him say that the museum have offered to put her up in a local guesthouse until she can get her own place, offering a flat that has apparently been acquired just for her seems a little over the top for a graduate just out of univeristy.

Re the Guidance Counsellor thing. I'm probably much too out of date to advise on that. I was at Uni in the '70s and all we had were tutors.

*I think a B&B or guesthouse would be more likely. Years ago when I had to move to a new area for a new job they put me up in a B&B for a few weeks until I got my own place together. A flat in London is a pretty expensive option for the museum especially if it is only intended to be temporary. The company I worked for 15 years ago looked at renting some flats in London as an alternative to always putting staff up in hotels (we typically had at least half a dozen staying in London at any one time). In the end it actually came out cheaper to continue putting them up in hotels.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Vertigo

Hmm well if you weren't intending it to be a dodgy job offer then I'm afraid that's how it came across to me. The unheard of museum, choosy employers, offer of a flat*, having to wait a couple of days before a member of the museum contacts her. To me that all added up to dodgy sounding.

*I think a B&B or guesthouse would be more likely. Years ago when I had to move to a new area for a new job they put me up in a B&B for a few weeks until I got my own place together. A flat in London is a pretty expensive option for the museum especially if it is only intended to be temporary. The company I worked for 15 years ago looked at renting some flats in London as an alternative to always putting staff up in hotels (we typically had at least half a dozen staying in London at any one time). In the end it actually came out cheaper to continue putting them up in hotels.

Thanks Vertigo, that advice about the flat is very good and I will make changes so it sounds more believable. As for the job offer...I felt unsure about using a Museum that already exists because I really want to be published one day and I don't want to be sued So I made one up and made it a private Museum for members only because the place doesn't actually exist. I also thought with the leaflet thing, that maybe that would take away from the dodgy job offer I will revise it slightly...I probably would have edited and everything anyway. Better to do it now while I have the advice at hand rather than wait to finish the whole chapter and have to go back after forgetting what everyone has said

Thanks for your input!

[Vertigo]

Interesting Myra, though I don't think you need have any fears about using an extablished museum in your work. I dread to think how many books and films the Natural History Museum has appeared in.

Oh and the leaflet thing was the main thing that made me wonder whether you hadn't intended the dodgy job feel. So I guess it did its job but just not quite enough for me. I think if you took the flat out then it wouldn't seem so dodgy. Maybe also say something up front like:

It is a private Museum, run by a bunch of wealthy philanthropists and dedicated to many different subjects.

(I dropped that 'different' in as it balances the 'run by' clause better then.)

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Vertigo

Interesting Myra, though I don't think you need have any fears about using an extablished museum in your work. I dread to think how many books and films the Natural History Museum has appeared in.

Oh and the leaflet thing was the main thing that made me wonder whether you hadn't intended the dodgy job feel. So I guess it did its job but just not quite enough for me. I think if you took the flat out then it wouldn't seem so dodgy. Maybe also say something up front like:

It is a private Museum, run by a bunch of wealthy philanthropists and dedicated to many different subjects.

(I dropped that 'different' in as it balances the 'run by' clause better then.)

Thanks Vertigo I am revising it now. Yeah I'll take the flat bit out because even I'm seeing the whole dodgy thing I am starting to like the idea of a private museum run by wealthy philanthropists so I'll probably keep the initial idea because to change it would probably just confuse me but I'll change it so it's not so...creepy *shudder*

I've saved the original dialogue to another document so I can compare the original to the revised, but it will probably only have slight changes just so it makes more sense

Thanks again for your help and advice!

[Vertigo]

Gald to help.

Actually thinking about the philanthropists, it might be better to say "funded by" as they probably wouldn't actually be doing the running.

[Myra]

Okay I revised it to make it sound more believable and tried to take out the element of creepiness. Is this better?

**************
‘You’re serious!’ Lily exclaimed as she stared at her Guidance Counsellor.

‘Yes, Miss. Riason,’ he answered and leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed, ‘we have been very impressed with the care you have put into your work over the last 3 years.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ Lily smiled.

