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Old 6th March 2012, 07:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Hello people.

I've had to put the intro on a different message to the crit or else I'll go over the word count

Don't worry, a lot of the words are un-crittable and just necessary for the format (like the on screen text, and the scene headings etc) and it is a lot faster to both read and crit than prose. Basically, you DON'T have to crit the direction at all, just let me know if you can follow what is happening, and just focus on the dialogue.

As for what it is, the below piece is the first few 'proper' scenes of the pilot that precedes the first full series of the Sisterhood. There was a pre-title scene, just showing the two main male characters being adopted as newborns, but there is very little meaningful dialogue in that for you to pull at.

I do have two major questions about what is here though:

1) Do you get the alternate history setting through the events, or does it seem like hokum?

2) It's not too much of an info-dump is it?

Thanks in advance for any help you can give, all crits are welcome, ESPECIALLY from non-scriptwriters and fantasy writers who aren't ingrained with the usual format/genre preconceptions.


Jammill
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Old 6th March 2012, 07:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

INT. DAVID & NICHOLAS' BEDROOM. MANCHESTER - NIGHT


ON SCREEN TEXT
March 13, 1987
Manchester, England

The room containing two single beds and a desk is lit by a single lamp.

We see DAVID WISE, sat up in bed smoking a joint, now approaching fourteen years old.

David is watching NICHOLAS WISE, who is lay awake in his own bed.

While David looks a little older than he is, and is tall and heavily built, Nicholas is just an average thirteen year old.

NICHOLAS
She's gonna be here soon David.
(BEAT)
I can feel it.

David takes another drag of his joint, not looking impressed.

DAVID
Guess it had to happen one day.
(BEAT)
Do you ever think you got it the
wrong way round when we chose mum
over him?

Nicholas smiles.

NICHOLAS
Not once.
(BEAT)
Do you?

David shrugs.

DAVID
I didn't get a vote Nicky. I just
let you do your thing and watch
your back, same as always.

NICHOLAS
Don't say it like that. You know
I'll always listen to what you've
got to say, you know I'll always
take your advice.

DAVID
Yeah. But I know it won't change
your mind if you've already decided.

David finishes his joint and puts it out.

Besides, I didn't like either of
them, so I couldnítíve give less of
a **** which one you chose.
(BEAT)
I'm only doing this for you bruv.

As the brother's make eye contact it is obvious how subservient David is.

It is also obvious how grateful Nicholas is for his loyalty.

David slowly rolls his head back, until he is looking at the ceiling.

DAVID
I think he was right when he said
not to trust her though, so you be
careful when mum sends whoever it is
she's sending.
(BEAT)
Especially if this herald is gonna
talk to her when we can't do that
any more.

David makes eye contact with Nicholas again

NICHOLAS
You don't trust her yourself do you?

DAVID
No, but you do.
(BEAT)
I'm glad I can't hear the bitch.
And when I get stoned now it's cos
its fun, and not just to keep her
voice out of my head no more.

Nicholas sits up in his bed.


NICHOLAS
Then how can you do this, especially
when you know what we're gonna have
to do? What's gonna happen when she
gets here?

David is upset thinking about that.

DAVID
Because I trust you more than I
hate her.
(BEAT)
And I know you wouldn't let them die
if they didn't need to. I know you
love them as much as I still do.

David turns his back on Nicholas to face the wall.

David is hiding that fact he is starting to cry.

Nicholas turns the lamp off and settles down to sleep.


INT. SOCIAL SERVICES OFFICE. MANCHESTER - MORNING


We see a young blonde woman sneaking into the office, the clock on the wall showing it is only 7:15.

She heads straight to a locked filing cabinet, using a LOCK-PICK to open it, the camera not showing her face yet.

Hurriedly and nervously, the woman searches through the files, before removing two.

We see from the names on the folders that they are the records for David and Nicholas Barnhart, and their adoption.

The young woman closes the cabinet and rushes out of the office.


INT. CORRIDOR. SOCIAL SERVICES - MANCHESTER


The young woman closes the door, a CLEANING CART left unattended outside the office door.

As the woman hides the files away on her cart we see her face for the first time.

It is CHRISTINE WISE (now 19), and she pushes the cart away from the office door to continue her cleaning.



EXT. MILITARY CHECKPOINT. DUBLIN - MORNING


ON SCREEN TEXT
Dublin, Ireland

We see a DECREPIT CAR as it slowly approaches a MILITARY CHECKPOINT.

