Tiger Claw Chapter 1 wc 2739

[Michael01]

I'm not sure if I posted an earlier draft of this here before. I did on AW, but it's been a while and I've done a lot of work on it since then. It's a bit long, so I'll understand if you can't get through it all.

I'm looking for any crit you can provide. There are some things I know I still have trouble with that I've been working very hard to fix.

The previous draft had a lot of exposition. Way too much. But I tried to cut just about all of it, so I hope it isn't confusing. Actually, it kind of looks confusing to me, but not because of the lack of exposition...

Aww, is still looks like every other paragraph begins with "Qla" too (at least near the end). And please let me know if you think that second to the last paragraph looks like a head hop. Heh. It's cool. Have at it, please.

EDIT: That settle's it. I'm removing the Italics from "muozi" in my manuscript. Grr...

Tiger Claw
Chapter One: War Witch

Qla edged along the flat roof of the hut, waiting for the imps to renew their attacks. The moon was low, nearly set, and she knew they would come soon. Another long night of combat would begin, with every second diminishing her chances to survive. Her numerous wounds, acquired from imp claws and muozi fangs, were like fire on her skin.

The magic surrounding the village of Shanang made her skin tingle and her eyes itch. Each spell and its caster were distinct to her Witch sight, like the yellow shimmer of her partner Gazi’s shield. On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura, the bronze trail that followed his wand and, with him, Den’s green as he gripped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back. Above, she could almost make out the faint glitter of the magical shield the priests had created earlier.

As she scanned the spiral of huts that made Shanang village, Qla offered a silent prayer to the Goddess. At least nine people among the assembled Covens were dead and Qla suspected more would die tonight.

Gazi stood as far away from her as possible on the roof, which made no sense to her. In the Coven, they were both subjects of the Hell Priest. Gazi had a dark nature but remained anxious of the curse that had plagued Qla since her Rite of Passage.

They will always be afraid.

Grinding her teeth, she forced herself to stay alert.

At that moment the mind-voice of Hell Priest Cheun shattered the silence.

<Shadow on the southern horizon!>

Qla glanced at the roof on her left and saw him point toward the mountains. A black stain began to crawl up from the ridge into the night sky, covering the stars and diminishing visibility. The shadow stretched toward them and encompassed the entire village before Qla had her sword unsheathed. Then the sky burst into hundreds of tiny black shards that rained down on Shanang.

Goddess, let the shield hold.

As the shadows neared the village, Qla spread her legs into a fighting stance, holding her sword head high with the point up.

The first wave of imps appeared above the village. Dozens of little black demons with large bat wings, ranging from three to fifteen hand spans in height, became visible in Shanang's torchlight. One of the biggest howled and swooped toward Qla. She braced herself for contact.

Red eyes glaring, the creature stretched long black talons toward her. Qla began to recite a spell when the imp came within twenty hand spans, but then it stopped in mid-flight.

A glowing red fire surrounded the monster as the magic of the shield took effect. Qla saw its mouth open just before the entire body exploded into a cloud of sparks. Seconds later, more imps fried when they struck the shield.

None of them had time to scream.

But there were still the muozi Coven and their shadow monkey familiars. Together, the muozi were at least as powerful as two Covens—or more—and each one had three pets.

The odds are not good—

The familiars descended upon the village before she could finish her thought. Shadow monkeys did not have wings, but Qla suspected the muozi held them aloft with magic. The first three dropped toward the inner huts. Then three more monkeys landed on the outermost hut and engaged the Priest and War Witch posted there.

But Qla could not spare the time to watch, because the next set of familiars attacked Cheun at that moment. Two of them fell on the Hell Priest as the other darted across the roof toward the gap between huts. When it neared the edge, it sprang over the expanse and reached for Qla with long, gray arms and claws.

"Dark Huntress rise!" she said. "Ju’Xai Yu!"

