2x10^3 Post - 973 words - CotM and tGM

[ctg]

I've been dreading this particular number for a number of weeks. Hence I haven't posted a thing. However, since two thousand comes after this one I thought I should follow the tradition and post something I'm not so precious about like I am on my current WiP.

For those that don't know I wrote five versions on Children of the Matrix before I decided to poke my toe in the publishing waters. Agents didn't appriciate it and I accumulated a number of rejections before I wrote the sixth version for a Finnish SF/F competition. The letter I got back said that the quality was high but not high enough for the one winning place that went to a female fantasy novelist.

So I binned it and did the same with the sequel that was titled The God Machine. And as I'm posting the ending of the CotM, I'd like to tell you guys the long story in few words. The trilogy beginning focused around Tom Delay, an extraordinary safe-cracker who found out that he had time-travelling abilities that took him in the middle of the post-apocalyptic 22nd century. Soon after he arrived there he became hunted by a multi-planetary mega-corporation that was after something that was in his blood. That something was unique nanites, that the mega-corporation had used to make biomechanoids in order to achieve FTL communication (recently proven scientific concept). After series of adventures Tom ended striking the corporation back by setting himself to steal the children from corporate HQ in the Deep Sea Colony 7.

So this is where you guys jump in, at the hairy ending of the CotM and the beginning of the tGM. I'll hope you'll enjoy critiquing a rare (unedited version 5) ending as we don't see them often.

[ctg]

Maybe I just have rescued them from the hell.

The blue light immersed six tubes and the Inspector. And a few seconds later there was nothing but air left over the teleporter.

“Load the one,” Tree ordered. “And get ready.”

“Yes sir,” Igor said, tapping in the command that unlocked the oldest boy’s tube and loaded in on top of the pad. Tom smiled. He flipped a switch on last explosive as the scientist went to unlock the lifting system.

Suddenly his eyes caught a pair of sleek metallic spiders crawling on the ceiling. He looked around and saw more of them. The spiders were creeping out from behind the cables, airing ducts.

Tom felt adrenaline rushing through his veins; heightening his senses. He felt shirt fabric tightening with every breath of metallic tasting air he pulled in his lungs.

“Tree,” he shouted, and started running towards the pad. But the spiders had obviously other thoughts as they plunged down from the ceiling, creating obstacles between him and the pad.

Tom stopped on his tracks, flipped open the top of the detonator and said, “Don’t try me.” Then he heard a loud click. The wall on his right crackled, pulled in and then exploded out. The blast wave full of twisted metal and burning plastic hit him and hurled him around as if he weighted nothing.

[1101001]

“Barrett,” Jim shouted, pointing at the shimmering air above the plastic sheet they had laid on top of the dusty warehouse floor. Within a few seconds a single light pylon intensified in colour and brightness.

Just one, Barrett thought. Something’s not right.

“Take cover.” He swung the mini-gun from his back at front and thumped the switch. At the same time as the barrels started gathering speed, the connector on his palm enabled the smartgun that instantly painted a wide cross-hair over the pylon. The light show started to sparkle, blinked out and came back split in three.

This isn’t the delivery, Barrett decided. He took a deep breath as the light show intensified again and started to become more solid. On three.

One. Barrett moved his finger on the trigger.

Two. He started squeezing it, immediately shooting out a targeting laser.

Three…

The God Machine

"Everybody's a mad scientist, and life is their lab. We're all trying to experiment to find a way to live, to solve problems, to fend off madness and chaos." - David Cronenberg

PART I - WHAT WAS IT WORTH?

[0]

Es cursed the madness and chaos that went around him as he stepped over the biggest pieces of once-worthy stuff littering Deep Sea Colony’s first Base Colony’s shopping alleys. Every once and while his eyes glued to watch massive holographic-displays spitting out commercials before they suddenly pixelated and then alternated to show a leafy substance, that were rabidly eating resources in the Earth Super-Node.

If anything, what was going around felt like an end-of-the-world as he knew it. And it was all happening thanks to the Traveller’s plan on releasing a worm inside the mega-corporation network that was responsible for all communications inside the colony.