From the uniforms of the EIGHT HEAVILY ARMED SOLDIERS, and the UNION JACK flying above the checkpoint, it is obviously BRITISH.

The SERGEANT waves the car we are focusing on over for a thorough inspection.

The car is being driven by an eighteen year old brunette with long hair, JACCINDER O'CONNOR.

Jaccinder pulls her car over and gets out, placing her hands on the bonnet, used to having to do this.

As three soldiers, one carrying a mirror on a stick, come over to the car the rear passenger side door opens.

Jaccinder's younger sister, SARAH O'CONNOR, gets out of the car as well.

Sarah is also a brunette, with bobbed hair, and is sixteen.

The soldier with the mirror starts checking underneath the car for explosives.

The Sergeant walks over to Jaccinder.

SERGEANT
Ah, Miss O'Connor, again.
(BEAT)
What business do you have in Dublin
today?

Jaccinder turns to face the sergeant, annoyed.

JACCINDER
I'm going to University, same as I
am every day when you stop me.

The Sergeant smirks.

SERGEANT
Are you carrying any prohibited
republican literature? Any guns,
explosives or other weapons?

Jaccinder just looks at the sergeant, as the soldier with the mirror gets closer.

Jaccinder steps out of the way as the soldier with the mirror checks underneath the car.


JACCINDER
Look how **** my car is. If this is
the best I can afford how the hell
am I gonna pay for a new one if I
blow it up?

SERGEANT
We ask the questions here miss
O'Connor not you. I would say
there's no need for you to be so,
troublesome, but I know that runs
in your family.
(BEAT)
Well, it did, until we killed your
dad and took back the rest of the
country anyway.

Jaccinder glares angrily at the Sergeant as one of the three soldiers walks up to him.

SOLDIER
She's clean sir

SERGEANT
I thought she would be.
(BEAT)
It seems you can leave now Miss
O'Connor.

A visibly angry Jaccinder gets in the car and starts the spluttering engine with a kick of smoke.

Sarah gets in the back of the car and shuts the door.

The sergeant puts his hand on the roof of the car, smirking.

SERGEANT
We'll see you again on the way out.

As Jaccinder's car pulls away the Sergeant motions for the guard to raise the barrier.

As Jaccinder drives through we see a CHALLENGER TANK and two ARMOURED PERSONNEL CARRIERS parked up on the other side of the checkpoint.

Through the back window, we Sarah putting two fingers up at the army officers.

We track out as Jaccinder's car accelerates away from the checkpoint.

We track right back showing us a view of the entire city, the ring of checkpoints surrounding it topped with Union Jacks.

This shows that Dublin, like the whole of Ireland, is under a full British military occupation.


INT. WISE FAMILY KITCHEN. MANCHESTER - MORNING


Thomas, Nicholas and David Wise are sat at the table, David wearing his SCHOOL UNIFORM.

Stood by the stove making breakfast is Laura Wise, a black and white TV beside her.

Nicholas is watching the TV screen as his father reads the newspaper.

We see a MALE NEWS REPORTER outside 10 DOWNING STREET on the screen.

MALE REPORTER (from TV)
Prime Minister Hawthorne is
currently meeting with members of
his cabinet to discuss the arrival
of the US envoy later this week.

David swigs down the last of his coffee and gets up from the table.

It is hoped the exchange of envoys,
which started with Lord Vaughan's
meeting with President Greene late
last month, will normalise relations
between the United Sates and the
Commonwealth.

David walks up to Laura and kisses his mother goodbye, taking a slice of toast with him as he leaves for school.

If all goes well, and the embassies
reopen as planned, it will mark the
end of the cold war between the two
largest superpowers which started
almost thirteen years ago following
the Ontario missile crisis.

On the TV, we see a split screen with the reporter talking to the ANCHORMAN in the studio.

ANCHORMAN
Are there any indications yet as to
how the True World movement's
co-ordinated attacks on the US
Airforce bases in Germany and
Holland last week might affect the
meeting later today.

Laura brings the breakfast plates over to Nicholas and Thomas.


MALE REPORTER
Even though the True World movement
have yet to act openly against the
Commonwealth, security has been
stepped up surrounding the meeting.
(BEAT)
Politically, some analysts believe
that the continued success of the
terrorist group, and their long
rumoured links to the communist
superpowers in Russia and China,
may be the driving force behind the
US attempts to bolster its strained
ties with the Commonwealth.

