Passage of time

[Mouse]

I hate writing time passing. I never know how to do it properly. This is chapter ten of the WiP and where I'm up to at the mo. I'm not entirely sure what happens after this, because the characters are now separate again and Jenn has no reason to do anything else other than get on with her life.

There's a couple of slightly naughty words in here. Sorry about that.

I guess my question is: Does it work?

Ta muchly.

---

“You’re paranoid.”

“No. I know you’re involved somehow. I never liked what you did—“

A laugh. “I didn’t do anything! They came to me, remember? I just opened their minds, showed them what they could do if they believed in themselves.”

“B*****ks.”

“You’re a cynic, Mr Taylor. Always were.”

***

Jenn woke before her alarm and lay in bed for a while, thinking. Ambrose Lawson had passed out on her sofa. She’d covered him over with a blanket, thought about ringing Mercer, but instead had gone to bed and slept as if nothing had happened. She’d slept through the night.

She rubbed her face tiredly and looked over at the clock. Have to get up soon. Simon wanted her back at work; she couldn’t ring in sick, could she? It was all too complicated. Ambrose, Mercer, the bodies. She should go to work. Return to normality.

The alarm beeped, making her jump. With a sigh, she got out of bed.

Breakfast was toast, one slice, and a cup of tea. She sat in the kitchen on her own, not wanting to wake Ambrose who slept soundly on her sofa, though she had a moment of panic when she thought he might be dead and had to go and hold the mirror from her handbag under his nose to check that he was still breathing.

She scrawled a note for him: Gone to work, help yourself to breakfast, back before one. And then left the house, deciding that she would drive today because black clouds lurked in the sky and she didn’t want to come home to Ambrose Lawson looking all wet and bedraggled.

Work then. Only twelve rooms were occupied. She told everyone all about her ordeal and they filled her in with the hotel’s news. It hadn’t stopped people staying. A death? As long as the body wasn’t still there, nobody cared. It had all blown over now, the police were busy looking up leads and that was that. Nothing to do with the White Horse.

She didn’t mention Ambrose. Or the guy in the field. There were moments when she forgot about them. Somebody had left a dildo behind in room seven and she’d spent several minutes debating whether or not to put it in lost property, or just throw it away. Would somebody come back for their dildo? She laughed about it with Clare and they threw it away. Normality.

After work, she went home. The house was quiet, Ambrose was no longer on the sofa and the blanket she’d draped over him had been folded up and placed on the arm. There was a glossy photograph on the table. Jenn picked it up – a signed photo of Ambrose Lawson.

Jennifer, best wishes, Ambrose Lawson xx

She pulled a face. “Ambrose?”

No answer. She went to the stairs, called for him again. He wouldn’t just leave. Would he? She went into the kitchen, noticing that Ambrose had washed up her breakfast dishes and tidied everything away; it would’ve made her smile if she hadn’t been so confused.

There was no other message. No note, no voice mail on her phone. Nothing. She stood in the lounge clutching the photo. So he’d gone then, just like that. She sat down on the sofa and put the photo down.

My contract!

“Sh*t.” She groaned and flopped back among the cushions. Why was she so damn gullible? Of course he wouldn’t be working with her, she was a nobody. Mercer had spun a lie so that she’d keep quiet. Well, she hoped he was happy. Part of her wanted to drive up to Hamdown and, and… What?

Forget it.

They’d probably already left anyway, back to London. There was no point worrying about things now. Mercer would carry on looking after Ambrose, Ambrose would carry on acting and she would carry on scrubbing toilets for a living. If there were any more murders then that was the police’s problem, not hers. She just hoped that someone would find the body in the field soon; his family must have noticed he was missing by now.

A tiny stab of guilt and then it was gone. No, that was it.

She looked at the photo again. Jennifer. He couldn’t even get her bloody name right.

[ctg]

If you mean by passing a day by doing very little then yes, you passed time. But I don't know about other things as there were so many sentences, where I felt as if I was lost, and yet firmly held by the author. And what I would have done differently in your shoes, would have been longer sentences. I'd allowed me to write more to lose the tension, to pass more time and deliver story that way. But you are you and you need to focus on this story with your own voice.

[Warren_Paul]

Overall I thought the passage of time was fine, you had enough there to fill in the impression of time passing. Only one part I thought might need looking at.

