The Many - again!

[Bowler1]

I'm fussing over this section a lot and many of you will already have seen earlier version of the section below, so I hope I'm not boring you all with this. Its better mainly due to the help I've had so far, anyway see below have fun hopefully!

# # #

The urge to push against the barrier that held it tight was now all that consumed it. All of the things strength had been used on this task and it was beginning to tire. The creature had been pushing with all it had for as long as it could remember and still, the barrier held it; there was no escape. The creature rested for a while, recovering a little of its strength for yet another go against the barrier. The urge to keep going was strong.

This time with more success, a crack and light appeared. It had never seen light before. The light was uncomfortable and hurt its eyes.

‘Push little one, push a little more,’ sounds from outside the barrier. The first time anything had ever communicated with it. The clicks and squeaks registered with it. The language of the Many was already there, just waiting to be used by it.

This small amount of encouragement was enough for it to start pushing again and then suddenly, its head was free; its eyes took in the outside world for the first time. Eyes that were not yet well developed and the creature could see little more than general shapes and shades of colour. Finally it had space to move its head, but not the strength to do so. It no longer had much energy left and after breaking out into this new world simply hung its head, exhausted, feeling dismay and wonder at the same time.

‘Welcome little one, push a little more. You’re almost free,’ said the voice again, the clicks slow and supportive.

It squeaked. Moving around in the remains of its egg shell and trying to communicate, but not yet having the skill.

Support was still there. ‘I am Nurse 47/H4, you are welcome little one,’ said the voice, now recognised as Nurse 47/H4.

Almost free it stopped to rest, its head lying on the ground while most of its body was still in the shell. The baby creature was completely exhausted. Sleep was already beginning to wash over the little one, with is task almost complete the urge to push was now fading.

‘Push a little more little one, your egg has finally broken and you’re almost free. Do not stop now.’

So it pushed again, one last time with the last of its strength. With encouragement and some help from Nurse 47/H4, it finally broke free from its egg and fell onto the warm hatching floor, newly born.

‘Welcome little one, time for you to rest. I will bring food to help you recover’ said Nurse 47/H4.

It could feel Nurse 47/H4 gently cleaning its skin. The tender and reassuring strokes of the nurse’s feelers were comforting to this new life. But for now all this newly born Many could do was recover. It had nothing left, all its strength gone.

Yet still there was a lot to process and take in. There were new sights and smells to get used to and it was all too much for this new life, lying exhausted on the warm hatchling floor. Slowly, ever so slowly it closed its eyes.

Nurse 47/H4 gently carried the new hatchling to a resting shelf where it would be warm and safe. The smell of the nurse was imprinting onto the sleeping baby, enabling it to take its place among the Many that worked and thrived all around, even while it slept.

[ctg]

I've done a small edit for you. I'll hope you'll like it. And for the note, I'm not doing this for being evil but because I care.

Originally Posted by Bowler1

The urge to push against the barrier that held it tight was now all that consumed it. All of the things strength had been used on this task and it was beginning to tire. The creature had been pushing with all it had for as long as it could remember and still, the barrier held it; there was no escape. It rested for a while, recovering a little of its strength for yet another go against the barrier. The urge to keep going was strong.

This time it'd more success, as in no time a crack and light appeared. It had never seen light before. The light was uncomfortable and hurt its eyes.

‘Push little one, push a little more,’ reached its ears; for the first time someone communicated with it and those clicks and squeaks felt so comfortable, so natural. The language of the Many was already there, just waiting to be used by it.

This small amount of encouragement was enough for it to start pushing again and then suddenly, its head broke free and it could glimpse the outside world. Even though its eyes weren't fully developed, it saw muddled shapes in the multitude of colour rich shades. And although it had space to move its head, the tiny creature found that it no longer had much energy left. The small one hung its head, exhausted, feeling dismay and wonder at the same time.

‘Welcome little one, push a little more. You’re almost free.’

It squeaked.

‘You are welcome little one. I am Nurse 47/H4,’ said the voice. 'Now push with all your strength!'

Even though encouraged it stopped to rest, letting its head lying on top of the shell while rest of it body remained entrapped. The baby creature was completely exhausted. Sleep was already beginning to wash over the little one, with is task almost complete the urge to push was now fading.

‘Push a little more little one, your egg has finally broken and you’re almost free. Do not stop now.’

So it pushed again, one last time with the last of its strength. With encouragement and some help from Nurse 47/H4, it finally broke free from its egg and fell onto the warm hatching floor, newly born.

‘Welcome little one, time for you to rest. I will bring food to help you recover’ said Nurse 47/H4.

It could feel Nurse 47/H4 gently cleaning its skin. The tender and reassuring strokes of the nurse’s feelers were comforting to this new life. But for now all this newly born Many could do was recover. It had nothing left, all its strength gone.

