My Prologue - Roughly 1350 Words

[Myra]

Hello. I know I haven't been a member long and I haven't done much posting in Forum's, but I have had the Prologue done for a little while and was just wondering if it looks okay. I'd rather get the insight from someone I don't know than a family member or a friend who will more than likely tell me it's brilliant to make me happy. I really need the constructive criticism rather than sugar and rainbows and I guess this is where I'll find it So, can someone read it over and let me know please?

************************
A bright light filled a large marble room and two beings stepped out, looking around as if this was a normal practice. As they took in the room fully, they stepped towards another figure that had appeared from an arched doorway on the left wall, “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.

“Did Chromes release Baal and I, Adrielle?” asked Natalya who was still looking around the room suspiciously as if she felt she should not be there.

“I do not know. He never mentioned it.” Adrielle answered as she stared at the two with a frown.

“What has been occurring in our absence?” Baal, who had been silent until now, asked.

“Things have not been good. Wars have been breaking out everywhere. Lilith has been on earth constantly to ease the suffering.” Adrielle answered grimly as she motioned them over to a large orb in the middle of the marble hall. As they looked into the orb, it revealed itself to be a large scale of the earth, but on the surface they could see little lights in different colours which resembled humans, plants, buildings and many other things.

Baal looked at the lights in red that were huddled closely in certain areas on the globe before looking at his companions, “There are many. This does not bode well for us, Natalya.” He said slowly as his eyes moved to the globe again.

“It was unavoidable while we were trapped within the Shadow Realm. Mankind had no rule.” Natalya answered knowing deep down that both she and Baal were to blame for what was happening on earth.

“Yes, it seems that without us Mankind has fallen to war and evil.” Said Baal as he stepped back from the globe and moved over to an empty throne on a raised surface and sat down tiredly.

“Lilith has been out amongst them. She has mentioned that things are not good down there.” Adrielle said as she took a step towards him.

Baal let out a laugh, “So Lilith had her work cut out for her, did she?” he asked Adrielle, a strange gleam in his brown eyes.

“We need to fix what has come to pass, Baal.” Natalya put in as she placed a gentle hand on Adrielle’s shoulder.

“And we will.” Baal agreed as he stood from the throne and moved towards them. He addressed Adrielle, “We will see to it that the balance is restored.”

“Please do, Baal.” Adrielle answered as she took his hand.

Baal squeezed it tightly before nodding to Natalya, “Let’s go.” He said before disappearing from the room almost as if he had never been there in the first place.

Natalya looked away from the spot where Baal had just been standing before turning to Adrielle whom she had always regarded as her little sister, “Where are Chromes and Chronus?” asked she as she looked around the empty hall again uncertainly.

“I am not sure. They left some time ago.” Adrielle answered as she sighed a little.

“Hm, interesting. Perhaps they have gone to check on things. I had better follow Baal. He may make things worse.” Natalya said before disappearing to join Baal.

Adrielle walked to the window and placed a small hand on the window pane. Her saddened eyes took in the clear night sky, but the stars gave her no comfort, “Save them.” She whispered.

* * * * * *
Wake up.

A young girl opened her eyes at the sound of the voice in her mind. She was somewhere that was very dark and she could not even see her hand as she felt the cold ground beneath her.

Stand, the voice in her mind said, almost like an order, and the girl pulled herself to her feet. Fear overcame her as she tried in vain to look around in the dark and noticed a small light in the distance and she could make out part of a building. With caution she began walking towards the light and as she reached it she looked down at herself to find that she was wearing a plain black robe with dark blue trims and she became aware of a pendant glinting at her chest that interested her. It was a multitude of chains all linked together and holding four small clocks; two of them were black and shaped like a heart and the other two were white and oval shaped. All read different times and different dates. Confused, she looked at them to see if she could reset them.

Do not worry yourself with the necklace, child. Step forth further into the building, the voice said and the girl took a step back in fear. Was someone watching her? She mentally shook herself and began slowly making her way towards the building. As she entered the huge doorway where the doors were hanging off their hinges, she looked around at the walls that were bare and cracked in places. She didn’t know where she was or why she was there. It was cold and dark, save for the torches giving off a flickering light and it didn’t take her long to figure out that she was completely alone in that place. As she stumbled over the debris, she began to make out the edges of another stone building across a marble bridge that resembled a Temple of some sort, but it seemed bereft of any life.

