Writing Workshop Group - TOEGTW Exercises: Please Read First Post

[Abernovo]

Sorry this has taken so long to get posted. This week has been a bit of a struggle to get anything done that I wanted to.

Ch14 a)
Topic sentence: Primitive peoples...

Examples:
For example, they believe...
The Greeks came to...

The first example is explicitly introduced, the second is not. However, neither is really effective. Instead, the examples go off on their own tangent, rather than supporting the original topic. This leaves the paragraph muddled, at least for me, and without a clean delivery.


b) Restatement Paragraph

Planetary exploration is a new endeavour for the human race. Such exploration is presently restricted to highly trained specialists. Exploring exo-planets can be dangerous, with the explorers at risk from the planet's fauna, flora or even its environment. These alien planets can be very different to Earth, meaning that any exploration must be planned very carefully. However, this is no deterrent to the modern explorer, who is a trained professional, having studied his or her craft from at least university level. They give full credit to the explorers of the past, without whom they would not be here: Magellan, de Gama, Gargarin, Armstrong, Yang. But this is a new breed, taught the science of exploration for today's cosmos.

I suspect this might come across a bit like a recruitment advert. If it does, apologies. I've been writing my pitch for a project, so I'm in that mind set. I'm writing up Ch15, but bearing in mind the time, I might just keep that for myself, as I don't want to hold up the progress of the group. I presume we move on to 16&17 next week.

[Vertigo]

Sorry for the late delivery but as explained elsewhere I have been away. I have also skipped some of the exercises (just too many of them this week). So I apologise if these come across as a bit rushed... because they were!

Ch14 a
Topic sentence - Primitive peoples… - a bit loose and rambling. Talking about ‘this belief’ before saying what ‘this belief’ is was a little confusing. Though that is probably because it is taken out of context.
Examples introduced by: For example; In ‘Ali Baba…; Such as; The Greeks came to.

The examples came across to me as a little confused largely because they are examples of different things. So ‘for example’ introduces an example of the relationship between word and thing, then ‘in “Ali Baba…”’ introduces an example of naming and power. ‘Such as’ introduces an example of the euphemisms as does ‘The Greeks came to…’ So maybe the problem is just too many examples of different things ends up obscuring what the paragraph was about.

Ch14 b
The dart gun has the potential to be an effective weapon for use in spaceships. The dart is light; reducing the recoil effects in free fall. It stops people through toxin rather than damage; eliminating the risk of compromising the superstructure. Powered by compressed gas, it is silent; removing the confusion caused by the noise of gun shots in enclosed spaces. Being non-metallic, they could be made small and lightweight; reducing the inconvenience of bulky weapons in a potentially cramped environment. As an added bonus the toxin could be made either lethal or just a temporary sedative; providing a flexible multipurpose weapon.


Ch15
(a)
Rock climbing and scuba diving differ in a number of important ways. Rock climbing is performed (one hopes) on dry land; climbers tend to run for safety at the first sign of actual water! Only one member of the team actively climbs at any time, whilst the other is responsible for belaying and protecting him with the rope. The climbers’ progress is slow and methodical with the second climber closely following the route and moves of the leader.

Scuba diving, on the other hand, is performed underwater; there really wouldn’t be much point without the water! Both members of the team actively swim at the same time and must monitor each other’s safety continuously. The divers’ progress is relatively fast and unfettered and each is free to choose their own course.

(b)
Rock climbing and scuba diving differ in a number of important ways. Scuba diving is performed underwater, something the rock climber assiduously avoids. Divers pair up as buddies monitoring each other’s safety at all times, whereas in rock climbing only one will climb at any given time, whilst their partner watches and protects with the rope. Each diver can swim freely, choosing their own particular course. The lead climber, on the other hand, must make slow, methodical progress and their partner must eventually follow their route closely.

