Two beginnings

[ctg]

Hex, after reading the larger bit, I'd say that you shouldn't try to alter the beginning so much as what have done with the excerpt number two. However, I'd say to keep the example and stitch it in when you need an flashback or something like that to the time when she needs to realise what really happened at that day.

You know, Mister King and Mister Gibson has said that they only write twice every story and then they leave it to mature. So please listen your muse and don't try too hard to impress the audience in away that the story isn't meant to be told.

[Hex]

Something like this?

The stink of smoke and decaying leather. A dark sky low over empty fields. I sat in the dull compartment, knees together, gloved hands in my lap, and managed not to cry.

Dania's dead, the train chattered, Dania's dead, Dania's dead, Dania's dead.

It didn't say I'd killed her, but enough people were saying that already.


Chapter 1

The morning had started predictably, with Ella taunting me about the accident.

"You'd better eat, skinny," she said around a mouthful of bacon, "or there'll be nothing left when your beloved Prof gets home."

"Eat, Rachel, please." Dittany pushed a plate towards me. Mushrooms dribbled dark juice over the eggs, bacon lay pink and fat across fried potatoes. It smelled of burning flesh.

I picked up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just-"

"Blubbering over that Normal."

"Dania. And I'm not 'blubbering'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "Why? You didn't see her doing Mikhail, did you?"

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. Everyone knows what Mik gets up to with his little projects. Even the Prof's perfect girl knew, didn't you."

I shrugged. I couldn't deny I'd let Dania into the lab because she was Mikhail's latest obsession. I had a fair idea what they'd been doing.

"See? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "Just."

I bit the corner off my piece of toast. Soon we'd go to the lab where I was in charge. Part of the reason for Ella's bile, but at least there she'd need to be quiet.

I didn't get there. Right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door.

We stared at each other. The hammering came again and the door shook. Dittany grabbed Ella's arm.

"Don't! Don't open it."

[ctg]

Yes.

I feel that people should stop posting these things as it forces me to post and get closer to that dreaded xxxx post.

[The Judge]

I miss the "They came at breakfast time..." line -- it adds a frisson in a way that "The morning had started predictably..." doesn't. I know that it makes what follows a bit of a jump back in time for a minute or two, but as long as it isn't overused I think that's acceptable -- and the "had" in the present line is distancing in any event.

Some nit-picky thoughts:

Originally Posted by Hex

The stink of smoke and decaying leather. A dark sky low over empty fields. I sat in the dull [I'd like a more evocative adjective here. Not that I can think of one off hand...] compartment, knees together, gloved hands in my lap, and managed not to cry.

Dania's dead, the train chattered. [I think a full stop here] Dania's dead, Dania's dead, Dania's dead.

It didn't say I'd killed her, but enough people were saying that already.


Chapter 1

The morning [had] started predictably, with Ella taunting me about the accident.

"You'd better eat, skinny," she said around a mouthful of bacon, "or there'll be nothing left of you [I don't think anyone would confuse it with having no food left but it's a bit odd without it] when your beloved Prof gets home."

"Eat, Rachel, please." Dittany pushed a plate towards me. Mushrooms dribbled dark juice over the eggs, [in two minds about putting a semi-colon here] bacon lay pink and fat across fried potatoes. It smelled of burning flesh.

I picked up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just-"

"Blubbering over that Normal." [having read the scene already, we know it's Ella, not Dittany speaking, but I wonder if someone coming fresh to the scene would know that since the last person to speak was Dittany. If you want to avoid a "said Ella" or give her another action, perhaps add her name when Rachel speaks eg "... Dania, Ella."]

"Her name is... was... [wonder if you need to make it explicit that Normal = Dania] Dania. And I'm not 'blubbering'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "Why? You didn't see her doing Mikhail, did you?" [this line no longer fits as well, to my mind. I read "see" as "know what was going on" not "physically witness" but in the next breath she says that even Rachel knew, so that reading no longer holds good, and I don't think the alternative works as well. Unless perhaps you change it to "Or did you?" at the end, which then explains the next bit plus also imparts a voyeuristic charge to it]

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. Everyone knows what Mik gets up to with his little projects. Even the Prof's perfect girl knew, didn't you?"

[I shrugged.] [shrugging is rather a dismissive, nonchalent action, which doesn't fit with her mood, I wouldn't have thought. How about having her looking away if you want a reaction which Ella can see] I couldn't deny I'd let Dania into the lab because she was Mikhail's latest obsession. I had a fair idea what they'd been doing. [is it important that we know that she knows what was going on? If not, I think I'd omit these two sentences]

"See? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "Just."

I bit the corner off my piece of toast. [this comes over as an aggressive action. Is that what you intend? If not, I'd suggest she puts the toast down, uneaten] Soon we'd go to the lab where I was in charge. That was part of the reason for Ella's bile, but at least there she'd need to be quiet.

I didn't get there. Right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door. [this is rather a downbeat line for something so important -- I think it's the "someone" which isn't helping. I've tried variations of "Immediately after, the University Police arrived." but that sounds like she's expecting them. "... the hammering started at the door." possibly?]

We stared at each other. The hammering came again and the door shook. Dittany grabbed Ella's arm.

"Don't! Don't open it."

But yes, I think this is the way forward. Well done.

[RJM Corbet]

Chapter 1

The morning had started predictably, with Ella taunting me about the accident.

"You'd better eat (,skinny" she said around a mouthful of bacon, ") or there'll be nothing left of you (when) by the time your beloved Prof gets home," she said around a mouthful of bacon.

"Eat, Rachel. Please." Dittany pushed (a plate) the plate closer towards me. Mushrooms dribbled (oozed?) dark juice over the eggs; bacon lay pink and fat across the fried potatoes. It smelled of burning flesh.

I picked up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just -"

"Just blubbering? Over that normal."(Otherwise it can read as if the blubbering is normal, with a punctuation error, the full-stop left out by mistake? I read it that way in the 'mooning' version ...)

"Dania. Her name's Dania. And I'm not 'blubbering'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "Why? You didn't see her doing Mikhail either, did you?"

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. Everyone knows what Mik gets up to with his little projects," Ella said. "Even the Prof's perfect girl knew. Didn't you?"

I shrugged. I couldn't deny I'd let Dania into the lab (a comma here will decide whether she couldn't deny it because she had indeed let D in -- or did she let D in because she was M's latest obsession?) because she was Mikhail's latest obsession. I had a fair idea what they'd been doing.

"(See)Well? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "(Just) Almost."

I bit the corner off my piece of toast. Soon we'd go to the lab where I was in charge. Part of the reason for Ella's bile, but at least there she'd need to be quiet.

I didn't get there. Right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door.

We stared at each other. The hammering came again and the door shook. Dittany grabbed Ella's arm.

"(Don't!) Don't open it!"

Great, Hex ...

[Hex]

Thank you very much!

I was trying to reduce the complexity of the time jump (train --> university and then back to train) which was why I tried writing the new opening. I like the sentence 'They came at breakfast time...' too, but I worried that since I'm already messing about with time a little, then to do another time hop, even if it is a mini-one, would be too much.

I'll need to think about it. Ideally, I need about 6 months to think about this, and a nice quiet drawer to put it in while I get on with my fudge zombies. However.

[springs]

Indeed:however. Much virtual cake coming and going across the Edinburgh-Belfast invisible
cake-string, me thinks. We'll get there. We will.
And then you can write your fudge zombies, and I can do my medieval castle ghosty thingie.

[Warren_Paul]

Working on alternative projects? that'd be nice.

My own zombies are feeling all but forgotten about.