Novel One - Chapter one - Page one

[Marooned]

We all know this is mega important, so here is mine

Some info:
This is my first novel
A children's Fantasy Adventure
Currently 88,000 words
Looking to submit to agents in a month or so
I also have a blog, which I'll link later as I'm not allowed yet...

Let me know what you think about; the flow, style, grammar, hook etc...


A voice spoke out from behind. Rose, suddenly found herself not alone in the familiar, yet mysterious forest. Fear crawled over her skin, and began to ravage her inside and out. The voice was not from a human -- Rose knew that much.

However, this encounter is yet to occur. Not for another twelve hours and thirty-two minutes will Rose, tremble uncontrollably. At this moment in time, within the very same forest; a large auburn leaf, glides, flips and spirals down towards Rose’s golden locks. The forest is picturesque English woodland of Hampshire, at its finest. Amongst the trees on the sunny, albeit chilly Sunday afternoon; Rose, aged nine (nearly ten) looks towards the stark blue sky. She stands beneath a grant sycamore tree, adored by Autumn glow. Surrounded by the gentle sound of leaves swaying in the light breeze; Rose takes in a lung full of air, and exhales blissfully.

Later however; the very same tree is bathed in silver moonlight. Darkness will surround Rose, with shadows of claw-like branches swaying by unsettled air; not making gentle sounds, but creeks, rattles and whistles. Panic stricken, intense terror cascades from her every heartbeat. There is someone behind; and not human -- that is all Rose can fathom.

But not yet, though soon it will happen; in twelve hours and thirty-one minutes. Thankfully, Rose is unaware of the impending moment that awaits her. Instead, she picks up another small log, and places it within her father’s wheelbarrow.

end/

Thanks

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi Marooned and welcome - You should start a thread in introductions so we can all give you a proper welcome although it isn't compulsory at least you'll get a flavour of the what you're getting involved with.

I'm useless at grammar. I tend to be one of the picky details ones as you may find.

Red remove
Blue comments
green possible alternatives

Anything else - who knows?

All comments are only opinions.

Here goes :-

Originally Posted by Marooned

We all know this is mega important, so here is mine

Some info:
This is my first novel
A children's Fantasy Adventure
Currently 88,000 words
Looking to submit to agents in a month or so
I also have a blog, which I'll link later as I'm not allowed yet...

Let me know what you think about; the flow, style, grammar, hook etc...


A ('The voice' maybe) voice spoke out from behind. Rose, suddenly found herself not alone in the familiar, yet mysterious forest (general point - can you be familiar with something that's mysterious). Fear crawled over her skin, and began to ravage her inside and out. (there's a conflict here between crawling over her skin and inside out) The voice was not from a human; -- Rose she knew that much. (too many Roses)

(Not sure this works. It has happened, you've just told us. It isn't not going to happen. If you want a flash back then say so. Something like 'Twelve hours and thirty two minutes before...')

However, this encounter is yet to occur. Not for another twelve hours and thirty-two minutes will Rose, tremble uncontrollably. At this moment in time, within the very same forest; a large auburn leaf, glides, flips and spirals down towards Rose’s golden locks. (mysterious forest and goldilocks - was that intentional if not I'm in 'three bears mode' anyway) The forest is picturesque (no it isn't it's mysterious and makes peoples skin crawl) English woodland of Hampshire, at its finest. Amongst the trees on the sunny, albeit chilly Sunday afternoon; Rose, aged nine (nearly ten) looks towards the stark (through all those leaves and branches?) blue sky. She stands beneath a grant sycamore tree, adored (adorned) by Autumn glow. Surrounded by the gentle sound of leaves swaying in the light breeze; Rose takes in a lung full of air, and exhales blissfully. (lung full? what's wrong with a deep breath)

(too much time hoping can be difficult to follow)

Later however; the very same tree is bathed in silver moonlight. Darkness will surround Rose, with shadows of claw-like branches swaying by unsettled air; not making gentle sounds, but creeks, rattles and whistles. Panic stricken, intense terror cascades from her every heartbeat. There is someone behind; and not human -- that is all Rose can fathom. (tense hoping - future in the past - then present )


(Hoping again)

But not yet, though soon it will happen; in twelve hours and thirty-one minutes. Thankfully, Rose is unaware of the impending moment that awaits her. Instead, she picks up another small log, and places it within her father’s wheelbarrow.

end/

Thanks

Hmmm on the whole I don't think this worked. These attempts to build the tension are confusing and shouldn't be necessary. It can be really annoying to be told that Fred's going to die and then waste the readers time describing how and when he dies. It's like reading the last page of the whodunit first. The reader gets fed up because he already knows what's coming, so why bother.

