I Am Not A Super Hero - the next exciting episode

[David Evil Overlord]

Tiny little globes of clear liquid fell sideways from my eyes and floated drunkenly round and round my head. My broken mask blurred; a perfect metaphor for my love life. Unless it was a simile. F*** me. I wouldn’t know. Mr. Hartwell once made me write out “I will pay attention in English class” five hundred times. I wrote, but I so didn’t pay.

Hidden away in my invisible tree house, I knew I could take my mask off without being seen. Nobody else even knew this place existed. That long-ago summer when I was ten and my brother Josh was eight, my dad built the tree house for us. I couldn’t figure out how he did it. I asked him, but he just winked at me, and said it was a secret. And I thought my dad was the greatest super hero in the world.

Our tree house was a huge wooden maze, shaped something like a starfish impossibly beached upon the branches of the old oak tree that shaded most of our back yard. Inside it was all smooth polished wood; so smooth the eye could not separate a single board from the next. Outside it was all covered in bark. There were leaves growing all over it. Even in the middle of winter, when the oak leaves were just a distant memory, forgotten until spring.

Now that I’m nearly seventeen, I know my dad is just another baseliner. He built my tree house out of wood with the bark still attached, and then buried it all under a living camouflage net of some flowering creeper.

My mum said it was jasmine. I thought that was a baby girl’s name. It was several days before mum got it through my head she was talking about the flowering creeper, and I was so not about to get a baby sister.

Did I mention I was only ten back then?

Dad made our tree house invisible because of our local council. If they didn’t know we had a tree house, they couldn’t fine dad more than our real house was worth for the terrible crime of making his children happy without a planning permit.

Mum and dad and Josh and me knew my tree house existed. Nobody else.

‘How long did you think you could lie to me, Jenny?’

I nearly swallowed my tongue. My heart skipped a beat, and then started pounding like it wanted to punch its way out of my ribcage. Nobody else knew this place existed; nobody except the boy who lived next door! He used to play in our tree house when we were younger, so he was never under the influence of our home-made invisibility spell.

Allan stepped out of a shadowed corner of my invisible tree house. What the hell was he doing, sneaking into my tree house while I was undressing?

Undressing? Oh, my God! I was naked from the neck up. My mask was still in my hands!

I slapped my broken mask back into place, only to find out the hard way it didn’t fit on my face backwards. There was a loud crack, and I had one brief moment to hope it was the sound was my mask breaking, and not my face. Then I was trying to inhale a working chainsaw.

I fell to my knees, no longer aware of anything outside my pain-filled event horizon.

[Warren_Paul]

I really had a hard time finding anything to critique on this post DEO, well done. I really enjoyed reading it, looking forward to reading the whole book at some point.


There was only one thing that caught me:

Originally Posted by David Evil Overlord

There was a loud crack, and I had one brief moment to hope it was the sound was my mask breaking, and not my face. Then I was trying to inhale a working chainsaw.

I fell to my knees, no longer aware of anything outside my pain-filled event horizon.

The working chainsaw metaphor confused me, I didn't quite understand what was going on. I get it that she is hurt bad, but not really how? did the mask shatter and sharp points dig into her face? Or is it literally a chainsaw?


the event horizon metaphor might confuse some people, I think I understood it myself though. She passed out, most common event horizon is caused by a black hole, sucking away light. I liked the metaphor though.

[David Evil Overlord]

Glad you enjoyed it, Warren.

The working chainsaw was changed from an earlier "My nose felt like I was trying to inhale a working chainsaw". Just her colourful way of saying her poor much-abused nose really, really hurts!

Remember, in the first exciting episode, our heroine thought her nose was already broken. Now she's just hit herself in the nose with her mask as she tries to hide her face with a mask that is facing backwards.

Trying to keep the word "like" to a minimum, unless the teenagers are, like, saying the word "like".

Event horizon, yes. She's not quite sure if she passed out or not, but she's in so much pain the outside world has effectively ceased to exist as far as she is concerned. Her mind can't deal with the pain and everything (anything) else, too.