He had opposed the plan, knowing that at the end of it the plan wouldn’t end up executed exactly in the way Mister Dee had imagined. As in the first time he’d handled Tree’s worm, it’d nearly ruined all his computers, and this time there wasn’t an easy way back to the normality. Not with all of that fear and anxiety going around. Especially not with those that the corporations had forced to live at the edge of the society were crawling out from their hiding holes to shake the pillars on the community; a community that the Corporate Court had held in its iron gauntlet for so long time.

Tonight there weren’t electronic barriers, no robots, no security drones, not even the private security force to held back the numbers, as the rag-tag mops joined forces with those from the middle class who wanted to break the chains, and gain freedom by swooping down from one place to another like a horde of crazed wasteland mutants.

This … this is a total anarchy.

Even though what was going on was beyond his darkest dreams, he had not expected to see the Metropolitan Police standing at the back, doing nothing but guarding the essential and the most important pieces that the colony needed to function. Maybe they were scared, but then again, maybe they were under orders to wait until the Inter Planetary Security Forces had pulled a finger out from their collective-butt and massed enough of forces to take back what rightfully belonged to the powers-that-be.

But … “How long that’s gonna take?”

“What did you say buddy?” Manson asked.

Es glanced the three and half meter tall hulking figure on his side and said, “I was just wondering how long it’s gonna take for the big—“

“Oh, I don’t know.” Manson shrugged his shoulders. “Soon probably.”

“Yeah?” Es raised his eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Manson nodded. “Look at them. They’re waiting. So you know … something’s gonna happen sooner than later.”

Right. I have to do something before that drek-storm breaks loose. But what he were thinking wasn’t easy. Not without the Matrix. There just wasn’t any easy way to establish a connection to the Traveller’s team. Even the simplest things were down. And anything that could had established communication wasn’t going to come back anytime soon. No way…

“I said no. Don’t do it. But did you listen? No!” Es muttered angrily as he negotiated the escalators going up and down manically. Like with anything that had a connection to the Matrix, the escalators seemed to have a mind of their own. “She was right. This was the stupidest plan ever. They should’ve waited till I arrived. But did they? No fragging …”

[Bowler1]

Es cursed the madness and chaos that went around him as he stepped over the biggest pieces of once-worthy stuff littering Deep Sea Colony’s first Base Colony’s shopping alleys. The ending of this line is difficult for me. I can only assume the shopping alleys have been explained before.

Every once and while his eyes glued to watch massive holographic-displays spitting out commercials before they suddenly pixelated and then alternated to show a leafy substance, that were rabidly eating resources in the Earth Super-Node. I get what you’re saying here, CTG, but the line does not flow for me.
Tonight there weren’t electronic barriers,
I would have preferred – were no – instead of weren’t. Lots of no’s would not have bothered me.

from his back at front – is at correct?

The only section I did not like was the first paragraph in Part 1. That aside the drama and tension in the section was very good. Very good suspense when you left the three count hanging, I thought that was a really good touch. Good stuff.

You can relax again for another 1,000 posts.

[ctg]

Bowler1, the whole Deep Sea Colony has been described to some detail in the first book and at the bottom of the DSC 7 is four giant half domes that serves as a Base Colonies to a massive twisted bean stalk like structure that rises from the mid-atlantic ridge to the surface of the Atlantic Ocean. And at the beginning of the book 2, Es and Manson (Barrett's old army buddy) has just walked through the BC1's transit centre's custom check point to witness the worm - Es had captured at the first part of the book 1 - taking over the whole colony and starting a civil war.

I do admit that I could had put there more description, but I didn't as I always assumed that the readers would imagine Es and Manson walking through a mall like structure witnessing a kind of robotic revolution.

Barrett swungs a gyro-mounted minigun (a smartgun harness concept from the Alien 2) from a harness at his back to his front.

Thank you for the comment.

[TheDustyZebra]

Congratulations on your mathematical achievement! I'll have to come back later to give the piece a good look.

