[WIP] Scene from "Firmware Update"

[Lenny]

I think I've finally cracked my opening scene for Firmware Update. I started it tonight whilst waiting for various processes to finish running.

The concept behind it is the same as in WIP, SF - Firmware Update - Earth in the distant future, progress in nanorobot technology has led to society using them to replace their organs with more efficient, easily maintainable mechanical ones. As with all great companies, the one behind this trend, Hockwynd Enterprises, is committed to providing a good experience to its customers, and so releases [once-]regular firmware updates for their lines of organs. Various outside forces disillusioned by the administration (in true capitalist style, Hockwynd Enterprises rules Britain through the Hockwynd Administration) have set out to cause trouble.

**Minor changes - WyndChange is now Hockwynd, and the human brain has been tampered with ever so slightly to allow these updates to take place.**

If I can, I'll have the works, please - grammar, punctuation and spelling, how does it read and flow, does it make sense, and how do you feel about it?

Brief warning - two uses of a fruity word to describe what you're left with having defecated.
EDIT: Nevermind, the forum filter stars them out.

931 words. Eeep - it looks longer in the post than I thought it would. Sorry!

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The loudspeakers around the city crackled into life, the static echoing around the huge main dome. People stopped and listened as a woman's voice smoothly read out the announcement.

"Firmware update five-three-nine-point-oh is estimated to go live in fifteen minutes. Please return home, or form orderly queues at the provided terminals. This update shall provide enhanced features, and security, for the major organs. Hockwynd Enterprises thanks you for your patience as we work to improve your quality of living. The update shall go live in fourteen minutes."

An excited chatter ran through the crowds as they made their way up the staircases to the thousands of terminal booths built halfway up the dome. Updates were getting rarer by the week, and there hadn't been a point-oh for months! The voice coolly repeated the message as the first people settled down in the booths, plugging themselves into the terminals and giving up their processes to the machines; any conscious action from a person could prove fatal during an update, as proven by early tests decades before.

"Firmware update five-three-nine-point-oh is estimated to go live in ten minutes."

Lights in the central control sphere, dangling from the top of the dome on thick cables, flickered on, and Hockwynd technicians in their blue uniforms began their patrol of the many levels of terminal booths; they'd get their updates later. Although each was extensively trained, the technicians were there for show, merely assuring the populace that help is on hand should something actually go wrong.

"The update shall go live in five minutes."

The terminal booths darkened - they'd slowly light up green as each occupant was updated to firmware five-three-nine-point-oh - and light music drifted lazily out of the speakers. Crowd control was important during updates, and the music had been carefully selected over the years to comfort those waiting for their updates. The last thing the Hockwynd administration wanted was masses running amok with out-of-date software; crowd control was very important.

"Thank you for your patience. Firmware update five-three-nine-point-oh is now live. Hockwynd Enterprises hopes you enjoy the latest features they offer."

In the central control sphere, operators rushed to their seats, tapped in series of commands and opened the connections to the local server bank at the heart of the region. The lights in the city dimmed, giving the supervisors a clear view of the terminal booth levels. Monitors around the room showed the progress of every single person in every single booth as the update was downloaded straight to the spinal column, split into individual packages by enhanced brains, and redirected via the nervous system to individual organs - new beat patterns to the heart, improved breathing algorithms to the lungs, enhanced picture recognition programs to the optic nerve. Each organ received a more efficient this or a brand new that; in a point-oh update, you get the works.

The first wave was a complete success - the dome was slowly lit up by a green glow as the new features, and security updates, were installed. The story was the same with the second wave, and the third.

"Sir! We have a brick in 53F, Block M."

"****. Send in the techies." There was always one. One person who spoiled the whole process and bricked themselves. Probably an enthusiast, or some programming know-it-all who thought he could patch himself and stay ahead of the other kids. It had been months, years even, since the last totally successful update. Why didn't people just leave themselves alone?

A swarm of technicians closed in on the unfortunate casualty in the red-lit terminal booth, a nasty mark in a sea of green.

"Another, 22J, Block T."

"A third here, sir - H79A."

"Three?"

"Five, sir. Two more. J."

"OK...OK... someone put out message, ah, the staying calm one... 3HF8."

The light music faded out to be replaced by the woman's voice. "We apologise for any concern, and would like to re-assure you that these few incidents are unrelated. Please stay calm as our team of Hockwynd Enterprises technicians resolve the problem. We thank you for your patience."

