The Laughter of Wolves

[Sapheron]

Hey folks. Been a while since I've written anything, but I'm determined to get my ass in gear again. Try this out for me. It's part of a revised version of an old idea that I've started drafting, titled The Laughter of Wolves.

****

Serpes sat on the horse awkwardly. He had not yet acquired the ease of riding possessed by his father, brother or their guards, and the days of travel had left him sore and exhausted. He looked back at his brother, Corbis, who rode behind him. Even blindfolded, he rode comfortably, and had rarely needed any help during their journey.

The twenty men rode beneath pine trees, and any few gaps in their canopy let Serpes see the mountains of the west rising before them. During the day's ride the snow line had gradually drawn closer, and now it was only a few hundred manheights above them. The air was chill and the wind was sharp, piercing the goat fleece that was wrapped around his body as only the high mountain airs could.

Their father stopped where a great fallen tree lay beside a stream and nodded grimly. Serpes rode up beside the old man and looked at the desolate twilight that lurked beneath the windswept pines.

“Here,” said King Oreth firmly.

“Can any man survive here?” asked Serpes.

Oreth looked down at his youngest son, a slight smile on his face. “We shall find out.”

Serpes looked back at his brother.“What if he dies?”

“Then I shall hope one of you other two proves stronger.” Serpes couldn't hide the fright from his face, and Oreth laughed. “It shall be a long time yet till yours, little one. You'll be as big as Corbis by the time it comes.”

That seemed unlikely to Serpes, whose head barely reached Corbis' waist. The eldest prince had jumped down from his horse, and one of the guards was cutting him from his clothing. Corbis was a giant among men, larger than any other Serpes had ever seen, and strong almost beyond belief. He couldn't possibly be killed. If any would survive this test, it would be him. Soon, Corbis stood naked bar his blindfold in the frigid air, and Serpes wondered how he could possibly not be shivering. His work done, the guard drew back, a bundle of shredded cloth and fur in his hands.

Serpes sat to one side on his horse, watching the most feared and sacred ritual of his people. Oreth urged his horse closer to the young man, his gruff voice hammering the silence of the forest as their guards formed a circle around Corbis.“We are the wolves of man, born and raised by our pack but cast out into hardship. Through this trial you will prove your strength, or you will die. You stand as a beast. Clothed by hair and skin, armed with tooth and nail, you must prove yourself the equal of our world. Eat of raw flesh, drink of the stream. Hunt the greatest of prey. Flee from none. Return to our pack in the skin of your foe, and a true wolf you shall become.”

Oreth paused a moment, the ritual complete, and his face softened. Serpes watched, almost forgetting to breath as his father reached out to touch the long, dark hair of his brother. “Make me proud, Prince of Drake. I expect a story of legend.”

“I won't disappoint you, father. I'll be waiting for you in the great hall.”

A ripple of laughter ran through their guards, Oreth joined it, pride thick in his amusement. Serpes was silent in wonder. How could anyone have such courage?

“That would be a worthy story. Bring joy to the Cloud Pack.” The King turned his horse and urged it into the freezing stream, the animal whining at the water's touch. One after another, the guards followed, the water making sure that Corbis could not track them. Serpes rode close to his brother and slid stiffly from his saddle. Corbis' head turned at the sound of his stumbling feet on the pine needles.

“Serpes?” he asked.

“Here.” Corbis reached out, finding Serpes head. The massive hand ruffled his hair, forcing his head down under its strength.

“Are you worried for me?” asked Corbis. Serpes shook his head. Suddenly, Corbis' hand clenched around his hair, jerking his head back painfully. His vision blurred with tears as he looked up through the gap left by the fallen tree into the blue ocean of the sky, broken only by a few swirls of cloud. “Do you see the sky, little Serpes? The Cloud Pack watch us always, howling for amusement. How dull it will be to wait for the end of time if we men do nothing but cower in the dirt! They want war, love, courage, murder, revenge. We must amuse them, just as we shall expect amusement once we join their number.”