Qla waved the long, curved blade in a wide horizontal arc as the monster approached. A dark shadow extended from the sword and carved the monkey in half. Qla ended her strike with Dark Huntress pointed behind her, watching her opponent dissolve into dust.

Her desire for revenge mingled with the curse when she fought. Sometimes the combination worked against the enemy but also made her dark magic unpredictable. Checking the other roof to be sure the shadow blade had not grown so far, Qla was glad to see nothing amiss—besides her comrades in combat.

One shadow monkey had all four limbs wrapped around Cheun's shoulders and waist. A second beast had Cheun's partner pinned to the roof, claws poised to slash his face.

Taking four steps backward, Qla chanted a spell of minor levitation and prepared to jump. A rancid odor tickled her nose then, and a dark, hairy mass slammed into her left side.

The strong wood of the roof buckled under the stress of their landing but did not collapse. Qla’s head lay near the edge and she saw Dark Huntress on the ground below.

I must have dropped it. Not good.

Drool splattered on her face when Qla twisted around beneath the monster. She freed her arms and grabbed its shoulders. The shadow monkey howled. Qla rolled to the left, pinned the monkey with her knees, and then reached for the dagger strapped to her right leg.

Something cackled behind her just before claws dug into her back and tore her vest. Her body tensed and she screamed.

Biting her lip, she willed her hand to move and wrapped her fingers around the hilt of the dagger. She pulled it loose and swung around to drive the blade into the second attacker's throat. The monster fell backward, clutching at the dagger in vain.

But now the monkey under her was free to move. Qla felt the motion in the air before the claws lanced her cheek. She rolled backward, then stood up to face the creature.

As she reached for a throwing star on her left arm, another shadow landed less than ten hand spans to her left on the roof. She cast a spell and tossed the star at the first attacker, then regarded the newest.

The monster sneered and took a step toward her.

Qla could see the Hell Priest fighting with three familiars on the other roof. Den had fallen and Cheun would not live long. She probed with her Witch sense for Gazi and found him alive but engaged. All of this she did without removing her eyes from her opponent.

The monkey did not move as if waiting for something.

What is wrong here?

Then another monster climbed onto the roof and stood beside the other.

More? How many of them wish to attack me?

The monkeys had the ability to hide their magic. Qla would need to turn her head to look for more but she dared not.

Before her adversaries could move again, Qla shouted, "Dark Huntress return! Ju’Xai Yu!"

The sword reappeared in her hands as the fourth shadow monkey to attack her tonight lunged.

Qla gauged the distance between herself and the next hut. She knew she stood in the middle of the roof, which meant Cheun should be safe. If she did not turn all the way around, she need not fear killing Gazi either.

"Dark Huntress rise! Ju’Xai Yu!"

She swung the blade in time to catch the creature in the air, preventing an imminent collision. The shadow sword also grew long enough to kill the other beast. Qla ended the motion facing the left, toward the inner spiral of huts.

As the blade moved between the huts, two more shadow monkeys headed for her fell in its wake.

Qla watched them drop to the ground and then noticed two more coming toward her across the rooftops. A Sana Yuzu War Witch beheaded one as it tried to pass. Then he tossed a star that struck the second in the eye.

Nine? Nine familiars came for me?

She stiffened when she realized she could not sense Gazi's presence. Slowly, she turned her head to the left.

Gazi and his assailant lay dead on the roof.

Anger and fear seized her heart as she turned to look for Cheun. Somehow, he had survived and continued to fight two familiars alone.

"There is power in the Hunt," she whispered, assessing her magic.

The levitation spell she had cast earlier remained active. Qla sheathed her sword and did not hesitate this time. She ran toward the edge of the hut and leapt across, then landed on all fours without crashing through the roof.

A strong shield surrounding Cheun kept the monsters at bay. But they were relentless, claws slashing and long arms pounding again and again to rend the shield. The Hell Priest’s shoulders sagged. He could not hold them for long.

