POV shift

[allmywires]

I have two principal POV characters, and I'm wondering if the shift here works (the chapter so far is all Ezia's pov, then it shifts to Ricardo's.)

Ezia looked at the nuts despairingly, though they were surprisingly flavoursome, and hoped Maracq cuisine was a little more impressive than their wayfarer meals. Both her and Emile watched the Maracq woman return with the elephant, her shrieks of delight audible even from where they were sat.

‘And one – and two – and three – in the name of all that’s good, man, what are you doing?’ they could hear Alberto yelling. Vanna dropped the stick they were sparring with and held his hands up in supplication.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Try again,’ Alberto snapped, snatching the stick back up and thrusting it at Vanna. He stepped back and shook his head.

‘No, that’s enough for tonight.’

‘It’s not, because you’re terrible, and we don’t have enough time to train you as it is. Take it back.’

‘I won’t be ordered around by you,’ Vanna hissed back, taking the stick only to throw it down at Alberto’s feet again.

‘Do you want to die?’ he called after him, but Vanna disappeared into a wagon and he was left alone. Ricardo picked up his stick, chewing on a fragrant leaf he had found that turned out to be quite a satiating snack, and prodded Alberto in the hip.

‘I’ll fight you.’

‘You don’t need help,’ he said, visibly softening, giving him a gentle shove back in the stomach. Ricardo couldn’t help but privately agree; his coordination was good, and he’d only got hit a few times by Alberto, who whilst not being the greatest swordsman of their ranks was nonetheless quite exceptional.

[springs]

Technically, it's head hopping. Can I follow it, yes. Do I have a problem with it, no. But I head hop without realising it, I shift pov and am sure I don't, and somehow it seems natural to do so... but in purist terms, it is head hopping.

[allmywires]

Thanks springs, ugh I thought the dreaded h-word might come up. I'm hoping since the scene seamlessly *cough* switches to Ricardo's POV it might be a bit less jarring, rather than just hovering in his head for a while before returning to Ezia.

[ctg]

I won't say it's wrong as long as you stick to that POV for sometime. I've seen that same technique being used by many established authors, both in English and in Finnish. It opens you new angle to attack the scene, but also that new angle has to take the story to complete different direction for a little while.

[Grizzgreen711]

I don't see a problem with it, and I"ll admit that I head-hop all the time. Just look at some of my excerpts that I've had critiqued. However, if done right, head hopping is just fine. You'll find with the exception of a couple, most people still find my head-hopping understandable ( or these guys are just really nice).

It's all in how you present the scene. As someone who loves to read, reading this, I find that it makes sense. I think it works here.

Take my amateur critiquing eyes for what they're worth.

[Ursa major]

As ever, the golden rule is that if it works, it's okay. However, today's readers are used to different PoVs being separated, either by a scene break or by starting a new chapter. (I'm satisfied by a scene change.) Most of them will see this and if they don't think "head-hopping", they'll still assume something's amiss.

Is there any reason why your PoV change is in the middle of a sentence, particularly one which provides an ending? And as Ricardo hasn't been mentioned - as far as I can tell (but he may have been, earlier in Ezia's narration) - you could provide a suitable entrance, probably one that's a lot better than the one I'm about to:

‘Try again,’ Alberto snapped, snatching the stick back up and thrusting it at Vanna. He stepped back and shook his head.

‘No, that’s enough for tonight.’

‘It’s not, because you’re terrible, and we don’t have enough time to train you as it is. Take it back.’

‘I won’t be ordered around by you,’ Vanna hissed back, taking the stick only to throw it down at Alberto’s feet again.

‘Do you want to die?’ he called after him, but Vanna disappeared into a wagon and he was left alone.

#

Ricardo stepped out from the shade of the tree, chewing on a fragrant leaf he'd plucked from a low-hanging branch. A satiating snack, he thought.

He picked up Alberto's stick and prodded him in the hip. ‘I’ll fight you.’

‘You don’t need help.’ Alberto gave him a gentle shove back in the stomach.

Ricardo couldn’t help but privately agree; his coordination was good, and he’d only got hit a few times by Alberto, who whilst not being the greatest swordsman in their ranks was nonetheless quite exceptional.

[allmywires]

Now you mention it, Ursa, I wonder why I didn't split the scenes when they are so clearly separate. Hmm.

Well, the consensus seems to be that either way would work. I'll think about it. thanks.

[The Judge]

Hi

I'm with Ursa. It's a definite POV shift, and although you could get away with it, you might be better off introducing the scene break there. Is Ezia still watching, though? Is there a good reason for the POV change?

