My latest, first chapter

[Timothy Thomas]

Chapter 1


The cold was nearly unbearable as he was dropped down in to the snow. Slowly getting to his feet and brushing the cold white from his bare skin, the wind howled wildly around him, his bare feet stepping cautiously toward the edge of the cliff before him nothing below to see save for clouds.

The Plateau, the highest point in the world and the proving ground for those looking to cross in to adult hood. Alec Falconer garbed only in a loin cloth calmly looked down at his frame prickled with bumps and burning from the cold. Closing his eyes he tried to remember the meditation techniques his father had tried to instill him but the cold was over bearing his toes beginning to to burn from the frost, his lungs burning as they adjusted to the thinner air.

Alec was furious with himself for his bodies reaction, he had spent the last ten years preparing himself mentally and physically for this day, furious for being so weak, furious for not being able to control himself . At sixteen summers he was a physical specimen by any standards, rising at dawn to run as the sun rose high in the sky, training with a trident with recruits of the Gold Wings, determined and focused that he would choose his caste not the fates or his ancestry. In four generations a Gold Wing had not been born to the Falconer family and Alec had decided he would be the first. However if he froze to death none of it would matter.

He began to stomp his feet trying to return circulation to the freezing digits, moving to the center of the flat mountain top he kneeled down and began to clear a spot, digging down till his hands felt rock pushing the snow off to the side leaving himself with a circle of ground beneath him. Taking a deep breath having finally adjusted his breathing and calmed the burning in his lungs Alec sat down crossing his legs beneath him to best utilize his own body heat. A long inhale through his nose followed by a slow drawn out exhale through his mouth and he began to calm, centering himself and brining his system back under his own control knowing that this process could take hours, minutes and in some rare cases days.
Coming of age for a young Angelus was simple in nature. Once a member off the host had reached the sixteenth summer of their life they would select a day. Once the day had been selected they would select an elder close to them. When that day was upon them before the sun would rise the two would meet outside the city gates and take to the air. The selected elder would fly the young one to The Plateau the highest point in the world, unreachable for those without flight and leave the subject there to fend for themselves. The goal, to allow the young adult the opportunity to survive on their own and the solitude to sprout their wings which would in turn decide their future.

For the Angelus the wings determined your status, your class, your caste your very adulthood. Some never returned from their trek, whether it be that their wings did not sprout before the cold took them, they were unable to grasp the flight attempting to descend or they decided that they were not able to live with what fate had dealt them no one knew. Your class and caste would be decided by the color and plume of your wings, be it builder, farmer, hunter, warrior or seamstress the trek would determine what your future would hold .

Alec since about six summers had decided that his wings would come in a magnificent white with golden tips, for he would be a Gold Wing. A warrior, a soldier a defender of the Host. Even now sitting in a small circle of snow he meditated trying to will his body to produce the plume he desired, chanting quietly to himself till he was brought back to reality by a grunt. Snapping his dark eyes open quickly he canted his head to the side in time to see a shadow dive back down below the edge and a form laid in the snow. Clenching his fists and biting back a growl he slowly stood. This was supposed to be his day, he knew that even though only one youth could select a day in The Host and none would be permitted here till he returned that did not stop other Hosts from sending their youth.
The boy rose much as Alec had shivering as his body adjusted he was garbed in a loin cloth with a wool cloak around his shoulders, he seemed to notice for the first time that he wasn't alone jumping back and locking eyes on Alec.

"Easy, you have nothing to fear." Alec spoke calmly. "I'm here for the same reason I you."

"How do you know why I'm here?" The boy asked obviously caught off guard.

"There is only one reason people are here." Alec returned to the spot he had cleared lowering back down and slipping his legs beneath him. "Do me a favor and try to keep your teeth chattering down, I plan to focus and get this over with." Short and to the point he returned to his breathing in attempting to regain the calm that he had found before the interruption.

"I have never seen you before, which host are you from?" The young man questions. Alec's eyes came open again and quickly narrowed as he focused on the boys form. He was smaller then Alec both in height and build his hair shaved tight to the top of his head, most likely a tradition of his host. letting a sigh break pass his lips as he resigned to the fact that this was not going to be how he pictured it.

"I am from The Dark Water Host." Something Alec took much pride in standing back up to full height and squaring his shoulders with the smaller boy. To most his age Alec was probably fairly intimidating, muscled form, chiseled stomach and chest with a strong jaw, dark hair falling down to shape his face and land upon his shoulder he folded his arms across his chest. "My name is Alec, I suppose we should introduce ourselves if your going to insist on this constant banter."

