[Workshop] Engage me quickly!

[Toby Frost]

I think they're fine, although they do all rely on a punchline at the end that puts the previous sentences in a different light. I'm actually not sure of the value of using this attention-grab technique in everything, but that's not the point of the exercise.

Here is mine.

It was a beautiful day. Mike stepped onto the fifteenth floor with the case in his hand, sweaty from the climb. He opened the nearest door. The office was empty: it had the best view over the road below. The best angle of attack. He opened the case and got to work.

[J Riff]

It's hard to do. (trying to be serious)

Why was the door hanging open? Henry ran the last ten yards and bounded onto the porch. There was no one in the kitchen, and no response to his yells. The house was deserted, though the kettle whistled merrily on the stove. The phone rang.

Hard to get it going without knowing where the story is going.

Henry walked into the foyer and answered the phone.

"Henry? It's Madge. I have to tell you -Get out of the house-now!" It's going to blow up!

" It what?"

"Blow UP!" We couldn't turn the stove off! We called the gas company. Oh, get out Henry!! Get out, before_ *
(50)
Ran out of words, or he may have escaped.

[vector7]

This was the first lines I tried for a failed short story idea. Hope its good.
------

I opened my eyes. A pool of water spread out beneath me reflecting my face and the steel bed. Images from my last 48-hours ghosted before my eyes: guns, mounds of bullets, pools of blood, bodies of civilians and my arres---. I blacked out. A dream started to unravel before my eyes.

[I, Brian]

Originally Posted by ScrambleEggHead

Sorry Chap, but those examples seem rather cliche' to me. Well, if not cliche', at least one dimensional. The style doesn't vary much between those four examples. It's hard to figure what exactly is meant by "dramatic physical events that take over." Perhaps you could give some examples of that problem. In writing, it's extremely hard to give rules for what to do, and almost harder to give rules of what not to do. (IMO)

It's simply a fun little exercise - 50 words is very little time to set up any tension, and there's no need to develop different styles for examples. I am not expecting novels here.

[vector7]

It's simply a fun little exercise - 50 words is very little time to set up any tension, and there's no need to develop different styles for examples. I am not expecting novels here.

That's true. A demanding reader wouldn't like to see a cliche at the start. Will he?? Still, having a nice style and something new would be good. Else it would look like one of the summer hollywood blockbusters...

[BookStop]

The valley, like a colossal cauldron bubbling with hazy brew, hid its contents from the search and rescue helicopters flitting to and fro. Like bees to nectar, the choppers dove in and out of the fog, hoping to part the mist and gain temporary sight of the terrain beneath.

[Precise Calibre]

That one seems like it's just a bit too flowery to evoke the feeling of rescue 'copters and why they're in the area. Kinda like looking at a painted picture of a rescue chopper. Good description, but it doesn't really evoke any emotions for me.

(Half the people putting up entries are ignoring your stipulation of "you walk into a room" :P)

Of course that doesn't stop them from being good, but...'


Cheaters!

[ScrambleEggHead]

Well, at least Bookstop put a new "spin" on walking into a room.

[BookStop]

yeah, the next fifty words describe the room and this, the tv, haha. Maybe should've reworked a bit more

[beadchaser]

This is the first bit I've written that has anything to do with an idea that's been swimming around in my head for a very long time.

Shock and fear replaced Eldon’s smirk. Grabbing Kaillen by her shoulders, he pushed her down.

“Kneel, now!”

Kaillen didn’t question Eldon in the Elven realms, but this was her bedroom. She lunged forward, thrusting into Eldon’s stomach. He somersaulted backwards, and looked up as Oberon strode into the room.

[Challah Rajni]

Cool pieces all around. And thanks, Brian for squeezing something out of me that isn't another incomplete magnum opus. This one's good practice for me as I tend to write pretty things that meander and prefer to stay pretty rather than become exciting.

***

Welcome to Bihar: Economic Superpower

Click-click… Click-click... Done. All the world's money: worthless.

In a cheap sari, a bare room, and India's poorest state, Amu had brute-force hacked every stock exchange, openly. She never locked her door. It groaned open now... Her eyes widened with gleeful rage.

Just wind…

LET THEM COME. Let them come...

[R M Tobias]

"Will you not speak," Temerion challenged the swordsman. "I have travelled far to slay you."

His opponent said nothing, lay one hand on his sword hilt.

"Thirty years is a long time," he said, angry. "But my vengence will be sweet." Termerion drew his sword. The mirror did the same.

[paranoid marvin]

Blindly , he was thrust to his knees. As the hood was removed , his eyes quickly became accustomed to the flickering light, and he studiously inventoried the room. Blood-red walls. Candles. A pentagram. An altar. A knife-wielding robed figure. As he began to struggle , the hood was swiftly replaced.

[My Atomic Tales]

Originally Posted by I, Brian

- Somebody walks into a room.

It can be any genre, any background, but there *must* be a sense of tension driving this.

Additionally, you may write no more than 50 words to convey that tension!

He saw the blood before he even opened the door. His soles were seeped in it. His hand went to his gun as he stepped inside, eyes scanning the apartment with calm abandon even as his finger tensed on the trigger. Aliens. He hated 'em. Didn't bleed red for a start...


(Oops, one word over, but can't figure out which one to excise.)

[Mouse]

You could change "His hand went to his gun" to "His hand touched his gun" And Bob's your uncle and Fanny's your aunt, one word down.