Morgause

[svalbard]

This is an excerpt from my WIP on a story about King Arthur. The part here is an earlier piece and deals with the wedding of Arthur's sister to King Lot. Observations on Morgause's voice would be appreciated.







RHEGED


A pall of smoke lay over the feasting hall. Loud voices, intoxicated with drink, rung out in the stuffy closeness. A miasma of smells hung in the air, from vomit to the stench of burned boar. Barbaric, thought Morgause, looking at the slumped figure of the man she had just being joined to in wedlock. Lot lay crumpled across the feasting table, his tunic stained with the residue of food and mead. His head rested in a drying pool of spilled mead and drool dripped from the corner of his mouth as he snored loudly. Earlier in the day he had appeared to her young eyes like some golden hero from the tales spun by the bards at her Uncle’s court. He had even managed some broken words in Latin, a gesture she was thankful for.


She glanced across at her Uncle Ambrosius who was deep in conversation with King Urien. As ever a feeling of loathing filled her at the sight of him, but she secretly feared the coming day when he would leave her alone with these northern barbarians. Since the death of Uthyr, two years past, Ambrosius had warned her that this day would come. She was a tool to be used at his will. He was cold, her Uncle, so unlike Uthyr. During those two long years at his court Morgause had done all in her power to make life miserable for the tutors that Ambrosius had put over her. Not because of any need to invite punishment, but she knew her own intellect and it was far beyond the slaves that were set to teach her Latin and reading. For this she had received numerous beatings, some of them at the hands of Ambrosius himself.


There had never being a time when he had shown any kindness or gentleness towards her. It was something that puzzled her young mind. She had witnessed Ambrosius show generosity to the lowest slave, but never to her. Always a cold look, a perfunctory nod of the head or a curt word in her direction. From the day she entered Ambrosius’s court she had dreamed of having her own hall with courtiers who would bow and do her will. Her Uncle’s court was a place of warriors and little comfort. His wealth went to feeding and arming his war-band. Everyone else was considered a nuisance to be put up with and that included her. Once she had challenged him on why he treated her with such cruelty. His words would live with here for the rest of her days.


“I see it now. Yes, you are your Father’s child. His colouring and temper, they are all there. You would do well to school your moods for they killed your Father in the end. Ever jumping into the fire without using his brain!”


She heeded Ambrosius and began to look at her surroundings with new eyes. For hours she would pour over the few books in her Uncle’s library. Morgause had a talent for reading, quickly learning the Latin script and soon surpassing her tutors. The beatings from Ambrosius stopped and at times Morgause thought she caught a look of appreciation, even respect from her Uncle. But never a kind word!


Ambrosius looked over Urien’s shoulder and caught her looking at him. A few more words were shared with the King of Rheged and then he was rising and coming towards her. Morgause looked down at Lot, a feeling of the utmost misery overcoming her. He was going to gloat, her Uncle, and she had not the will or the confidence to challenge him. Ambrosius stopped by Lot and leant against the back of the chair. A look at her husband, and how she knew that dismissive look, and then he was bending on knee to her.


“ Well, girl, here is your future,” he said, his voice low. Was there a hint of concern in it? Morgause pushed her own chair back so that she could hear and see her Uncle better. His sharp, angular, features would seem impassive to most, but to Morgause he looked uneasy.


“ He is nothing! When you bed him and finally birth a son, he will be even less. Remember this, girl and you will prosper. Use your head as you did in my house and you will have nothing to fear,” Ambrosius said.


Without waiting for a reply and ignoring the stunned look on her face he rose and roaring in his battlefield voice called the hall to his attention.


“The Bedding! It is time, my Lords!”


The call was taking up across the hall. Lot’s chieftains pushed forward to rouse their lord. In vain. Morgause, sober and regal looking, stood up. She looked about at faces who were addled with beer and wine. Ambrosius standing at her shoulder, for which she would forever be thankful for, glared at any fool who attempted to lift her of her feet to carry her towards the bridal bower.


“Walk, lass, lead the way. Allow Lot to be carried, but you lead,” Ambrosius said, again surprising her with the tenderness in his voice. As they walked through the loud and excited crowd he continued to talk.