As she made her way across the bridge, she suddenly realised that she did not even know her own name and a memory came to her abruptly, but there were some things that didn’t seem right about it.

A boat, swaying in the ocean, the water lapping at the sides…warm, protective arms around her and the whispers of comfort from that person…a pair of blue eyes showing concern and those eyes closing and fading from her sight.

Were these memories real? She could not say for sure, but they comforted her in this dark, forsaken place. Have I always been here? Are these memories just a lie? Why? I don’t know this place! I don’t belong here! She thought as the fear began to overcome her senses again.

You have always been here. Those memories are just lies to deceive you. Trust my voice and let that memory go…it will not be good for you to think on it, the voice advised and the girl felt a gentle, soothing feeling rush through her. With the voice in her mind as a companion, she would not feel so alone. The memories she had remembered were banished from her mind. She followed the words of the voice to a pedestal in the middle of the Temple. Settled on a cushion, there was a strange contraption and the girl’s sense of interest piqued.

Relax your mind and then use the device, the voice said and she tried to clear her mind as she was told. As she placed the device on her head images flooded her mind…all history from the very beginning of the world and, as she watched history unfold, the voice spoke again, you were born for greater things, Altaire D’Arville. You have been given a task. See it through.

Altaire D’Arville took the device from her head and opened her eyes. All fear and uncertainty that was present before was gone as she spoke in a calm voice, “I will, Goddess of all.”

* * * * * *
Floating in a void of nothing was a man attired in a black suit. He opened his eyes and a cruel smile flitted onto his face and he took the hand of his companion; a beautiful brown haired woman. They both looked towards a doorway that had appeared in the space, light streaming in from the unknown and twin smirks appeared on their faces.

The man turned to his companion, “My dear sister, after a long sleep, our time has come.” He said softly to her before leading her through the door.

[Bowler1]

A bright light filled a large marble room and two beings stepped out, looking around as if this was a normal practice. As they took in the room fully, they stepped towards another figure that had appeared from an arched doorway on the left wall, “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.
The opening line was a little flat, the normal practice removed any excitement for me.

“Did Chromes release Baal and I, Adrielle?” asked Natalya who was still looking around the room suspiciously as if she felt she should not be there.
The tail end of the sentence does not add value for me. The room is never described very well which felt a little unfair to me.

“What has been occurring in our absence?” Baal, who had been silent until now, asked.
We know Baal has been silent till now, that’s telling and not needed. It would have been better to state his emotion or tell us what he looked like.

Baal looked at the lights in red that were huddled closely in certain areas on the globe before looking at his companions, “There are many. This does not bode well for us, Natalya.” He said slowly as his eyes moved to the globe again.
The globe was over described, but to be fair explains some elements of plot.

“It was unavoidable while we were trapped within the Shadow Realm. Mankind had no rule.” Natalya answered knowing deep down that both she and Baal were to blame for what was happening on earth.

“Yes, it seems that without us Mankind has fallen to war and evil.” Said Baal as he stepped back from the globe and moved over to an empty throne on a raised surface and sat down tiredly.
This is a big step up in plot and as yet I have no idea what these characters look like.

Baal squeezed it tightly before nodding to Natalya, “Let’s go.” He said before disappearing from the room almost as if he had never been there in the first place.
Usually what happens when someone leaves, telling again.

Adrielle walked to the window and placed a small hand on the window pane. Her saddened eyes took in the clear night sky, but the stars gave her no comfort, “Save them.” She whispered.
I was left very confused by the ending of this section I’m sorry to say. I was left with no empathy for the characters as very little happened of note in the opening section, and there was no feel for the characters. Too much use of description such as the throne, he sat, he got up, the throne was un-necessary and distracting.

* * * * * *
Wake up.

Stand, the voice in her mind said, almost like an order, and the girl pulled herself to her feet. Fear overcame her as she tried in vain to look around in the dark and noticed a small light in the distance and she could make out part of a building. With caution she began walking towards the light and as she reached it she looked down at herself to find that she was wearing a plain black robe with dark blue trims and she became aware of a pendant glinting at her chest that interested her. It was a multitude of chains all linked together and holding four small clocks; two of them were black and shaped like a heart and the other two were white and oval shaped. All read different times and different dates. Confused, she looked at them to see if she could reset them.
Lots of description only to be told, forget about it in the opening of the next section.