Laura switches off the TV.

The BACK DOOR opens, Christine coming in.

CHRISTINE
Morning.

As Christine sits at the table Nicholas is watching her intently.

CHRISTINE
I picked that thing up for you, its
in the car. Hurry up and finish your
breakfast or you'll be late for uni.
(BEAT)
I'll drop you off on my way.
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Old 6th March 2012, 07:54 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Hi Jammill, I'm not experienced with screen plays, but read a lot of theather.


ON SCREEN TEXT
March 13, 1987
Manchester, England

The room containing two single beds and a desk is lit by a single lamp.

We see DAVID WISE, sat up in bed smoking a joint, now approaching fourteen years old.i know you said not to, but how do I know it's a joint and not a roll up, one says danger, one says broke.

David is watching NICHOLAS WISE, who is lay awake in his own bed.

While David looks a little older than he is, and is tall and heavily built,this would drive me mad as a casting director; what if I get the perfect david and he's just tall. (like biff - john malkovich, way too old for the descriptor's, but inspired) Nicholas is just an average thirteen year old.

NICHOLAS
She's gonna be here soon David.
(BEAT)
I can feel it.

David takes another drag of his joint, not looking impressed.

DAVID
Guess it had to happen one day.
(BEAT)
Do you ever think you got it the
wrong way round when we chose mum
over him?

Nicholas smiles.

NICHOLAS
Not once.
(BEAT)
Do you?

David shrugs.

DAVID
I didn't get a vote Nicky. I just
let you do your thing and watch
your back, same as always.

NICHOLAS
Don't say it like that. You know
I'll always listen to what you've
got to say, you know I'll always
take your advice.one or other got to say/take your advice would do it for me.

DAVID
Yeah. But I know it won't change
your mind if you've already decided.

David finishes his joint and puts it out.

Besides, I didn't like either of
them, so I couldnítíve give less of
a **** which one you chose.
(BEAT)
I'm only doing this for you bruv.

As the brother's make eye contact it is obvious how subservient David is.i like this, and I know it goes against all prose, but as a producer/director it'll be up to me how I showed it.

It is also obvious how grateful Nicholas is for his loyalty.

David slowly rolls his head back, until he is looking at the ceiling.

DAVID
I think he was right when he said
not to trust her though, so you be
careful when mum sends whoever it is
she's sending.
(BEAT)
Especially if this herald is gonna
talk to her when we can't do that
any more.

David makes eye contact with Nicholas again

NICHOLAS
You don't trust her yourself do you?I can't quite place where the accent is from; ok so now i see manchurian, and that makes sense I read this line first as Irish/scots and the influence is there, I like this line.

DAVID
No, but you do.
(BEAT)
I'm glad I can't hear the bitch.
And when I get stoned now it's cos
its fun, and not just to keep her
voice out of my head no more.this almost sounded like an aside to me. like the no but you do is the public bit, the other a little more sly.

Nicholas sits up in his bed.


NICHOLAS
Then how can you do this, especially
when you know what we're gonna have
to do? What's gonna happen when she
gets here?

David is upset thinking about that.

DAVID
Because I trust you more than I
hate her.
(BEAT)
And I know you wouldn't let them die
if they didn't need to. I know you
love them as much as I still do. i'd like a little more subtlety. particularly the trust/hate.

David turns his back on Nicholas to face the wall.

David is hiding that fact he is starting to cry.

Nicholas turns the lamp off and settles down to sleep.good; like this.


INT. SOCIAL SERVICES OFFICE. MANCHESTER - MORNING


We see a young blonde woman sneaking into the office, the clock on the wall showing it is only do you need this? 7:15.

She heads straight to a locked filing cabinet, using a LOCK-PICK to open it, the camera not showing her face yet.

Hurriedly and nervously, the woman searches through the files, before removing two.

We see from the names on the folders that they are the records for David and Nicholas Barnhart, and their adoption.

The young woman closes the cabinet and rushes out of the office.


INT. CORRIDOR. SOCIAL SERVICES - MANCHESTER


The young woman closes the door, a CLEANING CART left unattended outside the office door.

As the woman hides the files away on her cart we see her face for the first time.

It is CHRISTINE WISE (now 19), and she pushes the cart away from the office door to continue her cleaning.