Qla reached for a throwing star in the leather band on her forearm and cast a spell on it. Then she flung it toward the nearest shadow monkey. The star lodged in the creature's back. Arcane fire burst from the wound. Within seconds a cloud of glittering red dust was all that remained of the monster.

Cheun’s wand blasted a green liquid at the second attacker. When the monkey rolled off the roof, howling, the magical shield faded and the Priest fell to his knees.

Qla took only one step closer to him, mindful of the curse.

"Cheun—" she said.

He looked up and tried to smile. "I am fine, Qla, but I think the familiars are all dead. The muozi will come now."

Qla turned around and saw that Cheun was correct. The Priests now attempted to fortify Coven protections to prepare for the next wave.

The muozi will not be so easy to kill.

"Why did so many of them concentrate on me?" she said.

Cheun shook his head. "How many?"

"Nine."

"I do not know, Qla. Perhaps they fear your curse."

Their allies laid this curse on me. Why would they do so if it will only hurt them?

An inhuman screech from above startled her.

Muozi descended upon the village. Like the familiars, they seemed to mark the Priests as their primary targets.

The leader was darkest to Qla's magical senses. The corrupted Witch landed on the hut with Dusha and his partner, Ji. Ji barred the way to the High Priest but the muozi cast her aside with a wave.

Dusha’s partner flew off the hut and into a tree. Even from this distance, Qla heard bones crack as the body sloughed to the ground.

The muozi laid eyes like cold moons on Dusha and began to approach him.

At first, Qla saw a hairy, ape-like body with leathery wings—until it transformed. A pale human face regarded her with a wicked grin before continuing toward the Hell Priest.

"Qla! Help!"

She had forgotten about Cheun. Qla turned to see a muozi crouched on the edge of the roof, pointing a wand at the Hell Priest.

This one also changed into a woman, except her skin, hair and eyes were solid gray. The Witch chanted something Qla could not hear and a monkey’s paw attached to the wand began to glow.

Qla was angry. Enough of her comrades had died this night.

She removed the blade from the sheath on her back and charged the muozi. Then she sliced downward to remove the Witch's hand. The hand and the wand fell on the roof and Qla kicked them away.

The Witch howled in pain and tried to reinforce her shields.

Qla did not plan to give her the chance. She drew Dark Huntress back and then plunged it into the muozi's belly. When she slid the blade out, the Witch fell over the edge and did not return.

"Qla," said Cheun behind her, "we must help Dusha."

She replaced her sword in the sheath, turned around and said, "Yes."

Qla recited the levitation spell again and jumped over the spiral path between the huts. She landed gently on the nearest dwelling, two steps away from Chin.

Chin rolled away to avoid contact and cursed under his breath. Qla ignored him and turned to the right, then darted for the next hut, where Dusha engaged the muozi High Priest.

Dusha held his shields but his spells—as powerful as they were—seemed useless, and the muozi's magic continued to fray the protections. Before Qla reached the hut, a sliver of green fire breached the shields and sliced through Dusha's left shoulder. The Hell Priest jerked from the impact but made no sound of distress.

Deu, another War Witch of Qla’s Coven, landed on the hut a second before her and rolled toward the enemy. As he rose to his feet, he rammed a knife into the Witch's lower back and she screamed.

Magical shields had little effect against a well-placed blade attack. But the muozi’s wound began to close immediately.

Qla saw the deathblow coming and knew Deu could not. In her Witch sight, tendrils of blackness writhed around the muozi’s body. She might be able to absorb the blow if she reached Deu in time.

Dusha could have countered the muozi spell. But the wound on his shoulder commanded his attention. Green fluid had bubbled from the gash and begun to spread down his arm.

Qla dashed forward and tackled Deu. She pushed him aside and the death spell struck her squarely in the chest. The claw marks on her back and other numerous scratches began to burn and she screamed. Darkness flooded her vision.

In the next instant, her heart stopped. Qla slumped forward until her face slapped against the wooden roof, but she felt nothing.

Then dark fire ignited within her chest and Qla’s heart began to beat again.

