I know its telling but...

[springs]

Okay so I have most of the scene I'm working on all singing and dancing showing - pilots climbing into ships, people having conversations etc etc but I have this bit of internal thinking, which is telling.


He looked out of the window of the control room and saw the pilots starting to climb into their ships. His diplomacy had gained nothing – the Families’ had clearly chosen who they expected to win the Empire. He glanced back at Farran and thought he didn’t have time to worry about offence. He needed to be commanding the attack, not communing with some Roamer… guru.


So, firstly is there any way to do this without telling? And also - is it such a crime? Is it about the balance between both? Surely telling gives us the opportunity to dig closer into thoughts, to give an internal monologue. Am I mad? (about the showing that is... not general demeanour )

[ctg]

That, in my books, isn't telling but internal monologue. And it's crucial that you'll develop that sort of style to draw in the close third person narrative. On the other hand, you could go on pages after pages of dialogue and drama to achieve the same that you can deliver in few lines. But in the same time that would distant your character, where now, I would personally being drawn in to see things from his PoV.

[Lilmizflashythang]

Not a crime at all. I think that some people tend to over-emphasize the showing. That can be as bad as over-emphasizing the telling.

[Venusian Broon]

Reading your snippet springs, it seems fine to me.

I first read it as a bit of internal thinking really, and I suppose if that's not done all the time then I wouldn't see any harm in it. We're all prone to a bit of internal discussion.

If you wanted to show it, it would probably require restructuring.

Off the top of my head to show it, the information regarding his relationship with Farren could be constructed as a dialogue - perhaps with Farren or with someone else? Then you could be more emotive of what the protagonist is feeling and at the same time more subtle and nuanced with the info.

[springs]

Ty.

So, is an internal monologue telling? Or rather, when does it become telling? I'm using more of them than previously - partly because the main characters have seperate plot lines so I can't fall back on my old failsafe of dialogue so much.

[Montero]

That has emotional content so its fine by me. I think it is also length that is the key - he reacts to what he is seeing, then presumably moves off and does or says something else.

I think where a lot of problems turn up is in info dump time. It is the length of something. Even if you have emotional content with the observation or thought, if someone rants on in their head for three pages about the brainless bosses, the reckless relatives, the pestilent priests etc, etc, or equally eulogises the wonderful woman, marvellous man yada yada then my eyes glaze over. A paragraph yeah, three pages, no. How long is it before it gets boring? Depends on what you are saying.

[Ursa major]

Originally Posted by springs1971

Ty.

So, is an internal monologue telling? Or rather, when does it become telling? I'm using more of them than previously - partly because the main characters have seperate plot lines so I can't fall back on my old failsafe of dialogue so much.

The question you should be asking is whether it works. And it does (so there's absolutely no need to worry why it wouldn't).

[allmywires]

Originally Posted by springs1971

And also - is it such a crime? Is it about the balance between both? Surely telling gives us the opportunity to dig closer into thoughts, to give an internal monologue.

I think it works fine - too much showing grows tiring, as does too much telling. Sprinkling show-heavy bits with telling (or internal monologues) gives it a better balance. It anchors you back to your POV character.

Originally Posted by springs1971

Am I mad?

Oh, indubitably.

[Warren_Paul]

Originally Posted by springs1971

And also - is it such a crime? Is it about the balance between both? Surely telling gives us the opportunity to dig closer into thoughts, to give an internal monologue. Am I mad? (about the showing that is... not general demeanour )

I've said this time and time again, telling isn't evil - it isn't a crime - just has to be used in the right situations. Sometimes you just have to tell rather than show. It's when you go overboard and start telling all the time that it becomes an issue.

Every single book I've read has paragraphs like the example you gave us. I'd go with the general consensus and say don't worry about it. You're right imo, we can't get deep into the character's mind without a little telling. So unless you want shallow characters, you just have to tell some things.

[springs]

Originally Posted by Ursa major

The question you should be asking is whether it works. And it does (so there's absolutely no need to worry why it wouldn't).

So, the concensus seems to be summed here, stop fretting, keep writing... thanks everyone.

Originally Posted by allmywires

I


Oh, indubitably.

ty.

@Anya; an excellent checklist that one, I shall use that. TY.

[AnyaKimlin]

The bit is fine. I agree with the others that the show vs tell is overused as advice. My general rule is to ask myself will it bore the backside off the reader?

[Boneman]

Internal monologue can be telling, but if used sparingly, it can work very well. If used too much you're veering towards 1st person persona personally. (okay, not the 'personally' but it was going so well...) Yours is no problem at all.

As it's action, I'd probably just go for shorter sentences:

He looked out of the window of the control room. He saw Pilots climbing into their ships. His diplomacy had gained nothing – the Families’ had clearly chosen who they expected to win the Empire. He glanced back at Farran. He didn’t have time to worry about causing offence. He needed to be commanding the attack, not communing with some Roamer… guru.

[Glitch]

It's all down to context. We usually say show us the weather is nice outside rather than tell us that it is.

But sometimes telling is the correct way to show us. Take for example Brian's comment to a recent critique I posted

Originally Posted by I, Brian

Then tell us what he's thinking!
...
he has to see her, believe in her, relate to her, feel compelled by her. And we need to see that through his thoughts.