Do not worry yourself with the necklace, child. Step forth further into the building, the voice said and the girl took a step back in fear. Was someone watching her? She mentally shook herself and began slowly making her way towards the building. As she entered the huge doorway where the doors were hanging off their hinges, she looked around at the walls that were bare and cracked in places. She didn’t know where she was or why she was there. It was cold and dark, save for the torches giving off a flickering light and it didn’t take her long to figure out that she was completely alone in that place. As she stumbled over the debris, she began to make out the edges of another stone building across a marble bridge that resembled a Temple of some sort, but it seemed bereft of any life.
Lots of description again, but this felt better as its from one character POV.

As she made her way across the bridge, she suddenly realised that she did not even know her own name and a memory came to her abruptly, but there were some things that didn’t seem right about it.

A boat, swaying in the ocean, the water lapping at the sides…warm, protective arms around her and the whispers of comfort from that person…a pair of blue eyes showing concern and those eyes closing and fading from her sight.

Were these memories real? She could not say for sure, but they comforted her in this dark, forsaken place. Have I always been here? Are these memories just a lie? Why? I don’t know this place! I don’t belong here! She thought as the fear began to overcome her senses again.
I liked the three lines above.A little over written but brought emotion into the writing that had been lacking till now.

You have always been here. Those memories are just lies to deceive you. Trust my voice and let that memory go…it will not be good for you to think on it, the voice advised and the girl felt a gentle, soothing feeling rush through her. With the voice in her mind as a companion, she would not feel so alone. The memories she had remembered were banished from her mind. She followed the words of the voice to a pedestal in the middle of the Temple. Settled on a cushion, there was a strange contraption and the girl’s sense of interest piqued.
The use of the devise and the goddess of all was too quick for me, I still don’t know the character that might be saving the world so I don’t find myself all that engaged.

* * * * * *
Floating in a void of nothing was a man attired in a black suit. He opened his eyes and a cruel smile flitted onto his face and he took the hand of his companion; a beautiful brown haired woman. They both looked towards a doorway that had appeared in the space, light streaming in from the unknown and twin smirks appeared on their faces.

The man turned to his companion, “My dear sister, after a long sleep, our time has come.” He said softly to her before leading her through the door.
I can see where you’re going with ‘the man’ – but this but it’s too quick for me again.

Myra, this felt like a lot of telling and over use of description. I have also not corrected grammar as I don’t have the time right now, your punctuation needs work and hopefully Chrispy will be along to help with that. The plot was fast with a lot introduced without filling in the characters for me, so I had no empathy for them, which meant I was losing interest near the end. You missed the hook to draw the reader in, to develop your characters, and because of this I had little interest in their problems. However I liked the middle section with the girl. Focus a little more on character development, even what they looked like while trying to avoid over writing and telling. Not too bad Myra and you have a great imagination at work here. It all felt very rushed, chill out a little and enjoy your writing.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Myra, this felt like a lot of telling and over use of description. I have also not corrected grammar as I don’t have the time right now, your punctuation needs work and hopefully Chrispy will be along to help with that. The plot was fast with a lot introduced without filling in the characters for me, so I had no empathy for them, which meant I was losing interest near the end. You missed the hook to draw the reader in, to develop your characters, and because of this I had little interest in their problems. However I liked the middle section with the girl. Focus a little more on character development, even what they looked like while trying to avoid over writing and telling. Not too bad Myra and you have a great imagination at work here. It all felt very rushed, chill out a little and enjoy your writing.

Hi Bowler, thanks very much for your honesty. Do you think I should just keep the bit with the girl for the Prologue? I do admit I felt the Prologue as a little too long I will go through it and revise it as you have suggested. I will really take my time as well Thanks again

[Bowler1]

Have a good nose around this site and other posts that have been reviewed on crituques, see what other members think works and not of course. I still do that myself, go study corrections made by other members and ask myself, would I have written this way.

Your idea is yours, develop it as you see fit Myra, there is no right or wrong.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

Have a good nose around this site and other posts that have been reviewed on crituques, see what other members think works and not of course. I still do that myself, go study corrections made by other members and ask myself, would I have written this way.

Your idea is yours, develop it as you see fit Myra, there is no right or wrong.

Yeah I will do that and I will definitely take my time in shaping the Prologue and the first couple of chapters with the suggestion you have given me.