Sorry if I sound negative and remember others may not (I'll be surprised if they do) agree. Everyone has a different view on things so be prepared to kick my critique into touch (do it anyway if you like) if others think this is OK.

Hope I helped.

TEiN

[C Of K]

Originally Posted by Marooned

A voice spoke out from behind.

My first issue was that I had no idea what the voice was behind. You tell us that the voice is behind before you introduce Rose. Now, some may consider this an artsy, mysterious, way to do things. It just leaves me scratching my head for a paragraph or two.

Rose, suddenly found herself not alone in the familiar, yet mysterious forest.

I have a few issues with this part. First, there should be no comma after Rose. Second, the narration here is awkward. There must be a clear way to point out that Rose just realized she was being watched.

Not for another twelve hours and thirty-two minutes will Rose, tremble uncontrollably.

There you go with that mysterious comma after her name again...

There is someone behind; and not human

I would find this a much smoother read if you would say There was someone, or something, inhuman behind her.

[Marooned]

Thanks for the great insight. I guess it can be quite confusing, and is probably the most complex page of the whole book – going from future to present a few times. I might do that only the once instead. I’ll have a think about that.

[The Judge]

Hello and Welcome to the Chronicles! As TEIN says, go along to Introductions and be welcomed officially by the usual suspects.

TEIN says he is picky. He isn't. He's a pussy cat. Now me -- I'm picky. So what follows may seem like a savaging. But let me say at once that I am in no way trying to discourage you from writing - it just so happens that I am perhaps more conscious than others about the use of words, and when I see something wrong I jump on it. (Never get between me and a split infinitive!)

But before I start, can I just say how refreshing it is to find someone who has read the stickies and produced a piece for critique which is short and in a readable font. Thank you for this.

A voice spoke out from behind. - this didn't worry me. I didn't mind that there wasn't someone behind as yet - so already you'll appreciate that there are differences of opinion about writing on here!

Rose, suddenly found herself not alone in the familiar, yet mysterious forest. - this did worry me, for reasons already mentioned. The comma is wrong; the 'suddenly' adds nothing; and the familiar/mysterious dichotomy is presumably meant to be intriguing, but it's simply irritating.

Fear crawled over her skin, and began to ravage her inside and out. - how can fear ravage one on the outside?

The voice was not from a human - surely more usual to write 'was not human'?

But at this point I'm already getting a bit narked because you haven't told me anything about the voice, apart from its non-human quality. So why is she frightened? Is it loud, chilling, close at hand, near to her ear, cold, rasping, grating? And what on earth is it saying? (I did initially wonder if it was calling her name, hence the odd comma after 'Rose' earlier - if that is the case, you need to make it clear.)

However, this encounter is yet to occur. - OK. Several problems here. First, you're right that on some occasions 'is' is more grammatically correct than the more usual and demotic 'has'. This isn't one of them. Second, time-jumping is annoying. Unless there is a very good reason for it (a very, very good reason) I'd suggest you dispense with it altogether. Finally, there is a great deal of discussion all over Aspiring Writers about POV. I'm far from being an expert. What I do know is, this is a jump from her POV into authorial interjection - ie this is you talking to the reader. This can work, particularly in children's stories. Whether you can make it work here is perhaps another question.

Not for another twelve hours and thirty-two minutes will Rose, tremble uncontrollably. - as C of K says, wrong comma again. And 'tremble uncontrollably'? Try something less cliched, I think.

