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Old 26th March 2012, 06:29 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Mythological origins (702 words)

This is the origins of my myth at least the intro I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy

Origins



 

The old man sat down on the far end of the desk looking deep within

Desmond holding his breath. His eyes shifted colors from blue to brown

eventually to green before finally exhaling” I believe it is your destiny to

know that which is beyond you… There is a storm and you must know the

players.” he said nodding to himself pleased. With a sigh he opened the

bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out two small glasses and placed

them on the desk grentel he muttered as the glasses filled

instantly with a yellow liquor.


“Let us begin… There was an existence long before time was a

concept in the minds of the Great Ones. Each had it’s own little world,

playground if you will to do as they wished with, if you or anyone for that

matter would have seen us you would have said we were wandering

aimlessly throughout the dark void.” He raised the small glass up to his

mouth, his eyes were a glossy white as if reliving the events, “worlds

shattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us desiring

to be us yet they are no more… Distant stars shone brightly throughout

the cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future if

you will, and believe me it was beautiful!” Sitting back in his chair he

began organizing his next thoughts into words, rubbing his hands through

his thinning hair.


Structure was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and

move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the end… Yet

happiness, true happiness was a fleeting memory. Design and structure

fell to the waist side. See happiness is a funny thing, we had never known

it therefore never missed it but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched

the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memory” Slowly Celtare

got up to his feet, and began pacing the room glass empty

grentel he mumbled again “a painful memory. Some of us left of

course others descended upon others fighting for supremacy, darkness

was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far

from our brothers and sisters.


After countless cycles there was an unexpected eruption of light…

We the Great Ones were alive again. No longer did we drift aimlessly, we

grew strong. Those that were weak fell before us crying for mercy but

war, I mean true war could not be avoided. We fed upon each other

absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of

what they once were. That is until the first form of life was seen on what

you call Jupiter, it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the

clouds of hydrogen feeding on other like creatures.


Life beyond us” tears flowed down the old man’s face,” was a dream

long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of

our brothers destroying that precious life, some of us fought for structure

circling around the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down

upon my home breaking my home into two, along with my essanance.

That is why I stand here old and decreptide, the envy of all others.


Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I being ripped

apart was to weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the

realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire

formed from us merging. There are many that follow him and his ways

causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that

oppose him. He moves in the shadows fearful to show his self but his time

will come as it will for all.


As you know I am Celtare, many before you have called me

“God” or even “Mother Earth” although the last is the closest

as you see I am no woman, “he laughed to himself” ruler of

the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile

planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as

they are, yet even death can be tamed.

Last edited by juelz4sure; 26th March 2012 at 06:30 PM. Reason: seperating paragraphs
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Old 26th March 2012, 07:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

I like your myth, but I'm not going to sort out the punctuation etc, for you, and neither will any agent or publisher, unless you want to pay someone to do it?

Has real potential but needs some nuts and bolts work, ok?

Sorry, it may sound rough, but the presentation is so disjointed that I can't really pay it the attention it deserves? May come back later, but you know, that's also going to be the average reader's reaction? Surely you can tidy it up a bit first? Sorry Juelz ...

Last edited by RJM Corbet; 26th March 2012 at 08:18 PM.
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Old 26th March 2012, 10:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
This is the origins of my myth
Comma
Quote:
at least the intro
Period
Quote:
I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy
Quote:

Origins



 

The old man sat down on the far end of the desk
Probably a comma here.
Quote:
looking deep within
Desmond
Is it the old man or Desmond holding his breath? If the former, comma here.
Quote:
holding his breath. His eyes shifted colors from blue to brown
At least a comma here, I'd suggest an "and".
Quote:
eventually to green before finally
His eyes exhaled? What species does inflatable eyeballs?
Quote:
exhaling
Period, unless his eyeballs are exhaling the speech.
Quote:
”I believe it is your destiny to know that which is beyond you… There is a storm and you must know the players.” he said
Comma.
Quote:
nodding to himself
Comma
Quote:
pleased.

With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and
Consider replacing this "and" with a comma, to eliminate the chained conjunctions.
Quote:
pulled out two small glasses and placed them on the desk
Full stop (period?)
Quote:
grentel he muttered as the glasses filled instantly with a yellow liquor.


“Let us begin… There was an existence long before time was a concept in the minds of the Great Ones. Each had it’s
its (the apostrophe is only used for the contraction of "it is/it has"
Quote:
own little world, playground if you will
comma
Quote:
to do as they
As you have rendered the 'Great Ones' genderless with your "its own little world", avoid the plural "they" and continue in impersonal mode, "it"
Quote:
wished with,
Comma splice
Quote:
if you
Comma
Quote:
or anyone for that

matter
Comma, and "had seen us" would flow better than "would have seen" after the "if".
Quote:
would have seen us you would have said we were wandering aimlessly throughout the dark void.” He raised the small glass up to his mouth,
Comma splice, though you could lose the "were" to regularise it.
Quote:
his eyes were a glossy white as if reliving the events,
Period, upper case (capital) "W"
Quote:
“worlds shattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us
There must be a punctuation mark here, although the significance of the worlds shattering and dust motes parting in the previous lump escapes me.
Quote:
desiring to be us
punctuate?
Quote:
yet they are no more… Distant stars shone brightly throughout the cosmoses, giving us insight
Comma
Quote:
allowing us to glimpse into the future if you
If you will what?
Quote:
will, and believe me it was beautiful!”