"Collin, Collin Morley. I don't mean to be a bother, I am a bit nervous I guess." Shifting from foot to foot Collin failed to make eye contact with the larger boy across from him. "I guess I didn't expect anyone else to be up here you know?" As he spoke Alec was inspecting him, sizing him up in a sense. Even if he had already made his assessment, this boy would be a farmer at best nothing more, someone that Alec would hardly have any dealings with in his chosen future. "I'm from the east, the White Star Host." The boy continued, "The first this year to make the trek."
Alec's eyes rolled a bit as he listened to the beginning of the life story that he hardly cared about at all but as he was about to call a halt to his rambling he felt a sharp pain that sucked the wind right out of him. Dropping to a knee he let out a cry of pain barely able to hold himself semi upright. Squeezing his eyes closed tight and gritting his teeth as he felt pressure against his shoulder blades, the feeling of liquid running down the small of his back. He attempted to calm himself, tried to regain his breathing but the pain became more unbearable his fingers tightened in to balled fists as the other knee dropped down and left him on his hands and knees.

"Alec, Alec are you alright?" Collin took a single step closer not knowing what was happening and half wanting to run the other direction in pure dread.

"I, I can't" He tried to respond but couldn't as Alec opened his eyes the slightest bit only to see the liquid he felt was blood and now pooled around his knees. A second later his face hit the cold snow, the pain became so intense as if a short sword tore underneath each shoulder blade tearing the muscle open, the last thing he felt before he lost consciousness was the feeling of what he was sure was his arms being wrenched from his body.

The sun poured down slightly warming his numb body. Alec slowly tried to clear his head and pry his eyes open the sunlight blinding him for the first moment before his vision came back. It was day time,by his best guess nearing noon. Planting his hands down slowly he attempted to lift himself back up to his knees, inhaling the thin mountain air he quickly scanned the the area having no idea how long he had been asleep. Raising up on his knee he tested it and found that he felt normal, as if nothing had happened slowly getting to his feet. Suddenly he realize that he was alone. Where had Collin gone? There was no way that little runt had sprouted before Alec yet there was no sign of him. How long could he have lost consciousness? Having a span of time missing in your memory was not only strange but extremely frustrating.

Alec moved to cross the snow covered ground yet felt some resistance, as if being pulled backwards. The wind picked up and the pull began stronger, just as Alec's dark eyes grew larger. He flexed his shoulders, rolling them feeling the tightness feeling the drag of the new addition to his frame. Flexing them tightly he wrapped a set of large gray wings around himself crowned and tipped with silver. The mix of emotions that flooded through him threatened to take him in to the black void of unconsciousness again. He had sprouted, already in record time. He had sprouted a large set and now stood with them wrapped about him forming a coat to keep the cold out. Yet it was not the white and gold that he was certain it would be. All his dreams, all his ambitions lay scattered before him. Years of physical training, years of weapons training and years of weapons proficiency in order to prepare himself and now none of it would come to pass.

Gray and silver, the colors of the metal smiths, those who worked the forge and cast the tools a weapons. Those who stoked fires and slaved for long hours in the heat of a fire pit in order to provide the much needed tempered steel the Host required for numerous things. A role Alec believed was simply beneath him. Growling under his breath he clenched his fists and ran for the edge of the plateau, allowing all his anger all his new found frustration to drive him forward. He reached the edge in second and leapt with all the might in his legs straight out in order to clear the rocks below.
Blind instinct took over pulling his legs tight together his arms by his side and wings folding against his back as he race straight down through the clouds. The freezing air ripped against his skin like small needles as his mass drove him faster and faster towards the ground miles below. Eyes closed tightly blinded by anger and frustration his mind raced wondering if he would even bother trying to fly or simply plummet to the earth below. Perhaps by choice or by instinct to survive his body tilted up horizontal as he broke through the clouds wings spreading high behind him to slow his decent. He was flying, riding on the wind, his eyes opened to take in the majesty below him as he began to glide and flex his shoulders in time to maintain height. Still easily hundreds of miles above the land below the sight was simply breath taking. He had been air born many times before, carried by one member of the host or another in his youth, yet nothing like this. His was in control, as if a child being able to run for the first time his instinct took over diving forward, pulling up, dropping down and flexing his muscles more in order to climb and less to descend. All thoughts of misery at his fate faded in that magical moment, a moment of oneness, a moment of clarity he realized exactly how much of a gift from the gods this truly was.