At this moment in time, - if there is any expression in the English language which ought to be put to the stake it is this one. Unless you are writing the dialogue for a pretentious MP, consign this to the flames.

the very same forest; a large auburn leaf - wrong use of a semi-colon; a comma would have been sufficient.

a large auburn leaf, glides, - so we're in present tense for 'now', even though we were in past tense for the future night time scene?

towards Rose’s golden locks. - should there be some kind of klaxon warning for an approaching cliche?

The forest is picturesque English woodland of Hampshire, at its finest. - 'forest' and 'woodland' are not in fact synonymous. Decide which this is and stick to it. Comma use dubious, to put it mildly. And the 'picturesque' and 'at its finest' are not only boring and cliched, but you being authorial narrator again.

Amongst the trees on the sunny, albeit chilly Sunday afternoon; Rose, aged nine (nearly ten) looks towards the stark blue sky. - wrong use of the semi-colon again and if you are comma-ing after Rose, you have to complete the sub-clause by putting a comma after the '(nearly ten)'. 'Albeit' is a lovely word and I use it whenever I can. It is not a word in a 9 year old girl's vocabulary and sticks out here - this is you as author being pompous. It's particularly egregious as you then descend right into Rose's POV with the '(nearly ten)'.

She stands beneath a grant sycamore tree, adored by Autumn glow. - I'm assuming 'grant' is a typo for 'giant' - but watch your adjectives anyway, you're starting to get top heavy with them. The 'adored' is ambiguous - strictly in the context of the sentence it is her being 'adored'; if as I suspect you mean the tree, either 'which is' or re-phrase the sentence. And I quite like the idea of a tree being 'adored' but I imagine TEIN is right and this is a typo for 'adorned' - but I have to say this reads as an attempt to be poetic, but is merely pretentious.

Surrounded by the gentle sound of leaves swaying in the light breeze; Rose takes in a lung full of air, and exhales blissfully. - what is it about semi-colons that you feel you must use them indiscriminatingly like this? Again, this should be a comma. Why does she only take in 'a lung' of air - has she had the other removed? And when it is full of air, where does she take it in to? Perhaps you mean 'lungful'? Though frankly it's not particularly inspired. As TEIN says, a deep breath is quite enough. And I'd drop the 'exhales blissfully' if I were you - it adds nothing but a feeling that you don't understand how adverbs work.

Later however; the very same tree is bathed in silver moonlight. - another flaming semi-colon - get rid of it. You've used the 'very same' for the forest earlier. And I'm now getting annoyed that you're time-jumping again.

Darkness will surround Rose - right, your tenses are all over the place with this time jumping. You started in the past tense when you were in the night forest. Then you went the present for the afternoon scene. Then you stayed in present for the night - 'later...is bathed' - and now you go to the future tense. This is not working.

with shadows of claw-like branches swaying by unsettled air; not making gentle sounds, but creeks, rattles and whistles. - the good news is, this semi-colon is right!! (Luck - or the law of averages?? ) But the construction fails because the verb in the second part, the 'not making', has to refer to the subject of the previous sub-clause, ie the darkness, which it patently doesn't. (In fact, this wouldn't have worried me if I'd thought it was a deliberate choice of you talking of the darkness in this way, but I strongly suspect it is a mistake and you are in fact referring to the noises of the branches.)

Panic stricken, intense terror cascades from her every heartbeat. - again a faulty construction. the 'panic stricken' needs a subject - and the only one you are offering is 'heartbeat' which isn't enough.

There is someone behind; and not human -- that is all Rose can fathom. - wrong use of semi-colon again. I'd suggest a full stop this time. And 'fathom' is again not a word in a 9 year old's vocabulary.

But not yet, though soon it will happen; in twelve hours and thirty-one minutes. - wrong use of semi-colon - should be a colon here. And I am seriously p****d off with the time-jumping now.

Thankfully, Rose is unaware of the impending moment that awaits her. - yep, I was right, you don't understand the proper use of adverbs like this ('thankfully' does not mean 'fortunately'). 'Impending' and 'awaits' are all but tautologous. And this attempt to build up tension would frankly make me throw any book across the room.

Instead, she picks up another small log, and places it within her father’s wheelbarrow. - 'within' is wrong - 'in' is sufficient unless the wheelbarrow has a roof on it.