Thank you for your input, Bowler I will start thinking on it and not rush through anything

[allmywires]

Hi Myra,

I'm not going to do a full crit because I've not got the time, but I'll make a few comments. First of all, your punctuation with speech needs to have commas, not full stops. For example:

Originally Posted by Myra

“Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.

becomes:

"Natalya, Baal? You are back," the woman said as she moved over to them.

As a general reaction, I thought the beginning was too slow, and I wasn't really sure what was going on. It was very mysterious, but in a confusing rather than intriguing way. Do you really need the first bit? If you started just from the section with the girl, I think it would be a much stronger opening, and much more intriguing. I liked all the stuff after that.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by allmywires

As a general reaction, I thought the beginning was too slow, and I wasn't really sure what was going on. It was very mysterious, but in a confusing rather than intriguing way. Do you really need the first bit? If you started just from the section with the girl, I think it would be a much stronger opening, and much more intriguing. I liked all the stuff after that.

Hi, thanks for that I was actually thinking of taking out the first bit and maybe elaborating on it in more detail later on in the story

[allmywires]

Originally Posted by Myra

Hi, thanks for that I was actually thinking of taking out the first bit and maybe elaborating on it in more detail later on in the story

I think that would be a good idea I know how tempting it is to tell the reader everything about the mythology of your world straight off the bat. It's usually always more rewarding if they get bits of it throughout the novel, though: it keeps people hanging on and wanting to know more, rather than 'dumping' it - for lack of a more eloquent word.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by allmywires

I think that would be a good idea I know how tempting it is to tell the reader everything about the mythology of your world straight off the bat. It's usually always more rewarding if they get bits of it throughout the novel, though: it keeps people hanging on and wanting to know more, rather than 'dumping' it - for lack of a more eloquent word.

So keeping the middle part with the girl and maybe the last part with the two unknown figures would be a good idea? That way I'm not dumping a whole load of information, but keeping it so people will want to know why the girl is where she is, how she got there and with the two figures they would maybe want to know why they are important to the story and why they were in an empty void in the first place? Things that will be explained later on as I progress through the story. Would that keep people hanging and wanting to read more?

Thanks again!

[allmywires]

Yeah, that's what I would do, Myra. I definitely think the part with the girl is a strong enough opener as is.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by allmywires

Yeah, that's what I would do, Myra. I definitely think the part with the girl is a strong enough opener as is.

Thank you so much! That's what I'll do then and the first bit I had I'll put in at later date and elaborate on it more You have been very helpful and so was Bowler

[ctg]

Oh dear, I think I'm going to break your heart. If this is the whole prologue, I would say that you could had got away by only applying the middle bit - the little girl part. But I'm afraid that you're going to stick to your guns and keep all of it, so allow me to say that first part is absolutely dreadful and needs a complete rewrite. The second part with little girl is really engaging and very mysterious, while the last falls in my count to something that's out from this world. I don't even know if it does belong in the story as it gives the reader so little.

Prologues are a bit outdated these days and the writer should have a very special reason to apply them in the first place. So think if you're story is going to really need one, and if the answer is not, then why not to scrap the whole thing and start from the first chapter and work the details you've in this bit slowly into the narrative.

Originally Posted by Myra

A bright light filled a large marble room and two beings stepped out, looking around as if this was a normal practice. As they took in the room fully, they stepped towards another figure that had appeared from an arched doorway on the left wall, “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.

You might have seen me advising people to establish character Point-of-View as early as they can, and in this case, I would had started developing that from the second sentence on rather than leaving Baal to take the central role after a couple of paragraphs.

The thing I noticed through second read is that you have an as-sickness. You overuse it and I know from my own experience that I have the same fault. However, you have no excuse as a native speaker to really go down in the language and use clearer sentences to give out the description.

What is good about the beginning is that it's hooking with the mysterious appearance, but what's really bad is that your use of language kills the story from second sentence on.

You could had written:

In an instant a bright white light filled a large marble room. There was no noise. No physical sensations. Nothing but painful brightness that made even the smallest of the shadows to disappear. The light shimmered for a moment and then in a blink of an eye it disappeared, leaving two humanoids standing at the middle of the room.

"It's been too long time," Baal said. "A way too long time--"

"You." A woman lowered her arm from shielding her eyes. "You came back."

"Yes, we did." Baal smiled to Adrielle. "How you been?"