Serpes' head was pulled back down, and he found himself staring into his brother's grinning face, a wide smile beneath the crimson band that hid his eyes. “You and I can make them roar with joy! Swear to me you will not feel fear again, be it for your life, mine, or any other!”

The massive fingers clenched around his skull. Serpes' head felt like it was bursting. He forced the words out of his throat. “I swear it!”

Corbis laughed, his deep voice booming through the trees. “Then we shall ravage this world together. We are wolves among sheep! Now go! Leave me to my test!”

Released at last, Serpes staggered back to his horse and pulled himself into the saddle. He looked down at the man whose head was almost still level with his own, then up again at the sky.

“Bring joy to the Cloud Pack,” Serpes said, feeling a little of his brother's fire deep in his chest. He kicked his horse forwards into the river, splashing downstream as Corbis called after him.

“Ride fast! I will be at your heels by morning!”

Serpes caught up with his father a mile downstream where they could climb onto rocks beside the river and leave no tracks. Oreth signalled the head of the guards, and the man blew a single, echoing note on a great horn. With Corbis free to remove his blindfold and pit himself against nature, the nineteen horsemen turned away. Serpes glanced behind them as they began their long ride home.

“Worried?” asked Oreth.

Serpes shook his head. “Nothing could kill him.”

The King nodded, a smile on his face. “We must ride fast. If he intends to beat us back, we must at least make it a challenge.”

[Chel]

You had me intrigued by the first mention of the blindfold, but until then I wasn't hooked. Is there any way of moving the blindfolded brother into the very first sentence? That would make the start even stronger.

I'm glad I read on, and I would have happily read more. There were just a few things that jarred me a bit, but some of them may become more clear further on in your story. The following, though, needs to be changed.

That seemed unlikely to Serpes, whose head barely reached Corbis' waist. The eldest prince had jumped down from his horse, and one of the guards was cutting him from his clothing.

Sounds like the guard was cutting Corbis, not his clothes. Change to "One of the guards was cutting his clothing from him." While this part of the ritual is very dramatic and would make for a very nice scene in a movie, I personally thought it was a bit much to cut what I assume to be perfectly serviceable clothes to strips. Maybe Corbis could be wearing a special robe for the occasion? One that is buttoned at the shoulders maybe?
Oh, and if he had his hands free (which he had to as he was able to ride and dismount without help), he could undress himself, even while being blindfolded.

Another thing that struck me on my second read was that King Oreth's feelings were all over the place. He laughs and is relaxed with Serpes, but you also show he is a little bit worried about Corbis - but only a little. Oreth laughs so easily in this scene that it takes a lot of the danger out of the ritual - if you do want him to laugh, it could be a shrill, nervous laughter that doesn't fool even Serpes. If Oreth is normally a happy man who laughs easily, this would be a very good tool to make the reader understand the dangers of the ritual.

There's a few minor things I found, I've marked them in blue with suggestions for changes.

He couldn't possibly be killed. If any would survive this test, it would be him. Soon, Corbis stood naked bar his blindfold in the frigid air, and Serpes wondered how he could possibly (repetition, I suggest removing) not be shivering.

I think the ritual speech deserves a paragraph of its own.

“We are the wolves of man, born and raised by our pack but cast out into hardship. Through this trial you will prove your strength, or you will die. You stand as a beast. Clothed by hair and skin, armed with tooth and nail, you must prove yourself the equal of our world. Eat of raw flesh, drink of the stream. Hunt the greatest of prey. Flee from none (No one? Nothing? "None" breaks the rhytm somewhat.). Return to our pack in the skin of your foe, and a true wolf you shall become.”

Apart from that I don't have much to comment on, although I was a little confused about why Corbis would use such strength on his little brother. It wasn't nearly confusing enough for me not to want to read more, though, and as a first scene, this has me hooked and wanting to know more about King Oreth, Serpes, Corbis and their society. Very promising!