Only a handful of brave people entered the empty booths as those lucky enough to have a successful update rushed away, visibly shaken. It was a mistake they would pay for. Almost instantly, every occupied booth flashed red.

The supervisors in the central control sphere were panicking - they hadn't been ready for something on this scale.

"Shut it down!" screamed the head technician. "Shut it down now!"

The operators stared at him. Shut it down?

"Sir, there are almost eight thousand people still in the booths - we could lose them all! Eight thousands people with barely complete..."

"Yeah, and you'd prefer them to have a finished update that might leave them dead? Shut it down. NOW!"

Horrified, everyone in the room scrambled to unplug everything in reach; anything to kill the connection. Gradually, the lights in the booths faded, and the entire city was smothered by darkness. Slowly, the emergency lighting systems flickered into operation, and a harsh, man's voice boomed from the loudspeakers.

"Please stay calm whilst we assess the situation. I repeat, please stay calm. Force will be used, if necessary. Thank you for your understanding."

The central control sphere was silent. The head technician was sat on the edge of his desk, head in hands, watched by visibly sweating, pale faces. He sighed, ran his hands through his hair, and looked up.

"Someone get London on the phone. I need to speak with Harvey. ****... they're going to have my head for this."

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi Lenny:

Interesting excerpt.

It's a bit late so I haven't given it a thorough 'going over'. However the crackles and light dimming seems a bit incongruous to the super efficient technology that you seem to be suggesting exists.

I fancy that most people would baulk at the thought of trusting machines that seem to be underrated or faulty, given the seriousness of what the update does. Another thing is that would (given that people would have had many bitter experiences like Vista) be so keen to be first in the queue for such an update. Possibly those still running the equivalent of DOS would be eager - life and death performance issues etc - but if I was fully up and running with Windows 7 I might hang back and see if anyone dies.

Unless that's part of the plot in which case it needs a bit of clarification maybe.

Wasn't sure about the brick.

[Lenny]

Ah yes, sorry. The whole thing is set some way into the future (I can't for the life of me remember when, but 2135 springs to mind. I need to go back to my notes). In this future, updates are as normal as breathing - it's something that has been implanted into the thoughts over generations until it was accepted. A usual update would see less than five or so "bricks" (a term used today for tech that is made unusable by a software update - it's only use is as a brick... geddit?) in the thousands of updates per city - maybe one in fifty thousand, and even then it's from dodgy homebrews (another term from today - think brewing your own beer, but as a computer program to, say, control your lungs). Theoretically, the process is completely safe, and even with those who modify themselves with unofficial patches, the odds are still in your favour, particularly when society has been conditioned to accept it as an everyday thing (Hockwynd aren't a company with morals, but rather one run by people who like technology so much, they don't think of its implications, or the human cost).

This incident (I'm considering making it Millwall - the Millwall Brick disaster... no?) is truly terrible. Over 8000 people in the same city are potentially bricked in a procedure that normally sees numbers like that for a whole country.

I'm planning on the next scene being a news report questioning things, and acting as a slight info dump to clue the reader in... but not too much. A few statistics, maybe.

I hope that helps clarify things - I'll try and be clearer in the future when introducing things for critique.

EDIT: The plan is, over the course of the book, to make things clearer to the reader - a news report with statistics showing the true horror of the disaster, a hacked broadcast by a rebel faction (or similar) telling people to question the terrifying existence the corporation has forced them into.

It's kinda hard to explain everything for a critique without a huge post. That or I'm coming up with strange, abstract things.
---

Good point about the lights and sound - hadn't thought of flickering/crackling in a hi-tech society. A job for tomorrow.

[TheDustyZebra]

I think it's an interesting story, and I hope I get to see where it's going.

"The update shall..." is driving me crazy, by itself and also as it alternates with "the update is estimated...". "Shall be" is a proclamation, and "is estimated to be" is rather less precise than that. "I shall return" is not at all the same thing as "I estimate that I will be back."

operators rushed to their seats

This is jarring, considering that the announcements have been counting down for fifteen minutes. I picture operators sitting at terminals, waiting to push the buttons or flip the switches or press the keys that start the updates. I can't see them rushing at this point like they didn't know it was coming.