[Glitch]

Hi ctg, congrats on 2000 posts.

Interesting story, although we miss the detail by jumping in at the end.

I found some of the sentences didn't flow smoothly

Originally Posted by ctg

Maybe I just have rescued them from the hell.

Originally Posted by ctg

He flipped a switch on last explosive as the scientist went to unlock the lifting system.

Also the use of the word metallic twice stood out. Could you use a different word in one of those places?

The explosion felt like it could do with some more description.

Originally Posted by ctg

Tom stopped on his tracks, flipped open the top of the detonator and said, "Don’t try me." Then he heard a loud click. The wall on his right crackled, pulled in and then exploded out. The blast wave full of twisted metal and burning plastic hit him and hurled him around as if he weighted nothing.

The first part of the second story seemed to keep repeating itself - the POV character upset that things weren't done his way.

[ctg]

Interesting points Glitch. Thank you and if you like, look back for the threads around 2009 - 2010 to see more in the story. And to me to most interesting comments has been on the sequel front, as they give me the most of information on what not to do, when and if I develop another sequel.

[Boneman]

So that's where the metallic spiders come from...!! Is your avatar an illustration from the book? Irrespective of rejections and redraftings, it's a major event to actually finish a whole book. For every one that does, there are tens of thousands who don't, so good on you.

Congrats on 2,000 posts. I had read a lot of one of the drafts, and I hope you're going to put it away in a drawer and take it out again in x amount of months/years etc, because I still think it's a great idea, and I always like time-travel stories. I see he didn't die from the radiation poisoning, then...

“Tree,” he shouted, and started running towards the pad. But the spiders had obviously other thoughts as they plunged down from the ceiling, creating obstacles between him and the pad.

As it's a moment of tension (especially coming at the end of a book , with a cliff-hanger ending) , it might gather better momentum if you left out the spider's thoughts, even though it's staying well in his pov. And I'm sure others will disagree with me but I'd put in an exclamation mark. And lose one pad - it was mentioned a few sentences ago, and I hope the reader will relaise he's running towards it, as the spiders create obstacles between him and the pad...

“Tree!” he shouted, and started running. But the spiders plunged down from the ceiling, creating obstacles between him and the pad.

I love the way he fires on two...

[The Judge]

Congratulations on the 2,000th!

I remember this story with the children (though I don't recall the radiation poisoning). I'd wondered what happened to it. Boneman's right, don't give up on the story. It's always worth having another look at things.

I liked the way the ending of the first book is a real cliff-hanger. I wondered whether you've started the second a touch early, though, and whether we'd be better off seeing the drek-storm arriving first with the cops beating up on the rioters (if that's what happens) with the explanation/back story after. I dunno. Beginnings are always difficult.

[ctg]

Boneman and TJ, it has been in the draw since 2010 and i'll think it's going to stay there for a very long time. I don't have any feelings for this story. Cyberpunk is pretty dead. And to be honest, I would probably split the first book in three and second one probably in two if not in three. The last one I would keep as one big one as in there the story is split in two time-frames, future and 1980's.

Thank you for the comments.

PS. The spiders are introduced much earlier.

[I, Brian]

Originally Posted by ctg

Maybe I just have rescued them from the hell.

The blue light immersed six tubes and the Inspector. And a few seconds later there was nothing but air left over the teleporter.

“Load the one,” Tree ordered. “And get ready.”

“Yes sir,” Igor said, tapping in the command that unlocked the oldest boy’s tube and loaded in on top of the pad. Tom smiled. He flipped a switch on last explosive as the scientist went to unlock the lifting system.

Suddenly his eyes caught a pair of sleek metallic spiders crawling on the ceiling. He looked around and saw more of them. The spiders were creeping out from behind the cables, airing ducts.

Tom felt adrenaline rushing through his veins; heightening his senses. He felt shirt fabric tightening with every breath of metallic tasting air he pulled in his lungs.