Sitting back in his chair he began organizing his next thoughts into words, rubbing his hands through his thinning hair.

Quotation marks (speech marks, inverted commas)
Quote:
Structure was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the end… Yet happiness, true happiness was a fleeting memory. Design and structure fell to the waist side
I suspect "wayside"
Quote:
. See
Comma
Quote:
happiness is a funny thing, we had never known it
At least a comma here; consider an "and"
Quote:
therefore never missed it
Comma
Quote:
but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memory”
Slowly Celtare got up to his feet, and began pacing the room
Comma
Quote:
glass empty
Period
Quote:
Open and close quotation marks round his incantation.
Quote:
grentel he mumbled again
Punctuate. At least a comma, And I'd see a period; your liquor producing spell is not really part of the sentence he is starting
Quote:
“a painful memory. Some of us left
Comma
Quote:
of course
Comma
Quote:
others descended upon others
Punctuate
Quote:
fighting for supremacy,
Comma splice.
Quote:
darkness was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far from our brothers and sisters.


After countless cycles there was an unexpected eruption of light…

We the Great Ones were alive again. No longer did we drift aimlessly,
Comma splice (replace "we" with "but"?)
Quote:
we grew strong. Those that were weak fell before us crying for mercy but war, I mean true war
Comma
Quote:
could not be avoided. We fed upon each other
I think comma.
Quote:
absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of what they once were. That is until the first form of life was seen on what you call Jupiter,
Comma splice
Quote:
it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the clouds of hydrogen
Unless it was the hydrogen feeding, comma here.
Quote:
feeding on other like creatures.


Life beyond us
Period, capital "T" (not direct speech attribution).
Quote:
” tears flowed down the old man’s face,” was a dream long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of our brothers
Punctuate
Quote:
destroying that precious life,
Comma splice
Quote:
some of us fought for structure circling around the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my home
Comma, don't repeat "home" unless you absolutely need to intensify the emotional attachment; I suspect "breaking it in two" would be quite adequate here.
Quote:
breaking my home into two, along with my essanance.

That is why I stand here old and decreptide, the envy of all others.


Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I
Comma
Quote:
being ripped apart
Comma
Quote:
was to
too
Quote:
weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire formed from us merging. There are many that follow him and his ways causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that oppose him. He moves in the shadows
Comma; is there a reason for "his self" rather than "himself"?
Quote:
fearful to show his self
Comma
Quote:
but his time will come
Comma
Quote:
as it will for all.


As you know I am Celtare,
Comma splice
Quote:
many before you have called me “God” or even “Mother Earth” although the last is the closest
Punctuate; probably period.
Quote:
as you see I am no woman,“ he laughed to himself
Period
Quote:
”ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed.
All right, I'n accustomed to creation myths being somewhat disjointed, but the middle of this one, where they got into cannibalism lost me completely. As you can see you have some work to do on punctuation; be careful with your quotation marks, you have a tendency to link them to the non-quoted bit rather than the dialogue.

Oh, somebody will be along to comment on the style sooner or later; very down to Earth (or whatever this planet is) rather than the more formal version supposedly copied from a sacred book, resonant and rhythmic for generations of oral tradition. No, I'm not saying this is a good or bad thing, merely commenting.
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Old 26th March 2012, 10:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
This is the origins of my myth at least the intro I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy



I'll have a go...


Origins



 

The old man sat down I don't think you need down on the far end of the desk looking deep within how?

Desmond holding his breathyou need a comma before holding. Also, as it's written, it could be either holding their breath.. His eyes shifted colors from blue to brown Again, this could be either. he is looking at Desmond... so I'm a bit confused.

eventually to green before finally exhaling before finally exhaing. "I...

The reason I've done it this way rather then a comma is that exhaling doesn't really seem to be a dialogue tag, more somthing he might do and then speak. Although I don't like that either, he needs to breathe in.... You can see how this will take a reader out of the story? Which is it? ” I believe it is your destiny to

know that which is beyond you… There is a storm and you must know the

players.comma, the sentence doesn't end until he's nodded to himself.” he said nodding to himselfcomma; read this out loud; there is a pause, I think. pleased. With a sigh he opened the

bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out two small glasses andyou have two ands, I would replace the first with a comma placed

them on the desknew sentence. grentelshouldn't this be in speech? he says it out loud. he muttered as the glasses filled

instantly with a yellow liquor.