The light music faded out to be replaced by the woman's voice. "We apologise for any concern, and would like to re-assure you that these few incidents are unrelated. Please stay calm as our team of Hockwynd Enterprises technicians resolve the problem. We thank you for your patience."

Reassure is all one word, and team resolves the problem. Aside from that, unless I'm misinterpreting, it seems premature to be making a general announcement of this magnitude. Wherever the five bricks took place, people there would have seen "these few incidents", but at this point nobody else would have seen more than one. I'm not sure that Hockwynd would be admitting to any cause for concern yet, much less apologizing in general.

"Sir, there are almost eight thousand people still in the booths - we could lose them all! Eight thousands people with barely complete..."

Eight thousand people. "Barely complete" in a firmware update should translate into "done" and not be a problem. "Barely started", perhaps?

[fkatona]

Hi there!

Grammar, punctuation, and spelling are pretty good. A couple of nits:

One person who spoiled the whole process and bricked themselves.

Should be himself.

An excited chatter ran through the crowds as they made their way up the staircases to the thousands of terminal booths built halfway up the dome.

Some ambiguity. Does the chatter go up the staircases?

Overall, the piece reads easily and flows well. Nice! I'll leave my crits to content:

I thought the female voice was a real person at first.

People stopped and listened as a woman's voice smoothly read out the announcement.

The red part gave me that idea.

The voice coolly repeated the message

Why was she smooth the first time and cool the second time around? Wouldn't it be the same recording?

"Firmware update five-three-nine-point-oh is estimated to go live in ten minutes."

and then

"The update shall go live in five minutes."

Only a person would change sentences to avoid repetition.

Suggestion: Eliminate descriptors for the voice and use repetition to your advantage.

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

However the crackles and light dimming seems a bit incongruous to the super efficient technology that you seem to be suggesting exists.

I agree with TEIN.

Originally Posted by Lenny

A usual update would see less than five or so "bricks" (a term used today for tech that is made unusable by a software update - it's only use is as a brick... geddit?)

Unfortunately I don't. I like the word from an aesthetic perspective, but make sure to give a layman's explanation or you might alienate some readers who aren't up on tech lingo (myself included). I still don't know what a brick is, even after this comment.


Now let's look at some POV issues.

An excited chatter ran through the crowds as they made their way up the staircases to the thousands of terminal booths built halfway up the dome. Updates were getting rarer by the week, and there hadn't been a point-oh for months!

Third person - the second sentence gives us a peek from the crowd's perspective.

Although each was extensively trained, the technicians were there for show, merely assuring the populace that help is on hand should something actually go wrong.

Now the narrator is giving us insight into what the crowds don't know. Omniscient.

The last thing the Hockwynd administration wanted was masses running amok with out-of-date software; crowd control was very important.

The big bosses' perspectives.

Each organ received a more efficient this or a brand new that; in a point-oh update, you get the works.

This sentence has a bit of sass. Is the narrator's voice? Or are we from the perspective of somebody we mentioned? Someone we didn't?

"****. Send in the techies." There was always one. One person who spoiled the whole process and bricked themselves. Probably an enthusiast, or some programming know-it-all who thought he could patch himself and stay ahead of the other kids. It had been months, years even, since the last totally successful update. Why didn't people just leave themselves alone?

Floating dialogue starts this one out. Who is talking? Is it the head technician, who is introduced several paragraphs later? I'm assuming, whoever it is, the rest of this one comes from the speaker's perspective. Seems almost like internal dialogue.

We seem to get closer and closer to the head technician, until the end when it becomes clear he is the character we should be focusing on. Is the protagonist of the story? Is there a reason he doesn't get a name? If not, is there a reason the protagonist isn't here? Otherwise, this looks prologue-ish.

The head-jumping isn't incredibly jarring, but keep an eye out for it.

Hope I wasn't to harsh for you. Keep up the good work!

[Lenny]

Thanks for the feedback - I'll have a look at some of the things today. I like the suggestion about repetitions - thanks!

---

Bricks, right. The term has been around for years, but I only really came into contact with it in this generation of games consoles - Sony and Microsoft (and probably Nintendo to a degree) release what are known as firmware updates (updates to the software that the machines run) to give users extra features, better security, and generally improve the experience of using the machine.

