Untitled Story.. So far

[The Lion of Macedon]

Hello everyone, this is my first attempt at posting any works on here, as indeed I hardly ever write as of late, but I am looking for some critiques on the overall style of my writing so that I can in the future write the stories that hang in my mind in a way that will please the readers, so without any further introductions:

Tadrin of the Ustar adjusted his quiver as he continued along the old hunting trail. He had walked this trail throughout his life, first as a young child guided by his father, and later as a man, hunting for the survival of his people.

He paused at the skirts of a clearing that swelled around a large section of the path. Checking the wind he made sure it was against his face, insuring that the lone stag several yards in front of him wasn't aware of his presence. He had been stalking the huge animal for two days, learning it's personnel patterns and where it rested, always remaining unnoticed. Now is the time to finally make the kill, Tadrin decided.

Easing his bow off of his should he notched a black feathered arrow to the string, taking his sights and accounting for the breeze heading towards and to the left of him, he slowly breathed in... and as he calmly exhaled, let loose of the tightly bound string. The horn and yew staff of the bow jolted as the pressure keeping it bent was released, the arrow cleanly slicing through the air at a slightly upward angle.

The arrow reached a tipping point and was perfectly horizontal when it slammed into the right shoulder of the stag. The beast fell almost instantly, the arrow having glanced off the edge of the shoulder blade and into the heart.

Tadrin eased out of the brush and loped forward to the great beast, he could hardly keep control over his boiling excitement as he gazed on it; the stag was huge with beautiful silver fur that would make for excellent coats of blankets, and the amount of meat he would be able to derive from it would be enough to feed the entire clan for at least a week. Covering the body with brush he began a steady run back to the nearby camp of the Ustar to gather help for carrying the stag back.

The first man he informed was pleased to the point of almost embracing Tadrin; none in the clan had eaten in four long days.


“Private Terrance Sholden is to report to the CB immediately” buzzed the loud intercom of the cafeteria. Uttering a curse under his breath, Terry Sholden of the U.E.F ship Kennedy set down his full platter of food down and started the half-mile walk to the other end of the ship, where the Control Bay was located.

As he passed by the entrance to the history museum he glanced at the large plastic flier hanging over the entrance: “United Exploration Forces, bringing nations together, and bringing the galaxy to you” was written under the U.E.F lettering's, Terry's mood darkened further. More like 'bringing hell to the naive and wealth to us' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last landing the fleet had made, some 3 years before... the muzzle flash of hundreds of soldiers, the natives of an alien land falling in the thousands...

“No,” he said aloud “this is about profit, not exploration” the Corporations backing the U.E.F had been quite pleased when they found gold and adamantium deposits were quite abundant on the money cow dubbed 'Planet Hades' by the soldiers who had served there...but it wasn't the planet that was hell, no, the U.E.F had brought hell to the planet.

After conversing through several long halls and waiting in elevator he finally reached his destination. Terry opened his side pouch, digging through it until he found his U.E.F ID card, he glanced at the face embellished upon it before sliding it through the electronic lock on the Control Bay door.

Instantly a request popped up on the captain's assistant's monitor 'Terrance Sholden Private first class' flashed in large lettering on the screen, the sound of metal blocks being retracted was heard immediately after the captain signaled to let him in, and the door opened. Terry stepped through and stopped to salute the Captain.

Captain Tiranus Stone was well into his 50s with short cropped black hair streaked with gray. He looked every bit the captain, radiating authority and quiet confidence. He wore, as always, the dark blue outfit of a Starship captain, with his various medals and ranking strips pinned neatly onto the jacket. His broad chiseled face was aimed at Terry and there seemed to be an unnatural gleam in his eye as he started to speak;

“Terrance Sholden...” he started as he looked down at some various papers “why is it that you are currently ranked as you are?”

“I don't believe I understand the question.. sir” Terry answered uneasily

“It's quite a simple question actually,” the captain snapped “you scored off the charts in the aptitude tests, you have a well known IQ of over 175, and yet.. you were started as a simple grunt due to a GPA of 1.5 in the academy and after ranking up twice you started refusing all offers and recommendations for anything higher, it seems to me, Terry, that you are either running from responsibility, or simply lack any semblance of ambition..” he paused, his light blue eyes scanning Terry back and forth, seeming to be looking over his soul like just another report to be read “and though I have no idea exactly why you are what you are.. I am very pleased about it”

“I'm not sure I understand sir”
“You know, for a near genius you don't seem to understand much. But that's okay, I just have a very special opportunity for you Terry Sholden, an opportunity to go back home.. for good”
“Earth” Terry whispered before his breath caught in his throat.
“Yes Private,” the Capatain said with a smile, “Earth”

[Mouse]

It's a bit too long for me to read all of it (and there are people here who will give a way better critique than me!) But a couple of possible errors:

learning it's personnel patterns Should be learning its personal patterns

And coats of blankets should be coats or blankets

[The Lion of Macedon]

Originally Posted by Mouse

And coats of blankets should be coats or blankets

woops! haha, glad someone caught that early on, thanks.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Ok you asked for critiques on style so I'll give ease of on the line by line nit picking.