How much time had passed he was not sure, but finally he began his decent towards the ground. The warm air rushing up to great him and chase the chill from his skin. He and Alistair had set a meeting place and during his play above he had caught sight of the plume of smoke rising up in to the air from the fire. Alistair was one of his dearest friends, training partners and confidants, a Gold Wing that Alec had known nearly all his life and had selected to be his escort during his trek. Rolling his shoulders and pulling his wings tighter to his body he dove towards the fire gaining speed as the speck that was his friend began to grow in size. Suddenly he realized just how quickly the ground was coming upon him. He let his wings open to drag and slow him but his judgement was just a bit late. Placing his legs down to touch down on the ground the joints in his knees screamed in protest and he was forced to rush forward a bit and drop to a knee with momentum as he landed beside the fire.

"Landing comes with practice." Alistair grinned rising up from his position beside the fire. He was a large man as well, eighteen summers and easily Alec's equal in stature with a long golden mane flowing down his shoulders. He was dressed in the common wear of Gold Wings, a white tunic with black leggings, the crest of Dark Water emblazoned on his chest. Stretching a bit and letting his wide span of white feathers spread out behind him he took in the sight of his friend. "You may have beaten the record my friend. I was worried yesterday when I the other."

"The other?" Alec's dark brow raised in question. "What other?" With a point of his hand his friend directed Alec's gaze to a small pile of dirt sitting off on the horizon.

"I was having evening meal when I heard his screams. He didn't have a chance the divot he left was almost enough to bury what was left."

Alec nodded slowly, it seemed that Collin had made his choice. "Survival of the fittest as they say. When I met him yesterday I had my doubts that he would survive the trek. I passed out at one point and when I awoke he was gone." Alec moved over to sit by the fire reaching to grab his pack that his friend had positioned there and pull out the clothing he had packed for the trip back.

"A Forger hmm?" The question was more probing then asking, it was obvious that Alistair could clearly see the plume behind him. "There are worse fates my friend, you could have been a scribe or a tailor" A small smirk played across his lips gauging Alec's mood again.

"True enough, it is not what I had hoped for but at least an honorable trade, I will still have some say in the defense of the Host by the temper of my steel." Alec spoke with half hearted enthusiasm he had already come to grips with his fate and decided the course. Taking his brown trousers from the bag he pulled them on over the loin cloth fastening the belt around his waist. "Besides, thanks to you I already have a sense of how the heft and balance of a weapon should be."

"That's the spirit mate, and I'll be your first customer." Alistair sat down letting his wings drop around him like cloak and returned to spinning the fox upon the spit that Alec had not even noticed over the fire. The two sat in relative silence for near to a hour while Alistair cooked and Alec buried himself in brooding thought. After their meal they would probably begin their voyage home. It had taken them half a day of non stop flight to reach the plateau yet Alistair was carrying Alec the entire time, now they should easily cut that time in half. Fully dressed he pulled his wings down behind him in the fashion he had seen most warriors do so that it resembled a cape or cloak dreading the pomp and fan fair he would have to endure upon his arrival in DarkWater.

[The Judge]

Hello there and Welcome to the Chronicles. If you haven't done so already, pop across to the Introductions forum and tell us a little about yourself.

Let me say immediately that you deserve credit for having the courage to put your work up here for critique. However, this is simply far too long a piece to be properly critiqued, especially from a newbie, and I imagine the sheer length of it will put many people off. Since you want as many people as possible to read your work and give opinions, next time it would be an idea to limit yourself to a few hundred words only. Also, it's helpful if you let us know the kind of feedback you are wanting. I suggest that before you post any more items you have a good read of the stickies at the top of the forum.

Anyway, I am one of the nit-picky critiquers here. I look at things like grammar, punctuation, and word choice. From that perspective I'm afraid there is a great deal of work you need to do. I won't do a complete line-by-line as that would take an inordinate amount of time, even if I limited myself to a few paragraphs. I'll pick out a few of the more important or frequently made errors.

First you need to proof-read your work better eg to instill him but the cold was over bearing his toes beginning to to burn. This should be 'to install in him', 'overbearing' is one word (though I'd question its applicability here), and there's a repetition of 'to'. We all make mistakes which we fail to see no matter how many times we read, nonetheless there are too many here for me to have any confidence you have read this properly eg I fail to see how you missed the needless repetition of The Plateau the highest point in the world (no need for a capital 'T' for 'the', the second time, by the way). If you have something like dyslexia, as many on these forums do, then I know it is difficult, but you do need to take better care.