“Let us begin… There was an existence long before time was a

concept in the minds of the Great Ones. Each had it’s own little world,

playground if you willI'd put a comma here to do as they wished with,and a full stop her. if youcomma? or anyone for that

mattercomma? would have had? seen us you would have said we were wandering

aimlessly throughout the dark void.” He raised the small glass up to his

mouth, his eyes were I'd lost the were for a better flow a glossy white as if reliving the events,full stop; you closed the dialogue with a full stop, to use a comma here means it runs on from that full stop. “worlds

shattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us desiring

to be us yet they are no more… this last sentence changes tenses so often I found it hard to follow. "Worlds shatter before us, as though the particles of dust before us desired to be us. Yet, they are no more. (try reading it out loud, that's how I catch a lot of my tense shifts.Distant stars shone brightly throughout

the cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future if

you will, and believe me it was beautiful!” Sitting back in his chair he

began organizing his next thoughts into words, rubbing his hands through

his thinning hair. nice human characterisation.


Structure was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and

move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the end… Yet

happiness, true happinesscomma was a fleeting memory. Design and structure

fell to the waist sidedidn't know what a waist side was.. Seecomma happiness is a funny thing,something stronger here, semi colon or full stop. we had never known

itcomma? therefore never missed it but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched

the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memoryfull stop.” Slowlycomma Celtare

got up - delete? to his feet, and began pacing the roomcomma glass empty

grentel he mumbled againfull stop and then capital A “a painful memory. Some of us leftfull stop or semi colon of

coursecomma others descended upon others fighting for supremacy, darkness

was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far

from our brothers and sisters.


After countless cycles there was an unexpected eruption of light…

We the Great Ones were alive again. No longer did we drift aimlessly, we

grew strong. Those that were weak fell before us crying for mercy but

war, I mean true warcomma - that's like a little statement or aside of its own. could not be avoided. We fed upon each other comma

absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of

what they once were. That is until the first form of life was seen on what

you call Jupiter,semi colon it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the

clouds of hydrogencomma feeding on other like creatures.


Life beyond uscomma” tears flowed down the old man’s face,” was a dream

long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of

our brothers destroying that precious life,I'd use a full stop. some of us fought for structure

circling around you could lose the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down

upon my home breaking my home it? saves repetition intoin? two, along with my essanance.

That is why I stand here old and decreptidedecrepit?, the envy of all others.


Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I commabeing ripped

apartcomma - again, if you read it out loud, you'll find it's a seperate stanza. was totoo weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the

realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire

formed from usour? merging. There are many that follow him and his ways comma

causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that

oppose him. He moves in the shadowscomma fearful to show his selfcomma but his time

will come as it will for all.


As you know I am Celtare, many before you have called me

“God” or even “Mother Earth”comma, or leave out the although and use a semi colon? although the last is the closest

as you see I am no woman, “he laughed to himself”? I don't understand this. ruler of

the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile

planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as

they are, yet even death can be tamed.
Juelz, it's an interesting premise, but I have to agree that the punctuation makes it really hard to follow. The two bits that stood out is that where you have a seperate stanza within a sentence I have to go back and read it again to make sense as there is nothing to tell me, and some of the sentences ran on without the natural breaks. If you can imagine it read aloud, see where the breaks come, that often helps me - and I'm far from strong with punctuation. As it is, it gets between the reader and an intriguing tale. And I see I crossed with Chrispy; I will now hide at how bad my advice probably is.
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Old 26th March 2012, 10:31 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Hi, juelz. The first thing I did with this was to reformat it. I don't know if you intended it to appear like that on the page, but I found it disjointed to read. That, however, could be me and my eyes.

There were quite a lot of punctuation issues. I may use too many commas, but I thought this could do with a few more. There were also a few problems with the placement of quotation marks. Anyway, I've flagged up those and any other issues that I thought you might need to address. I hope you won't think that I've been too severe. Best of luck with the story.

EDIT: I see in the meantime, two more have got in with their critiques, so if I'm repeating stuff, my apologies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
This is the origins of my myth at least the intro I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy

Origins

The old man sat down on the far end of the desk looking deep within Desmond holding his breath.
Right here you've lost me, I'm afraid. Is the old man looking deep into Desmond or into himself, with Desmond holding his breath waiting for the old man to speak?
Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
His eyes shifted colors from blue to browncomma eventually to green before finally exhalingperiod "I believe it is your destiny to know that which is beyond you… There is a storm and you must know the players.comma” he said nodding to himself pleased. With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out two small glasses and placed them on the deskperiod. grentelcomma he muttered as the glasses filled instantly with a yellow liquor.
If he's muttering, it's speech, so the first letter needs to be capitalised 'Grentel', as it's not a continuation.


Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
“Let us begin… There was an existence long before time was a concept in the minds of the Great Ones. Each had it’s own little world, playground if you willcomma to do as they wished with,period. if Ifyoucomma or anyone for that mattercomma would have seen us you would have said we were wandering aimlessly throughout the dark void.”
Repeat of 'would have'. Perhaps the first one could be 'had'?
Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
He raised the small glass up to his mouth, his eyes were a glossy white as if reliving the events,period.worlds Worldsshattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us desiring to be us yet they are no more…
Repeat of 'before us'. The first one could probably be cut.
Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
Distant stars shone brightly throughout the cosmoses, giving us insightcomma allowing us to glimpse into the future if you will, and believe me it was beautiful!” Sitting back in his chair he began organizing his next thoughts into words, rubbing his hands through his thinning hair.