I found it confusing. There needs to be a more obvious break between the two sectons. I had to go back (more than once - OK so I'm a thicky ) to check the forest scene wasn't part of this large vessel. I (perhaps wrongly) decided it wasn't and the first part is either a historical flashback or action on some distant planet yet to be molested by the U.E.F.

I found a few inter-relational errors. The stag is only a few yards in front - Well the stag would know at a few yards and the arrow wouldn't reach a tipping point at such a distance it would go through the poor beast.

The short distance to the camp also jarred because no self respecting stag is going to ignore the smells and activity (fire, smoke and drunkard partying) that would surely emanate from the camp.

Also following a stag for two days and getting used to it's habits is all well and good for an anthropological study but this guy is after food. See it shoot it drag it back (at least what you could carry because it might have been eaten by others before you get back) would be the policy IMO especially if no ones eaten for four days. Clean kills and nice hunting techniques are fine for the gentleman hunter but if you're hungry then you don't care how good the kill is or if the animal suffers. Wound, trap, cripple and eat is the motto of the day.

The intercom announcement seems a bit strange. If the ship is as big as you say and he is allowed to roam all over it then the ship wide broadcast for one member of the crew seems a little OTT - A more personal method of contact would surely be used as in Star Trek where the comms device acts like a mobile phone.

The other thing was the motto of the U.E.F. Bringing nations together - surely you mean 'worlds' together.

The cosy chat with the captain - would a captain really get involved with personnel matters with a private - I doubt it and in any case the captain says that Terrence has gone up the chain of command at least twice. How low does this ranking system go below private - boot boy and bottle washer?

I think if you can sort out the dispositions of the two halves and tidy up the juxtapositions of the characters in there respective surrounding then this has the potential for a good hook.

It ends nicely with the end of chapter cliff hanger of 'back to Earth' though as I said some lowly grunt is hardly going to be given this career advancement chat. Privates do what they are told and there's no debate or wouldn't you like to about it.

Get him up the ranks a bit, Commander or some such then it will hang better IMO.

Hope I helped

TEiN

[The Lion of Macedon]

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll definitely keep them in mind when I edit this for the second round. It's a little difficult to keep up with any writing when I'm caught up in high school though, but a writer must endure, right? But I think I'm going to keep the moddo at 'Nations' not 'Worlds', because that is kind of saying something in itself (nations of earth brought together by #$%^ing over other planets). I'll probably also change his rank around a little, but mind you he'll still stay fairly low on the ladder, because the captain was looking for someone low of rank and yet high of intelligence to fit with his agenda, which I won't yet jump into.

[The Lion of Macedon]

and about the intercom, it isn't the a full ship broadcast, but merely "the loud intercom of the cafeteria" and though the cafeteria of such a large ship would no-doubt be enormous, at a specified meal time for a section of ranks it would be the best way to send for a soldier. The idea about the personnel radio-devices is good, but I feel that they wouldn't want to spend too much money on anybut, say, those who got in through the officer training program, but I'm not going to get into the navy technicalities right now, as indeed this is fiction and I could very well write about a dancing marshmallow man if I felt like it. But all other suggestions were good, and I'll follow through on them. Thanks for critiquing

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Macedonean feline

Tadrin of the Ustar adjusted his quiver as he continued along the old hunting trail. He had walked this trail throughout his life, first as a young child guided by his father, and later as a man, hunting for the survival of his people.

"hunting for“ is often taken to mean "searching. So, did he find their survival?

He paused at the skirts of a clearing that swelled around a large section of the path. Checking the wind he made sure it was against his face, insuring that the lone stag several yards in front of him wasn't aware of his presence. He had been stalking the huge animal for two days, learning it's

its (it's an exception) personal

personnel patterns and where it rested, always remaining unnoticed. Now is the time to finally make the kill, Tadrin decided.

Easing his bow off of

no need for "of"

his should

shoulder

he notched a black

hyphen

feathered arrow to the string, taking his sights and accounting for the breeze heading towards and to the left of him, he slowly breathed in... and as he calmly exhaled, let loose of

no need for "of"

the tightly bound string. The horn and yew staff of the bow jolted as the pressure keeping it bent was released, the arrow cleanly slicing through the air at a slightly upward angle.

The arrow reached a tipping point and was perfectly horizontal

from a total pedant, the only moment the arrow would be totally horizontal is at the apex of the catenary; when it reached the target it would be descending.

when it slammed into the right shoulder of the stag. The beast fell almost instantly, the arrow having glanced off the edge of the shoulder blade and into the heart.

Tadrin eased out of the brush and loped forward to the great beast,

Full stop

he could hardly keep control over his boiling excitement as he gazed on it; the stag was huge with beautiful silver fur

"fur" is used of things with a soft hair, like cats or mink; even dogs don't usually qualify. "a beautiful silver pelt," perhaps?

that would make for

do you need that "for"?

excellent coats of

or

blankets, and the amount of meat he would be able to derive

I'm not sure of that "derive"

from it would be enough to feed the entire clan for at least a week. Covering the body with brush he began a steady run back to the nearby camp of the Ustar to gather help for carrying the stag back.