That 'to install...' sentence is also an example of a tendency you have to run on sentences without adequate, or any, punctuation which causes difficulty in knowing what you mean eg his bare feet stepping cautiously toward the edge of the cliff before him nothing below to see save for clouds. Is it 'the cliff before him' or 'before him nothing'? As a bare minimum there should be two commas there, and more likely a full stop or colon, plus commas. Read your work out loud, and notice when you pause for breath. The longer the pause, the stronger the punctuation.

You also need to learn how to punctuate dialogue eg "How do you know why I'm here?" The boy asked obviously caught off guard. You have perhaps been misled by the question mark, but as the attribution runs on, it should be 'the boy asked' with a lower case 't'. (If it hadn't been a question, then after 'here' should have been a comma, not a full stop.)

Speaking of punctuation, you need to learn the possessive apostrophe and the difference between it and a simple plural. eg his bodies reaction - 'bodies' is plural, unless he has two of them (when it would be bodies') you mean 'body's reaction'.

Also you need to differentiate between 'your' ie something belonging to you; and 'you're' as a contraction of 'you are'.

You also need to think about what you have written eg determined and focused that he would choose his caste not the fates or his ancestry. I imagine that what you mean is that he intends that his caste will be chosen by him, not determined by the fates etc, but that is not what the sentence says. Because of the way it is written, you make it sound as if he intends to choose his caste, but he will not choose his fate or his ancestry.

So far as word choice is concerned, you have using adjectives and adverbs as it they are on two-for-one offers. There is nothing wrong with description and the use of descriptors, but to use 'quickly' and 'slowly' in successive sentences robs both of their force, especially as neither is necessary. You need to be more sparing and more selective.

Looking at bigger issues, you swap from third person 'He' to second person 'You' eg For the Angelus the wings determined your status, your class, your caste your very adulthood. What you mean is it determined their caste etc. You also have a point of view (POV) which changes from Alec to Collin. There are occasions when this can be done and it works, but to my mind this isn't one of them. I'm not a POV expert myself, though, so I'll leave that for one of the others to comment on at greater length.

A lot of the problems you are making are common to inexperienced writers. So much so, that we have lessons in many of them in a sticky at the top of Aspiring Writers called 'The Toolbox'. Read through that and it should help you with a number of these issues.

In any event, please do not let this put you off writing. You have some work to do, that is clear, but with application you can get there.

Good luck

J

[TheEndIsNigh]

Timothy: Welcome to the Chrons and congratulations for jumping in at the deep end with your first post.

I haven't read it all I'm afraid - It was far too long for me and as Judge has mentioned there are some simple errors that need addressing.

I found the idea a little far fetched. At altitudes where the air thins and snow is present it's doubtful anything (birds maybe but we have fingers and no mention of feathers) is going to survive in just a loin cloth for more than a few minutes especially with bare feet. Also the likelihood of being able to dig into the snow to base rock seems very unlikely. The ice is going to be rock hard and too cold for fingers to dig IMO.

However, please don't be put off, it's your story and these criticisms can easily be overcome by a little explanation - rites of passage where he has to survive for a bit after which he gets to get back into the warm hut or something of the kind would clear this up. Though it needs to be mentioned early on (or even in a prologue) so the reader doesn't just turn off.

Hope I helped.

Tein.

[flickimp]

Interesting story

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Timothy Thomas

Chapter 1

Chapter 1. No prologue. Good.

The cold was nearly unbearable as he was dropped down in to the snow. Slowly getting to his feet and brushing the cold white from his bare skin, the wind howled wildly around him, his bare feet stepping cautiously toward the edge of the cliff before him nothing below to see save for clouds.

The Plateau, the highest point in the world and the proving ground for those looking to cross in to adult hood. Alec Falconer garbed only in a loin cloth calmly looked down at his frame prickled with bumps and burning from the cold. Closing his eyes he tried to remember the meditation techniques his father had tried to instill him but the cold was over bearing his toes beginning to to burn from the frost, his lungs burning as they adjusted to the thinner air.

Oh man. I know you're trying to be serious but I'm afraid this made laugh out loud. The first thought that I had was that you were lending images from the Conan the Barbarian, and when I reached the spot where your hero stands on top of mountain with just loin cloth, I couldn't help but burst in laughing.

The reason is that I come from a cold weather country that is not England for your information. An idea of someone climbing high where there's limited amount of oxygen and the temperatures are constantly far below zero Celsius is ridiculous. Even for a man that has to grow his wings.