You've broken the speech with action, so you need to open the next speech with quotation marks.
"Structure was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the end… Yet happiness, true happiness was a fleeting memory. Design and structure fell to the waist side wayside. Seecomma happiness is a funny thing,period. we We had never known itcomma therefore never missed it but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memory” (Possibly a new paragraph here)Slowly Celtare got up to his feet, and began pacing the room glass empty grentelcomma he mumbled again period.a A painful memory. Some of us left of coursecomma others descended upon others fighting for supremacy,period. Darkness was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far from our brothers and sisters.
Repeat of 'others' - others descended upon others


Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
After countless cyclescomma there was an unexpected eruption of light… Wecomma the Great Onescomma were alive again. No longer did we drift aimlessly, we grew strong. Those that were weak fell before uscomma crying for mercycomma but war, I mean true warcomma could not be avoided. We fed upon each othercomma absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of what they once were. That is until the first form of life was seen on what you call Jupiter, it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the clouds of hydrogen feeding on other like creatures.
Another repeat of 'others'.


Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
"Life beyond uscommatears Tears flowed down the old man’s face,”period. "was a dream long forgotten, yet here before uscomma all was life! Greed consumed some of our brothers destroying that precious life,period. Some of us fought for structure circling around the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my homecomma breaking my home into two, along with my essanance?. That is why I stand here old and decreptide decrepit, the envy of all others.
Repeat of 'my home'. Could the second 'my home' be changed to 'it'? The word 'essanance' - do you mean essence?


Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post
Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I being ripped apart was too weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire formed from us merging. There are many that follow him and his wayscomma causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that oppose him. He moves in the shadowscomma fearful to show his self himself but his time will come as it will for all.


"As you know I am Celtare,period. Many before you have called me 'God' or even 'Mother Earth' although the last(?) is the closestcomma as you see I am no woman,period." He laughed to himselfperiod. "Ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed."
You have 'last is closest'. Should that not be 'first is closest', as 'Mother Earth' is last and he is no woman.

I've used
RED for any issues; and
BLUE for my suggestions and questions.
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Old 26th March 2012, 11:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

thanks everyone I will definately take a look at it and post the revised version, once agains thank you
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Old 27th March 2012, 06:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Hi, Juelz. I see you got a lot of good advice for cleaning up the technical issues. And really, you will need to get a handle on that before moving on, but I would like to offer you a slightly different kind of critique (although I will likely have overlaps, in some cases).

A lot of what I'll say is not something you necessarily need to think about when writing your first draft, but they are things you can think about when you revise.

I'm actually not used to this, but I want to give it a shot anyway (for practice). Maybe we can both learn something from the experience?

Anyway, keep in mind that my comments are only suggestions. Look them over, think about them, and then - of course - decide for yourself how you want to proceed.

I'll begin by saying I think you have something very interesting here. I found it a little slow going at first, partly because of the technical issues but also for other reasons I'll explain in a minute. However, it did pick up as it went along and the next to last paragraph had me completely engaged.

Red = things you might want to think about.
Purple = things I like.
Blue = my comments.

Quote:
Originally Posted by juelz4sure View Post

This is the origins of my myth at least the intro I think more will be introduced the farther the story gets along and possible from other Great One's POV but anyways I wanted to get what you guys thought about the origins, whether or not it flows well and if you like it. Hope you enjoy

Origins
<--Okay, it says what you want, but I can't help wanting something more creative. It is better than simply calling it "Prologue." Still, I am just expressing a personal preference.

・@

The old man sat down on the far end of the desk looking deep within Hmm. Can't find it now, but I was sure someone had asked you "How?" This is a good question. Are you speaking metaphorically? You might not be, since this person is "God," but - either way - I'd like something more specific, some details that explain what he's doing. Or if he's just looking the other character over critically (which I do not think he's doing; I think he is "looking deep within"), some description with facial features and body language might help. Something that really shows me what he's doing.

Desmond holding his breath. His eyes shifted colors from blue to brown

eventually to green
Now this is an interesting detail. You might be able to play with the language and the description, but it's still a nice detail. You might not need "eventually," though. I don't think it really hurts, it just doesn't seem to add anything to the image. before finally exhaling" I believe it is your destiny to know that which is beyond you… Hmm. After reading this aloud, I have a different feeling for it. Before that I was thinking you could say it another way. There is a storm and you must know the

players." The way you phrased this definitely isn't having an impact on me. Some of it is personal preference, but I think you could find another way to say it. he said nodding to himself pleased. With a sigh he opened the

bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out two small glasses and placed

them on the desk grentel This word and the fact that he mutters it is an interesting detail. he muttered as the glasses filled

instantly with a yellow liquor.