Originally Posted by Mouse

She didn’t mention Ambrose. Or the guy in the field. There were moments when she forgot about them. Somebody had left a dildo behind in room seven and she’d spent several minutes debating whether or not to put it in lost property, or just throw it away. Would somebody come back for their dildo? She laughed about it with Clare and they threw it away. Normality.

Right here. The scene should be broken here I think.

#

Take out the 'After work, she went home.' and change it to her getting out of her car or something. Relieved to be home again maybe.

After work, she went home. The house was quiet, Ambrose was no longer on the sofa and the blanket she’d draped over him had been folded up and placed on the arm. There was a glossy photograph on the table. Jenn picked it up – a signed photo of Ambrose Lawson.

[mithril]

Sorry I couldn't make much sense of the 1st part. But that is probably because I do not know what's been going on.

Coming to jenn's piece, it feels natural in the sense that a normal day at work isn't filled with a lot of big events and the random and small details make good reading. However to me it felt a bit long... If I was reading this in the middle of the book, I'd probably just skim it. Not sure why though...

Nitpickings now (As always all suggestions stem from what 'feels' right while reading to me so please ignore if they don't make sense )

1. The word 'normality' sets my teeth on edge for some reason... Reminds me of chemical concentration calculations. Maybe you meant normalcy?

2. I got the sense that it has a somewhat prosaic tone. Not sure if you were aiming for that. Maybe it felt that way because it's an out of context read for me.. Examples -

"Jenn woke before her alarm (could ring?) and lay in bed for a while, thinking. Ambrose Lawson had passed out on her sofa. She’d covered him over with a blanket, thought about ringing Mercer, but instead had gone to bed and slept as if nothing had happened. She’d slept through the night.

She rubbed her face tiredly and looked over at the clock. Have to get up soon. Simon wanted her back at work; she couldn’t ring in sick, could she?"

I'd be a tad more excited/flustered if a movie star was asleep on my sofa Unless she already knows him well? And even if she does know him, like you mention later that they had talked about some sort of contract thingy.. it still seems like it's nothing unusual...

3. And then left the house, deciding that she would drive today because black clouds lurked in the sky and she didn’t want to come home to Ambrose Lawson looking all wet and bedraggled.

Feels inelegant (sorry didn't really want to use the word but tht's honestly what I feel) Maybe something like - "Stepping out, the morning was darkly cloudy, which meant driving to work. She wouldn't let Ambrose Lawson see her wet and bedraggled when she returned." (Not saying this is better.. but tweak the original sentence and maybe split it somehow?)

4. She didn’t mention Ambrose. Or the guy in the field. There were moments when she forgot about them. Somebody had left a dildo behind in room seven and she’d spent several minutes debating whether or not to put it in lost property, or just throw it away. Would somebody come back for their dildo? She laughed about it with Clare and they threw it away.

There were moments when she forgot about them - again seems like a very bald statement. Did she find herself only occasionally remembering Ambrose and the body in the field or was it only sometimes that she managed to forget about them? Also para break or something before the dildo incident maybe? Maybe club in the not telling about Ambrose and the dead guy with the previous para somehow?

5. Mercer had spun (her?) a lie

Liked the ending line. Sort of closes of the scene right...

Sorry about the long post

[Mouse]

Thanks guys. Was beginning to think it sucked so badly nobody wanted to comment at all.

Originally Posted by ctg

If you mean by passing a day by doing very little then yes, you passed time. But I don't know about other things as there were so many sentences, where I felt as if I was lost, and yet firmly held by the author. And what I would have done differently in your shoes, would have been longer sentences. I'd allowed me to write more to lose the tension, to pass more time and deliver story that way. But you are you and you need to focus on this story with your own voice.

I'm trying to write longer sentences. There's a long one in this segment that I thought people would be telling me to break down!

Originally Posted by Warren_Paul

Overall I thought the passage of time was fine, you had enough there to fill in the impression of time passing. Only one part I thought might need looking at.

Hmm. Yeah, you could be right. I don't want it too chopped up though.

Originally Posted by mithril

Sorry I couldn't make much sense of the 1st part. But that is probably because I do not know what's been going on.

No, I probably should've posted the first segment, really. It's in someone else's POV too.

Coming to jenn's piece, it feels natural in the sense that a normal day at work isn't filled with a lot of big events and the random and small details make good reading. However to me it felt a bit long... If I was reading this in the middle of the book, I'd probably just skim it. Not sure why though...

