Power of Dreams (flash fiction)

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Not really sure what I'm doing at this point. It was just a little flash fiction piece that occurred to me the other day.


This had happened before. Kira was sure of it.

The only trouble was, she could not for her life remember what was supposed to happen next. She knew she had had too much to drink the night before, that the group of adventurers she had been leading had been all too eager to see her falling down drunk. Two of the men had even been willing to pay for her indulgences.

But that was not what had caused her to dream this dark scene. It scratched at the edge of her memories, making faint whispers of an event long since passed, something in history that occurred so long ago that she knew it was even before she had been born.

And yet, it felt as if she had been witness to it.

In her mind, an ancient, magnificent city, one built by the human race before their extinction, was at the height of their power. Technologies made their mark upon the world, aged devices abandoned so many millenia ago that not even the oldest of the elven race could figure out how they would work.

Then her gaze shifted towards the sky. Dark clouds, blacker than coal, raged towards the civilization with such a fury that even the seasoned spell-sword shook and cried softly in her alcohol-induced sleep. Fire and lightning shook the sky as it slammed into the ground, leveling entire buildings in one strike and disintegrating the humans as they stood. But even that carnage could not stand face to what had happened next.

It was at this point that Kira's mind suddenly went blank. She had heard the legends of what the ancient gods had done to the humans when they had regained their lost power, but none of the stories she heard had compared to this. Kira struggled and shook in her bed as the nightmare replayed over and over in her mind, then finally let out a bloodcurdling scream that awoke her group. The two mages that had paid for her drinks were the first to arrive in her room, and the sight of what they saw sickened them.

Their beloved leader, the most powerful warrior and sorceress they had ever known, lain burnt and smoldering in blackened crisp on her untouched bed. As one stared in shock at Kira's roasted body, the other soon grew a small smile about his mouth.

"So, her memories finally returned to her," he said softly under his breath. "It's just a shame that the gods won't allow any human's incarnation to ever walk again upon this planet. I was looking forward to breaking that one first."

[kopiteste]

This is interesting and I would like to read more, however, I can't give you a reason, but the "human's incarnation" doesn't seem to sit right with me. Might just be that I haven't seen it in this form before but it seems out of place. Sorry I don't know the technical terms to describe it.

[chrispenycate]

something in history that occurred so long ago that she knew it was even before she had been born.

Pluperfect for the occurrence (that had occurred) and consider moving the "even" to "before she had even been born" (for the rhythm, not because yours is grammatically incorrect).

In her mind, an ancient, magnificent city, one built by the human race before their extinction, was at the height of their power.

Who are the "they" of the "their power"? The referent is the city, which is singular, and the human race (arguably singular too) only exists in the subordinate clause.

Technologies made their mark upon the world, aged devices abandoned so many millenia ago that not even the oldest of the elven race could figure out how they would work.

How is this related to the previous sentence? Even if we add a "that had" between "Technologies" and "made", what have those technologies to do with either the city or the dream? And that "would" – contingent on what conditions? Perhaps something like "might have worked"?

Dark clouds, blacker than coal, raged towards the civilization

Are we seeing an entire civilisation, or only the one city?

Fire and lightning shook the sky as it slammed into the ground,

The sky slammed into the ground?

But even that carnage could not stand face to what had happened next.

"Stand face"? is this an Americanism I've not encountered? And I suspect (I'm not sure, because I don't know the formation) that the first half should be in pluperfect to match the end.

Their beloved leader, the most powerful warrior and sorceress they had ever known, lain burnt and smoldering in blackened crisp on her untouched bed.

Yes, I understand what you're trying to say; but "untouched" isn't quite right since she's lying on it (while "unburnt" would be terribly weak) And it's just "lay" (I lie, I lay, I have lain)

I won't attack your dialogue, as the person who is muttering it does not necessarily think grammatically and we understand what he means, but it is a bit strange

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

A few misconceptions I need to fix up here....


The city as the civilization? Try thinking of the last of the ancient Mayan or Aztec cities, though I suppose the word "civilization" is perhaps a mite too strong for describing this particular city in her dream. When describing "their" power, it is indeed speaking of the human race.


As for describing the "technologies" I meant it as a descriptive term. Technologies such as airlines, cars, computerized things like bank machines, etc. I suppose I do have to expound on it a bit.


"Fire and lightning shook the sky as it slammed into the ground". Definitely need to rearrange that sentence as I am now reading it. I meant that as the fire and lightning slammed into the ground, it shook the sky. Hm-sounds better when setup that way.


"Stand face" I believe I have seen a couple times before, but yes, I wasn't entirely sure of what I was saying there.


And finally as for the "untouched" part for the bed, true. I should perhaps say "unharmed". And the little bit of dialogue in it-it was meant to be strange and cryptic.

[Elizabeth Bent]

"something in history that occurred so long ago that she knew it was even before she had been born."

This is awkward. I suggest: "...something in history that had occurred long ago, long before she was born."

"In her mind, an ancient, magnificent city, one built by the human race before their extinction, was at the height of their power. "

This sentence is a little confusing. I suggest " In her mind, an ancient, magnificent city at the height of its power loomed, built by the human race before its extinction." Is this what you meant?

"Then her gaze shifted towards the sky. "

I would omit "Then".

"Dark clouds, blacker than coal, raged towards the civilization with such a fury that even the seasoned spell-sword shook and cried softly in her alcohol-induced sleep."

What spell-sword? This object comes out of nowhere. Is the sword crying, or is Kira? From the way this is written, it makes me think the sword is crying, which is nonsensical.

" Fire and lightning shook the sky as it slammed into the ground,"

Presumably the sky is not slamming into the ground, so what is? If the fire is slamming into the ground from the sky, why not write this? Why is the sky shaking and not the ground?

" But even that carnage could not stand face to what had happened next."

Did you mean that even that carnage could not compare to what happened next? I'm not sure what "stand face" means here.

" She had heard the legends of what the ancient gods had done to the humans when they had regained their lost power"

It would be more interesting to throw in one of these legends in a nutshell here rather than just refer to it.

"So, her memories finally returned to her," he said softly under his breath. "It's just a shame that the gods won't allow any human's incarnation to ever walk again upon this planet. I was looking forward to breaking that one first."

Maybe I'm just dumb, but this ending doesn't make sense to me. If Kira is a powerful sorceress and the group's leader, why would one of the mages be looking forward to breaking her? Wouldn't they be more concerned with keeping her alive so she can continue to lead?

[Scott R. Forshaw]

The first thing that I picked up on, was the line: she could not for her life remember what was supposed to happen next.

Now, I know that it's incredibly nit-picky, and it could just be the way that I say it. But I would of had it say something like: She could not for the life of her...

And rather than: She knew she had had too much to drink
Maybe: She knew that she'd had too...
I just always seem to find the double usage of a word in the same sentance rather strange to look at... again, probably personal preference though!

Crispenycate pretty much covered the rest. But all in all, I found it to be a thoroughly good read, and would definately want to read more.

Well done!

[Nik]

Rings of August Derleth...

I'm not quite sure what happened or why, but that's part of the horror...