The science, and those readers who either have the experience and/or knowledge would put down the book the minute their reach that spot. Or then again, maybe they would not, because some of them would want to see more cheese.

So for you, it would be important if you want this to be taken seriously to go back to your original thoughts and think seriously on how do you want dress your hero. Simply jumping up and down, and flapping your side to make you warm wouldn't do any good. Trust me.

Alec was furious with himself for his bodies reaction, he had spent the last ten years preparing himself mentally and physically for this day, furious for being so weak, furious for not being able to control himself . At sixteen summers he was a physical specimen by any standards, rising at dawn to run as the sun rose high in the sky, training with a trident with recruits of the Gold Wings, determined and focused that he would choose his caste not the fates or his ancestry. In four generations a Gold Wing had not been born to the Falconer family and Alec had decided he would be the first. However if he froze to death none of it would matter.

This whole para is telling and it's told by using omniscient narrator, not the close third person POV that we often advocate in this forum. Note that there's not seriously wrong on using omniscient POV, as it's often a good way to dump in the information, but in your case, if you want to stick by using it, you have develop it a bit further. Try to make it sounds as if the story is coming out from the mouth of a old man, not a god.

He began to stomp his feet trying to return circulation to the freezing digits, moving to the center of the flat mountain top he kneeled down and began to clear a spot, digging down till his hands felt rock pushing the snow off to the side leaving himself with a circle of ground beneath him. Taking a deep breath having finally adjusted his breathing and calmed the burning in his lungs Alec sat down crossing his legs beneath him to best utilize his own body heat {1}. A long inhale through his nose followed by a slow drawn out exhale through his mouth and he began to calm, centering himself and brining his system back under his own control knowing that this process could take hours, minutes and in some rare cases days.{2}

1. The red highlight should illustrate you where you veer from the closer perspective to a distant perspective, and into the mouth of a omniscient narrator. This is not what you want to do, because you want to stick as close to the character as you can.

2. In the second highlight I find the end of he sentence awfully jarring. It needs a rewrite and you should also check the words you're using because there's at least one spelling mistake, and words that I suspect your character wouldn't use to describe himself.

Coming of age for a young Angelus was simple in nature. Once a member off the host had reached the sixteenth summer of their life they would select a day. Once the day had been selected they would select an elder close to them. When that day was upon them before the sun would rise the two would meet outside the city gates and take to the air. The selected elder would fly the young one to The Plateau the highest point in the world, unreachable for those without flight and leave the subject there to fend for themselves. The goal, to allow the young adult the opportunity to survive on their own and the solitude to sprout their wings which would in turn decide their future.

In here, you're again using the Omniscient POV to infodump and tell to the readers on what's what. The current fashion is to trickle this sort information slowly through the prose, not dump it immediately to our laps.

I hope I have illustrated you on where you do wrong, and where you can do better. So I won't go any further because I believe my words are torturous already. Don't give up, rewrite the whole chapter, and every other chapters that are like this one. I trust you can do it, because you have raw talent, but you need awfully lot to get it honed to be perfect.

[chrispenycate]

That was a bit long, and lacked quite a few commas.

Originally Posted by Timothy Thomas

Chapter 1

The cold was nearly unbearable as he was dropped down in to

either "in", "to" or "into"

the snow. Slowly getting to his feet and brushing the cold white from his bare skin,

is that the wind who is brushing the snow off? If it is a masculine wind it has feet.

the wind howled wildly around him, his bare feet stepping cautiously toward the edge of the cliff

Full stop

before him nothing below to see save for clouds.

Confused with the "before" and the "below".

The Plateau, the highest point in the world and the proving ground for those looking to cross in to adult hood

probably "adulthood"

. Alec Falconer

comma

garbed only in a loin cloth

comma

calmly looked down at his frame prickled with bumps and burning from the cold. Closing his eyes he tried to remember the meditation techniques his father had tried to instill him but the cold was over bearing

probably "overbearing" and a comma

his toes beginning to to burn from the frost, his lungs burning as they adjusted to the thinner air.

Alec was furious with himself for his bodies

body's

reaction,

sentence break

he had spent the last ten years preparing himself mentally and physically for this day,

as written he had passed ten furious years; possibly not the best preparation.

furious for being so weak, furious for not being able to control himself. At sixteen summers he was a physical specimen by any standards, rising at dawn to run as the sun rose high in the sky, training with a trident with recruits of the Gold Wings, determined and focused that he

Confusion here has already been pointed out

would choose his caste not the fates or his ancestry. In four generations a Gold Wing had not been born to the Falconer family and Alec had decided he would be the first. However

comma

if he froze to death none of it would matter.