“They will remember how you went to your marriage bed with a new husband who could not even raise his head let alone…”

[I, Brian]

I really like this - there's strength in the character's voice, and there's obviously a rich background of research to make this an attempt at an authentic Arthur figure as opposed to grapsing at cliches, which is very refreshing.

There are a couple of minor niggles:

1. You mention the word "mead" twice in short succession early on - you may wish to replace the first instance with "drink". May even replace "food" with "juices" to make it slightly stronger as no doubt the food stains will be primarily from greasy meats and boiled fish.

2. There is a danger of anachronisms (ie, objects being used in the wrong time period). You mention "chairs" but in this period I was under the impression that only a king would have a "chair" (and call it a "throne") while normal people would be seated on stools or benches (note that benches used to be called something else - bores, I think?).

I'm not sure if that's because I misunderstand the context of the scene, your intentions, or misremember my history, though.

Also, this sentence stood out: "she knew her own intellect and it was far beyond the slaves that were set to teach her Latin and reading" which I found surprising, considering that any continuity from the Roman period would make people who knew Latin as scholars, and therefore figures of respect, and probably costly, too. How man of learning have become slaves I'm not sure (perhaps captured moneks? But would these not have been Britons and therefore not enemies?), but considering the period would not be surprising it could happen - but mentally I felt something was missing here in terms of the characters of the slaves and their context.

Minor thoughts, though, and really liked the Welsh references to give an air of the authentic to what I personally thought was a piece with a strong voice.

Simply my own opinion, though, and not a very educated one when it comes to fiction.

[thaddeus6th]

The sense of isolation is well done (both in terms of past and present/future). I think a few more of Morgause's thoughts on her present situation would help build on this. However, what you've written so far does convey a combination of loneliness, defiance and contempt.

Finickity suggestion: how about 'dribbled' instead of 'dripped' in the first paragraph? It's basically the same meaning but seems a little more insulting.

I think 'pour' should be 'pore'.

I like the combination of Roman and Celtic names, and the piece generally.

[svalbard]

Brian,

I pondered over two of your points even as I wrote the piece. The 'chairs' will have to go. I wasn't comfortable using the word. The use of slaves as teachers was another one I thought long and hard about. In earlier times educated slaves were used as tutors, but in the era I am writing about, you are correct. Yet, I have decided to leave it in. It is to do with a later story line. Thanks for the critique. It is much appreciated.

Thadd,

Thanks for your input. 'dribbled' does have a better ring to it and you are correct on the spelling. Good spot. Thanks again.

[alchemist]

Good point at which to end it

I have little of help, because I thought it was excellent. On my first read, I noticed the "mead" issue, and would have preferred "dribbled". That's just quibbling, because it reads easily and clearly, and makes the protagonist sympathetic without over-egging her isolation.

Just one thing; I presume this is from the body of the work rather than the beginning? If so, fine. If it's an opening, then I think it delves into the backstory too soon.

Good work!

[I, Brian]

svalbard, no worries on the slave issue - it was something that piqued my mind as a I read it, but I appreciate that we're reading out of context to the overall plot development.

[The Spurring Platty]

Start of third paragraph:

There had never being a time when he had shown any kindness or gentleness towards her.

'been'?

I certainly don't presume to be a critic, but this jumped out at me so I thought I'd bring it to your attention.
I did enjoy the read though.

[Blackrook]

This bedding is not going to be very eventful. When Morgause wakes up, she'll still be a virgin.

[psychotick]

Hi,

I liked this, thought it was well written, and it did convey a lot about the people. I thought maybe there needed to be a bit more about the scene, something to describe the hall where they were feasting, but maybe that came before the start of this excerpt.

I found the bit about her relationship with her uncle a little confusing at times. Why did she give the slave tutors a hard time? If she was so bright then surely she'd know it would result in a beating and not do it. I also didn't understand why it did upset her uncle.

Now the next bit confused me a little as well:

“I see it now. Yes, you are your Father’s child. His colouring and temper, they are all there. You would do well to school your moods for they killed your Father in the end. Ever jumping into the fire without using his brain!”