"Let us begin… Sorry. I'm not a fan of this phrasing, either. You might be trying to have Celtare sound similar to deities in sacred texts; I'm not sure. But I don't think you need to have him talk this way to sound divine. In fact, I know you are creative and imaginative enough to find something more appealing and not so tired. There was an existence long before time was a

concept in the minds of the Great Ones.
What was that existence? Was it the Great Ones themselves, or did they live on some kind of plane that existed outside, separate from them? Each had it’s own little world, There were worlds, but no time?

playground if you will to do as they wished with, if you or anyone for that

matter would have seen us you would have said we were wandering

aimlessly throughout the dark void." Okay, so there’s a void. That’s separate from them. But the fact that they had worlds to play with too is still confusing me a little. And again, the passage feels very wordy and awkward. Why not just say something like, "The Great Ones wandered the void before the beginning of time"? He raised the small glass up to his

mouth, his eyes were a glossy white Another interesting detail as if reliving the events You might not need this, "worlds

shattered before us as though particles of dust parting before us desiring

to be us
yet they are no moreThe repetition of "before us" coupled with "to be us" is really throwing off the rhythm. Distant stars shone brightly throughout

the cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future if

you will, and believe me it was beautiful!" Celtare’s narration is confusing. This is before time, but there are worlds, and the Great Ones shattered them. The worlds desired to be Great Ones. The worlds were self-aware? Lesser gods, maybe, who also wandered the void? The stars and/or the cosmoses gave the Great Ones insight, allowed them to see the future? I don’t know that they really need the stars or cosmoses to do this. In any case, it all seems disorienting to me. I think I can sum up everything said here a little more efficiently like this: "The Great Ones wandered the void before the beginning of time. There were others, too, who desired to be like us, but between us we crushed them and they are no more." Or something to that effect. I think you say that Celtare and Forelith are the only ones that remain (are they? I'm not sure) and it might actually be a good idea to start this monologue by naming them. "The Great Ones you know, my brother Forelith and I, wandered the void before the beginning of time." Sitting back in his chair he

began organizing his next thoughts into words
Okay, here is the first clear indication that this point of view is omniscient. I had suspected it, but here it is obvious. Until now, you’ve given us descriptions of Celtare’s facial expressions, etc. Of course, Celtare is God and should be able to see himself, too. So I guess that even if you wrote it from strictly Celtare’s pov omniscient would be appropriate. I still find it a bit confusing. How do you plan to write the rest of the story? If you will be writing in third person limited, perhaps you can do the prologue in a more detached third person pov – don’t bring us into either character’s head. Just give us some visual cues and try to write them so we can interpret them close enough to your desire (such as being thoughtful or "organizing his next thoughts"). Besides, saying he was "organizing his next thoughts into words" is telly. A description might help to better engage the reader , rubbing his hands through

his thinning hair.
Like this. This is a very nice touch, as you’ve already been told.

Structure was formed
and thus we were happy, able to coexist and

move as we wished. We were the beginning as we shall be the endThis seems out of place here. Yet

happiness, true happiness was a fleeting memory. Design and structure

fell to the waist side. "Falling to the way side" might be a little overused, at least a borderline cliché. See happiness is a funny thing, First I think you want Celtare to sound Biblical, and then you use a phrase like this. Even if you tone down his elocution, as I’m suggesting, I would not use this. Besides, it seems a borderline cliché. we had never known

it therefore never missed it but to lose it was unthinkable. We searched

the fleeting light until it was nothing more but a memory" I just can’t wrap my brain around any of this. It’s too evasive. If you want him to be mysterious, you can still find another way. But my preference would be to give us a very clear and concisely written picture of what happened. First they are happy because "structure was formed," then they were suddenly unhappy. Why? And what is this "structure?" "Order?" "Matter?" You already had "cosmoses"…aren’t these "structure?" Since it is dialog, and you could have some ambiguity in Celtare’s telling, you do not necessarily need to draw a picture. But you could still be more concise and you wouldn’t need so many words to do it. Slowly Celtare

got up to his feet, and began pacing the room glass empty

grentel
he mumbled again "a painful memory But why is it so painful? You really haven’t told us what happened. Celtare said, "design and structure fell by the way side," but that doesn’t tell me anything. If you mean things were falling apart, show us. . Some of us left of

course others descended upon others fighting for supremacy, I don’t understand why they’re fighting. darkness

was all that was left in our existence again, leaving us drifting alone, far

from our brothers and sisters.

After countless cycles Cycles? Cycles of what? there was an unexpected eruption of light

We the Great Ones were alive again.
I’m sorry, but find all of this too vague. No longer did we drift aimlessly, we

grew strong. Those that were weak fell before us crying for mercy but

war, I mean true war could not be avoided. Again, why? We fed upon each other

absorbing everything possible, while others crumbled into small shards of

what they once were. I like this, the fact that these beings absorbed each other. But why was it necessary? That is until the first form of life was seen on what

you call Jupiter, it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the

clouds of hydrogen feeding on other like creatures
. I think an "and" between "hydrogen" and "feeding" might clarify this image, but I really like it. This is exactly the kind of specificity I wanted to see in the rest of the narration that came before. "On other like creatures" is perhaps awkward wording, but the image is very nice.