[Warren_Paul]

Originally Posted by David Evil Overlord

The working chainsaw was changed from an earlier "My nose felt like I was trying to inhale a working chainsaw". Just her colourful way of saying her poor much-abused nose really, really hurts!

Remember, in the first exciting episode, our heroine thought her nose was already broken. Now she's just hit herself in the nose with her mask as she tries to hide her face with a mask that is facing backwards.

ok, I get it now, not sure if I like it though, sorry to say. Its too ambiguous. The metaphor, to me, doesn't suit the purpose.

[Bowler1]

'five hundred times. I wrote, but I so didn’t pay.'

The ending of the line above was the only one I did not like.

The rest however was good, flowed very nicely for me giving good background and information in a really nice way. Its almost the same scene as before but the quality has improved a hell of a lot, you've been busy!

Well done.

[David Evil Overlord]

Thank you, Bowler1.

[Warren_Paul]

Originally Posted by Bowler1

'five hundred times. I wrote, but I so didn’t pay.'

It's a tricky line but brilliantly done imo.

tack 'attention' on the end and everyone would understand it, but I believe that would take away from the cleverness.

[springs]

Originally Posted by David Evil Overlord

Tiny little globes of clear liquid fell sideways from my eyes and floated drunkenly round and round my head. My broken mask blurred; a perfect metaphor for my love life. Unless it was a simile. F*** me. I wouldn’t know. Mr. Hartwell once made me write out “I will pay attention in English class” five hundred times. I wrote, but I so didn’t pay.i don't like the end of it, but YA probably will.

Hidden away in my invisible tree house, I knew I could take my mask off without being seen. Nobody else even knew this place existed. That long-ago summeri know you reveal her age in a moment, but just now I thought i was being kept in the dark and wondered why. when I was ten and my brother Josh was eight, my dad built the tree house for us. I couldn’t figure out how he did it. I asked him, but he just winked at me, and said it was a secret. And I thought my dad was the greatest super hero in the world.

Our tree house waswas or is? doesn't she still use it? a huge wooden maze, shaped something like a starfish impossibly beached upon the branches of the old oak tree that shaded most of our back yard. Inside it was all smooth polished wood; so smooth the eye could not separate a single board from the next. Outside it was allall/all, I'd lose one or other covered in bark. There were leaves growing all over it. Even in the middle of winter, when the oak leaves were just a distant memory, forgotten until spring.do you need forgotten until spring? we know they come back in spring?

Now thati don't think you need the that I’m nearly seventeen, I know my dad is just another baseliner. He built my tree house out of wood with the bark still attached, and then buried it all under a living camouflage net of some flowering creeper.

My mum said it was jasmine. I thought that was a baby girl’s name. It was several days before mum got it through my head she was talking about the flowering creeper, and I was so not about to get a baby sister.I had to read the bit in red twice; before I got it through my head that mum was talking about?

Did I mention I was only ten back then?

Dad made our tree house invisible because of our local council. If they didn’t know we had a tree house, they couldn’t fine dad more than our real house was worth for the terrible crime of making his children happy without a planning permit.a little bit info dumpish; i think the reader will get there from the local council and the planning permit; dad made our tree house invisible because of our local council, so they couldn't fine him for the terrible crime......

Mum and dad and Josh and me knew my tree house existed. Nobody else.

‘How long did you think you could lie to me, Jenny?’

I nearly swallowed my tongue. My heart skipped a beat, and then started pounding like it wanted to punch its way out of my ribcage. Nobody else knew this place existed; nobody except the boy who lived next door! He used to play in our tree house when we were younger, so he was never under the influence of our home-made invisibility spell.

Allan stepped out of a shadowed corner of my invisible tree house. What the hell was he doing, sneaking into my tree house while I was undressing?

Undressing? Oh, my God! I was naked from the neck up. My mask was still in my hands!