(c)
Yet despite these differences rock climbing and scuba diving are alike in a number of ways. In rock climbing the climber must trust their partner absolutely, just as the scuba diver must trust their “buddy” to monitor their behaviour and equipment. Communication in mountain environments can be difficult requiring codes of rope tugs; communication underwater is even more problematic requiring codes of hand signals. In both cases, these two sports are unusual in that the participants must trust their partners sufficiently to place their lives in their hands and it is not uncommon to have that trust proven.

[Glen]

16 A)
Intro (effect) – tough business
Cause - cost
Cause - competition
Effect - businesses struggling/failing

16 B)
Hiking, or bushwalking as it is more properly known, provides the benefit of sometimes strenuous physical exercise. It offers the opportunity to be outdoors and by its nature tends to encourage the walker to travel to new places. Because hiking can be done alone, it is accessible to a Billy-no-mates.

The physical nature of bushwalking provides improved cardio-vascular fitness, strength and stamina. It is outdoors and allows the walker to be rejuvenated by the wonders of nature, and to enjoy the experience of travelling to new places. It offers those who are socially challenged to do something physical.

[Moonbat]

I have missed chapter 15 (I was busy last week) so, to ensur eI don't slow things down, here is chapter 16 (17 to follow if I have time)


Chapter 16

set up – cruel decade for magazinebusiness

cause – rising costs, (production,postal, paper)

effect – difficulty turning profit

cause – competition with television

effect – mass circulation giantsfailed.



The enormous Increase in the cost ofhousing

Reasons

The enormous increase in housing costfrom one generation to the next has put pressure on both parents andchildren alike. Inflation has risen at a steady rate since the1960's. This means that the cost of labour has increased alongsidethe cost of building materials. On top if this the housing marketitself has inflated beyond the general economy causing severalhousing bubbles that, though they may burst, never fully deflate.

Effects

Uneven inflation between the generaleconomy and the housing market means many first time buyers must saveconsiderably more than the preceding generation before getting ontothe housing ladder. Subsequently children are forced to remain livingunder their parent's roof for longer. This in turn delays coupleswith mature children are from downsizing, holding on to family sizedhouses for longer than may have previously been necessary. Whichleads to less homes on the market for the first time buyers, althoughthe high demand means these are priced extortionately.

[Glen]

Ch 17 A)
There are four kinds of hammers a workman may use around the home. At the smaller end of the range there are lightweight pin hammers, used as the name suggests for knocking in small pins or nails, usually into wood. Next in size is the claw-hammer for knocking in larger nails, and, with the ‘claw’, pulling nails out. Larger still is the heavy duty lump hammer, useful for driving bolsters, or breaking small lumps of masonry. Largest of all domestic hammers, the sledge: with its long handle and heavy head this will break concrete. Generally speaking, if a piece of technology does not work, you should try hitting it with increasingly large hammers until it works.

Ch 17 B)
Sorry, I couldn't face this one.


Ch 17 C)
Maugham – “to my mind” – yes, effective, as clearly stating this is an opinion.
Lucas – “That is not always so” – no, not effective, seems argumentative, and the conclusion on radiant health is not logically related to the argument about not being hungry.

Ch 17 D a)
Baseball is the great American game, but its supremacy is being challenged by other sports.
While its supremacy is being challenged by other sports, baseball remains the great American game.

nor could I face doing Ch 17 D b or c - I felt it would just be more of the same. No, hold on, I did do them, but the dog (Ted) ate them.

[Vertigo]

I’m afraid I did a bit of selective picking and choosing on these exercises, I have just not had much time the last couple of weeks.

Ch16b
Reasons
Hill-walking is a popular activity that can be enjoyed as a group or alone. My preference is for solitary walking. Whilst walking with friends can be both rewarding and fun their presence can be a distraction. Walking alone permits uninterrupted contemplation of your surroundings. The absence of chatter allows a fuller appreciation of those surroundings or the peace to commune with your own thoughts. Solitary walking is my way of meditating.