Life beyond us" tears flowed down the old man’s face As a description, I find this too easy. I do this myself, and it might be all you need. When I edit or revise, though, I try to mark this kind of thing to remind me to come back to it later (if I can’t think of something better then). If I can find a more interesting depiction without agonizing over it, I try to do so. If I can’t, it should serve well enough. ," was a dream

long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of

our brothers destroying that precious life, some of us fought for structure Here is that "structure" again. It does sound like you mean "order" (as opposed to "chaos"). In this sentence I can follow the meaning. However, using this word is still throwing me off.

circling around the light, while others like Forelith came crashing down

upon "Came crashing down" is explicit action and sounds halfway decent to my ears, but still seems almost a cliché. Because I like the way it sounds here, you might be able to let it slide. Otherwise, you might want to mark it for future reference, in case you can come up with a more interesting way to express it. my home breaking my home Again, this kind of repetition disrupts the pacing. into two, along with my essanance. I tried to look this up and I can’t find it. Could be I need a better dictionary. But…did you mean "essence?" If so, you’re saying that Forelith broke Celtare’s "essence?" Interesting concept, but I can’t picture it. Can you be more specific without giving too much detail?

That is why I stand here old and decreptide I’m sure someone else already noted this. Decrepit?, the envy of all others. Why, exactly, do all others envy him?

Forelith was not strong enough to destroy me and I being ripped

apart was to weak to consume him. He is the one that rules over the

realm of the underworld, awoken by hate and consumed by the fire

formed from us merging. There are many that follow him and his ways

causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that

oppose him. He moves in the shadows fearful to show his self but his time

will come as it will for all. This says what you want. Yes, it’s a little wordy, has some awkward phrasing, and I still think you could write it differently, but I understand what you mean and I like it. This is the point where you actually drew me in. What I find so interesting is this "merging" of Celtare and Forelith. I would expect you to keep it ambiguous here, but it leaves me wanting to know more about the merging and its consequences (which you want), so I hope that this is something that would emerge later in the story. Nice!

As you know I am Celtare, many before you have called me

"God" or even "Mother Earth" although the last is the closest

as you see I am no woman, "he laughed to himself" ruler of

the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile

planet is mine. Even the Seven is of my making… reckless as

they are, yet even death can be tamed. The only things here that I find intriguing is how you wove in a pantheistic or panentheistic nature to this world ("God" and "Mother Earth") and "the Seven. The rest is same old, in my eyes, although it could suit your character (if you want your God to be pretentious, which you might). However, I have no idea what "the Seven" is. I want to, now that you’ve brought them up, but there’s no precedence for it here. You could either give us a specific reference, or save it for later - especially if the recipient of this lecture already knows this information.
Overall, I think I’m saying you could simplify your language to make it more concise, and provide some more details to fill in all those blanks and clear up all the vague, confusing exposition in Celtare’s address. More details can help, but this is a spoken monolog so you don’t have to be too descriptive…enough to keep your readers involved. Just be clear.

I would also advise against writing in omniscient at this stage. It is a very difficult pov in which to write anyway. You might want to try third person limited. And then you can write the prologue (I think you can, anyway) the way I suggested above, or you can write it from the other character's pov (because he or she is looking at Celtare). [Then again, perhaps you could find a way to have only the monolog...no narration? If you do, though, description in the lecture would become even more necessary to keep it engaging. I'm not sure how advisable this suggestion is, but it might be all right for a prologue.]

There you have it. I hope I did all right, and I hope you find something helpful here.

I think you have great ideas and are well on your way to a very cool story. I’d love to see where you end up with this. Good luck!

Last edited by Michael01; 27th March 2012 at 07:12 AM.
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Old 27th March 2012, 01:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Thanks michael I will definately take into consideration what you said and taking a slow look at the myth I see a lot of things that need to be re-worked. at this point I want the myth to be told from three different perspectives. The origins is being told from Celtare, while the False Prophet which has already been revealed to Desmond by another spirit in the Fae and another more menecing part be revealed to Toby and Le'on by Forelith, but that is still a ways a way. When this oart is finnished I will definately re-post it to get your oppinion of the revosed version
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Old 27th March 2012, 04:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Okay. I'll be looking forward to it!
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Old 27th March 2012, 05:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

It would be good, when you're ready to see characters interacting and story telling. I'm not a big fan of intro's and perfer getting straight down to the characters. This is a choice for you and there are threads on here discussing which is best - (no intro!!!).

Your introduction gave a lot away on what I'm assuming is one of your main characters. To have gone from an Old Man to God like near the end was a big jump and showing a lot of the character. Keeping back how powerful a character is, would add more suspence and leave something for later. Your pace was not too bad. I can see what you were trying to do and the idea was good.

There is little more I can add that other members have not already done.

Take the red ink on board, you can improve and will - I'm still getting lots myself! Its very clear you have a good imagination so I know your a storyteller - the rest you can learn.
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Old 27th March 2012, 05:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bowler1 View Post
... Its very clear you have a good imagination so I know your a storyteller - the rest you can learn.
Yes. Absolutely. Far better be a creative, inspired storyteller who can acquire writing skills, than the reverse?
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Old 27th March 2012, 06:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

The title of the thread is a bit misleading... the post is about 1/3 into the book, but it the origin of the "Great Ones," and essentially what role they will play throughout the chronicles. The main protagonist and antagonists will align themselves with a Great One. The story being told is the story of the two great ones that are affecting this world now, but others will begin to make themselves known eventually. I am also thinking of having different parts of the of the mythology told from other Great Ones POV It's definitely a work in process though thanks for all the comments thus far, still working on the revised version and adding somethings hopefully I will be done in a little while. Thanks again
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Old 27th March 2012, 06:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

The title of the thread is a bit misleading... the post is about 1/3 into the book, but it's the origin of the "Great Ones," and essentially what role they will play throughout the chronicles. The main protagonist and antagonists will align themselves with a Great One.