‘I have written to the Orion Museum in London on your behalf. They have an Institution within the Museum and they are interested in meeting you for an interview,’ he informed her while handing her a letter.

She frowned in confusion, and not a little suspicion, as she took the letter and held it nervously in her lap, ‘This means a lot to me, sir, but I have never heard of such a Museum in London,’ Lily replied, looking down at the letter.

‘No you wouldn’t have. It has a member-by-invitation only policy. It is a private Museum run by famous and wealthy retired Archaeologists only interested in those who are truly interested in the subjects it offers,’ he informed her, took out something from his drawer, and handed her a leaflet. ‘Read through that and you’ll get a little more insight.’

Lily nodded, took the leaflet from his outstretched hand, and looked at the front of the leaflet.

Titled at the top were the words: “Orion Museum – A Private Institution.”

The leaflet then went on to explain the different departments it had and Lily looked back up at her counsellor, opting to read it later, ‘Sir, I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me,’ she said, respect colouring her tone.

‘You’re welcome,’ he stood up while he spoke, walking around the desk to stand next to her. ‘If you choose to accept the offer in the letter, you will leave after graduation,’ he explained as she stood up and bit her lip.

‘I have no way of paying for living expenses down there, sir.’ She felt humiliated at mentioning this.

‘Not to worry. You will be able to stay in a hotel until you can find a flat or bedsit to stay in and I am sure the board members will agree to pay the expenses or they may offer you a student loan, which you can pay back once you have settled into a place of your own. Do not worry, Miss. Raison, I have written all of this in a letter which I put in with the job offer,’ he answered with a smile, which widened as Lily’s eyes lit up.

‘Thank you!’ she almost hugged him, but thought better and shook his hand instead. ‘I will let you know when I make my decision, sir,’ she added as she walked towards the door.

‘Take your time, Miss. Riason. Make sure you know what you will be doing and if it is really what you want before making a decision,’ he said and she nodded before closing the door on her way out of the room.

[Glitch]

The second draft reads better for me. However I didn't like 'interested' repeated in quick succession.

Have you done an online search for 'private museum'? You should find some web sites of such museums which might help guide you in how they advertise themselves. Also there were a few articles criticising the expansion of private museums.

Originally Posted by Vertigo

Interesting Myra, though I don't think you need have any fears about using an extablished museum in your work. I dread to think how many books and films the Natural History Museum has appeared in.

The only problem with using real things, such as the Natural History Museum, is in how you portray it. If you bring the brand into disrepute then you could find yourself in hot water. For instance if you write that they display fakes while selling the real items on the black market etc...

If however the museum wasn't central to your plot and just serves to suggest a level of creditability of your character then you would probably be ok.

Unfortunately we seem to be moving to a sue first ask later culture. You may think a museum is less likely to sue; but I saw an article about a museum who sued, an won, against someone who failed to pay a promised donation!

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Glitch

The second draft reads better for me. However I didn't like 'interested' repeated in quick succession.

Yeah thanks for pointing that out for me. I wouldn't have noticed it otherwise and it looks terrible.

Originally Posted by Glitch

Have you done an online search for 'private museum'? You should find some web sites of such museums which might help guide you in how they advertise themselves. Also there were a few articles criticising the expansion of private museums.

No I haven't but I will have a look Thanks for the tip!

Originally Posted by Glitch

The only problem with using real things, such as the Natural History Museum, is in how you portray it. If you bring the brand into disrepute then you could find yourself in hot water. For instance if you write that they display fakes while selling the real items on the black market etc...

If however the museum wasn't central to your plot and just serves to suggest a level of creditability of your character then you would probably be ok.

Unfortunately we seem to be moving to a sue first ask later culture. You may think a museum is less likely to sue; but I saw an article about a museum who sued, an won, against someone who failed to pay a promised donation!

I felt that as well, I wanted to be safer rather than sorry so I went with a completely made up Museum. Springs mentioned it in another thread I put up and I agreed.

Thank you for your advice

[Vertigo]

I go along with Glitch there right down to the repeated 'interested'. The creepyness has gone too!

There is still one thing I'm not comfortable with though and that is she is being invited to an interview but apparently she has been given a a job offer. This still seems wrong to me.