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Old 15th October 2011, 08:04 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Re: 2000th post

Many thanks ctg and Percival! The narrrator to the whole story is Garryd, it's written in close 1st person, and because I've pulled this out of chapter six, a lot of what is hidden in this excerpt is revealed previously. But suggestions and critiques always help me to see how I could do it more effectively, and I really appreciate it.

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By Percival
This is only my third attempt at critique, so apologies if the form is wrong. Hopefully some of it was useful anyway!
Hell, if that's only your third attempt at a critique, it's very helpful!! Great job - especially my use of words and the context I use them in. Back to the writing board....
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Old 15th October 2011, 09:30 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Re: 2000th post

Hi Boneman well, this is my first attempt, and I'm certainly not going to set the world on fire after all the feedback you've had. I really liked the piece, I thought it was vivid, well described and the first person voice added a speed and impetus I liked.

I thought the sentence beginning "The tension rose with the protracted ones" read slightly clumsily, and I reread it a few times, and I think it's to do with the word was pulling it out of it's tense, perhaps.

The sentence structure's short style gave an immediacy, although the one beginning "But something was" came across a little truncated.

I didn't want to start breaking down in too much detail, as you have a lot of that, but overall the piece read well, quick and snappy; I did get a little lost in all the names, though.

The description of the marquee was very good, but I did wonder if I would have liked it a little earlier.

Oh, and it definitely made me want to read on, so I think that's the key thing? Oh, and I liked the first person character, although I'm a bit worried given the cliff hanger that's not going to be a good thing...

Take care Springs
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Old 16th October 2011, 01:29 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Re: 2000th post

Yeah, now it's been pointed out to me, it is rather 'wordy' isn't it? So easy to see when ohters point it out, so difficult to see when you've written it! Glad you liked it, and the cliff-hanger has been coming for six chapters, and I'm pleased with the way it goes. It's Garryd's first time in the marquee - you only get to see the inside at your assessment/selection...
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