[ctg]

Serpes sat on the horse awkwardly. He had not yet acquired the ease of riding possessed by his father, brother or their guards, and the days of travel had left him sore and exhausted. He looked back at his brother, Corbis, who rode behind him. Even blindfolded, he rode comfortably, and had rarely needed any help during their journey.

This needs more exposition to shape the paragraph to be as hooky as you can make it. You could easily do it by explaining what this mysterious 'possessed' really is, a demonic horse? Or even then maybe he could be the only sane man in the group of possessed men believing that he's insane and they're normal. Maybe you could even add just a little bit more physical description and wind in to a close POV.

Note: How can be be riding a horse awkwardly and still feel comfortable?

Their father stopped where a great fallen tree lay beside a stream and nodded grimly. Serpes rode up beside the old man and looked at the desolate twilight that lurked beneath the windswept pines.

This para needs working, as the switch feels odd to a reader. Can you make it smoother, please?

That seemed unlikely to Serpes, whose head barely reached Corbis' waist. The eldest prince had jumped down from his horse, and one of the guards was cutting him from his clothing. Corbis was a giant among men, larger than any other Serpes had ever seen, and strong almost beyond belief. He couldn't possibly be killed. If any would survive this test, it would be him. Soon, Corbis stood naked bar his blindfold in the frigid air, and Serpes wondered how he could possibly not be shivering. His work done, the guard drew back, a bundle of shredded cloth and fur in his hands.

This needs cutting in two, use soon word a breaker, and drip in a wee bit of exposition to explain what's this test is really about through the narrator.

Don't zoom out! Just tell us what POV knows.

Serpes sat to one side on his horse, watching the most feared and sacred ritual of his people. Oreth urged his horse closer to the young man, his gruff voice hammering the silence of the forest as their guards formed a circle around Corbis.“We are the wolves of man, born and raised by our pack but cast out into hardship. Through this trial you will prove your strength, or you will die. You stand as a beast. Clothed by hair and skin, armed with tooth and nail, you must prove yourself the equal of our world. Eat of raw flesh, drink of the stream. Hunt the greatest of prey. Flee from none. Return to our pack in the skin of your foe, and a true wolf you shall become.”

Cut some the dialogue on its own para and use closer POV at the beginning.

Oreth paused a moment, the ritual complete, and his face softened. Serpes watched, almost forgetting to breath as his father reached out to touch the long, dark hair of his brother. “Make me proud, Prince of Drake. I expect a story of legend.”

I think you could edit the narrative a bit and make it shorter in order to keep the dialogue flowing.

A ripple of laughter ran through their guards, Oreth joined it, pride thick in his amusement. Serpes was silent in wonder. How could anyone have such courage?

Good but not as good as I believe you can write. Edit to achieve a closer POV.

“That would be a worthy story. Bring joy to the Cloud Pack.” The King turned his horse and urged it into the freezing stream, the animal whining at the water's touch. One after another, the guards followed, the water making sure that Corbis could not track them. Serpes rode close to his brother and slid stiffly from his saddle. Corbis' head turned at the sound of his stumbling feet on the pine needles.

Interesting. I can see where you're heading. So let me tell you an interesting scientific fact about canines ability to track (ref: Andy McNab, Immediate Action).

If a prey crosses a water obstacle then a canine can find the track when it comes back to a dry land, therefore it easier to lose tracks at the meadows then at the riverbank. This ability is called casting.

The King nodded, a smile on his face. “We must ride fast. If he intends to beat us back, we must at least make it a challenge.”

Interesting. Your hook comes at the end, so when you're doing your exposition add description to explain well his group and their intentions as this information can sometimes be more interesting to the reader then what you're keeping at back. I even think that you could use more words (1500 - 3500) to this scene alone and to explain the 'posse'.