EXT. MILITARY CHECKPOINT. DUBLIN - MORNING


ON SCREEN TEXT
Dublin, Ireland

We see a DECREPIT CAR as it slowly approaches a MILITARY CHECKPOINT.
0k, so I did a diatribe about how this couldn't be ireland in the late 80s and now I see its an alternate reality. I think if you want it to be controversial, it'll work, but it may not be recieved well in Ireland. (unless it's a comedy...)
From the uniforms of the EIGHT HEAVILY ARMED SOLDIERS, and the UNION JACK flying above the checkpoint, it is obviously BRITISH.

The SERGEANT waves the car we are focusing on over for a thorough inspection.

The car is being driven by an eighteen year old brunette with long hair, JACCINDER O'CONNOR.

Jaccinder pulls her car over and gets out, placing her hands on the bonnet, used to having to do this.

As three soldiers, one carrying a mirror on a stick, come over to the car the rear passenger side door opens.

Jaccinder's younger sister, SARAH O'CONNOR, gets out of the car as well.

Sarah is also a brunette, with bobbed hair, and is sixteen.

The soldier with the mirror starts checking underneath the car for explosives.

The Sergeant walks over to Jaccinder.

SERGEANT
Ah, Miss O'Connor, again.
(BEAT)
What business do you have in Dublin
today?

Jaccinder turns to face the sergeant, annoyed.

JACCINDER
I'm going to University, same as I
am every day when you stop me.

The Sergeant smirks.

SERGEANT
Are you carrying any prohibited
republican literature? Any guns,
explosives or other weapons?

Jaccinder just looks at the sergeant, as the soldier with the mirror gets closer.

Jaccinder steps out of the way as the soldier with the mirror checks underneath the car.


JACCINDER
Look how **** my car is. If this is
the best I can afford how the hell
am I gonna pay for a new one if I
blow it up?

SERGEANT
We ask the questions here misscapital M
O'Connor not you. I would say
there's no need for you to be so,
troublesome, but I know that runs
in your family.
(BEAT)
Well, it did, until we killed your
dad and took back the rest of the
country anyway.

open the boot? Check in the engine bonnet? Check any bags? Glove box?
Jaccinder glares angrily at the Sergeant as one of the three soldiers walks up to him.

SOLDIER
She's cleancomma sir

SERGEANT
I thought she would be.
(BEAT)
It seems you can leave now Miss
O'Connor.

A visibly angry Jaccinder gets in the car and starts the spluttering engine with a kick of smoke.

Sarah gets in the back of the car and shuts the door.

The sergeant puts his hand on the roof of the car, smirking.

SERGEANT
We'll see you again on the way out.

As Jaccinder's car pulls away the Sergeant motions for the guard to raise the barrier.

As Jaccinder drives through we see a CHALLENGER TANK and two ARMOURED PERSONNEL CARRIERS parked up on the other side of the checkpoint.

Through the back window, we Sarah putting two fingers up at the army officers.

We track out as Jaccinder's car accelerates away from the checkpoint.

We track right back showing us a view of the entire city, the ring of checkpoints surrounding it topped with Union Jacks.

This shows that Dublin, like the whole of Ireland, is under a full British military occupation.why choose Ireland? it's an obvious target, and we can be a prickly lot...


INT. WISE FAMILY KITCHEN. MANCHESTER - MORNING


Thomas, Nicholas and David Wise are sat at the table, David wearing his SCHOOL UNIFORM.

Stood by the stove making breakfast is Laura Wise, a black and white TV beside her.

Nicholas is watching the TV screen as his father reads the newspaper.

We see a MALE NEWS REPORTER outside 10 DOWNING STREET on the screen.

MALE REPORTER (from TV)
Prime Minister Hawthorne is
currently meeting with members of
his cabinet to discuss the arrival
of the US envoy later this week.

David swigs down the last of his coffee and gets up from the table.

It is hoped the exchange of envoys,
which started with Lord Vaughan's
meeting with President Greene late
last month, will normalise relations
between the United Sates and the
Commonwealth.

David walks up to Laura and kisses his mother goodbye, taking a slice of toast with him as he leaves for school.

If all goes well, and the embassies
reopen as planned, it will mark the
end of the cold war between the two
largest superpowers which started
almost thirteen years ago following
the Ontario missile crisis.

On the TV, we see a split screen with the reporter talking to the ANCHORMAN in the studio.

ANCHORMAN
Are there any indications yet as to
how the True World movement's
co-ordinated attacks on the US
Airforce bases in Germany and
Holland last week might affect the
meeting later today.