Nitpickings now (As always all suggestions stem from what 'feels' right while reading to me so please ignore if they don't make sense )

1. The word 'normality' sets my teeth on edge for some reason... Reminds me of chemical concentration calculations. Maybe you meant normalcy?

I wondered whether it should be normality or normalcy. I'll have to go and Google those words.*

2. I got the sense that it has a somewhat prosaic tone. Not sure if you were aiming for that. Maybe it felt that way because it's an out of context read for me.. Examples -

"Jenn woke before her alarm (could ring?) and lay in bed for a while, thinking. Ambrose Lawson had passed out on her sofa. She’d covered him over with a blanket, thought about ringing Mercer, but instead had gone to bed and slept as if nothing had happened. She’d slept through the night.

She rubbed her face tiredly and looked over at the clock. Have to get up soon. Simon wanted her back at work; she couldn’t ring in sick, could she?"

I'd be a tad more excited/flustered if a movie star was asleep on my sofa Unless she already knows him well? And even if she does know him, like you mention later that they had talked about some sort of contract thingy.. it still seems like it's nothing unusual...

I had to Google 'prosaic.' Ouchy! Unimaginative? Ok.

Yeah, she's been really flustered the past couple of chapters but by now, so much has happened that she's sort of too tired to deal with it. Hence sleeping right through the night.

3. And then left the house, deciding that she would drive today because black clouds lurked in the sky and she didn’t want to come home to Ambrose Lawson looking all wet and bedraggled.

Feels inelegant (sorry didn't really want to use the word but tht's honestly what I feel) Maybe something like - "Stepping out, the morning was darkly cloudy, which meant driving to work. She wouldn't let Ambrose Lawson see her wet and bedraggled when she returned." (Not saying this is better.. but tweak the original sentence and maybe split it somehow?)

I'm sure someone would go mental if I used 'darkly cloudy!' And you've chopped it into even shorter sentences.

4.

She didn’t mention Ambrose. Or the guy in the field. There were moments when she forgot about them. Somebody had left a dildo behind in room seven and she’d spent several minutes debating whether or not to put it in lost property, or just throw it away. Would somebody come back for their dildo? She laughed about it with Clare and they threw it away.

There were moments when she forgot about them - again seems like a very bald statement. Did she find herself only occasionally remembering Ambrose and the body in the field or was it only sometimes that she managed to forget about them? Also para break or something before the dildo incident maybe? Maybe club in the not telling about Ambrose and the dead guy with the previous para somehow?

5. Mercer had spun (her?) a lie

Liked the ending line. Sort of closes of the scene right...

Sorry about the long post

You know, I originally had 'spun her a lie' and then deleted the 'her' and thought it read better. I've been told to take out words that aren't absolutely necessary.

That's the trouble with critiques, I guess. Conflicting advice!

Thanks for taking the time to go through it. I'll go away and ponder it.

*Google says 'normalcy' is American.

[mithril]

Originally Posted by Mouse

I had to Google 'prosaic.' Ouchy! Unimaginative? Ok.

Yeah, she's been really flustered the past couple of chapters but by now, so much has happened that she's sort of too tired to deal with it. Hence sleeping right through the night.

Sorry.. I didn't mean unimaginative exactly more like very normal.

Originally Posted by Mouse

I'm sure someone would go mental if I used 'darkly cloudy!' And you've chopped it into even shorter sentences.

You are right. Darkly clody would make even me mental... guess i should have read it again :P

And sorry for the conflicting critiques...

[Mouse]

Originally Posted by mithril

Sorry.. I didn't mean unimaginative exactly more like very normal.

I don't want to be flowery though. Actually, I would quite like to be able to do purple, flowery descriptiveness like others can, but I fail miserably.

You are right. Darkly clody would make even me mental... guess i should have read it again :P

And sorry for the conflicting critiques...

Ah no, no worries. I need to get things right so that people agree.

[Abernovo]

I was going to do a crit last night, but life and a touch of exhaustion (there's an oxymoron) got in the way. I don't have much to add but here goes.

I liked this. One of the things I liked was the prosaic setting - i.e. there's a normal life going on, with normal concerns, routines and emb**gerations. With the supernatural element (am I remembering correctly that it has ghosts?), having 'reality' keeps it grounded.

As to time passing, you managed it. As above with me, life getting in the way of what Jenn wants to do.