Effects
Walking is a rhythmic activity. If performed without the interruption of fellow walkers, it can have the same effect as the chanting of monks or the Tibetan ‘Om’. The mind is shifted into a meditative state by the repetitive nature of the activity. Consequently, at the end of the walk the body may be physically tired but the mind will be refreshed.


Ch17c
Maughan – I’m not sure if this “To my mind” which qualifies it as an opinion or “I am not so stupid…” which qualifies that he is not saying the bible has bad prose.
Lucas – “That is not always so”. This qualification is, to my mind , unimportant and serves only to distract.

Ch17d b
The Romans are generally regarded as culturally inferior to the Greeks, despite their creation of a great and long-lasting empire.

Regardless of their creation of a great a long lasting empire, the Romans are generally regarded as culturally inferior to the Greeks.

[Moonbat]

As you will see below, I got a little bit silly with some of the exercises, and after I had completed the first one I looked up screwdrivers online and realised I missed loads of stuff, so that's why I went a bit silly with the other, I think it would have taken me ages to truly asses the different type of salesman etc.

Chapter 17


17ai)
There are, on the surface, only two types of screwdriver; cross-head and flat-head. Though these two type dominate the screw driver market and are easily distinguishable by the fact that one has a cross head, that is to say that there are four arms emanating from a central point, and the other has a flathead, that is to say that there is only a simple flat line, there are other more specialised screw drivers designed for specialised screws. These can range from a square holes to hexagon or octagon holes(these are most often related to Allen keys), but also star shaped ones or a varying number of points. These are not to be mistaken with the scrim, a short singular pointed device used for scoring lines and other jobs.

17aii)
There are three main types of Auto-mobile salesmen and they can be easily distinguished by their facial hair. The first and most noble type is the clean shaven, his face is as smooth as his sales patter and his lack of stubble is equivalent to his lack of low morals. This type of salesman will always give you the best deal and will, at times, turn you away if he feels there is nothing in his range that would truly suit you. The second and most unscrupulous salesman is the moustached salesman. His dedication to an upper lip monstrosity is akin to his desire to fleece you of your money and sell you the car that is most profitable for him whilst also being of as little use to you as possible. It is no co-incidence that Hitler wore a moustache. The third and hardest to define salesman is the fully bearded one, his testament to the freedom of growth upon his face is a sign that he isn't interested in either his appearance or his job. He will sell you a car and, if youare lucky, it will be the right one for you, but he is just as likely to sell you an old banger. Whether he loses any sleep over the bad deals is not my concern, only that he should be approached with caution.

17b)
Blinking is a natural action for human beings, although it seems like something that is innate it can be learned and therefore improved upon. Blinking can be divided into three separate phases. The first phase, the initialisation of the blink is achieved by closing your eyes. The eyelid is pulled down to completely cover the eye, this process will perform the important aspect of blinking which is to protect and refresh the eye. The specific muscles used are actually within the eyelid itself and can be trained to work in an instant. The second phase is the briefest (in a true blink) where the eye is closed, yet relaxed, a blink should never become a squint. After the eye has been closed (and relaxed) for a fraction of a second the third phase can be implemented which consists of opening the eye. Similar to the first phase the opening of the eye is achieved through the eyelid muscles and can be trained to happen very quickly with minimal conscious effort. When the third phase is complete the blink has been successful, often further blinks are required depending on the situation. Do not confuse the blink with a double wink, they are related but not the same.

17c)

Qualifications

1. To my mind
2. But
3. Yet

17d)
Baseball is the great American game but its supremacy is being challenged by other sports.

Although it retains its supremacy as the great American game other sports are presently challenging Baseball for this honour


Although the Romans are considered culturally inferior to the Greeks they created a great and long lasting empire.

The great and long lasting empire created by the Romans is, paradoxically, considered culturally inferior to that of the Greeks


Exercise is necessary to health, but too much exercise, or the wrong kind, can hurt you.

Too much exercise, or the wrong kind, can hurt you even though exercise is necessary to health.