“Tree,” he shouted, and started running towards the pad. But the spiders had obviously other thoughts as they plunged down from the ceiling, creating obstacles between him and the pad.

Tom stopped on his tracks, flipped open the top of the detonator and said, “Don’t try me.” Then he heard a loud click. The wall on his right crackled, pulled in and then exploded out. The blast wave full of twisted metal and burning plastic hit him and hurled him around as if he weighted nothing.

A couple of pointers:

- Igor: has become an almost caracture name. It's Dr Frankenstein's assistant, done to death in parody and comedy. I felt it made your narrative weak as it implies a less serious dimension to something that otherwise appears serious.

- The spiders. The spiders. The spiders. "They" will do fine and avoid repetition.

- Without foreshadowing, the spiders jar in the narrative. If this has been covered before this bit, then fine. If not, then some degree of tension to imply fear of attack would be helpful.

- "felt adrenaline" you don't "feel" adrenaline - you feel it's effects. In which case, describe the effects - don't reduce it to biology textbook terminology. How does a rush of adrenaline *feel*? Attempts to describe this felt a bit cliched and not properly in the character POV. The famous "fight or flight" response means I would expect something else than heightened senses and a tight shirt.

There's a good general tension in this scene, though it feels a bit rushed. While there may be room to explain a few things, I can appreciate it works without. However, a little tightening and focus on character experience - not much, just enough - may work better (not least to set up tension/apprehension such as the fear of attack). Also, the explosion at the end feels confusing - where are the explosives located? I'm not sure feeling weightless really describes being caught in an explosion as there is a lot of force involved, which means a clear sense of motion.

[ctg]

Thank you for the pointers Brian. Like I said before the story is dead to me. I'm not going to touch it, but I would like to explain the usage of Igor, which is a perfectly good Russian name. I could have named him Boris, Anton or Vlad but none of those did strike me as much as Igor did. He was the caretaker and one of the scientists that had brought the biomechanoid children alive. And he was going to be much more open in the second book, where he guides the eldest boy through the "new" world.

[Sho Pi]

Let's see if this works. I tried to quote with the button, but that was too much of a mess to actually add edits to the text.

First of all I have some trouble with commenting on this text, because I have not seen anything that precedes it.

The blue light immersed six tubes and the Inspector. And a few seconds later there was nothing but air left over the teleporter.

“Load the one,” Tree ordered. “And get ready.”

“Yes sir,” Igor said, tapping in the command that unlocked the oldest boy’s tube and loaded in I'm assuming you mean: it on top of the pad. Tom smiled. He flipped a switch on the last explosive as the scientist went to unlock the lifting system.

Suddenly his eyes caught This is a mixed metaphor, you either catch a glimpse of or eyes are drawn to a pair of sleek metallic spiders crawling on the ceiling. He looked around and saw more of them. The spiders were creeping out from behind the cables, airing ducts. I would turn these two into one sentence.

Tom felt adrenaline rushing through his veins; heightening his senses. He felt shirt fabric tightening with every breath of metallic tasting air he pulled in his lungs. The fabric of his shirt tightening around his chest with every breath he pulled into his lungs, and the taste of metal they left behind in his mouth.

“Tree,” he shouted, and started running towards the pad. But the spiders had obviously other thoughts as they plunged down from the ceiling, creating obstacles between him and the pad.

Tom stopped on his tracks, flipped open the top of the detonator and said, “Don’t try me.” Then he heard a loud click. The wall on his right crackled, pulled in and then exploded out. The blast wave full of twisted metal and burning plastic hit him and hurled him around as if he weighted nothing.

I don't know. I'm having some problems with your style. Maybe I'll look at the rest later to try to put my finger on the exact problem I'm having with it. Your are obviously a good writer, but there seems to be something missing...

[ctg]

Thank you. I don't think myself as a good writer, quite the opposite. And yes, there's something lacking in this version, that's not in the sixth as I completely rewrote the ending to fit the story and it's sequel. And as always interesting to see the comments, so don't worry if you don't find strength to do more. This piece is here so that the people can get practice and see how I had dealt with one ending.