When she opened her eyes, Qla saw the angry Witch aim her wand and felt more magic stir in the air. She pressed her hands against the roof and pushed, thrusting her body upright. For a second she faltered, her body swaying back and forth as she fought for balance.

Qla spread her feet apart and breathed. I will not fall! Then she darted around the muozi to block Dusha.

The pale woman smiled as Qla drew her sword.

Black shadows stretched from the Witch's head and formed hands that reached for Qla. The Tiger Clan War Witch moved to block the attack with Dark Huntress.

The shadow hands wrapped around the blade and snapped it in two.

Qla dropped the useless sword.

A War Witch without a weapon was not very effective, but Qla had a few more. She reached for the throwing knife in the leather band around her right arm as the muozi prepared to cast another spell.

Qla tossed the knife and said, "Queen of Ice. Ju’Xai Yu!"

The knife left a trail of frost as it sliced through the air. The pale woman tried to strengthen her shields for the impact but was too late.

Qla's aim was true. The knife shattered the Witch's shields and then pierced her throat.

As the muozi reached for the instrument of her demise, ice formed around the wound and spread throughout her body.

Qla did not wait for her to find a way to thaw or stop to wonder how she had frozen a muozi High Priest. She snatched three stars, infused them with magic, and tossed them one after the other.

The statue of ice shattered into fragments when the last star found its mark.

The muozi High Priest was no more.

Qla trembled, then fell to her knees, unable to move.

Dusha yelled, "Qla!"

She sensed him kneeling beside her but could not respond. An invisible wound inflicted by the death spell throbbed in her chest. She coughed, folding her arms under her breasts, and rolled onto her side.

"Qla, what is this?" Dusha said.

Even if he wanted to heal her, he knew the peril of laying his hands on her cursed form. Others had already died in previous attempts. The most he would do was seal flesh wounds and ward them against infection. Besides, she wasn’t sure he could heal what ailed her then.

Qla heard him casting spells, felt the warmth of magic seep under her skin, and she thought another Priest had joined him. While they could not excise the darkness in her soul, she did feel some measure of relief.

[HareBrain]

This is very long for a piece to be critiqued. I also think it's pretty long for a battle scene, especially for an opening to ch1. Even when I already feel engaged with the characters, I might start to skim a fight-scene this long, but when I don't know them at all, it's inevitable. However, that might just be personal taste.

As a fight scene, though, it's written pretty well - it's generally clear what's going on and I wasn't confused, which is a big plus when you're dealing with something quite fast-moving.

There follow a few random points that I hope will be some help.

Another long night of combat would begin, with every second diminishing her chances to survive.

I think lines like this are a bit pointless; they read as though you're not convinced we understand how dangerous the situation is, when we get it much more clearly from the surrounding details of her wounds etc - showing not telling.

<Shadow on the southern horizon!>

Clever use of <> to denote telepathy. Shame it only occurs once.

Qla began to recite a spell when the imp came within twenty hand spans

This is picky, but "hand spans" sounds like the author being expository. How about just "spans"? Sounds more like the character's POV-voice.

None of them had time to scream.

I don't like lines like this, especially when they're put in paragraphs by themselves - they read like a too-obvious attempt by the author to make me think "wow" or "gosh", and they're the kind of thing I'd expect to come across in something by Dan Brown or that other guy.

I must have dropped it. Not good.

Would she actually think this, in these words? Or would she just think *******************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, i think it would be better tagged onto the previous paragraph in third-person-speak: "She must have dropped it. Not good."

Apart from the fact that it goes on too long for my taste in fight scenes, I found the setting and the feel of it different enough to make me interested in the story and the world it's set in. Is there a prologue? I recognise the term "war witch" from a previous submission, but this doesn't feel like the same story - is it?

[TheEndIsNigh]

By the cringe Michael - phew. Ok I've got my warm blanky ad several cans lets see how we do.