Yet still there was a lot to process and take in. There were new sights and smells to get used to and it was all too much for this new life, lying exhausted on the warm hatchling floor. Slowly, ever so slowly it closed its eyes.

Nurse 47/H4 gently carried the new hatchling to a resting shelf where it would be warm and safe. The smell of the nurse was imprinting onto the sleeping baby, enabling it to take its place among the Many that worked and thrived all around, even while it slept.

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

I'm fussing over this section a lot and many of you will already have seen earlier version of the section below, so I hope I'm not boring you all with this. Its

It's

better mainly due to the help I've had so far, anyway see below

full stop

have fun hopefully!

# # #

The urge to push against the barrier that held it tight was now all that consumed it. All of the things

thing's

strength had been used on this task and it was beginning to tire. The creature had been pushing with all it had for as long as it could remember and still,

no comma

the barrier held it; there was no escape. The creature rested for a while, recovering a little of its strength for yet another go against the barrier. The urge to keep going was strong.

This time with more success,

comma splice

a crack and light appeared. It had never seen light before. The light was uncomfortable and hurt its eyes.

‘Push

Comma

little one, push a little more,’

That's not direct speech attribution, so no comma and lower case (it would be interesting to see where the limit lies, though. "said a voice from the other" is obviously direct, but "came from the other"?) though

sounds from outside the barrier. The first time anything had ever communicated with it. The clicks and squeaks registered with it. The language of the Many was already there, just waiting to be used by it.

This small amount of encouragement was enough for it to start pushing again and then

comma here if you really need that "suddenly"

suddenly, its head was free; its eyes took in the outside world for the first time. Eyes that were not yet well developed and the creature could see little more than general shapes and shades of colour. Finally it had space to move its head, but not the strength to do so. It no longer had much energy left and

Comma

after breaking out into this new world

Comma

simply hung its head, exhausted, feeling dismay and wonder at the same time.

‘Welcome

Comma

little one, push a little more. You’re almost free,’ said the voice again, the clicks slow and supportive.

It squeaked. Moving around in the remains of its egg shell and trying to communicate, but not yet having the skill

Support was still there. ‘I am Nurse 47/H4, you are welcome

Comma

little one,’ said the voice, now recognised as Nurse 47/H4.

Almost free it stopped to rest, its head lying on the ground while most of its body was still in the shell. The baby creature was completely exhausted. Sleep was already beginning to wash over the little one,

Comma splice

with is

its

task almost complete the urge to push was now fading.

‘Push a little more little one, your egg has finally broken and you’re almost free. Do not stop now.’

So it pushed again, one last time with the last of its strength. With encouragement and some help from Nurse 47/H4, it finally broke free from its egg and fell onto the warm hatching floor, newly born.

‘Welcome little one, time for you to rest. I will bring food to help you recover’ said Nurse 47/H4.

It could feel Nurse 47/H4 gently cleaning its skin. The tender and reassuring strokes of the nurse’s feelers were comforting to this new life. But for now all this newly born Many could do was recover. It had nothing left, all its strength gone.

Yet still there was a lot to process and take in. There were new sights and smells to get used to and it was all too much for this new life, lying exhausted on the warm hatchling floor. Slowly, ever so slowly it closed its eyes.

Nurse 47/H4 gently carried the new hatchling to a resting shelf where it would be warm and safe. The smell of the nurse was imprinting onto the sleeping baby, enabling it to take its place among the Many that worked and thrived all around, even while it slept.

[Bowler1]

Ok Chris.
The first no comma is a pause where I'm trying to draw attention to the barrier.
The first comma splice is correct but style wise feels more correct as it is and highlights the light.
For both the above, would you object too much if the lines were left as they were?
As for the rest of the red ink, you're right but thankfully it's not looking like a crime scene this time!
The first two were errors you could have let me off!!!
There really is no mercy on here!!!

CTG I'm glad you care. My decisions about my writing style have been based on information you and others have shared with me. I am starting to settle on a style of my own and I have the confidence to make a more informed decision about my style because of your help and other members on here. I'm having a few of your lines thank you and they will go straight into my WIP. I'm going to pass on a few as well mate.

[chrispenycate]

Grins. Merci? You were expecting mercy? The wheels of Chrispy grind very slow, but they grind exceeding small.

That first

for as long as it could remember and still, the barrier held it

a pause there sounds odd; would you consider it before the "and still"? But of course this is your story, entirely your decision, all I can ever make are suggestions.

I believe that hanging and drawing has been discontinued for comma splices, and they are now quite tolerated in some quarters {mutters something incomprehensible about falling standards and his youth} so consider that I'm just drawing attention towards points you might have to defend later. And yes, there is less reddening this time.

[Bowler1]

Before the and is a very good idea thank you.
I was not expecting any mercy - but even STILL......
I will do my best to acheive high standards with your help of course, but it's nice to know the whole english language is making an effort to meet me somewhere in the middle.