First her uncle's metaphor, surely it should be - instead of using his brain, after all what's the point of jumping into the fire if you don't have to.

She heeded Ambrosius and began to look at her surroundings with new eyes. For hours she would pour over the few books in her Uncle’s library. Morgause had a talent for reading, quickly learning the Latin script and soon surpassing her tutors. The beatings from Ambrosius stopped and at times Morgause thought she caught a look of appreciation, even respect from her Uncle. But never a kind word!

The issue with this next piece is that as far as I can tell she's looking back so the tense needs to be changed to reflect this - She'd heeded Ambrosius and begun to look etc. Also why the exclamation mark after word? Given what's already been said about him and her this doesn't seem surprising in the least.

As to the slaves bit others have mentioned, I'm no historian but slaves seems more a Roman thing. Britain I thought under feudal law had serfs, granted not a great deal of difference, and as for the educated tutors, surely you don't educate slaves. Wouldn't they be retainers of some sort? But again, I'm no expert when it comes to British history / myth.

Hope that helps, and again I did find it quite captivating.

Cheers.

[svalbard]

Hi Psycho,

That sounds odd

First off we will look at slavery. It was a common thing up until the Norman conquest where it expaned into serdom/villainage. How educated the slaves were is an open question. Romans bought Greek slaves to educate their children. Did a Romano-British ruler do this in the 5th century? Who knows, but as I said to Brian earlier, it is important for the story and I also think I am on fairly solid ground.

Description - Yes, more can be done here on the visual front. My problem is that I try to tell a story through dialogue and the pov of a character. A failng I am working on.

I thought I was clear on her father, Uthyr's character. Again it is context. His charcater is explained beforehand. Back to what you can(or want) to post.

Thanks psycho, great comments.

P.S.

Blackrook,

Virgin is as Virgin does!

[Kiercoria99]

Loud voices, intoxicated with drink, rung (rang) out in the stuffy closeness. Barbaric, thought Morgause, looking at the slumped figure of the man she had just being (been) joined to in wedlock.
Everyone else was considered a nuisance to be put up with (including) her.
(In this one instance) She (had) heeded Ambrosius and began to look at her surroundings with new eyes.

The transition from how cold A is and M treating her tutors poorly doesn't flow well. I don't see how that helps her case with A = he would treat her better. Place in later paragraph showing her rebellion as response to his coldness.

As a reader, I'd prefer you stick with her wedding thoughts and how Lot could look like a hero to her one moment and a barbarian the next. I can only assume she's never met him before so would like to know if she heard anything about him that would foster that idea or if not, if it was by appearance alone, then see that more through her eyes.
The writing skips to her Uncle issues in a way that removes her present situation beyond her being a pawn for A. It might flow better if we understand more of the politics behind the match, unless it is a spite match, which would make her Uncle issues more relevant at this time.

Slow down and revel in the scene and all the ingredients that made it happen. I feel like I'm only getting the highlights, only skipping along the surface, instead of diving into the moment.
If some or all of this has been covered in earlier areas of the story, then ignore.

[carlos]

this is very well written just wondering have you published any of your works svalbard?

[svalbard]

Hi carlos,

I have one short story published, but for my main work, unfortunately no. Thanks for asking.

Kiercoria,

Points noted. Some are already actioned. The excerpt has expanded.

[terryweide]

You have the tone and the mood for a piece like this down pretty well. It's easy to imagine this environment and world. You also do a good job with the characterization. I already have a strong sense of who the characters are and what they are like. I also think the piece gets stronger as it goes along.

My only criticism is that it's a little adjective heavy, especially in the first few lines. For example, "pall of smoke," "rung," "stuffy closeness," "miasma of smells," etc. Some of these descriptives are good, and some could be trimmed to make things tighter. I'd at least get rid of "stuffy" in front of "closeness." You walk a fine line with adjectives and adverbs between having just the right amount to make your writing interesting and overdoing them.

Having said that, I enjoyed what's here. It's a very good excerpt and it held my interest. Nice work.