Improving our 75 Word Stories -- READ FIRST POST

[TheDustyZebra]

Originally Posted by The Judge

And despite my caveats, another clever story, well handled. Well done.

Originally Posted by Mouse

TDZ- I really liked yours and was understanding it... until that last line.

Oh, and thanks!

[mosaix]

And The Rest is alt.history


“It’s their own fault. They should’ve treated me better, shown a bit of respect. Bits of me scattered halfway across the galaxy and not a word of concern.

Well, I’ve found a new friend. They don’t know yet. In fact he asked me to keep it a secret, just between the two of us. He looks a bit odd, but I was taught never to go by appearances.

Anyway, Darth took me on one side…

This story was (in my mind anyway ) written in the worried/complaining/exaggerating conversational style of C3P0.

My challenge style seems to have developed into half-deceiving the reader until the last line of a story then finishing with a slight twist. With this alternate history story I was hoping to surprise the reader with denouement that C3P0 had been turned to the dark side. But, of course, that depends on the reader understanding in the first place that it was C3P0 who was talking...

[Moonbat]

ah! C3P0, I didn't see that. Obviously I got the Darth reference to Starwars, but I didn't make the link. Very clever Mosaix.

[HareBrain]

I got C3PO, but I thought the friend was R2D2! No wonder I couldn't get it to make sense.

For me, it might have been clearer if you'd used "sinister" instead of "odd". On the other hand, it might only have been the clue to R2D2 that convinced me it was C3PO in the first place. Tricky ...

(Also, "Vader" instead of "Darth" might have been clearer, and prevented possible confusion with characters from the prequels. And isn't "Darth" a kind of title?)

[Mouse]

I thought it was Anakin Skywalker. (Doesn't he have a robotic arm?)

Hey, at least I got Star Wars!

[GreenKidx]

I actually got the C3PO vibe but I didn't realize it was intentional...

[alchemist]

I thought it was about C3PO, although wasn't certain. Also, this line...

Anyway, Darth took me on one side…

Should it be "Anyway, Darth took me to one side…"?

The original gave me all sorts of connotations.

[Mouse]

Thanks for those disturbing mental images!!

[alchemist]

They'll stay with you for weeks, trust me.

[Ursa major]

I hadn't realised that the narrator was C3PO, but now I know, it seems so obvious (what with the "bits of me scattered" comment).

To be fair, it's very hard to know how to pitch these things. If one gives every clue but the name, it can seem heavy-handed** (and can lead to the comment, "Why didn't you just say who it was?"); this is would be particularly pointed given the few words one has to tell the whole tale and the reader thinks you've wasted many if not most of them. On the other hand, say too little and no-one but the author knows what it's about.



** - Or suggesting that the readers are ignoramuses (which is not the ideal way to garner votes).

[mosaix]

Originally Posted by alchemist

Should it be "Anyway, Darth took me to one side…"?

The original gave me all sorts of connotations.

You know, Alchemist, about three days after I posted the thing the very same thing occurred to me. But it was far too late by then.

[mosaix]

Originally Posted by Ursa major

To be fair, it's very hard to know how to pitch these things. If one gives every clue but the name, it can seem heavy-handed** (and can lead to the comment, "Why didn't you just say who it was?"); this is would be particularly pointed given the few words one has to tell the whole tale and the reader thinks you've wasted many if not most of them. On the other hand, say too little and no-one but the author knows what it's about.

This is, of course, the problem UM. It's sooooo obvious to the author that he/she can't see the wood for the trees.

Still, that's what the challenge is all about - learning from your mistakes and improving your writing.

Thanks, everyone, for your comments.

[MstrTal]

Feline Force Five
(Lost Pilot)

[External aerial view: Cybernetic Lynx’s mid-transformation]


“Red Lynx, Yellow Lynx form the arms and I shall form the torso and. . .” a sudden explosion interrupts the stream of commands as the Black Lynx explodes.



[Split View, Close-up Cybernetic Lynx’s cockpit: Pilots faces]


“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Fours shocked voices raise in unified grief.



[External View: Wide angle]


Lazer rifle smoking the giant robotic teddy bear turns and ponderously trudges toward to cybernetic lynx’s castle in the distance.

I know I screwed up the last line grammatically but I am curious seeing as I have never written anything in this format before what people think. I mean I had fun with it and all but was it improperly formatted for a script, was it distracting to read, was it amusing, so on and so forth. It was based off of the original Voltron carton. (Go Lions Go if your an Otaku )

[mosaix]

Originally Posted by MstrTal

but was it improperly formatted for a script, was it distracting to read, was it amusing, so on and so forth.

I think those were the last things on my mind, MstrTal. First and foremost I just didn't understand it. Honestly, I tried and even now that you've explained that was based on a cartoon I still don't think I understand it.

And even if I did, does it fit one of the fundamental rules of the Challenge - that it should tell a story?

[Culhwch]

I got the Voltron reference, but I have to side with mosaix on this one - I couldn't really pin down a narrative point. Was there a significance to the foe being a teddy bear? An inside joke forgotten in the years since I last saw a Voltron cartoon? I actually thought it may have been a reference to Ursa - references to the Chrons and its inhabitants being a somewhat recurring theme in these challenges - but still couldn't make sense of it...

When you only have seventy-five words to play with, I don't think you can afford to worry if it is improperly formatted for a script. It was close enough that it was fairly unmistakable. The bigger issue for me was the aforementioned story element, and the grammatical errors that you have already noted. It was an interesting way to approach the challenge, but was let down in the execution.