Short story introduction

[The Judge]

If it's coming to you in first person, roll with it. As Boneman will tell you, it's an invaluable way for getting inside a character's skin.

I think you're right to separate the two stories. Good luck with both of them.

[Kayleigh]

Hello,

I enjoyed your story, and I like the idea of exploring issues of childbirth more. As TJ said, if it were about colony, you should start it right there when they land, and then explain the rest.

As to the first part of the story, I feel like there's no conflict, and it makes dialog boring and unnatural. Make them more emotional, add some drama. And if you have to show them drinking tea, or doing other routine, you could use this to show how their world is different from our own.

Keep it up, I'd like to see where you get with it

[Vertigo]

Thanks for that Kayleigh, I just know that emotion and drama are going to be difficult for me. I don't tend to be very emotional IRL. But I shall work on it. Right now I think I need to get a much clearer idea of a plot before I do anything else. So I'm just giving the old grey cells a bit of a work out now!

[Vertigo]

Here's a new attempt. I have dropped the colony idea to focus on the childbirth angle but it is still set in the same future. I have moved to a completely new scene for the start and the man is now the doctor. Nothing against women doctors you understand, I just don't feel up to trying to write a woman's POV that's all .

I would also add that I'm not sure I have the skills to continue this where I would have it going. Very sensitive and emotive topic!

************************

"What's the emergency?" Ian had just arrived and was observing the efficient bustle of preparatory activity.

"There's been a multi-vehicle accident near the city centre," said the A&E sister. A quiet centre to the orderly storm surrounding her. "We're expecting around fifteen casualties in the next ten minutes or so. Rooms are being prepped and we are calling in a couple of extra doctors."

"How the hell could something like that have happened?"

The sister pulled a face. "Apparently some hotshot wanted to impress his friends, hacked his cars safety system and took it out of urban auto-control. His reaction time wasn't up to it and they found themselves in the middle of an eight car pile up."

"Damn! How bad?"

"Mostly minor; cuts, bruises, shock, a few broken bones but there are a few more serious cases with possible internal injuries."

Ten minutes later and the victims started arriving in a noisy convoy of hospital trolleys. Ian's first patient was whisked into his treatment room by two paramedics.

"Closed fracture of the tibia, no apparent displacement. Some shock."

The paramedic's terse summary told Ian there was no immediate cause for alarm but his eyes widened as he took in the patient's young age.

The introduction of the first rejuvenation treatments over a century ago had forced the world's governments into uniting behind the childbirth laws. No one knew just how long a life could be stretched but everyone knew that population control was now essential. One death, one birth. It was one of the most strictly enforced laws of modern times. You could leave your life to another in your will but, with rejuvenation and modern genetic medicine, death was now much less frequent. So children were rare… very rare and this girl can't have been more than fourteen or fifteen.

His momentary pause was hidden by the paramedics gently lifting her from the trolley to the treatment couch.

"Right," he began awkwardly, he couldn't have spoken to more than two or three children in the last sixty years, "let's get you fixed up. We'll have you out of here in no time. My name's Ian," he added, cringing inwardly at how he must sound, "And what shall we call you?"

She just looked at him; distrustful, maybe even fearful.

A shrug from one the paramedics. "Hasn't spoken a word since we picked her up".

Ian raised his eyebrows, but decided to press on with the examination. Time enough to worry about that when things have calmed down. "Jenny, can you take a quick gene sample for me, while I get the scanner ready."

His nurse collected the sampler and came over to the couch taking the girl's arm. She spoke soothingly, "Don't worry it's completely painless, just a little scraping of skin…. There, all done." And to Ian, "I'll just be a minute with this, Doctor."

One of the paramedics held the door for the nurse and following her out they paused at the wave of sound from outside; shouts and doors slamming. Noticing the girl's increased anxiety, Ian called out to the departing medics, "What's with all the noise out there?"

"There's some guy storming about from room to room. Looks like he's headed this way. Want us to stick around?"

"Please." And to the girl's obvious fear, "don't worry you're completely safe. No one will harm you." But she just shook her head and then stared, wide eyed, as a big, heavily built man burst into the room. Scratches and a bruise above his right eye suggested he was one of the accident victims but he seemed otherwise unharmed.

