[Workshop] Engage me quickly!

[RJM Corbet]

I hope she kicks him in the ...

[RJM Corbet]

The saloon doors burst open. The man who entered was big enough to block the sunlight from outside.

"It's my husband." Lucille's red fingernails bit into my arm.

For a minute I knew I was dead.

But he was weeping.

"You picked a fine time to leave me," he said.

[monsterchic]

As I sat tied in the small wooden chair, he advanced toward me.
"Stay away from me," I spat in the iciest voice i could manage.
"No."
It was then that I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die at this man's hand, but not without a fight...


(For more, go to my blog... I'm working on it)

[RJM Corbet]

Originally Posted by monsterchic

... (For more, go to my blog... I'm working on it)

Doesn't sound like it would appeal to me, if it's more of the same?

[monsterchic]

Originally Posted by RJM Corbet

Doesn't sound like it would appeal to me, if it's more of the same?

Well, I don't know your tastes exactly, but if you have any suggestions for me I would appreciate them.

[RJM Corbet]

Originally Posted by monsterchic

Well, I don't know your tastes exactly, but if you have any suggestions for me I would appreciate them.

I'm just not personally into that type of horror. Some people are. The Texas Chainsaw sort of stuff. Brrrr ...

[monsterchic]

Originally Posted by RJM Corbet

I'm just not personally into that type of horror. Some people are. The Texas Chainsaw sort of stuff. Brrrr ...

I'm not either, but for some reason, I enjoy reading and writing about it... just can't watch it in movies.

[Flugel Meister]

I woke to the sound of shuffling. It was a disjointed but constant sound that quietly echoed its way through the house, accompanied by the occasional moan, grunt or laboured breath. Oh no. Someone’s in the house.

[Abernovo]

My two efforts:

With only moonlight to guide him, Andrew Carter walked into his father's study for the first time since his death, careful not to disturb the crime scene tape across the door. Police were still guarding the house. Taking what he had came for, he left, unseen, via the neighbour's garden.


The young Lieutenant took a deep breath before stepping onto the starship bridge. She had stood in similar positions before but never as a ship's captain. The Sprite was not a large vessel, being only a scout, but tasked with forward intelligence gathering, she was vital to the fleet's safety.

[Grizzgreen711]

I waited, my knuckles pale and shaking with terror. Outside, I could hear the claws, the growling, and the agonizing screams for mercy. Blood began to trickle down through the cracks in the door, over its rusty handle. The door rocked wildly in place, and again. Then, the entire door gave way...

[AnyaKimlin]

@Flugeil Meister.

I woke to the sound of shuffling. It was a disjointed but constant sound that quietly echoed its way through the house, accompanied by the occasional moan, grunt or laboured breath. Oh no. Someone’s in the house

This could work well for a children's book. For an older audience personally I would rearrange it a tad: Don't wake up instead just hear the sound - you can get out of bed in the next paragraph, and personally I find Oh. no Somone's in the house a little weak - Someone's in my house would be a tad better - but something along the lines of Who the hell is that? or picking up a heavy object would bring more tension in for me.

@Abernovo

With only moonlight to guide him, Andrew Carter walked into his father's study for the first time since his death, careful not to disturb the crime scene tape across the door. Police were still guarding the house. Taking what he had came for, he left, unseen, via the neighbour's garden.

This is my kind of story you have me hooked - it's a good introduction to the character as well. Only thing is I would (and I know you only had fifty words) like to see it expanded it a tad, add more about how he sneaked past, have him see the policeman etc

The young Lieutenant took a deep breath before stepping onto the starship bridge. She had stood in similar positions before but never as a ship's captain. The Sprite was not a large vessel, being only a scout, but tasked with forward intelligence gathering, she was vital to the fleet's safety.

This one personally has too much information in it you could take longer to tell this instead of fitting a whole story into the fifty words. Like this it is interesting but confusing - why is she in the captain's place when she is a Lieutenant. One solution to that is not refer to her rank until later.

@grizgreen

I waited, my knuckles pale and shaking with terror. Outside, I could hear the claws, the growling, and the agonizing screams for mercy. Blood began to trickle down through the cracks in the door, over its rusty handle. The door rocked wildly in place, and again. Then, the entire door gave way...

Nice tension but my question is who is where?

[AnyaKimlin]

'Quick, I think someone is coming.' The first voice says.
'Crap! Better get dressed. We can say we are having a meeting.' A second voice whispers loudly.
'Yeah, because headteacher's hold all their meetings in cleaning cupboards.'
The janitor sniggers as he turns the handle, and opens the door.

[Flugel Meister]

Try this one.

Being stabbed forty-seven times had felt like hell to Jenny. She was surprised she was still alive and able to move, that she could still draw breath and see as clearly as before. That was the worst part – seeing that sickening, gleeful and twisted face. But she wasn’t dying. She was changing.

Slightly over at 51 words.

[silvermoon]

"There's someone coming," Polly said quietly.
"Finally," Patricia said, "someone shows up..."
The hallway door to the kitchen was pushed open. In the door stood a small, stocky woman with waist length, jet black hair. Only waist high to Patricia, but adult. Her hand dropped to her knife.
"And you are...?"

[kshRox]

The air turned solid creating a barrier between myself and the door. C’mon ol’ man, there’s only family behind it I thought to myself, not like some bugger with a gun waiting to blow me head off. Even so, it took conscious effort to lift my hand to the handle.