Originally Posted by Michael01

I'm not sure if I posted an earlier draft of this here before. I did on AW, but it's been a while and I've done a lot of work on it since then. It's a bit long, so I'll understand if you can't get through it all.

I'm looking for any crit you can provide. There are some things I know I still have trouble with that I've been working very hard to fix.

The previous draft had a lot of exposition. Way too much. But I tried to cut just about all of it, so I hope it isn't confusing. Actually, it kind of looks confusing to me, but not because of the lack of exposition...

Aww, is still looks like every other paragraph begins with "Qla" too (at least near the end). And please let me know if you think that second to the last paragraph looks like a head hop. Heh. It's cool. Have at it, please.

EDIT: That settle's it. I'm removing the Italics from "muozi" in my manuscript. Grr...

Tiger Claw
Chapter One: War Witch

Qla edged along the flat roof of the hut, waiting for the imps to renew their attacks. The moon was low, nearly set, (do moons set? I'd get in a bit of atmosphere here and make a reference to the eiry light that remained and the enlarged moon from atmospheric magnification) and she knew they would come soon. Another long night of combat would begin, with every second diminishing her chances to survive. Her numerous wounds, acquired from imp claws and muozi fangs, were like fire on her skin.

The magic surrounding the village of Shanang made her skin (loose the repeat of skin try flesh) tingle and her eyes itch. Each spell and its caster were distinct to her Witch sight, like the yellow shimmer of her partner Gazi’s shield. On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura, the bronze trail that followed his wand and, with him, Den’s green as he gripped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back. Above, she could almost make out the faint glitter of the magical shield the priests had created earlier. (The multi colours seem a bit too convenient everyone has a different one. It also sounds like a list of people that really doesn't add much I would save the individual colours for later when they actually cast)

As she scanned the spiral (circle?) of huts that made Shanang village, Qla offered a silent prayer to the Goddess. At least nine people among the assembled covens were dead and Qla suspected more would die tonight.

Gazi stood as far away from her as possible on the roof, which made no sense to her. In the Coven, they were both subjects (servants maybe) of the Hell Priest. Gazi had a dark nature but remained anxious of the curse that had plagued Qla since her Rite of Passage.

They will always be afraid.

Grinding her teeth, she forced herself to stay alert.

At that moment the mind-voice of Hell Priest Cheun shattered the silence. (well it's not silence as such it's more musings/wanderings or something of the like)

<Shadow on the southern horizon!> (from where? it's dark)

Qla glanced at the roof on her left and saw him point (how? still dark -followed the direction of his wands aura maybe) toward the mountains. A black stain began to crawl up from the ridge into the night sky, covering the stars and diminishing visibility. The shadow stretched toward them and encompassed the entire village before Qla had her sword unsheathed. Then the sky burst into hundreds of tiny black shards that rained down on Shanang.

Goddess, let the shield hold.

As the shadows neared the village, (again? - it was over head) Qla spread her legs into a fighting stance, holding her sword head high with the point up.

The first wave of imps appeared above the village. Dozens of little black demons with large bat wings, ranging from three to fifteen hand spans (confusing - spans height) in height, became visible in Shanang's torchlight (no mention before). (One of the biggest The largest - why not) howled and swooped toward Qla. She braced herself for contact.

Red eyes glaring, the creature stretched long black talons (claws or fangs) toward her. Qla began to recite a spell when the imp came within twenty hand spans (within cast range), but then it stopped in mid-flight (air if it stopped it's no longer flying)).

A glowing red fire surrounded the monster (It's not that big) as the magic of the shield took effect. Qla saw its mouth open just before the entire body exploded into a cloud of sparks. Seconds later, Hundreds more imps also fried as when they too struck the shield.

None of them had time to scream.

Sorry had to stop. I hope my comments (which are just opinions) help.

It is a long scene and ever so slightly wearing. Is there a way you could break it up a bit. Perhaps stage it over a few days/nights with a bit of world building in between. You've said this has been going on a while. Lets find out why we are watching this battle and a bit of character descriptions would help too.