His eyes fixed angrily on the girl. "There you are, come on get off that thing. You're coming with me. Right now!" Her face now betrayed outright terror.

As the paramedics quickly moved between the big man and the couch, Ian stepped forward; "Excuse me! This young girl is not going anywhere until her leg has been treated and we're happy she is not suffering from shock."

"I'm her father and she comes with me now!" He tried unsuccessfully to barge past the paramedics.

Ian bristled at the man's bully tactics. "Her leg is broken and if you are responsible for her, I would appreciate it if you would wait by the reception desk, where you will be informed of her progress."

He tried to pass the paramedics again but they weren't budging.

How this big thug could be any kind of relation to the slightly built young girl on the couch was beyond Ian, but even so, he was not about to tolerate this kind of behaviour. "I must ask you to leave this room immediately."

The sister, who had just marched through the door, wheeled about calling over her shoulder "I'll call security for you, Doctor".

Before he could respond the nurse returned holding a tablet. An anxious frown creasing her brow. "Doctor, could you take a look at this, please?"

"Just a minute Jenny, we really need to deal with this first." The man was still trying to get past the paramedics.

"I'm sorry, Doctor, but I really think you need to see this now."

One of the paramedics chipped in, "Don't worry; we're watching this guy and security will be along in a minute."

The arrogant scowl had vanished from the father and he was beginning to look worried, glancing back at the door. "You've no right to keep me from her." More of a complaint now than the earlier demands.

Jenny passed her tablet to Ian. "I was processing the genetic sample and… well, look for yourself."

Frowning, Ian scanned the genetic summary; it made no sense. "That's impossible! She's way too young to have had rejuvenation treatment."

"That's what I thought, Doctor, so I…"

The man was already through the door and running for the exit.

[J Riff]

The paramedic's terse summary told Ian there was no immediate cause for alarm but his eyes widened as he took in the patient's young age. Children were very rare and this girl couldn't have been more than fourteen or fifteen.
( Ian remembered how)The invention of Rejuvenation treatments had forced world governments into uniting behind the childbirth laws. One death, one birth -the most strictly enforced law of modern times. Ian hadn't spoken to more than a handful of children in the last sixty years.
"Right..." he began awkwardly.

To get past that paragraph where the'infodump' happens. Maybe you also need to explain that one's life can be left to another...someone in cryogen-sleep? which is why children are so rare? Somehow it needs to seem more like Ian's quik thots, memories of the rejuvenation laws, rather than a narrator.

[Vertigo]

Thanks JR I wasn't happy with that bit and felt it needed reorganising.

Cryosleep doesn't come into it; you literally leave your life to some one in your will and if you die they can then have a baby. Everyone would automatically have a life will registered when they are born with the mother as the automatic beneficiary. Then when they are old enough they would be able to specify some one different if they chose.

[Belador]

Hi,

Overall pretty good I thought, but I think it could do with another proofread for punctuation, particularly around the dialogue.

I am a little confused by how the birth laws work and what therefore could have shown up on the genetic analysis to cause such alarm (unless he's not her biological father, but would that be so concerning?) but presume that gets explained later.

A couple of random, more specific comments:

"There's been a multi-vehicle accident near the city centre," said the A&E sister. She was a quiet centre to the orderly storm surrounding her. "We're expecting around fifteen casualties in the next ten minutes or so. Rooms are being prepped and we're calling in a couple of extra doctors."

I would suggest the above tweaks to this paragraph

His momentary pause was hidden by the paramedics gently lifting her from the trolley to the treatment couch.

I would suggest removing the first half of the above sentence - seems a little strange if we are in his POV - maybe just 'The paramedics gently lifted the girl from the trolley to the treatment couch.'

Before he could respond the nurse returned holding a tablet.

I presume you're talking about a tablet computer, but I think there's potential for confusion in a medical setting, so perhaps a different word would work better

The arrogant scowl had vanished from the father and he was...

'From the father's face'?