Originally Posted by Mouse

She rubbed her face tiredly and looked over at the clock. Have to get up soon. Simon wanted her back at work; she couldn’t ring in sick, could she? It was all too complicated. Ambrose, Mercer, the bodies. She should go to work. Return to normality.

There's nothing wrong with this, but if you wanted a bit of emphasis, you could make 'could she?' into a separate sentence and italicise it as a thought.

Originally Posted by Mouse

She scrawled a note for him: Gone to work, help yourself to breakfast, back before one. And then left the house, deciding that she would drive today because black clouds lurked in the sky and she didn’t want to come home to Ambrose Lawson looking all wet and bedraggled.

The beginning of the second sentence didn't quite work for me. I'm not sure if getting rid of the 'And' or adding 'she' would work. It may just be me, anyway and it's not a big issue.

Originally Posted by Mouse

Somebody had left a dildo behind in room seven and she’d spent several minutes debating whether or not to put it in lost property, or just throw it away. Would somebody come back for their dildo? She laughed about it with Clare and they threw it away. Normality.

I liked this section a lot, probably because it's got the ring of truth to it. I worked in a retirement home whilst in uni and whilst looking for work afterwards. Similar situation - you could come across things that revealed who the real person was behind the facade of who they appeared to be (or what time had taken from them).

Definitely interested to see how this develops now, Mouse.

Hope I've helped a little.

[Mouse]

Thanks, Aber. Yep, it has ghosts. Jenn can see dead people and Ambrose can do a sort of contact-telepathy thing, except he can't control it at the mo and passes out after he's done it. (Which is what happened before this scene.)

I really need to work on how to start sentences, don't I! I turn into the lady from Dude, Where's my Car?

I liked this section a lot, probably because it's got the ring of truth to it. I worked in a retirement home whilst in uni and whilst looking for work afterwards. Similar situation - you could come across things that revealed who the real person was behind the facade of who they appeared to be (or what time had taken from them).

Heh. Ew! Yeah, it's based on truth - I worked in a hotel and did indeed find one of those.

[Warren_Paul]

Originally Posted by Mouse

I don't want to be flowery though. Actually, I would quite like to be able to do purple, flowery descriptiveness like others can, but I fail miserably.



Ah no, no worries. I need to get things right so that people agree.

Problem is nobody is going to completely agree with everything.

I wouldn't worry about it possibly being 'prosaic' I don't think it really is, we need breaks in the action at some points.

It can't be all one action scene to the next, even heroes/heroines need to rest and take time out from saving the day, have a normal life...

[Abernovo]

Originally Posted by Mouse

I really need to work on how to start sentences, don't I! I turn into the lady from Dude, Where's my Car?

Heh. Ew! Yeah, it's based on truth - I worked in a hotel and did indeed find one of those.

Your sentence beginnings are fine. It was only one that I had any problem with. Even that one was debatable, as it might work for plenty of other people. Never seen that film.

Among the things we found was a knuckleduster from a nice old gentleman, who it turns out, had an interesting past.

[Mouse]

Originally Posted by Warren_Paul

Problem is nobody is going to completely agree with everything.

But they should do, damnit!

Originally Posted by Abernovo

Your sentence beginnings are fine. It was only one that I had any problem with. Even that one was debatable, as it might work for plenty of other people. Never seen that film.

Among the things we found was a knuckleduster from a nice old gentleman, who it turns out, had an interesting past.

The 'heroes' order a Chinese at a drive-through. At the machine the lady keeps asking 'and then' after everything they say and they're like 'no and then.' It's very funny.

You get to see a different side to people working in places like that!

[springs]

[QUOTE=Mouse;1584113]

“You’re paranoid.”

“No. I know you’re involved somehow. I never liked what you did—“

A laugh. “I didn’t do anything! They came to me, remember? I just opened their minds, showed them what they could do if they believed in themselves.”

“B*****ks.”

“You’re a cynic, Mr Taylor. Always were.”

***


Breakfast was toast, one slice, and a cup of tea. She sat in the kitchen on her own, not wanting to wake Ambrose who slept soundly on her sofa,i might have taken a new sentence here. though she had a moment of panic when she thought he might be dead and had to go and hold the mirror from her handbag under his nose to check that he was still breathing. I like this sort of description, Mouse and I think you're very good at it. I'd prefer this to any amount of purple prose.