- A bit magnificent seven like but no harm in that.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think that a lot of your sentences would work better if you changed the focus by leading with the more interesting or immediate bits.

For instance:

The moon was low, nearly set, and she knew they would come soon.

Might be more effective as:

She knew they would come soon, for the moon was low, nearly set.

Her numerous wounds, acquired from imp claws and muozi fangs, were like fire on her skin.

Might work better as:

Her skin burned with the wounds inflicted by imp claws and muozi fangs.

or

Her skin burned where imps had clawed her and muozi had bitten deep with their fangs.

Or however you wanted to word the sentence so that the pain comes first, and the explanation comes after. Readers always feel sympathetic to characters in pain, so this is a way of drawing them into the scene on an emotional level just a little more quickly. Also, your way sounds a little clinical ("numerous wounds acquired").

The magic surrounding the village of Shanang made her skin tingle and her eyes itch

could be:

Her skin tingled and her eyes itched with the magic surrounding the village of Shanang.

(Although I do question whether you want her skin burning in one sentence and then tingling in the next.)

On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura, the bronze trail that followed his wand and, with him, Den’s green as he gripped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back.

might be:

She saw Cheun's red aura on the next roof, the bronze trail that followed his wand, recognized Den's green as he crouched [or stood or knelt] beside him, gripping the hilt of the sword strapped to his back.

The monkey did not move as if waiting for something.

This is a little confusing anyway. Does it not move in the way it would move if it was waiting for something? Or is it not moving, because it is waiting for something? On the assumption that it's the latter, perhaps it would be more effective:

The monkey was waiting for something. It did not move.

I know, I know, the first part of this sounds more passive because I've used the dread verb "to be." But the monkey isn't moving, so you might want that sense of stillness.

or

The monkey remained motionless. What was it waiting for?

Qla would need to turn her head to look for more but she dared not.

perhaps:

Qla dared not turn her head to look for more.


These are just random examples. I think you should look through the whole thing for similar instances where you might want to switch things around.

And my suggestions on how to reword the sentences are just to give you some idea of the ways you could reword them, not necessarily the best or only ways.

[Ursa major]

Forgive the tone. I'm not a natural critiquer and have not had much practice (but I have gone further through the text than TEIN, which may be a plus).

Blue: additions
Red: deletions
[Green: comments]

Qla edged along the flat roof of the hut, waiting for the imps to renew their attacks. The moon was low, nearly set, [I’m no expert, but if the moon was close to setting, there’s no need to say that it’s low in the sky, is there?] and she knew they would come soon. Another long night of combat would begin, with every second diminishing her chances to survive. [If every second diminishes her chances of survival, it may not be a long night at all. (Well, not for Qla.) Perhaps you would be better saying some along the lines of: The imps would only stop their attacks at dawn, [which has the benefit of not being in the Passive voice.] Her numerous wounds, acquired from imp claws and muozi fangs, were like fire on her skin.

The magic surrounding the village of Shanang made her skin tingle and her eyes itch. Each spell and its caster were distinct to her Witch sight, like the yellow shimmer of her partner Gazi’s shield. On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura, the bronze trail that followed his wand and, with him, Den’s green as he gripped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back. Above, she could almost make out the faint glitter of the magical shield the priests had created earlier. [If she could almost make it out, this means she can’t actually see it, so how does she know it’s still glittering?]

As she scanned the spiral of huts that made Shanang village, Qla offered a silent prayer to the Goddess. At least nine people among the assembled Covens were dead and Qla suspected more would die tonight.
[Only suspected? So it may not be that dangerous then? Why not use “feared”?]

Gazi stood as far away from her as possible on the roof, which made no sense to her. In the Coven, they were both subjects of the Hell Priest. Gazi had a dark nature but remained anxious of the curse that had plagued Qla since her Rite of Passage. [So it does make some sense. Perhaps it would be better to be more explicit about why it didn’t make sense; I’m assuming it’s because their spells would be too far apart, but are they?]