He began to stomp his feet

comma

trying to return circulation to the freezing digits,

Full stop

moving to the center of the flat mountain top he kneeled down and began to clear a spot, digging down till his hands felt rock pushing the snow off to the side leaving himself with a circle of ground beneath him. Taking a deep breath

comma

having finally adjusted his breathing and calmed the burning in his lungs

comma

Alec sat down

comma

crossing his legs beneath him to best utilize his own body heat. A long inhale through his nose followed by a slow

comma

drawn out exhale through his mouth and he began to calm, centering himself and brining

bringing

his system back under his own control

comma

knowing that this process could take hours, minutes and

probably "or" instead of "and", and a comma. Why did you use that order of time intervals? I would have thought that steady incrementation was more logical.

in some rare cases days.

Coming of age for a young Angelus was simple in nature. Once a member off

of

the host had reached the sixteenth summer of their life they would select a day. Once the day had been selected they would select an elder close to them. When that day was upon them before the sun would rise the two would meet outside the city gates and take to the air. The selected elder would fly the young one to The Plateau

comma

the highest point in the world, unreachable for those without flight

comma

and leave the subject there to fend for themselves. The goal, to allow the young adult the opportunity to survive on their own and the solitude to sprout their wings which would in turn decide their future.

For the Angelus the wings determined your status, your class, your caste

comma or "and"

your very adulthood. Some never returned from their trek, whether it be that their wings did not sprout before the cold took them, they were unable to grasp the flight attempting to descend or they decided that they were not able to live with what fate had dealt them no one knew. Your class and caste would be decided by the color and plume of your wings,

semicolon

be it builder, farmer, hunter, warrior or seamstress the trek would determine what your future would hold .

Alec

comma

since about six summers

comma, and I think an "ago" would be worth considering.

had decided that his wings would come in a magnificent white with golden tips, for he would be a Gold Wing. A warrior, a soldier

comma; and you are aware this is a fragment, not a true sentence?

a defender of the Host. Even now

comma

sitting in a small circle of snow

comma

he meditated

comma

trying to will his body to produce the plume he desired, chanting quietly to himself till he was brought back to reality by a grunt. Snapping his dark eyes open quickly he canted his head to the side in time to see a shadow dive back down below the edge and a form laid in the snow. Clenching his fists and biting back a growl he slowly stood. This was supposed to be his day,

semicolon

he knew that even though only one youth could select a day in The Host and none would be permitted here till he returned that did not stop other Hosts from sending their youth.
The boy rose much as Alec had

Comma

shivering as his body adjusted

Full stop

he was garbed in a loin cloth with a wool cloak around his shoulders,

Sentence break (probably worth rewriting to eliminate this one, for example removing the "He was" at the beginning of the sentence.

he seemed to notice for the first time that he wasn't alone

comma

jumping back and locking eyes on Alec.

"Easy, you have nothing to fear.

comma instead of full stop.

" Alec spoke calmly. "I'm here for the same reason I

as?

you."

"How do you know why I'm here?" The boy asked

comma

obviously caught off guard.

"There is only one reason people are here." Alec returned to the spot he had cleared

comma, and you don't need "down" and lowered"

lowering back down and slipping his legs beneath him. "Do me a favor and try to keep your teeth chattering down, I plan to focus and get this over with." Short and to the point he returned to his breathing in

and?

attempting to regain the calm that he had found before the interruption.

"I have never seen you before, which host are you from?"

No capital "T"

The young man questions

You're in past tense everywhere, so "questioned"

. Alec's eyes came open again and quickly narrowed as he focused on the boys

boy's

form. He was smaller then Alec both in height and build

at least a comma, but probably "with"[quote] his hair shaved tight to the top of his heaL", the "his" is still referring to the new boy, and this has no transient verb, so is a fragment.[/color]

letting a sigh break pass his lips as he resigned to the fact that this was not going to be how he pictured it.

"I am from The Dark Water Host." Something Alec took much pride in

is there a "was" in there? If not, what does the second half of the sentence have to do with the beginning?

standing back up to full height and squaring his shoulders with the smaller boy. To most his age Alec was probably fairly intimidating,

colon

muscled form, chiseled stomach and chest with a strong jaw, dark hair falling down to shape his face and land upon his shoulder

Full stop

he folded his arms across his chest. "My name is Alec, I suppose we should introduce ourselves if your

you're

going to insist on this constant banter."