Laura brings the breakfast plates over to Nicholas and Thomas.


MALE REPORTER
Even though the True World movement
have yet to act openly against the
Commonwealth, security has been
stepped up surrounding the meeting.
(BEAT)
Politically, some analysts believe
that the continued success of the
terrorist group, and their long
rumoured links to the communist
superpowers in Russia and China,
may be the driving force behind the
US attempts to bolster its strained
ties with the Commonwealth.

Laura switches off the TV.

The BACK DOOR opens, Christine coming in.

CHRISTINE
Morning.

As Christine sits at the table Nicholas is watching her intently.

CHRISTINE
I picked that thing up for you, its
in the car. Hurry up and finish your
breakfast or you'll be late for uni.
(BEAT)
I'll drop you off on my way.[/QUOTE]

okay, interesting, I can follow it easily, the accents are good all the way though, the dialogue flows. I had difficulty with the ireland bit - it seemed an obvious one to show, and I'd like a bit more subtlety, but that may be because I picked it up straight away that it wasn't plausible; others may take longer (mainly cos of a border whose nuances don't always carry; so if it had been set in parts of the north, only the tanks at the end woudl have shown it as a alternate reality, and I think for showing it's not quite right - some of the subtlety might have been lost.) There are easier places to show this than Ireland - France under the eiffel tower, and everyone picks up it's wrong, here I think it's confusing. And accents don't help - I'm taken as Irish, scottish, english, and very, very occasionally Northern Irish (which I am, born and bred.)
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Old 6th March 2012, 07:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Hi. Don't worry about putting the intro separately. Firstly, we only count the bit to be critiqued in the 1500 words, so as long as you make it clear what is and isn't for critiquing, you're fine. Secondly, if we did count all of it, putting it into 2 posts wouldn't help; we'd still edit or lock the thread as we felt necessary, and you'd get a black mark for trying to be clever.


While I'm here, I didn't get it was alternative history until the TV bit. The Irish checkpoint just seemed ignorance of the Troubles (there's a euphemism if ever there was one) which put my back up at once, I'm afraid. Couldn't we occupy France instead? The Sgt read as impossibly stereotyped, which also didn't help.

I don't mean to be patronising -- this is a genuine question -- how important is correct grammar and punctuation in script-writing? Because if it is important, you need to work on it. I nearly gave up reading at
Quote:
We see DAVID WISE, sat up in bed smoking a joint, now approaching fourteen years old.

David is watching NICHOLAS WISE, who is lay awake in his own bed.
David is not "sat up" he is sitting up in bed. Similarly, Nicholas can't be "is lay awake" he is lying awake. And as written it is the joint which is approaching 14, not the boy. In a novel this kind of writing would have me throwing the book at the wall.

I have to say I don't think there's anything here that would make me want to watch it, but then I watch very little TV anyway, so I'm not your target audience/readership. Sorry I can't be more positive.


EDIT: springs jumped in while I was writing -- the France thing was a co-incidence, honest!
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Old 6th March 2012, 09:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

JUDGE: "I don't mean to be patronising -- this is a genuine question -- how important is correct grammar and punctuation in script-writing? Because if it is important, you need to work on it. "

It is very important, but this is only a rough first draft to see if the concepts come across (and little bits of snipping out parts of a sentence to get the scenes I wanted under the word count.)

As for the Ireland thing, I'd be able to shift things around so that it doesn't come until AFTER the alternate timeline is made apparent.

About setting that bit in Ireland instead of another country, and this bit is in response to the points Springs made as well, it's a political thing within the storyline. It shows the militarism of the Commonwealth (their response to the start of the troubles was to sweep through the whole of Ireland, round up and execute everyone who opposed them, and stay there to make sure it didn't happen again), and once the main group starts to get politically involved, starting off within Britain, there is distrust of Jaccinder and her motivations BECAUSE she is Irish and has grown up under enforced Commonwealth rule.

Plus I want the second nicest female characters in the story to have a soft Irish accent, it sounds all lyrical and trustworthy, and people south of Dublin have exactly that sort of accent. Oh, and there are only three more scenes set in Ireland in 'Chosen Son', all of which take place in the University, before Jaccinder and Sarah leave for England, so if it jars it won't jar for long

Cheers for your help so far.


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Old 6th March 2012, 09:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Re the rough draft thing, we do ask that people put up their work after they've spent time honing it -- that way critiquers don't have to spend time pointing out things which the writer knows but hadn't bothered to correct.