She scrawled a note for him: Gone to work, help yourself to breakfast, back before one. And then left the house, deciding that she would drive today because black clouds lurked in the sky and she didn’t want to come home to Ambrose Lawson looking all wet and bedraggled.


No answer. She went to the stairs, called for him again. He wouldn’t just leave. Would he? She went into the kitchen, noticing that Ambrose had washed up her breakfast dishes and tidied everything away; it would’ve made her smile if she hadn’t been so confused. good, house trained celeb; I like that.

Mouse, I like it a lot, but then i like - is it sparse, I'm not sure that's the word because there is description, plenty of it, it just doesn't use a lot of fancy phrases - this style. Well written, and I'm getting a sense of Jenny now, more than I did in the earlier excerpts.

[Bowler1]

I have to agree with ctg, some of the sentences could have been linked together, this is style mostly, and was not too much of a problem for me.

The movement of time was fine except, the arriving and leaving work - ‘work then’ – is about as short and to the point as you could ever hope to get.
However the breakfast line was, I thought that was very good, unhelpful of me I know but such is life!

She seemed very calm about the dead bodies, I’m going to assume her emotions were well covered earlier when the action happened. Still, a little bit more would have felt better for me.

It has the feel of a linking piece between action points in the story, so the pace was fine. I liked the humour used. There is a very nice ‘real’ feeling to how you write, this is normal life and could happen to you type of thing, I hope that’s clear!

‘I liked it’ – See, I have made a note of your style already!!

[Glitch]

Hi Mouse.
Nice piece, sparks the interest to find out more. The only passage of time that stood out was concerning the alarm clock.

I think you're a much better writer than I am, but here's my take.

Originally Posted by Mouse

Jenn woke before her alarm and lay in bed for a while, thinking.

Originally Posted by Mouse

The alarm beeped, making her jump. With a sigh, she got out of bed.

How much time should have passed between these two sentences? The first thing that springs to my mind if I wake up before the alarm and drift back to sleep, is where the time went? Then I sigh and hit snooze several times before getting out of bed.

Originally Posted by Mouse

but instead had gone to bed and slept as if nothing had happened. She’d slept through the night.

Originally Posted by Mouse

She rubbed her face tiredly and looked over at the clock. Have to get up soon.

If you move the 'slept through the night' to after she looks at the clock, you could show her reaction to it; rather than tell us she slept through the night.

Originally Posted by Mouse

Nothing to do with the White Horse.

Is the White Horse the hotel where she works?

Originally Posted by Mouse

Somebody had left a dildo behind in room seven and she’d spent several minutes debating whether or not to put it in lost property, or just throw it away. Would somebody come back for their dildo?

This made me laugh, was that the intention? You mention the room number, so I was waiting for them to describe the person(s) that had been staying in that room. If not, why bother with the room number?

You say this is from experience, so I don't doubt the authenticity of this sentence; but wouldn't someone be more likely to call the hotel and ask if room service found something, rather than actually come back? Not that I think someone would call up and ask if they left a dildo in their room.

Keeping that sentence - 'Would somebody come back for it?' or 'Would somebody really come back for their dildo?' seems a better fit for me.

Originally Posted by Mouse

She didn’t mention Ambrose. Or the guy in the field. There were moments when she forgot about them.

I'm only assuming, but I gather she was party to a death or at least disposing of the body? If so, would there be moments where she forgot, or more where she thought it had been a dream?

Originally Posted by Mouse

After work, she went home. The house was quiet

Seems a little choppy. Maybe start with 'The house was quiet'. But this is still telling, you could show us how the house is quiet (if that makes sense); even comparing it to the busy/noisy hotel.

Originally Posted by Mouse

She went into the kitchen, noticing that Ambrose had washed up her breakfast dishes and tidied everything away;

Is Ambrose a movie star? I don't get that impression, but since this excerpt is out of context you may have already covered it. But would he clean the dishes? Later on you say 'Mercer would carry on looking after Ambrose'. I get the impression he's not one to tidy up after himself.

Originally Posted by Mouse

My contract!

What about her contract. You mention it, but don't elaborate. Did he steal a contract, was she supposed to be signed as an actress?

Originally Posted by Mouse

They’d probably already left anyway, back to London.

Depending how far away this location is from London - 'halfway to London by now.' - 'well on their way to London.' seems to fit better for me.