[David Evil Overlord]

About the only thing I saw that wasn't already covered by others was this:

So it pushed again, one last time with the last of its strength. With encouragement and some help from Nurse 47/H4, it finally broke free from its egg and fell onto the warm hatching floor, newly born.

‘Welcome little one, time for you to rest. I will bring food to help you recover’ said Nurse 47/H4.

It could feel Nurse 47/H4 gently cleaning its skin. The tender and reassuring strokes of the nurse’s feelers were comforting to this new life. But for now all this newly born Many could do was recover. It had nothing left, all its strength gone.

Yet still there was a lot to process and take in. There were new sights and smells to get used to and it was all too much for this new life, lying exhausted on the warm hatchling floor. Slowly, ever so slowly it closed its eyes.

Maybe a different phrase or two? It sounds like it's repeating repeating.

[Fishbowl Helmet]

Hello, and thanks for sharing. I like the story idea, but have to agree with more than a few of the nits already picked.

Originally Posted by Bowler1

The urge to push against the barrier that held it tight was now all that consumed it.

I would take a long, hard look at that opening sentence. The terminal 'it' here is meant to imply the thing pushing, but grammar dictates the 'it' here indicates the barrier instead. I would rework this to make the sentence less ambiguous, possibly shuffling to strengthen the language overall as well.

I think you could easily tighten the prose in places. I hope you won't mind me reworking this passage.

All of the thing's strength had been used on this task; it was beginning to tire. The creature had been pushing with all it had for as long as it could remember, and still, the barrier held; there was no escape. The creature rested a while, recovering a little of it's strength for yet another go against the barrier. The urge to keep going was strong.

I think 'strong' here is a weak word to use. It's not descriptive enough. You have a chance to kick the reader in the teeth with a good metaphor or simile, or at the least--and pardon the pun--a much stronger word here. Likewise, 'keep going' and 'go' are weak. Move the story ahead here and indicate the goal reached for, instead of the looser 'keep going'.

For me at least, 'go' here lends a much more conversational tone to the passage, when you seem to be trying to build tension and at least some pathos for the thing contained. I would suggest reworking to punch up the effect you want to achieve.

Thanks again, and I for one am interested in seeing your revisions.

[Bowler1]

DOE a well spotted repeat thank you.

Welcome FH and I will consider your comments as you are right in what you say but its not all I was aiming for. The first line double 'it' is still a worry for me. I like the idea of the reader doing a quick little double take when reading but may be pushing my luck here. I'm not aiming for tension in this section more of a - ahh cute, but what was it feeling. I like to punch the reader in the face - pow, bish, bash, pop and blam, (take note DOE) but not with every section. Anyway welcome FH.

[David Evil Overlord]

As I look even closer, I see we have a "hatching" floor, and a "hatchling" floor. Not sure if that's what you intended, or if spellcheck has messed with your prose.

[Jake Reynolds]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

I like the idea of the reader doing a quick little double take when reading but may be pushing my luck here.

Hey Bowler, I agree with the comments of the other folks. As to your comment above, if a reader does a double take then you're disengaging them from the story, which might be distracting and cause delay in their immersion.

[Bowler1]

Very good spot DOE thank you and one I had missed.
I'll have a good think about the opening line guys. I find myself very protective of this line for some reason and I'm not sure why!

[I, Brian]

A couple of comments:

- By using the phrase "the creature" you are keeping us detached from it, yet you later try and move into it's POV. Be consistent - are you providing a narrative voice, or a personal character POV?

- How does the creature understand the words spoken immediately? As this looks like a birthing scene, I would have though the creature's language development would still be ongoing. Of course, if you intend a narrative voice, stick with that - and use character POV to set up conflict.

2c.

[Jammill Khursheed]

I still get taken aback by the repetition of "little one" and "push a little more"... I know "Little one" is repeated as a point, and that comes across with the writing without it having to be explained, but changing "push a little more" to something like "try again" or "push harder" not only does away with some of the (unintentional) repetition, it helps the intentional bits stand out better and make more of a point...

I liked the naming in the older version better, just having "nurse 47/h4" makes it sound like a droid of some sort, whereas the older version I can't remember of the top of my head made it sound like an alien hive of sorts...

I appreciate this might be a style thing for the scanning of the prose more than an actual change to the meaning of the names, but to get both in there she could introduce herself the older way and then say "you can just call me 47/h4"... AND I missed the alien getting named, and the explanations about certain things being imprinted as genetic memory, such as the ability to understand speech, which other people have mentioned as not making sense in this version (nobody said that the first time.)...

It DOES have better pacing than the original version, and if I hadn't read that nothing would have stood out to me as wrong per-say, but it does loose a bit more than I'm sure you meant to in gaining that brevity... Plus without having read the earlier draught the fact he understands language would have jarred me, and I'd still be convinced 47/h4 was an r2d2 and not like the worker ant that tends the larvae...


Jammill