Paragraph here ...

The story being told is the story of the two great ones that are affecting this world now, but others will begin to make themselves known eventually. I am also thinking of having different parts of the of the mythology told from other Great Ones POV It's definitely a work in process though(.) Thanks for all the comments thus far, still working on the revised version and adding (some)things(.) Hopefully I will be done in a little while. Thanks again

See? You're getting it quick?
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Old 27th March 2012, 08:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

Hope you like it


***revised***


The old man sat at the far end of the desk looking deep into Desmond, chills ran up Desmond’s spine as Celtare held his breath with anticipation. Slowly, his eyes shifted from blue to brown then to a bright green before he exhaled. “I believe it is your destiny to know that which is even beyond you,” he said as beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face. “A storm is coming… That much I am sure of,” he said nodding to himself, pleased. With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out a small glass, placed it on the desk before him. “Grentel” he muttered to himself as the glass filled with a yellow liquor.

“In the beginning there were the Great Ones… countless beings, so much that even the stars in the night sky do not come close. We existed in a realm beyond your understanding, there was a war which took place over a thousand years. In the end we destroyed our realm and everything that was important to us, forcing us to wandered space in search for a new home to call their own.” He raised the small glass to his mouth, his eyes a glossy white as if reliving the events. “Some found small worlds while other found small meteorites to call home. Smaller worlds shattered before some of us like particles of dust which we devoured so that we could grow stronger and larger. Eventually a distant star shone bright through the many cosmoses, giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future, and believe me it was beautiful! Life… It was just beyond our reach but it was there,” thoughtfully he leaned back in his chair running his hands through his thinning hair.

“Order was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. For once there was peace between the Great Ones, even the smaller worlds were excepted as equals. Eventually the star began to fade and with it our order crumbled. The dream of life also faded with the light” slowly Celtare got to his feet and begun to pace the room, empty glass in his hand “Grentel” he mumbled again. “Before, we had never known happiness therefore we never missed it, but to lose it was unthinkable. Leaving us in darkness, Some of course wandered off with faint hope of discovering the origins of the light. Many reverted back to the old ways of destruction, explosions erupted throughout the darkness as worlds were destroyed.

After countless worlds fell before us there was a emptiness within us. Slowly we moved farther from each other shrinking deeper and deeper into ourselves, many of us fell into a deep slumber while others lost what was left of their mind, when an unexpected eruption of light exploded violently… We the Great Ones were alive again. Lost dreams flooded into our thoughts and we no longer drifted aimlessly, we grew stronger. Eventually we began to turn on each other fighting to be close to the blinding light in the forming galaxy. Those that were weak fell before us pleading for mercy but war, I mean true war could not be avoided. We fed upon each other absorbing every element they possessed, while others crumbled into shards of what they once were. War continued for thousands of revolutions around the Bright One, which you call the Sun. That is until the first form of life in our galaxy was found on Jupiter; It was no larger than a speck of sand moving along he clouds of Hydrogen, feeding upon Helium gases floating throughout the atmosphere.

Life amongst us, “Celtare took a deep swallow of the yellow liquor, there was a subtle sadness in his eyes when he looked up at Desmond again “was a dream long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of my brothers and sisters destroying that precious life. Some of us fought for order, while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my home breaking it into two ripping my essence… my very soul, that’s why I stand here old and decrepit.

When my home was struck and my essence was ripped into three; leaving us with the Celtare, Lunastra and Iriata. Lunastra currently resides upon the moon which is why the moon has such influence on the workings of this planet. Iriata is bound to the lost world, long exiled to the outer reaches of the galaxy but it will return one day because we are bound to each other, bringing nothing but vengeance.

When Forelith fell upon this world he wasn’t strong enough to destroy me and I being ripped apart, I was too weak to consume him. We have been fighting for millenniums for complete control over this world. For the time, Forelith rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hatred and consumed by fire formed from our merging. There are many that follow him and his ways causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from those that would oppose him. He moves in the shadows, fearful to show himself but his time will come, as it will for all!

As you know I am Celtare. Many before you have called me “God” or even “Mother Earth”; Mother Earth is the closest but as you can see I am no woman,” he said smiling in spite of himself. “Ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the seven is of my making… Reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed.” Celtare sat the glass down on the desk in front of me and pulled his seat beside me.

Last edited by The Judge; 27th March 2012 at 09:04 PM.
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Old 27th March 2012, 08:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Re: Mythological origins (702 words)

The old man sat at the far end of the desk looking deep into Desmond, chills ran up Desmond’s spine as Celtare held his breath with anticipation. Slowly, his (whose?) eyes shifted from blue to brown then to a bright green before he exhaled.