The first man he informed was pleased to the point of almost embracing Tadrin; none in the clan had eaten in four long days.

* * *

“Private Terrance Sholden is to report to the CB immediately” buzzed the loud intercom of the cafeteria. Uttering a curse under his breath, Terry Sholden of the U.E.F ship Kennedy set down his full platter of food down

only one of the "down"s

and started the half-mile walk to the other end of the ship, where the Control Bay was located.

As he passed by the entrance to the history museum he glanced at the large plastic flier hanging over the entrance: “United Exploration Forces, bringing nations together, and bringing the galaxy to you” was written under the U.E.F lettering's,

full stop

Terry's mood darkened further. More like 'bringing hell to the naive and wealth to us' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last landing the fleet had made, some 3 years before... the muzzle flash of hundreds of soldiers, the natives of an alien land falling in the thousands...

“No,” he said aloud “this is about profit, not exploration

full stop, capital "T"

” the Corporations backing the U.E.F had been quite pleased when they found gold and adamantium deposits were quite abundant on the money cow dubbed 'Planet Hades' by the soldiers who had served there...but it wasn't

"but it hadn't been…“?

the planet that was hell, no, the U.E.F had brought hell to the planet.

After conversing

it might be "traversing", but the idea of him carrying out a continuous chatter to those around him is quite amusing

through several long halls and waiting in

"an" and was he waiting in, or for?

elevator he finally reached his destination. Terry opened his side pouch, digging through it until he found his U.E.F ID card,

this is a new sentence, unless you do something like changing the next "he" to an "and"

he glanced at the face embellished upon it before sliding it through the electronic lock on the Control Bay door.

Instantly a request popped up on the captain's assistant's monitor 'Terrance Sholden

comma

Private first class' flashed in large lettering on the screen, the sound of metal blocks being retracted was heard immediately after the captain signaled to let him in, and the door opened. Terry stepped through and stopped to salute the Captain.

Captain Tiranus Stone was well into his 50s with short cropped black hair streaked with gray. He looked every bit the captain, radiating authority and quiet confidence. He wore, as always, the dark blue outfit of a Starship captain, with his various medals and ranking strips pinned neatly onto the jacket. His broad chiseled face was aimed at Terry and there seemed to be an unnatural gleam in his eye as he started to speak;

“Terrance Sholden...” he started as he looked down at some various

I wouldn't use "some" with "various"

papers “why is it that you are currently ranked as you are?”

“I don't believe I understand the question.. sir

comma

” Terry answered uneasily

“It's quite a simple question actually,” the captain snapped “you scored off the charts in the aptitude tests, you have a well known IQ of over 175, and yet.. you were started as a simple grunt due to a GPA of 1.5 in the academy and after ranking up twice you started refusing all offers and recommendations for anything higher,

full stop

it seems to me, Terry, that you are either running from responsibility, or simply lack any semblance of ambition..” he paused, his light blue eyes scanning Terry back and forth, seeming to be looking over his soul like just another report to be read “and though I have no idea exactly why you are what you are.. I am very pleased about it”

“I'm not sure I understand sir”
“You know, for a near genius you don't seem to understand much. But that's okay, I just have a very special opportunity for you Terry Sholden, an opportunity to go back home.. for good”
“Earth” Terry whispered before his breath caught in his throat.
“Yes Private,” the Capatain

why has the captain gained a capital "C" and an extra "a"?

said with a smile, “Earth”

[The Judge]

I think we heard you the first time, Chris.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I removed three of chris's duplicate posts. Assuming that it was an editing glitch, I left the last one instead of the first one, assuming that #4 was the one with the tiny changes he wanted to make.

(If this is wrong, chris, you know the right one can be restored if you ask someone to do it.)

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Teresa Edgerton

I removed three of chris's duplicate posts. Assuming that it was an editing glitch, I left the last one instead of the first one, assuming that #4 was the one with the tiny changes he wanted to make.

(If this is wrong, chris, you know the right one can be restored if you ask someone to do it.)

Many thanks. The thing was stuck for a quarter of an hour not contacting the site, while I prodded buttons and went away and logged in to another site, leaving this churning.

I've only now come back and found it's worked, and worked, and worked.

Apologies for the extra work (I know you're trying to cut back).

[The Lion of Macedon]

Thanks for all of the help Chris, I'm still surprised at how much of this I missed when I went over it last. But I suppose it takes several different perspectives to get something right.

[The Lion of Macedon]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

it might be "traversing", but the idea of him carrying out a continuous chatter to those around him is quite amusing

haha, I'm not sure why I always seem to put conversing when I mean traversing.

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

why has the captain gained a capital "C" and an extra "a"?

I've been toying with the idea of replacing 'the' with 'el' and keeping the extra a...