Quick Fire Questions (A Place to Ask and Answer)

[RJM Corbet]

Originally Posted by allmywires

... I'm going to be wacky and throw a semicolon in there (correctly or not...)

It's right, I think? It separates two complete sentences? But then why not use two sentences?

Perhaps there's just too much in this sentence? Does it need the getting off and reboarding?

Otherwise it's easy to fit the 'supposed' into HB's:

Jenn supposed she had navigated the London Underground successfully, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

[Mouse]

Ooh. I think that's the closest to what I'm after so far, allmywires. (Seriously, re-write my manuscript!)

[allmywires]

Glad I could help now if only I could edit my own stuff to the same standard...

[RJM Corbet]

Originally Posted by Mouse

Ooh. I think that's the closest to what I'm after so far, allmywires. (Seriously, re-write my manuscript!)

Oh, allmywires is SO clever, allmywires is SO smart ... but can she navigate the tube?

[allmywires]

Originally Posted by RJM Corbet

Oh, allmywires is SO clever, allmywires is SO smart ... but can she navigate the tube?

I've been known to venture into the smoky arteries of Londontown in the past...

EDIT: ooh, 100 posts! yikes, that went fast!

[Mouse]

Originally Posted by RJM Corbet

Oh, allmywires is SO clever, allmywires is SO smart ... but can she navigate the tube?

Alright sarky-drawers!



You know, I was looking at this version: Jenn had successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

and thinking, yeah... now if I just move the successfully... then realised that's where I was in the first place just with one less comma.

How about if I just stick a full stop after underground, then leave the rest the same?

[allmywires]

Like 'Jenn had navigated the London Underground. Successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.'?

Could work, I suppose, but I think I prefer the one I suggested to be honest.

[RJM Corbet]

Having successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, Jenn now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

(Now my brain's melting ...)

[Abernovo]

Jenn had successfully navigated the London Underground, she supposed, as despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

Coming late to the party, as per, I thought I'd put my two pen'orth in. I moved the 'as' (highlighted). It seemed to make more sense when I read it out to myself. You've probably fixed it how you want by now, anyway.

[Warren_Paul]

Timezones suck. I miss all the topics I can help with.

Originally Posted by allmywires

She realised that was incredibly hungry, the smell of roasted meats drifting in from outside.

or

The smell of roasted meats drifted in from outside, and she realised she was incredibly hungry.

I'm at a crossroads...

Probably already sorted, but I'll give my two cents anyway. The first one, as has been pointed out, flows illogically, but I don't like either of them, sorry. I'd have made them two separate sentences and included some bodily reaction in the second sentence to tell us how she realised she was hungry when she smelt it. But that's just me...

Originally Posted by Mouse

I too, have a sentence niggle. I thought this was a pretty sound sentence, but somebody's just told me it took her two reads to get it. This is it:

Jenn had navigated the London Underground, successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

I'm with Springs original comment on this, Mouse. I'm afraid that once I hit 'as she now' I expect it to be a new sentence. I'd move the end to the beginning myself, but maybe that's just me.

Jenn at last sat inside the bus shelter, just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold's Talent Agency. She had navigated the London Underground successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board.

[Ursa major]

Jenn had navigated the London Underground, successfully, she supposed, despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, as she now sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.

The meat of these words is, really:

Jenn sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew to be Herold's Talent Agency.

The bit about faffing about on the Tube is added colour and, I suppose, showing the reader that Jenn is distracted by something**. Is this "something" already known to the reader? Or will it be revealed? I hope it's one of these, because otherwise, I'm not sure the Tube-faffing is adding much to the story.


** - Given that most inner-city Tube stations are below ground***, and so anyone alighting from a train cannot see that they've got off at the wrong station (and thus they have to deduce this by noticing the station name isn't what they'd expected), Jenn must have known the station she required before she got on the train. I can't think of anything, other than being distracted (by her thoughts or by someone/something she saw), that would cause her to get off too early.

*** - Though some on the cut-and-cover lines may, I believe, be open to the sky.

[David Evil Overlord]

Originally Posted by Ursa major

T

** - Given that most inner-city Tube stations are below ground***, and so anyone alighting from a train cannot see that they've got off at the wrong station (and thus they have to deduce this by noticing the station name isn't what they'd expected), Jenn must have known the station she required before she got on the train. I can't think of anything, other than being distracted (by her thoughts or by someone/something she saw), that would cause her to get off too early.

Sometimes (not very often, but it does happen) the automated announcement gets out-of-synch with reality. It tells you you're arriving at Camberwell station, so you arrive and you get off, only to discover you're actually at Auburn station. One stop too soon. Curse you, automated voice!

[Interference]

Despite getting off at the wrong stop and having to re-board, Jenn had navigated the London Underground, she supposed, successfully, considering that now she sat inside a bus shelter just across the road from a grey-bricked building she knew housed Herold’s Talent Agency.


I know, I know, the book's already been published and the critics are raving about your style and the "navigated successfully" sentence is being quoted by your devoted acolytes throughout the civilised world, but this is how I'd've done it had I a tenth of the talent I pretend to have

[fishii]

How do you write omnisciently? Because I am writing a short story with both a male and a female POV character.

[Abernovo]

You narrate it as if you're a god, basically, able to see everything. He did this. What he didn't know was that she was doing that, at exactly the same time. (A poor example, but hopefully it makes sense.) The narrator knows everything in the universe of the novel.

How close are the POVs? Omniscience is normally the province of third person, I think.