I note your arguments about Ireland, but I still feel it's a hostage to fortune because too many deaths have happened too recently for people in either state to be comfortable. It may not be a running sore, but it's a wound which could still break open at any time. I also suspect that the people who commission TV shows will be less than enthusiastic. Beating up the French, on the other hand, would be welcome on both sides of the Atlantic!
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Old 6th March 2012, 09:55 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Also, to get a soft irish accent, it doesn't have to be set in Ireland - look at most universities in the Uk. Plus, as a cliche, it's everywhere; there are plenty of other regional accents just as nice.
We are a prickly nation, too much so, and I suspect this may push an awful lot of buttons - the late eighties wasn't a barrel where I was - it was improved from when I was a kid, but I was still running out of evacuated shopping centres, wondering when they'd go up (I was a shop manager; customers, staff then managers...), and I think TJ is right - most producers would look at this and wonder is it a sore worth opening...
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Old 6th March 2012, 09:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Judge View Post
I don't mean to be patronising -- this is a genuine question -- how important is correct grammar and punctuation in script-writing?
Jeez, Tarantino is a film-making genius in some respects, but read his scripts and you'll find a fair scattering of spelling mistakes and the man doesn't know the difference between his your/you're's.

But he's no doubt deep enough into the industry to get away with that lark.



Annnnyway, onto the script. I liked the first bit a lot, especially how you open it. a great first line to hook us in. The rest of the conversation continues to be so. Not enough to really let us know what they're talking about (which they wouldn't -- they know, they wouldn't say more than they need to). Well, there are a couple of lines that are maybe a bit too heavy, like the using the joint to drown out her voice. I like the intent behind it, I think it's just a bit too forthright. But I really like subtext and I'd hide even a simple hello behind different meanings if I could!

I'm the other direction to Springs, though, I'd like a bit more in the business. I realise that my own work needs to cut down a little, but at the same time, I think we still need something. So I'd like a little something to show us how we know someone's looking subservient, or loyal.

The bit I have a bit more problem with is the car point (on a side note, I heard Irish accents on them all immediately). You've made it clear that it's something that happens a lot. A repeated occurrence. So it's unlikely they'd say the things you have them saying. "Oh, I'll point out that we're doing that thing that you already know we do everyday" (OK, it's not as bad as that, but hopefully you see what I mean!) You were doing a fine enough job showing it's a repeated thing just through their actions -- Jaccinder knowing exactly how to stand and everything.

Here is a definite winner of a scene where you could bring out the subtext. I think it could work a lot better if you have them actually talking seemingly pleasantly to each other, or at least swapping small talk, but drop in enough to create an underlying tension -- obviously none of them are friends, but they're keeping up a front. Jaccinder saying enough to get through, curt and abrupt, whereas the Sergeant could be positively chatty, revelling in the fact that she's obviously peed off. I don't really like the "your family's trouble" and "remember how we killed your dad?" -- again, it's something the characters already know and feels too exposition-y. If you want to show that they consider the whole family troublesome, get the sister involved. From an audience point of view, you've said she's young, she's been silent throughout the scene, she seems the most unlikely to cause trouble, so if the guards are hassling her then it's alerting us to something deeper.

I like the throwing up of the fingers as they leg it!

I think the tv report is a perfectly valid way of giving us some back history and setting up this alternative place. Definitely a hell of a lot better than having someone sit down and explain it all! Although it seems this is a tv series? So you may well have the opportunity to filter in all of these kinds of details as programme progresses. Which you're probably doing anyway, considering they'll no doubt make the backdrop to all the action!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, love the opening, hooks you in nicely, the middle bit could just do with some tweaking.
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Old 7th March 2012, 09:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Re: The Sisterhood - Chosen Son part I: Herald

Just an Irish view point from the south, I appreciate what Springs1971 has said as she would have lived through the troubles.

For those of us in the south, the troubles was in the north, remote and distant. I'm very typical of my generation, I don't give a monkies about the six counties and I think they were all half mad with their shootings and bombings. But as I said, I never lived through the troubles, I had wonderful peaceful up bringing with unarmed Garda.

So the British army and Dublin checkpoints made me smile, touched a nerve but one that I can live with, as would most Irish south of the border. But as Springs1971 would no doubt confirm, not everyone in Ireland would be so relaxed about your script idea.

Don't do scripts, so thats it.
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