I slapped my broken mask back into place, only to find out the hard way it didn’t fit on my face backwards. There was a loud crack, and I had one brief moment to hope it was the sound was my mask breaking, and not my face. Then I was trying to inhale a working chainsaw.i don't like this image either, and I don't understand it.

I fell to my knees, no longer aware of anything outside my pain-filled event horizonnor this one. sorry.

Hi DEO, there's a nitpicker everywhere.... I liked it, thought it moved on well, and kept the tension going. The above bits really are nitpicky, but that's what we're here for?

[alchemist]

Hi DEO,
Just to confuse the issue, I really liked the sentence that Bowler1 didn't.

Overall, I like it. My one issue with writing like this is that when it comes to action, the wise-assery and the metaphors can get in the way and make it difficult to follow. This isn't an issue so far, so it may be just something to look out for. The paragraph about jasmine was maybe a bit too far -- it wasn't that relevant to the story, and wasn't as clever as Dad and the invisible tree house.

Also, I know you said her nose was weakened already but I think it unlikely she could break it in the way you've described.

But in general, very good. It should make a good novel.

[David Evil Overlord]

Hi Springs. Nitpick away, my friend. I value your opinion. I'm posting in the Critique section so fellow writers can tell me what works and what doesn't.

The age bit? I sent about half the story to a friend of mine in the States. She said it was a great love story for Valentine's Day, but shouldn't the girl be a little older than ten? She hadn't picked up the treehouse was built when the character was ten, and that was 6-7 years ago. I'm trying to clear up her misconception I think ten year old children should be dating.

Is or was? I see my prose is about to jump the tense again. I might change "Our tree house was/is..." to something like "My dad built our tree house in the shape of..."

Agree on the "that". Surprised my friend in the Sates didn't pick that one up. She's usually all over my gratuitous use of the word "that".

I'll see what I can do to make mum's imaginary pregnancy easier to understand.

The council infodump? Hmmm. *Thinks hard, comes up empty.*

Nobody likes to feel they have a chainsaw up their nose. Make it clearer, and maybe another similie or metaphor or whatnot.

I think that just about covers it.

[David Evil Overlord]

Originally Posted by alchemist

Hi DEO,
Just to confuse the issue, I really liked the sentence that Bowler1 didn't.

Overall, I like it. My one issue with writing like this is that when it comes to action, the wise-assery and the metaphors can get in the way and make it difficult to follow. This isn't an issue so far, so it may be just something to look out for. The paragraph about jasmine was maybe a bit too far -- it wasn't that relevant to the story, and wasn't as clever as Dad and the invisible tree house.

Also, I know you said her nose was weakened already but I think it unlikely she could break it in the way you've described.

But in general, very good. It should make a good novel.

Thanks, Alc. The problem with her nose is she's already hurt it earlier in the day. She sort of...um, didn't quite leap that tall building in a single bound.

The jasmine/baby-sister was meant to keep the apparent unreliability of the narrator before the reader's eyes. Too much?

[alchemist]

Originally Posted by David Evil Overlord

Thanks, Alc. The problem with her nose is she's already hurt it earlier in the day. She sort of...um, didn't quite leap that tall building in a single bound.

The jasmine/baby-sister was meant to keep the apparent unreliability of the narrator before the reader's eyes. Too much?

I think you could take it out and the story would be no weaker. Only an opinion, mind.

Oh, what's a baseliner?

[springs]

Oh, that brought up something else I was thinking, and I'm not sure it's a problem but there is a bit of jargon that I didn't fully pick up on this side of the pond - that was one. (but I used the term grizzle for a complaining newborn and apparently it didn't translate the other way, so it happens).

[David Evil Overlord]

Baseliner, as we find out later in the story, is a bit of super hero slang. It comes from "baseline" human, the kind with no super powers or special abilities. It's kind of offensive, like "mudblood" in Harry Potter. She really shouldn't be using that word, not even in her head.

But when you see the kind of day the poor girl has just had...

[alchemist]

In that case, good word. It makes me more intrigued now.