"Collin, Collin Morley. I don't mean to be a bother,

semicolon

I am a bit nervous I guess." Shifting from foot to foot Collin failed to make eye contact with the larger boy across from him. "I guess I didn't expect anyone else to be up here

comma

you know?" As he spoke Alec was inspecting him, sizing him up in a sense. Even if he had already made his assessment,

semicolon

this boy would be a farmer at best

comma

nothing more, someone that Alec would hardly have any dealings with in his chosen future. "I'm from the east, the White Star Host.

Comma, and lower case "t" after the quotes.

" The boy continued, "The first this year to make the trek."
Alec's eyes rolled a bit as he listened to the beginning of the life story that he hardly cared about at all but

comma

as he was about to call a halt to his rambling

comma; and the "his" in "his rambling" would seem to refer to Alec.

he felt a sharp pain that sucked the wind right out of him. Dropping to a knee he let out a cry of pain

comma

barely able to hold himself semi upright. Squeezing his eyes closed tight and gritting his teeth as he felt pressure against his shoulder blades, the feeling of liquid running down the small of his back. He attempted to calm himself, tried to regain his breathing but the pain became more unbearable

semicolon at least; possibly a full stop (that's a period, from your spelling)

his fingers tightened in to

"in", "to", or "into"

balled fists as the other knee dropped down and left him on his hands and knees.

"Alec, Alec are you alright?" Collin took a single step closer

comma

not knowing what was happening and half wanting to run the other direction in pure dread.

"I, I can't" He tried to respond but couldn't as Alec opened his eyes the slightest bit only to see the liquid he felt was blood and now pooled around his knees. A second later his face hit the cold snow, the pain became so

with "as if" it's "as", rather than "so"

intense as if a short sword tore underneath each shoulder blade tearing the muscle open, the last thing he felt before he lost consciousness was the feeling of what he was sure was his arms being wrenched from his body.

The sun poured down

comma

slightly warming his numb body. Alec slowly tried to clear his head and pry his eyes open

at least a comma; preferably a restructure.

the sunlight blinding him for the first moment before his vision came back. It was day time, by his best guess nearing noon. Planting his hands down slowly he attempted to lift himself back up to his knees, inhaling the thin mountain air he quickly scanned the the area

comma

having no idea how long he had been asleep. Raising

"raising himself" or "rising"

up on his knee he tested it and found that he felt normal, as if nothing had happened

Period

slowly getting to his feet.

you could remove that period and "he suddenly realised (in past tense)

Suddenly he realize that he was alone. Where had Collin gone? There was no way that little runt had sprouted before Alec yet there was no sign of him. How long could he have lost consciousness? Having a span of time missing in your memory was not only strange but extremely frustrating.

Alec moved to cross the snow covered ground yet felt some resistance, as if being pulled backwards. The wind picked up and the pull began

became?

stronger, just as Alec's dark eyes grew larger. He flexed his shoulders, rolling them

comma

feeling the tightness

comma

feeling the drag of the new addition to his frame. Flexing them tightly he wrapped a set of large gray wings around himself

comma

crowned and tipped with silver. The mix of emotions that flooded through him threatened to take him in to the black void of unconsciousness again. He had sprouted, already in record time. He had sprouted a large set and now stood with them wrapped about him forming a coat to keep the cold out. Yet it was not the white and gold that he was

had been

certain it would be. All his dreams, all his ambitions lay scattered before him. Years of physical training, years of weapons training and years of weapons proficiency in order to prepare himself and now none of it would come to pass.

Gray and silver, the colors of the metal smiths

like tin woodmen? One word, I think.

, those who worked the forge and cast the tools a

and

weapons. Those who stoked fires and slaved for long hours in the heat of a fire pit in order to provide the much needed tempered steel the Host required for numerous things

personally I hate that "for numerous things"

. A role Alec believed was simply beneath him. Growling under his breath he clenched his fists and ran for the edge of the plateau, allowing all his anger

comma

all his new found frustration

comma

to drive him forward. He reached the edge in

a? seconds?

second and leapt with all the might in his legs straight out in order to clear the rocks below.
Blind instinct took over

comma

pulling his legs tight together

comma

his arms by his side

sides

and wings folding

folded?