Well, as you can see, I've been harsh and I hope I haven't offended you by my comments. But it does seem to me that on the one hand you are trying too hard (the elaborate, even pretentious language, and the over use of semi-colons as if you think this is a more 'writerly' piece of punctuation) and on the other you haven't tried hard enough (use of words without thinking of their meaning, sloppy uses of commas). The main problems, though, are the jumping in time backwards and forwards as you do, and the use of the authorial voice. Both things can be made to work, but they require a very good technique, and I'm not convinced that you are there yet, to be honest.

As I said at the beginning, I do not want to put you off writing. You have (semi-colons aside!) a grasp of punctuation, spelling and grammar, which is far better than some efforts we see here. You have a story which I am sure is full of intriguing and exciting moments, and I do like some of the imagery you have here. I do, though, think that you have a good deal of work to do to get this up to publishable standard. But I am sure that if you take on board some of these suggestions, and listen to people like TEIN and C of K, that you will be getting there soon.

Good luck.

J

[Marooned]

Thanks Judge, I'm going to have a semi-colon killing tongiht

Your comments are a real eye opener, and I may have to rethink submitting within a month.

What's strange is 'The Judge' is a character in my book...
An evil, powerful one i should add.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Oooh spoooooooky

J. Have you been dream weaving again?

[The Judge]

Originally Posted by Marooned

What's strange is 'The Judge' is a character in my book...
An evil, powerful one i should add.

And devastatingly beautiful and sexy I trust... and louboutin heels please - all the better for grinding peasants into the dust.

Yes, TEIN you are right. My quest for world domination continues - let those who abuse the subjunctive beware!

J

[Bontemps]

Welcome Marooned.
I haven't read the comments already made but I see The Judge and TEIN are on the scene, so I know they will have been thorough (technical expertise is not my strong suit, but those guys know their stuff).

I must admit I did find it a bit confusing. I know the effect you were going for, creating tension but I found the flashback/flashforward effect a bit too confusing.

At the beginning of a book, I'm kinda looking to get a feel of the story, a handle on the main character and a hint of what is to come.

This was a bit of a cold plunge in the dark, and I was left a bit 'Whassa?' and wide-eyed.

I dont know if it would be easier on the eye if they were seperated as it was a little too busy (I know, wisdom says start with a bang, right?),

But I thought the events sounded interesting, once I'd read it a few times.

Although this could be just me being 'a bear of very little brain.'

[Marooned]

Hi Bontemps -- yeah it was too confusing. I've condensed the whole page into one paragraph. But thanks for your thoughts. The new excerpt is below. Feel free to crit everything


The voice spoke from behind. Rose could not understand how, nor why, whilst standing alone within the moonlit forest. Spoken, almost to her ear; imposing fear beyond her nine years. The voice came from no human. That is all her thoughts could generate -- over and over again.


Twelve hours and thirty-two minutes earlier…


“Rose!” shouted a faint, but manly voice through the forest. “Serving soon!”


“Okay!” yelped Rose, without seeing her father.


She picked up the remaining logs and fallen tree branches, and placed them into the wheelbarrow. With a leaning forward push, the wheelbarrow bumped and wobbled over the damp leafy ground, and off she trod towards home.


The sun shone low through the Autumn trees of Hampshire forest; barley heating the birds that tweeted, whooped and whistled. Strolling along and down the winding path, Rose kept a firm grip on the handles, whilst humming a tune she had heard on the radio earlier. She crossed over a small bridge, listening to the trickling stream. Climbed a steep hill, making good use of her wellies. And past the broken tree house, now abandoned due to wood rot. Finally, at the top of the hill, she came to a fence that divided the Ashworth’s home from the forest. The fence also appeared in a sorrow state, as that too had become infected with the rot.


Rose’s father knelt down at the bottom of the garden, arranging a pile of branches. His hair was a shade darker than the bark he held in his hands. He was clean shaven, and Rose thought he looked ten years younger since removing his beard. And by doing so, he appeared almost forty-years-old -- which was true.


Her father was more than adapt when working with timber. Day in, day out, he made a decent living out of carving, joining and maintaining home furniture. Rose admired his craftsmanship, even though she looked forward to seeing his beautifully arranged pyramid of branches -- burn to a crisp.