“I believe it is your destiny to know that which is even (this word makes it seem the other person is extremely powerful already and the other person knows it, but I'm still not sure who's speaking) beyond you,” he said as beads of sweat rolled down the side of his face. “A storm is coming… That much I am sure of,” he said nodding to himself, pleased.

With a sigh he opened the bottom drawer of the desk and pulled out a small glass, placed it on the desk before him.

“Grentel,” he muttered to himself as the glass filled with a yellow liquor,in the beginning there were the Great Ones… countless beings, so much (many) that even the stars in the night sky do not come close (to them in number - otherwise, stars never come close to anyone, cos of the distances involved). We existed in a realm beyond your understanding, there was a war which took place over a thousand years. In the end we destroyed our realm and everything that was important to us, forcing us to wandered space in search for a new home to call their (our - you've been saying "we" so far) own.”

He raised the small glass to his mouth, his eyes a glossy white as if reliving the events.

“Some (of us) found small worlds while others found small meteorites (meteors - meteorites have entered Earth's atmosphere) to call home. Smaller worlds shattered before some of us like particles of dust which we devoured so that we could grow stronger and larger. Eventually a distant star shone bright through the many cosmoses (the vast cosmos - "cosmos" is only a singular noun and has no plural), giving us insight allowing us to glimpse into the future, and believe me it was beautiful! Life… It was just beyond our reach but it was there.

Thoughtfully, he leaned back in his chair running his hands through his thinning hair.

“Order was formed and thus we were happy, able to coexist and move as we wished. For once there was peace between the Great Ones, even the smaller worlds were excepted (accepted) as equals. Eventually the star began to fade and with it, our order crumbled. The dream of life also faded with the light”

Slowly Celtare (ah! now I know who's talking ) got to his feet and began to pace the room, empty glass in his hand.

“Grentel,” he mumbled again,before, we had never known happiness therefore we never missed it, but to lose it was unthinkable. Leaving us in darkness, some of course wandered off with faint hope of discovering the origins of the light. Many reverted back to the old ways of destruction, explosions erupted throughout the darkness as worlds were destroyed. After countless worlds fell before us there was a emptiness within us. Slowly we moved farther from each other shrinking deeper and deeper into ourselves, many of us fell into a deep slumber while others lost what was left of their minds, when an unexpected eruption of light exploded violently… We the Great Ones were alive again. Lost dreams flooded into our thoughts and we no longer drifted aimlessly, we grew stronger. Eventually we began to turn on each other, fighting to be close to the blinding light in the forming galaxy. Those that were weak fell before us pleading for mercy but war, I mean true war could, not be avoided. We fed upon each other absorbing every element they possessed, while others crumbled into shards of what they once were. War continued for thousands of revolutions around the Bright One, which you call the Sun. That is until the first form of life in our galaxy was found on Jupiter; it was no larger than a speck of sand moving along the clouds of Hydrogen, feeding upon Helium gases floating throughout the atmosphere. Life amongst us,“ Celtare took a deep swallow of the yellow liquor, there was a subtle sadness in his eyes when he looked up at Desmond again, “was a dream long forgotten, yet here before us all was life! Greed consumed some of my brothers and sisters, destroying that precious life. Some of us fought for order (no comma needed here) while others like Forelith came crashing down upon my home breaking it into two, (one here, though ) ripping my essence… my very soul. That’s why I stand here, old and decrepit. (don't close the quotes here, but begin with new open quotes for the new paragraph: )

"When (is "when" the word you mean, or "then"?) my home was struck and my essence was ripped into three, (comma, not semi-colon) leaving us with the Celtare, Lunastra and Iriata. Lunastra currently resides upon the moon which is why the moon has such influence on the workings of this planet. Iriata is bound to the lost world, long exiled to the outer reaches of the galaxy but it will return one day because we are bound to each other, bringing nothing but vengeance. (These two phrases I've italicised are more strongly connected than the two you mean, so it would be better to put an end to one sentence and begin the next with something like ...but it will return one day because we are bound to each other. It will bring with it nothing but vengeance.)

"When Forelith fell upon this world he wasn’t strong enough to destroy me and I, being ripped apart, I was too weak to consume him. We have been fighting for millenniums (or "millennia") for complete control over this world. For the time being, Forelith rules over the realm of the underworld, awoken by hatred and consumed by fire formed from our merging. There are many that follow him and his ways causing havoc upon my lands, extinguishing the life from of those that who would oppose him. He moves in the shadows, fearful to show himself but his time will come, as it will for all!

"As you know, I am Celtare. Many before you have called me “God” or even “Mother Earth”; Mother Earth is the closest but as you can see I am no woman,” he said smiling in spite of himself. “Ruler of the land and sky above, all that creates life on this fragile planet is mine. Even the seven is of my making… Reckless as they are, yet even death can be tamed.”

Celtare sat the glass down on the desk in front of me and pulled his seat beside me. (and where did "me" suddenly spring from? )


Much, much, much better, though.

Now, why couldn't you have done that to begin with?
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