[Mouse]

Originally Posted by Vertigo

"What's the emergency?" Ian had just arrived and was observing the efficient bustle of preparatory activity.

Sounds like he's been standing there a while before he decides to ask what's going on? Maybe it'd make more of an impact if you put something like 'Ian arrived just as... etc.'

The sister pulled a face. "Apparently some hotshot wanted to impress his friends, hacked his cars safety system and took it out of urban auto-control. His reaction time wasn't up to it and they found themselves in the middle of an eight car pile up."

car's

Ten minutes later and the victims started arriving in a noisy convoy of hospital trolleys. Ian's first patient was whisked into his treatment room by two paramedics.

Ten minutes later sounds a bit weird, I don't reckon you need that.

So children were rare… very rare and this girl can't have been more than fourteen or fifteen.

couldn't have

His momentary pause was hidden by the paramedics gently lifting her from the trolley to the treatment couch.

I don't think you need this bit either. Or put something like 'his surprise went unnoticed as the paramedics... etc.

One of the paramedics held the door for the nurse and following her out they paused at the wave of sound from outside; shouts and doors slamming. Noticing the girl's increased anxiety, Ian called out to the departing medics, "What's with all the noise out there?"

Awkward paragraph. I have no suggestions though.

"There's some guy storming about from room to room. Looks like he's headed this way. Want us to stick around?"

Why about?

"I'm her father and she comes with me now!" He tried unsuccessfully to barge past the paramedics.

Maybe change the 'he' to 'the man' otherwise to me it sounds like Ian is trying to barge past.

----

Some of your dialogue is a little stilted. And honestly, I think this might work better in first person. (Give it a go! )

I really like the idea though and would read on!

[Vertigo]

Thanks for that Belador. I like your specific suggestions.

The one on the "momentary pause"; I was trying to give a context for the info dump in the previous para. However J Riff's suggestion may alleviate that particular problem.

The tablet thing is interesting. I imagine that we will typcially all have personal computers the size of an eReader and was trying to think what we would call such a thing. Tablet seems to be one of the names becoming popular. Have to have a think on it.

Puncuation is always going to be a problem. I have never written before and my English grammer was lousy at school and not a lot better now. Interesting that you particularly mention punctuation around dialogue; never having written dialogue before - ever - I found myself very confused here. Have to do a bit more studying the dialogue in books I read!

With regard to the childbirth laws I didn't want to spend too long on it and I think some of that would become clearer later. However let me explain a more fully so people understand the context a bit better. Then I just have to figure out how present it.

First of all the childbirth laws. With rejuvenation and future medicine for illnesses, people are going to live a long time. So to avoid the inevitable population explosion there is a strict "one death, one birth" rule. A child can only be born after someone has died. The problem of who is to have one of these rare babies is solved by having a registered "life-will" naming a beneficiary who would be permitted to have a child if you should die (from an accident or similar). Everyone would automatically have a life-will created for them when they are born with the mother as the beneficiary. This they could change when they reach adulthood.

This actually creates all sorts of interesting frameworks(?) for a story. Could you sell your life-will? Or if you are a beneficary what sort of money might be offered to you for the licence to have a child? Could people be coerced into assigning their life-will to someone not of their choice and then have a sudden "accident"? What do you do with illegal babies? Or the one I was thinking of here.

The rejevenation of the story is achieved by turning genes on and off. Something that I belive we can pretty much do now (the switching that is, the real problem is figuring out which genes to switch!). So I'm imagining that they are effectively turning off the aging genes. This would be something that would be very obvious in a "gene scan" and would feature in the report from it. Now given a technology like that what is going to happen if the treatment were given to an adolescent who has not yet finished growing. I'm suggesting here that it would halt their growth and lock them into adolescence. Horrible though it may be there will always be criminals out there that would take advantage of such a thing. My man in the story is one such and also not the father and that's why he's running. I would imagine the punishment for such a crime would be very severe.

I'll be honest I'm not really sure I have the skills to deal with such a difficult subject in an appropriately sensitive way!

Crikey I didn't mean to write such a long post. Sorry!

Mouse - I'll get back to your later - jsut had a visitor dropped by