What I try to illustrate here is a way for you to avoid the as-sickness and still keep the semi-omniscient narrator at the beginning before Baal takes the central PoV role. Also, I have tried here to show you also the correct way for the dialogue.

“Did Chromes release Baal and I, Adrielle?” asked Natalya who was still looking around the room suspiciously as if she felt she should not be there.

The highlight not only shows the over description, but also a slight shift in the PoV, even though you haven't really established it yet.

Sorry I have to stop here. I'll continue later on.

[springs]

Originally Posted by Myra

Hiya, Myra, welcome to the crits board.
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A bright light filled a large marble roommarble material, shaped like a marble? and two beings stepped out, looking around as if this was a normal practicewhat type of beings are they human? did they step out of the light? I'm having trouble visualising it.. As they took in the room fully, they stepped towards another figure that had appeared from an arched doorway on the left wall, “Natalya, Baal? You are back.” the woman said as she moved over to them.

All my wires has already menetioned it, but if you are continuing on to the woman said it is a comma, exclamation mark or question mark inside the quote. You can do a full stop if you're moving onto an action eg.

"You are back." The woman moved over to them.
Check out the toolbox; there'll be stuff in it about dialogue punctuation.

“Did Chromes release Baal and I, Adrielle?” asked Natalya who was still looking around the room suspiciously as if she felt she should not be there.a little wordy and tellilng.

“I do not know. He never mentioned it.” Adrielle answered as she stared at the two with a frown.

“What has been occurring in our absence?” Baal, who had been silent until now, asked. Are they stilted in their speech? Or do you want it to run smoothly? If so, try reading this aloud - it's probably smoother with something like What's been occuring?"

“Things have not been good. Wars have been breaking out everywhere. Lilith has been on earth constantly to ease the suffering.” Adrielle answered grimly as she motioned them over to a large orb in the middle of the marble hall. As they looked into the orb, it revealed itself to be a large scale of the earth, but on the surface they could see little lights in different colours which resembled humans, plants, buildings and many other things.

Baal looked at the lights in red that were huddled closely in certain areas on the globe before looking at his companions, “There are many. This does not bode well for us, Natalya.” He said slowly as his eyes moved to the globe again.

“It was unavoidable while we were trapped within the Shadow Realm. Mankind had no rule.” Natalya answered knowing deep down that both she and Baal were to blame for what was happening on earth.

“Yes, it seems that without us Mankind has fallen to war and evil.” Said Baal as he stepped back from the globe and moved over to an empty throne on a raised surface and sat down tiredly.so this is a good eg of how you can show instead of tell: Baal stepped back and to moved to an empty throne, slumping into it. (or something much better. )

“Lilith has been out amongst them. She has mentioned that things are not good down there.” Adrielle said as she took a step towards him.

Baal let out a laugh, “So Lilith had her work cut out for her, did she?” he asked Adrielle, a strange gleam in his brown eyes.

“We need to fix what has come to pass, Baal.” Natalya put in as she placed a gentle hand on Adrielle’s shoulder.

“And we will.” Baal agreed as he stood from the throne and moved towards them. He addressed Adrielle, “We will see to it that the balance is restored.”

“Please do, Baal.” Adrielle answered as she took his hand.

Baal squeezed it tightly before nodding to Natalya, “Let’s go.” He said before disappearing from the room almost as if he had never been there in the first place.

Natalya looked away from the spot where Baal had just been standing before turning to Adrielle whom she had always regarded as her little sister, “Where are Chromes and Chronus?” asked she as she looked around the empty hall again uncertainly.

“I am not sure. They left some time ago.” Adrielle answered as she sighed a little.

“Hm, interesting. Perhaps they have gone to check on things. I had better follow Baal. He may make things worse.” Natalya said before disappearing to join Baal.

Adrielle walked to the window and placed a small hand on the window pane. Her saddened eyes took in the clear night sky, but the stars gave her no comfort, “Save them.” She whispered.

* * * * * *
Wake up.

A young girl opened her eyes at the sound of the voice in her mind. She was somewhere that was very dark and she could not even see her hand as she felt the cold ground beneath her.