I've gone through and nit-picked, as there were a couple of flagrant errors of grammar in the first para which got my talons itching.

red = suggested addition/amendment
blue = suggested deletion
purple = comment

Originally Posted by allmywires

Ezia looked at the nuts despairingly, though they were surprisingly [two long adverbs, both with the -ing, too, are a bit clumsy so close together -- if you don't want to delete the first one, perhaps "with despair"] flavoursome, and hoped Maracq cuisine was a little more impressive than their wayfarer meals. Both she [her] [her watched??] and Emile watched the Maracq woman return with the elephant, her [the "her" is momentarily confusing, as this could be Ezia shrieking. I'd suggest "the woman's" even though that is close repetition] shrieks of delight audible even from where they were sitting [sat]. ["where they sat" or "where they were sitting" -- never a bastard combination of the two other than in direct speech of the semi-illiterate of yesteryear, or modern-day youth... ]

[this next bit rather confused me, as I thought this was the shrieking woman with the elephant until the "Alberto", and all of a sudden we've got two new people here. If these two have been apparent earlier in the scene, and Ezia has been watching them, fine -- but it's such an abrupt change, it's still dislocating and I'd suggest you introduce it better, eg "But Ezia's attention was drawn back to Alberto when he started yelling at Vanna again" or something of that kind. If we haven't seen these two before, then unless it's important that we see Ezia witnessing it, this might be the place to scene break so that this is all in Ricardo's POV]
‘And one – and two – and three. In the name of all that’s good, man, what are you doing?’ they could hear Alberto yelling. [I can understand why you've got the run on with the "they" in lower case, but it's awkward as it bears all the appearance of a dialogue tag and then isn't one. The "they could hear" distances us -- and is a change of POV, since we're not previously in Emile's mind so we can't know he hears it. I'd suggest a simple "Albert yelled" -- if you are writing well enough in POV, then we know that Ezia has heard it, because we are seeing everything through her]

[suggest new para here and then the dialogue can follow immediately after this line in the same para] Vanna dropped the stick they were sparring with [they were sparring with? Only one stick between them? Doesn't Alberto have one?] and held his hands up in supplication.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Try again,’ Alberto snapped, snatching the stick back up and thrusting it at Vanna. [that's a lot of movement which is happening simultaneously with two short, snapped words] Vanna [He] ["He" is Alberto, as the subject of the last sentence, so again this is confusing. I'd suggest you also make this a new para and add the following line of dialogue on the end again] stepped back and shook his head.

‘No, that’s enough for tonight.’

‘It’s not, because you’re terrible, and we don’t have enough time to train you as it is. Take it back.’

‘I won’t be ordered around by you,’ Vanna hissed back, [er... hissing without any sibilants at all in the sentence is rather a good trick... And the "back" is otiose and is clumsy repetition after that last line of Alberto's] taking the stick, only to throw it down at Alberto’s feet again. [by using the present participle -- the -ing -- you're making this happen at the same time as he speaks again, and it's a continuing action, but that action clearly ends whereas the sentence continues, as we see from the following sub-clause, so you're risking the dreaded non-continuing participle... The Toolbox ... so at the very least you need a comma after "stick" to show the action ending, though I'm still not entirely happy with it. Be careful of these constructions -- simple past tense is often the better choice]

‘Do you want to die?’ Alberto [he] [again a possible confusion of which "he" as Vanna was the last subject] called after him, [the "after him" is odd, because we haven't seen Vanna move away yet] but Vanna disappeared into a wagon [and he was left alone]. [not needed -- and he's not very alone if Ricardo is close enough to prod him in the hip...]

[new para as a minimum] Ricardo picked up the [his] [again confusion -- "his" could be Ricardo's own stick] stick, chewing on a fragrant leaf he had found [lying around? if not "picked" or alternatives might be a better verb] that turned out to be quite a satiating snack, [this sub-clause interrupts the action for no reason -- if you want it in, then Ursa's treatment of it is better, having it as an intro before the action starts. Here "quite" is a little arch, and I'd urge you to reconsider "satiating snack"...] and prodded Alberto in the hip.

‘I’ll fight you.’

‘You don’t need help,’ Alberto [he] [again the "he" is confusing as the last subject of a sentence is Ricardo] said, visibly softening, giving him a gentle shove back in the stomach. [again you're using the present participle to show continuing action at the same time as a few words are spoken -- this can be effective, but I think you're in danger of overusing it]

[new para] Ricardo couldn’t help but privately agree; his coordination was good, and he’d only got hit a few times by Alberto, who, whilst not being the greatest swordsman in [of] their ranks, was nonetheless quite exceptional.[er... "quite exceptional" means more than just very good, you know, so this sounds rather odd, as well as, again, rather arch with that qualifying "quite" -- if Ricardo is meant to be a bit fey, all well and good, otherwise you might want to reconsider. Personally, I'd think twice about the whole paragraph which is very "telling" and dumped here for no apparent reason

Sorry I've rather gone to town on the comments. As you can see, for me the main issues are possible confusion, not least as you're using pronouns indiscriminately, and the participial clauses. The confusion is only momentary, but anything which takes us out of the story, even briefly, while we have to re-read or eg think about who is speaking, is a potential problem.

Hope that helps a little, though.

[allmywires]

Thanks TJ, very thorough! Alberto was mentioned before, but I'll probably put it in a new scene now anyway. Scenes between multiple characters of the same sex always gives me a headache - I don't want too many nametags to clutter the text, but otherwise it's confusing. Le sigh.