[kopiteste]

It was gripping and I was interested enough to read to the end. I strongly agree with the last point made by ctg that more description would fill it out. The first couple of paragraphs were good enough to make me want to read on but something I noticed was that you seemed to use "and" in places when it isn't really necessary, I have highlighted below;

Originally Posted by Sapheron

Serpes sat on the horse awkwardly. He had not yet acquired the ease of riding possessed by his father, brother or their guards, and the days of travel had left him sore and exhausted. He looked back at his brother, Corbis, who rode behind him. Even blindfolded, he rode comfortably, and had rarely needed any help during their journey.

The twenty men rode beneath pine trees, and any few gaps in their canopy let Serpes see the mountains of the west rising before them. During the day's ride the snow line had gradually drawn closer, and now it was only a few hundred manheights above them. The air was chill and the wind was sharp, piercing the goat fleece that was wrapped around his body as only the high mountain airs could.

The "and"s highlighted in blue seemed to slow down a very good opening for me. The first one is ambiguous and only stands out because of the second paragraph.

You have done it further on also, using "and" in places where it isn't really needed, I felt that this slowed your narrative down and made it seem a little bit disjointed like you were speaking and using these gaps to gather your thoughts.

[HareBrain]

A strong piece generally. I agree that the blindfolded rider is the first real point of interest, and maybe if you could mention it even earlier without seeming to be clamouring for attention, it would be a good idea.

My largest quibble was that it took a while for us to find out how young Serpes is. Even if Corbis is, say, 7 feet tall, for Serpes to reach only to his waist must make him about ten, but there's no sense of this early on -- we assume he's included in the "twenty men" of the second paragraph.

A few other nitpicks:

Originally Posted by Sapheron

Their father stopped where a great fallen tree lay beside a stream and nodded grimly.

I'd prefer a comma after "stream", otherwise it could be momentarily misread as the tree nodding grimly (as in, say, a breeze).

“Then I shall hope one of you other two proves stronger.” Serpes couldn't hide the fright from his face, and Oreth laughed.

and ...

“Here.” Corbis reached out, finding Serpes head. The massive hand ruffled his hair, forcing his head down under its strength.

Taken in isolation, these paragraphs read as though Serpes and Corbis, respectively, are the ones speaking -- but this isn't the case. Read in context, it's clearer, but it would be clearer still if you cut to a new paragraph after the speech, in these two cases. (Also, missing apostrophe in second example.)

Released at last, Serpes staggered back to his horse and pulled himself into the saddle. He looked down at the man whose head was almost still level with his own, then up again at the sky.

When has he got down from his horse? He was sitting on it a few paras before, and there's been no mention of that changing.

A final very minor point, I'm not sure about "manheights". It seems too much a self-conscious attempt to show difference from our world, and the term itself feels clumsy. It also got me wondering how, or even whether, a relatively primitive people would measure elevation in a time before any surveying. Apart from a sheer cliff-face, isn't the concept of vertical elevation gain quite advanced when related to an irregular, sloping landscape? You're not the first fantasy author to do this, of course, but the trouble is that "manheights" draws attention to itself and perhaps encourages that kind of thought. Or maybe my coffee was too strong.

[LukeW]

What struck me about this piece was the character’s name. I’m sorry to say this, but to me ‘Serpes’ sounds too much like ‘herpes’. I’m not trying to be immature here, but that came to me as soon as I started reading.

Serpes sat on the horse awkwardly.

To me this doesn’t sound like a very strong opening sentence. I’m probably a bit of an adverb nazi when reading others’ work but I think the adverb is unnecessary here and could be removed if you used a stronger verb in the place of ‘sat’.
It’s a similar case with:

“Here,” said King Oreth firmly.

Could easily become:

“Here,” commanded King Oreth.

There are other cases where I think your adverbs weaken the text and they should probably be looked at on a case-by-case process to determine if they are needed.

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by LukeW

What struck me about this piece was the character’s name. I’m sorry to say this, but to me ‘Serpes’ sounds too much like ‘herpes’. I’m not trying to be immature here, but that came to me as soon as I started reading.