They will always be afraid. [Personally, I prefer thoughts to be either Italicised with an attribution or Roman without an attribution.]

Grinding her teeth, she forced herself to stay alert. [Does teeth grinding aid concentration? That’s what it sounds like.]

At that moment [Unnecessary. Do we care if it’s that moment precisely? And won’t we assume it?] the mind-voice of Hell Priest Cheun shattered the silence.

<Shadow on the southern horizon!>

Qla glanced at the roof on her left and saw him point toward the mountains. A black stain began to crawl up from the ridge into the night sky, covering the stars and diminishing visibility. [Am I to understand that the stars, though covered, are still visible through the stain? If not, what visibility is being diminished? And why only diminished? And how? Are things being obscured? If so, why not say so?] The shadow stretched toward them and encompassed [encompass also has the meaning of “to include completely”; I suspect you mean “enveloped”, which makes the shadows nearing the village make more sense.] the entire village before Qla had her sword unsheathed. Then the sky burst into hundreds of tiny black shards that rained down on Shanang. [When I first read this, I assumed, wrongly, that the shards were made from the shadows.]

Goddess, let the shield hold.

As the shadows neared [not a word to imply a threat; try: pressed closer] the village, Qla spread her legs into a fighting stance, holding her sword head high with the point up.

The first wave of imps appeared above the village. Dozens of little black demons with large bat wings, ranging from three to fifteen hand spans in height, became visible in Shanang's torchlight. One of the biggest howled and swooped toward Qla. She braced herself for contact. [They appeared and became visible; isn’t this the same moment?]

Red eyes glaring, the creature one of them stretched its long black talons toward her. Qla began to recite a spell when the imp came within twenty hand spans, but then it stopped in mid-flight.

A glowing red fire surrounded the monster as the magic of the shield took effect. Qla saw[Who else would?]its mouth open just before the[Was it essential for her to see this? If so, keep it in.]Its entire body exploded into a cloud of sparks. Seconds later, more imps fried when as they struck the shield.

None of them had time to scream. [Unnecessary: it slows down the action and imparts nothing; unless their screaming is important in some way.]

But there were still the muozi Coven and their shadow monkey familiars. Together, the muozi were at least as powerful as two Covens—or more—and each one had three pets. [As a word, pet doesn’t sound very threatening.]
But there were still the muozi Coven. Together, the muozi were at least as powerful as two Covens—or more—and each Coven muozi [I’ve assumed a coven member is a muozi] had three shadow monkey familiars.

The odds are not good—

The familiars descended upon the village before she could finish her thought. Shadow monkeys did not have wings, but Qla suspected the muozi held them aloft with magic. [Until this moment, I had thought, in a vague sort of way, that the imps (and shards) formed the “shadow” above the village. Are the “monkeys” in amongst the imps?] The first three dropped toward the inner huts. Then three more monkeys landed on the outermost hut and engaged the Priest and War Witch posted there.

But Qla could not spare the time to watch, because the next set of familiars attacked Cheun at that moment. Qla turned to see a third trio. While two Two of them fell on the Hell Priest,as the other third darted across the roof toward the gap between huts. When it neared the edge, it It sprang over the expanse and reached for Qla with long, gray arms and claws. [I think it would have helped if I already knew Cheun was standing on the roof of the next hut.]

"Dark Huntress rise!" she said. "Ju’Xai Yu!"

Qla waved the long, curved blade in a wide horizontal arc as the monster approached. [If it’s already reached for her two paragraphs back, why is it still approaching? A more vigourous, martial verb/phrase is required; perhaps “slashed at her”. Then again, perhaps the monkey is still a way off, given what comes next. You need to reconcile the position of the monkey in the two paragraphs.] A dark shadow extended from the sword and carved the monkey in half. Qla ended her strike with Dark Huntress pointed behind her, watching her opponent dissolve into dust. [Again, it would have helped if we already knew Dark Huntress was the name of the sword.]