Stand, the voice in her mind said, almost like an order, and the girl pulled herself to her feet. Fear overcame her as she tried in vain to look around in the dark and noticed a small light in the distance and she could make out part of a building. With caution she began walking towards the light and as she reached it she looked down at herself to find that she was wearing a plain black robe with dark blue trims and she became aware of a pendant glinting at her chest that interested her. It was a multitude of chains all linked together and holding four small clocks; two of them were black and shaped like a heart and the other two were white and oval shaped. All read different times and different dates. Confused, she looked at them to see if she could reset them.This is better, it flows better and you're doing more showing - the clock hands, reading different times etc.

Do not worry yourself with the necklace, child. Step forth further into the building, the voice said and the girl took a step back in fear. Was someone watching her? She mentally shook herself and began slowly making her way towards the building. As she entered the huge doorway where the doors were hanging off their hinges, she looked around at the walls that were bare and cracked in places. She didn’t know where she was or why she was there. It was cold and dark, save for the torches giving off a flickering light and it didn’t take her long to figure out that she was completely alone in that place. As she stumbled over the debris, she began to make out the edges of another stone building across a marble bridge that resembled a Temple of some sort, but it seemed bereft of any life.

As she made her way across the bridge, she suddenly realised that she did not even know her own name and a memory came to her abruptly, but there were some things that didn’t seem right about it. perhaps leading me a little here.

A boat, swaying in the ocean, the water lapping at the sides…warm, protective arms around her and the whispers of comfort from that person…a pair of blue eyes showing concern and those eyes closing and fading from her sight.

Were these memories real? She could not say for sure, but they comforted her in this dark, forsaken place. Have I always been here? Are these memories just a lie? Why? I don’t know this place! I don’t belong here! She thought as the fear began to overcome her senses again.

You have always been here. Those memories are just lies to deceive you. Trust my voice and let that memory go…it will not be good for you to think on it, the voice advised and the girl felt a gentle, soothing feeling rush through her. With the voice in her mind as a companion, she would not feel so alone. The memories she had remembered were banished from her mind. She followed the words of the voice to a pedestal in the middle of the Temple. Settled on a cushion, there was a strange contraption and the girl’s sense of interest piqued.

Relax your mind and then use the device, the voice said and she tried to clear her mind as she was told. As she placed the device on her head images flooded her mind…all history from the very beginning of the world and, as she watched history unfold, the voice spoke again, you were born for greater things, Altaire D’Arville. You have been given a task. See it through.

Altaire D’Arville took the device from her head and opened her eyes. All fear and uncertainty that was present before was gone as she spoke in a calm voice, “I will, Goddess of all.”

* * * * * *
Floating in a void of nothing was a man attired in a black suit. He opened his eyes and a cruel smile flitted onto his face and he took the hand of his companion; a beautiful brown haired woman. They both looked towards a doorway that had appeared in the space, light streaming in from the unknown and twin smirks appeared on their faces.

The man turned to his companion, “My dear sister, after a long sleep, our time has come.” He said softly to her before leading her through the door.

Interesting, with some stuff going on to pique my interest. I don't think the first section adds anything and the second flows better. I think there is a bit too much telling, and the dialogue tags are something that can be fixed really easily.

[Myra]

Originally Posted by ctg

Oh dear, I think I'm going to break your heart. If this is the whole prologue, I would say that you could had got away by only applying the middle bit - the little girl part. But I'm afraid that you're going to stick to your guns and keep all of it, so allow me to say that first part is absolutely dreadful and needs a complete rewrite. The second part with little girl is really engaging and very mysterious, while the last falls in my count to something that's out from this world. I don't even know if it does belong in the story as it gives the reader so little.

Hi ctg, thank you very much for your insight. I have decided to scrap the first part and start off the prologue from where the girl comes into it. Yeah I know I have an as-sickeness It is something I have never been able to get out of, but from reading the change you made to show me how not to use it, that has helped an I can refer back to it if I need to Also, the end part with the girl I changed and the bit where the two people come into it I am in the process of changing or may even take it out completely. I will take what you have said to heart and mind and go through it with a fine tooth comb and the useful delete button

Thanks again

[Myra]

Originally Posted by springs1971

Interesting, with some stuff going on to pique my interest. I don't think the first section adds anything and the second flows better. I think there is a bit too much telling, and the dialogue tags are something that can be fixed really easily.

Hi springs, thanks for the welcome I have taken the first part out and I'm thinking of putting it in at a later time with a bit more elaboration or maybe as a memory.

Thanks for your input though and it is something I am giving a lot of thought to