It struck me too, but I'm not sure it's a bad thing; it might even work in the story's favour, as long as the reader can get over their initial reaction.

How many pieces have you read on here where you have trouble remembering the main character's name afterwards? That's not the case here. And after being exposed to the name a few tens of times, the humorous connotations of the name will fade, but the fact that it has, in its way, engaged you with the story, won't.

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

So what you're saying, HB, is that if I come up with names like Jonorhea I too could have a humorous and memorable mention in my story?

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by Karn Maeshalanadae

So what you're saying, HB, is that if I come up with names like Jonorhea I too could have a humorous and memorable mention in my story?

Not quite ...

The point is that "Serpes" sounds like it could be a proper name that coincidentally sounds like a nasty disease. Anything that sounds like it was made up in order to sound like a nasty disease will probably not work. Then again, some people might think one thing and some another. If human beings were predictable, I'd be rich.

[Gary Compton]

Damn!!...

My heroin is Clamidia Montanblat, do you think there's a problem with that?

[Gary Compton]

Her Irish Uncle is Siph O'lis and her Egyptian godmother is Cleoclaptra

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Originally Posted by HareBrain

Not quite ...

The point is that "Serpes" sounds like it could be a proper name that coincidentally sounds like a nasty disease. Anything that sounds like it was made up in order to sound like a nasty disease will probably not work. Then again, some people might think one thing and some another. If human beings were predictable, I'd be rich.

Still, I can come up with some rather creative names.....

[Precise Calibre]

One of my old role-playing character names is "Conjivius" - people would always comment that it reminded them or Conjunctivitis or at least some sort of illness. Still, it was memorable to them so, point proven .

I enjoyed the piece but for two issues I had with the overall flow and mood of the excerpt.

I understand the mindset and mood of these people quite well from what you've shown through the narrative. They're obviously prepossessed of a tough and harsh nature forged from their native land. The trial by nature theme is always a fun route. What I'm not sure of is if I actually believe that the eldest prince is in any real danger. I can see a type of superficial fear in Serpes and maybe a smidge in his father, but I don't feel like there is any impending danger.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be afraid. Corbis is obviously confident and there's seventeen other warriors there whom I assume have passed this rite of passage. But what is the normal survival rate behind this trial? Were those men the only survivors out of a hundred men over time, or does almost everyone manage to survive?

I guess I'd just like some perspective.

Also, why would people I assume know many survival strategies in the wilderness do something as foolhardy as cutting his clothes to ribbons when he can simply take them off? It's also make more sense to me for him to take them off of his own volition as a gesture of submission to nature.

[Sapheron]

Thanks got to all. Many minor points that once corrected will add up to great improvement. The Serpes-Herpes connection made me laugh. I admit I had never seen it before, but having names that I don't realise are... innopropriate is one of my weak points. This is definately a more minor case of the problem. Perhaps I will change it, or perhaps I shall go Harebrain's route and believe it might help me out in the end.

Manheights shall go. I didn't really like them at the time to be honest, but erred on the side of not deleting them unless someone complained. They have. Alas.

Precise Calibre, I found your post particularly thought provoking. Well done!

As you ask though, no, you aren't really meant to worry for Corbis. Although death isn't that uncommon on these tests, he is capable of completing the task without great difficultly, exceptional specimen of a barbarian that he is, and the development of the plot will only make it easier for him shortly. In reality the harshness of his test is just a way to: firstly, make the plot make a little more sense as to where he goes next, and secondly, to highlight just how impressive it is upon completion.

[JDP]

Enjoyed this piece, Sapheron; I don't always manage to reach the end of posts to critique but this carried me through easily.

No major points put me off - the only ones were as mentioned above by others:

- The first sentence read awkwardly for me. Not sure how it could be improved, but almost put me off continuing.

- I also hated 'manheights'.

Thanks for posting it.