(More) dialogue punctuation questions

[Hex]

Hello -- I have some questions about dialogue punctuation. I'm still not always clear on what's okay and what isn't...

Are these okay as they are (punctuation-wise):

"Don't worry." His voice was very quiet, strained.

and:

"You need to leave!"

"Threats will make no difference." The footsteps retreated.

[should the footsteps be after a paragraph break? the owner of them is the person speaking, but obviously they're not.]

[Anne Lyle]

The punctuation looks fine to me.

As for the paragraph break, I would put one in. If the dialogue and action are more or less simultaneous, then they can stay on one line, but I think that the footsteps retreating is more dramatic if there's a paragraph break.

Try reading it out loud. As a simple rule of thumb, if the second sentence follows smoothly on from the first, leave them on the same line, but if you instinctively pause, put a paragraph break in there.

Compare your example with:

"You need to leave!"
"Threats will make no difference." Her lips twisted into a cruel smile.

It takes a moment to turn and walk away, but no time at all to turn a snark into a smile

[Hex]

Thank you

One day I'll get this dialogue stuff sorted. One day...

[I, Brian]

Originally Posted by Hex

Hello -- I have some questions about dialogue punctuation. I'm still not always clear on what's okay and what isn't...

Are these okay as they are (punctuation-wise):

"Don't worry." His voice was very quiet, strained.

and:

"You need to leave!"

"Threats will make no difference." The footsteps retreated.

[should the footsteps be after a paragraph break? the owner of them is the person speaking, but obviously they're not.]

Those all look fine, with the following caveat on the second example:

1. Both lines of dialogue should be different people.
2. Any action directly following speech in a paragraph should belong to that person, unless clearly indicated otherwise through POV use.

[Hex]

That's okay -- all those things are so.

I do wonder how much dialogue one can mix with action in one paragraph. Is that just style/ clarity or are there rules?

Is this okay, for example?

"Feels wrong this. Didn't want to ask you." His voice was brusque and embarrassed, the smile I had liked so much was missing. "It's the Foxes again. Ines said you could maybe help with that – with who's done it." He scratched his head and looked at me dubiously. "Hope you've a strong stomach. There's a body round the corner."

[Anne Lyle]

I think an occasional block like that would be OK. Ultimately it's up to your editor, though there's usually room for negotiation

[Ursa major]

Although an editor may not like the way you've joined two sentences together with a comma, Hex.

[Anne Lyle]

Ooh, yes - well spotted on the comma splice. You can get away with that sort of thing in dialogue; narrative, not so much, unless it's part of the voice and you can keep it under tight control.

[Hex]

Gak.

A comma splice is not vey nice (I hear that they can give you lice).

I'm going to start. Punctuating at random. It's the only. Way I'll ever. Avoid. Them.

[Toby Frost]

Why not? It works for William Shatner!

[TheTomG]

Best laugh of the day! Thanks Toby

[Hex]

I was just reading a thing by DBC Pierre in The Guardian (it's here). He was writing about dialogue and he did this:

"By the time I left the pub," Richard lifted the blind: "I could barely see them."

Is that okay? I had absorbed from somewhere (possibly a dream) that it was Bad to break a sentence of dialogue without using a dialogue tag. So:

"By the time I left the pub," Richard said, lifting the blind, "I could barely see them."

But are both okay?

[Culhwch]

I think it's fine to break the dialogue without using an attribution tag. I wouldn't have used the colon, however. It may be acceptable, but I wouldn't do it.

[springs]

On a personal level I understood the second, but I had an odd vision of Richard trying to lift someone who was blind when I read the first, so i obviously need the conventional punctuation to understand such things!

[Abernovo]

Pierre's usage would have given my English teacher kittens, but it's not the first time I've seen that style. I think there's a little leeway given for literary styling, SO LONG AS you can pull it off and it's understandable.

Also, to me, I get the feeling of a pause in the speech by the way Pierre writes Richard lifting the blind. Kind of a what is not being written is as important as what is - if that makes sense to anyone other than me. Personally, I don't like the colon, but...

Your example is also quite correct and has the merit that it would not have earned you a board rubber being cast in your direction at high speed (she was a scary woman, my English teacher).