against his back as he race

raced

straight down through the clouds. The freezing air ripped against his skin like small needles as his mass drove him faster and faster towards the ground miles below. Eyes closed tightly

comma

blinded by anger and frustration

comma

his mind raced

comma

wondering if he would even bother trying to fly or simply plummet to the earth below. Perhaps by choice or by instinct to survive his body tilted up horizontal as he broke through the clouds

comma

wings spreading high behind him to slow his decent

descent

. He was flying, riding on the wind,

at least semicolon

his eyes opened to take in the majesty below him as he began to glide and flex his shoulders in time to maintain height. Still easily hundreds of miles

hundreds of miles? How deep an atmosphere have they got?

above the land below

comma

the sight was simply breathtaking. He had been air born

Is that a play on words, or should it be "airborne"?

many times before, carried by one member of the host or another in his youth, yet nothing like this. His

His what? He?

was in control, as if

I think this is a "like" rather than an "as if".

a child being able to run for the first time his instinct took over

semicolon

diving forward, pulling up, dropping down and flexing his muscles more in order to climb and less to descend. All thoughts of misery at his fate faded in that magical moment, a moment of oneness, a moment of clarity

perhaps "in which"?

he realized exactly how much of a gift from the gods this truly was.

How much time had passed he was not sure, but finally he began his decent

descent

towards the ground. The warm air rushing up to great

greet

him and chase the chill from his skin.

fragment

He and Alistair had set a meeting place and

comma

during his play above

comma

he had caught sight of the plume of smoke rising up in to the air from the fire

do you need that "from the fire"?

. Alistair was one of his dearest friends, training partners and confidants, a Gold Wing that Alec had known nearly all his life and had selected to be his escort during his trek. Rolling his shoulders and pulling his wings tighter to his body he dove towards the fire

comma

gaining speed as the speck that was his friend began to grow in size. Suddenly he realized just how quickly the ground was coming upon him. He let his wings open to drag and slow him but his judgement was just a bit late. Placing his legs down to touch down on the ground the joints in his knees screamed in protest and he was forced to rush forward a bit and drop to a knee with momentum as he landed beside the fire.

"Landing comes with practice." Alistair grinned

comma

rising up from his position beside the fire. He was a large man as well, eighteen summers and easily Alec's equal in stature with a long golden mane flowing down his shoulders. He was dressed in the common wear of Gold Wings, a white tunic with black leggings, the crest of Dark Water emblazoned on his chest. Stretching a bit and letting his wide span of white feathers spread out behind him he took in the sight of his friend. "You may have beaten the record my friend. I was worried yesterday when I

saw?

the other."

"The other?" Alec's dark brow raised in question. "What other?" With a point of his hand his friend directed Alec's gaze to a small pile of dirt sitting off on the horizon.

"I was having evening meal when I heard his screams. He didn't have a chance

semicolon

the divot he left was almost enough to bury what was left."

Alec nodded slowly,

semicolon

it seemed that Collin had made his choice. "Survival of the fittest as they say. When I met him yesterday I had my doubts that he would survive the trek. I passed out at one point and when I awoke he was gone." Alec moved over to sit by the fire

comma

reaching to grab his pack that his friend had positioned there and pull out the clothing he had packed for the trip back.

"A Forger hmm?" The question was more probing then asking, it was obvious that Alistair could clearly see the plume behind him. "There are worse fates my friend, you could have been a scribe or a tailor" A small smirk played across his lips gauging Alec's mood again.

"True enough,

Depending on what this is meant to say, the punctuation varies. There could be a period here, or a semicolon, or a comma after "for". All legitimate meanings.

it is not what I had hoped for but at least an honorable trade,

period

I will still have some say in the defense of the Host by the temper of my steel." Alec spoke with half hearted enthusiasm

semicolon

he had already come to grips with his fate and decided the course. Taking his brown trousers from the bag he pulled them on over the loin cloth

comma

fastening the belt around his waist. "Besides, thanks to you I already have a sense of how the heft and balance of a weapon should be."

"That's the spirit mate, and I'll be your first customer." Alistair sat down

comma

letting his wings drop around him like cloak and returned to spinning the fox upon the spit that Alec had not even noticed over the fire. The two sat in relative silence for near to a hour while Alistair cooked and Alec buried himself in brooding thought. After their meal they would probably begin their voyage home. It had taken them half a day of non stop flight to reach the plateau yet Alistair was

had been

carrying Alec the entire time,

semicolon

now they should easily cut that time in half. Fully dressed he pulled his wings down behind him in the fashion he had seen most warriors do

comma, and probably "they" rather than "it" (or simplify to "to resemble a cloak"

so that it resembled a cape or cloak

comma

dreading the pomp and fan fair

unless he had that many fans I suspect "fanfare"

he would have to endure upon his arrival in DarkWater.