[Abernovo]

I'm just posting Chapter 16's exercises for now. Perhaps a bit more rushed than I would have liked. I'll try and finish Ch 17 this evening.

16a)
Initial Cause: Higher costs for magazines
|
2nd Cause: Competition from television
|
Effect: Lower profits
|
Ultimate Effect: Magazines struggling and failing

16b) & c)
I enjoy cycling. It gives me freedom and has done since before I was old enough to hold a driver's licence. That freedom has always been twofold: the freedom of travelling to locations I would otherwise be unable to reach; and the freedom from people around me, awful as that may sound. It also provides a rhythm that helps me to order my thoughts.

Cycling also has health benefits. It helps in improving my fitness. It was also recommended by a doctor for my knees. The health benefits are not only physical though, for there is a feeling of well-being after an enjoyable bike ride. Ultimately, though, I cycle for pleasure rather than simply for health reasons, which are simply a happy consequence from travelling cheaply around the local countryside.

[Abernovo]

For Ch 17, I've only done one example from the first exercise, mainly to keep the length down. No surprise to anyone who knows me at all, I chose the detective fiction option - that being my other great love in fiction other than SFF.

17a)
Although modern detective fiction has many subgenres, it can arguably be divided into three broad categories. The private eye story has at its core an investigator for hire. This is the basis for many of the classic American detective novels and films, including those in the hardboiled and noir subgenres. The police procedural, on the other hand, centres on the workings of the authorities charged with catching criminals. This category has many offshoots, examining differences between local and national (and indeed international) police forces, as well as the different roles of uniformed and plain clothes officers. One of these offshoots that has become more popular recently is the forensic investigation procedural. Finally, the amateur detective story has a central character who is neither hired nor paid by the state but investigates due to interest, necessity or a request for help. This category produced many of the classic 'whodunit' novels and illustrious characters such as Miss Marple and Father Brown. There are, of course many subgenres that cross between these categories, but to go into detail for each of them would require a thesis rather than a simple post.

17b) I gave this one a miss. Sorry.

17c) Qualifications:
i. I am not so …
Those hyperboles...

They work, up to a point, but in many ways undermine the argument, as they make him sound nervous for expressing a potentially controversial opinion. For me, they read like he's backtracking.

17d)
A. Baseball is the great American game, although it is being challenged by other sports.
Although it is being challenged by other sports, baseball is the great American game

B. The Romans are regarded as culturally inferior to the Greeks, even though they created a great and long-lasting empire
Despite creating a great and long-lasting empire, the Romans are regarded culturally inferior to the Greeks

C. Exercise is necessary to health, although too much exercise, or the wrong kind, can hurt you.
While the wrong kind, or too much, exercise can hurt you, exercise is necessary to health.

[Vertigo]

Here are my chapter 19 exercises (I have skipped a couple).

19a
Segregating Sentences
The room was filled with people and the noise of their conversation. An alcoholic haze from dozens of different drinks filled the air. A music system gamely competed for attention in the far corner. Individuals jostling for position sent ripples through the crowd. A kaleidoscope of party clothes painted a bewildering canvas of flowing colour. Through the open door the party spilled out into the cool, dark garden.

(I ran out of steam before reaching 100 words!)

19b
Segregating Sentences
I generally arise late. Breakfast is a leisurely affair. Routine tasks such as reading and responding to mail comprise the bulk of the morning’s work. A light lunch provides welcome respite. In the afternoon major tasks are progressed with focussed attention. The day ends late with a main meal and time for reading and relaxing.

Freight-train Sentences
I generally arise late and take a leisurely breakfast before tackling the morning’s work of routine tasks such as the reading and responding to mail. A light lunch provides welcome respite, and major tasks are progressed with focussed attention in the afternoon, and the day is ended by a late main meal followed by time for reading and relaxing.