Bricks come into play when the firmware update goes wrong - should the firmware be corrupt, or it doesn't install properly then the machine, which requires firmware to start up and run, won't start up and, obviously, you can't use it. Instead of an Xbox 360, you have a rather expensive unit which does nothing - the unit cannot function in any capacity, and thus has the same use as a brick.

The term "brick" comes from 1989, when a hard drive company, MiniScribe, shipped actual bricks to falsify end-of-year accounts. The term was taken on by the tech world, who started calling dead hard drives bricks, and it's since grown to encompass anything that is killed in some form or other (though technically it should be only through software problems - malware, bad updates).

Which means I need a clear definition to put in a footnote. I'll work on that, too.

Other definitions which I'll need are "firmware [update]", "homebrew", "patch" and possibly "mod".

The idea for this came from this generation of gaming - indeed, all the terms are ones that are used by gaming nerds to describe this, that and the other. I thought to myself, 'Imagine a future where humans need firmware updates, or can re-program themselves? Lulz - fleshy bricks!!".

[TheEndIsNigh]

Lenny:

Pretty technical myself - never heard the term brick in that way. I'm fairly sure that others I deal with have also not heard the term as I once designed a product that was marketed as a "data brick" (the customers choice). My point being that if the term were widely known they would hardly have chosen the name. Could be wrong though and my world is hardware and not software upgrades. Having said all that all the other terms were familiar.

I thought (especially given your preamble) that the 'brick' term referred to a completely different area, as in "s**t a brick". A term I am familiar with and which also seemed to fit in the story too .

In any case the explanation above would be some footnote and really trying to morph a person into a brick like object is a fairly big ask. I can imagine other terms that would get the point across better - zombie related terms for instance - Is the brick central to the story. If so you may need a historical prologue to familiarise the reader with the reasoning you use.

My god did I just suggest a prologue - I must be losing it.

[Lenny]

I must be too - I like to have little info dumps leading in to stories, and expanding it to include a few terms and ideas isn't too hard!

Using brick the way I do might be a gaming nerd flaw, I'm afraid. I've heard the term data brick - I imagine different terms are known as different things within different parts of the industry. Makes things a bit more... interesting. I think my footnote would have to be geared towards humans as bricks (because they give control over to the machine, in effect putting them into something like a coma, a failed update would leave them in that state).

A zombie, on the other hand, is something completely different - in today's terms it's a computer that has been hacked into, and performs malicious tasks irrespective of user input. Gives a new meaning to human zombies, eh?

[Ursa major]

No time to post a critique - that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it - but while I have heard of data bricks (and zombies with that meaning of the word) having someone bricking themselves usually means something more akin to a core dump, if I might put it like that.


(Oh and "themselves" is fine if the gender of the person is unknown.)

[fkatona]

I really don't need to why they are called bricks, much like I never questioned why we call dragons, dragons. It is your story, your world, and if you wanted to call them cheeses you can do that. I like the term brick. It has a dumb, dead-weight feel to it, and it fits.

However, I do need to know what they are and how they come about. I understand what a brick is in your story - a dead person, because their software went kapoot. Now to learn the how.

Bricks come into play when the firmware update goes wrong - should the firmware be corrupt, or it doesn't install properly then the machine, which requires firmware to start up and run, won't start up and, obviously, you can't use it.

This leads me to believe that it is an error on the part of the update. If there is a problem with the update itself - everyone receiving it would brick. There would be no greens.

Though in the excerpt, you say:

There was always one. One person who spoiled the whole process and bricked themselves. Probably an enthusiast, or some programming know-it-all who thought he could patch himself and stay ahead of the other kids. It had been months, years even, since the last totally successful update. Why didn't people just leave themselves alone?

This leads me to believe that it is an error on the part of the recipient - a person who tampers with his own software, making it a problem when he tries to receive a now incompatible update. Suddenly, when 8,000 people brick, I am confused because I think 8,000 people decided to tamper with themselves.

I am looking for more consistency in where the problem lies that causes this outcome.




I hope I made sense

Cheers.

[InfinitySquared]

According to Lenny, a 'bricking' also happens when the firmware fails to install, Fkat. Also, Lenny, I could see some people patching themselves to control electronics (at least via illegal patch), or weapons like armor suits or such.

And I believe 'data block' is the right term, TheEnd.

Anyways, it's nicely done story save for those mistakes already pointed out.