WINDS: Fantasy Excerpt, 1200 words

[J-WO]

Now you mention it, I've seen that sort of material around too. Maybe describe the river as like 'silk of a dull silver'? Or is that just confusing-sounding?

[Teresa Edgerton]

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

a murky old sludgy river and then go on to use it as a delicate adornment or heroin' attire.

You are slandering that river—it's not even on speaking terms with sludge!

(Or do I mean defaming? Must ask TJ.)

And I'll resist the urge to get into a discussion of textiles, which would derail this thread.

Originally Posted by J-WO

Maybe describe the river as like 'silk of a dull silver'? Or is that just confusing-sounding?

Yes, I think that's a bit confusing. I could just say it was like a skein of silver thread (which they did use, thread of actual silver), but I don't think it would be that bright at twilight. Or I could say a tarnished silver thread (also accurate), but I suppose that would look like a mixed metaphor even though it isn't.

[The Procrastinator]

How about: "For a time they followed the course of a dulled-silver river, unreeling like a skein of silk before them..."

Or: "For a time that followed the course of a storm-silver river..."
Or: "For a time they followed the course of a pewter-cast river..."

Personally I'm fine with the dull silver river myself. What I like about that sentence, apart from the image of the dull silver water and the unreeling silk, which I find very evocative, is the grouping of three words in the river description. The three word thing gives the sentence a lovely balance and flow in my whacked out opinion.

[Ursa major]

The problem** seems to arise from using two different metaphors for the appearance of the river:

1. its form: "unreeling like a skein of silk"
2. its colour: "a dull silver ".

One way out of this is to consider that the colour of the river is to some extent determined by the colour of the portion of sky being refelcted.

So

For a time they followed the course of a dull silver river unreeling like a skein of silk below them.

might become

For a time they followed the course of a river that unreeled like a skein of silk below them, its surface reflecting the dull silver sky ahead.

Okay, that still needs a lot of work, but I can't claim to be good with descriptions.


** - Note that this sentence's use of the colour, silver, has never bothered me.

[Vertigo]

Could I just add that I really had no problem with that sentence as it stood and to be honest most of the suggested alternatives read much more awkwardly to me. Both metaphors worked fine for me and gave a pretty vivid picture of the scene.

[The Procrastinator]

Me too.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think I'll probably leave the color of the river alone, then. I was quite fond of that particular sentence until we started picking it apart, and if the color wasn't a problem for other people until J-WO mentioned it, I doubt ordinary (non-critiquing) readers will have a problem either.

(Thanks for bringing it up, though. It's better to discuss these things than to let a possible problem slip by.)

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Yes, definitely leave the river color alone. It didn't bother me at all, and actually, I found it a rather nice picture. Not often are rivers described in such a matter.

[Vertigo]

If it helps any your description kind of put me in mind of this famous Ansell Adams Photo except viewed from a much higher perspective so you can see more "wiggles" in the river:

[The Judge]

That's a beautiful picture, very atmospheric and evocative.

My two cents on the silver river question: it hadn't worried me on a read-through, and the imagery still doesn't (but I've also probably spent too much time in textile shops and among embroidery silks) but looking at it in isolation the "dull" perhaps appears to modify the river rather than the silver. Perhaps a hyphen as TP suggested might just help. (And I'm glad to see I'm not the only person who can spend unconscionable amounts of time worrying a single sentence to death!)

[TheEndIsNigh]

Well in your profession worrying a 'sentence to death' must be part of the daily routine J. And let me guess you also spend time in millinery shops; looking for black caps.

I think Ursa's option 2 was the best.

[Clansman]

Originally Posted by Teresa Edgerton

You are slandering that river—it's not even on speaking terms with sludge!

(Or do I mean defaming? Must ask TJ.)

*Clansman de-lurks*

Since her ladyship is not around, please allow your local (Canadian) barrister to step in and answer:

Slander is a verbal defamation, whereas libel is a written or printed (or posted on-line, nowadays) defamation. For instance, a politician can slander someone in a speech, whereas a newspaper editorial can be libelous. Both are defamatory, so your second answer was correct, but too general. Using the word "libelling" (if it can be used as a adverb) would have been more accurate.

Thus, the old lawyer's joke:

Q: "Is that slander or libel?"
A: "I don't know, it's all defamation to me."

Cheers.

Nice excerpt, and discussion, btw. Been interesting to watch a critique of a published author.

*Clansman goes back into lurk mode*

[The Judge]

Ah-ha. I was around, Clanny, but I was too busy commissioning my latest black cap (very nice shantung silk) to give the in-depth answer provided.

[Clansman]

Originally Posted by The Judge

Ah-ha. I was around, Clanny, but I was too busy commissioning my latest black cap (very nice shantung silk) to give the in-depth answer provided.

"...and may the Lord have mercy upon your soul."

I have always thought that the English court has a real flair for ceremony on solemn occasions.