Cumulative Sentence
My day generally starts late; a leisurely breakfast, the morning’s work of routine tasks such as the reading and responding to mail, a light lunch providing welcome respite, the afternoon giving focused attention to progressing major tasks, a late main meal followed by time for reading and relaxing bringing the day to a close.

(I found it quite difficult to use the cumulative approach to handle a sequence of events in time.)

19c I’ve only done two of these.
Parallelism
To labour over the minutiae of pennies, to horde every receipt for monies spent, to deny any frivolous expenditure, are, depending on your point of view, either the joys or the nightmares of running the finances of a company.

Muddling the tenses of verbs, using punctuation inappropriately, inserting words serving no purpose, are just some of the ways I can convert a good idea in a poor piece of prose.

(Interestingly MS Word did not like the comma after purpose yet didn’t mind the one after expenditure in the previous sentence. Maybe it should be used with infinitive subjects but not gerund subjects?)

19d
Balance
__/__
__/__ __ (twice)
__/__
__ __/__ __
__/__ __ (not sure about that one)
__/__
__ __ __/__ __
__/__
__/__

19e
Balance
I have taken three sentences from my last 300 word challenges piece, some changed a little to try and achieve balance. The first one is possibly parallelism rather than balance though I think it does both:

The figure looked up, gave a very un-godlike wave, spoke some incoherent words, bent back to his book and… vanished.

A timid hand appeared above a console, its owner’s worried face peering around the side.

The main screen came to life, showing him alone in the crypt.


19f
Fragments
1.
In the morning when the sun came up. The party broke camp.
In the morning the sun came up. The party broke camp. (yuck!)
In the morning, when the sun came up, the party broke camp.

2.
Most people are honest. Making an effort, for example, to find the owner of a wallet they picked up on the street. (Interestingly word didn’t spot this one as a fragment)
Most people are honest. They will make an effort, for example, to find the owner of a wallet they picked up on the street.
Most people are honest and will make an effort, for example, to find the owner of a wallet they picked up on the street.

3.
That girl is very nice. The one you introduced me to.
That girl is very nice. The girl whom you introduced me to. (Is whom correct there or should it be who?)
That girl, whom you introduced me to, is very nice.

4.
School is not so difficult. If you don’t let your work pile up.
I can’t see how to make that fragment a standalone sentence.
If you don’t let your work pile up, school is not so difficult.

5.
Not everyone likes football. My brother for instance.
Not everyone likes football. My brother, for instance, does not.
Not everyone likes football; my brother for instance.

That’s all I had time for!

[Glen]

Ch 19 Sentence Styles

Segrated Style. These are short sentences. Each contains an idea. They are good for description.
The Freight-Train Style, connects independent clauses, without imposing a logical structure, good for description, can lack an emphatic ending.
Triadic structure has three parts, can be used with freight-train style, providing a clearer structural principal.
The cumulative sentence has an independent clause followed by a number of subordinate clauses, good for description or sequence of events, has problem of lacking emphatic ending, allows accumulation of details.
The Parallel Style sentence carries items (subjects, modifiers, nouns etc) of equal weight, they must be in same grammatical form, and this is not really a very good example :0)
The Balanced Sentence has two parts, divided by a pause.
Subordinating Style focusses on one idea arranging points of lesser importance around it, there are four basic variations.
The fragment is not a true sentence and my be grammtically incorrect. Use sparingly.

[Glen]

Ch 20 Well written Sentence - concision
Don't waste main points of sentence with deadwood
Avoid prevarication and be bold with your statements
Use simplest form of modifiers - this is saying write simply - don't beat about the bush.
Don't repeat in your writing what the sentence structure already makes clear.
Use omissions, and parallel sentences to reduce repetition.

The choice is yours - sometimes concision isn't the right thing for the piece. There's an example about a quilting gathering, and the wordier version seemed more apt to me - it reflected what the chatter might be like at the gathering.

I've used this a lot today - at work. That's business writing, and I thought I was pretty good at cutting out weasel words and padding, but I think O levelled up today after reading this chapter.