Her desire for revenge mingled with the curse when she fought. Sometimes the combination worked against the enemy but also made her dark magic unpredictable. Checking the other roof to be sure the shadow blade had not grown so far, Qla was glad to see nothing amiss—besides her comrades in combat.

One shadow monkey had all four limbs wrapped around Cheun's shoulders and waist. A second beast had Cheun's partner pinned to the roof, claws poised to slash his face.

Taking four steps backward, Qla chanted a spell of minor levitation and prepared to jump. A rancid odor tickled her nose then, and a dark, hairy mass slammed into her left side.

The strong wood of the roof buckled under the stress of their landing but did not collapse. Qla’s head lay near the edge [which almost suggests that it’s no longer attached to her body] and she saw Dark Huntress on the ground below.

I must have dropped it. Not good.

[Michael01]

Originally Posted by HareBrain

Apart from the fact that it goes on too long for my taste in fight scenes, I found the setting and the feel of it different enough to make me interested in the story and the world it's set in. Is there a prologue? I recognise the term "war witch" from a previous submission, but this doesn't feel like the same story - is it?

Ah. You noticed! It isn't the same story, but it is set in the same world as Estranged Earth - in the very distant past. If you recall, David Yang refers to his "clan" and the "people of Hunjan." Of course, I cut out much of that exposition in Estranged Earth (as you know, I'm trying a different method for getting that information across), so it no longer says "Hunjan." I will find a way to get it in there, though...

Good points all around HareBrain. Thank you! And it seems you and TEiN are in agreement about the "spans." That's an easy fix.

Whew! I was worried it might be confusing. Not only is there a lot going on, but there are a lot of names thrown around too. I'm glad you didn't think so.

There is a story that precedes this chapter, but I'm still unsure what exactly to do with it. It's about how Qla received the curse when she was 12 years old. I would use it as a prologue, but it's very long (about 30 pages!). I've thought about making it the first chapter (or two), but then this chapter takes place 15 years later, which makes it kind of awkward.

And thank you, TEiN. I had thought it was a bit much, so it's all good. Even for the bit you critted, I would have expected more problems with it. Apparently, I have dealt fairly well with some of the issues in the previous draft (which were - of course - very long-winded infodumps , and Qla's seeming invincibility, among other things).

As for the village: The huts are set up in a spiral. It's a significant symbol for them and it helps to add to the magical protections for the entire village.

Truth be told, I only did the bit with colors so I was "showing" while also introducing some of the characters, instead of just saying "he's on this roof and she's on that roof." I have actually been debating about them all sharing only one or two colors, something that distinguishes their type of magic. So, I'll have to think about it some more.

I think all of your comments are extremely helpful, and I really appreciate it. I'm already musing about making two chapters out of it and how that might work...

EDIT: Ursa, you snuck in on me. I'm reading your crit now. And Teresa too! Whew ... thank you all! Okay let's see...

Great points again. Thank you. I definitely see what you mean, Teresa, and I'll be looking for that.

Ursa:

I do also appreciate and will consider all of your points.

One of my problems continues to be repetition. Not so much in words as in concepts, as you pointed out. It often ends up this way because of my efforts to vary sentence construction, although I don't even think I did well with that near the end. Thank you for pointing them out! I have a much clearer idea of what still needs revision.

Haha! Qla does not need to "see." Besides, I think too many sentences begin with her name, anyway....

As for "and each Coven muozi," the word Coven doesn't belong there. Eek! Thanks.

You did suggest once that I begin a sentence with "it," which other critters keep warning me against. Sometimes, I suppose, it's unavoidable, and as long as I don't do it often it might be all right. You think?

You said it would have helped if you'd known Cheun was on the next roof beforehand. I guess you missed this sentence in the second paragraph: "On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura, the bronze trail that followed his wand and, with him, Den’s green as he gripped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back. " I can't really blame you, though, if it somehow got lost with so many things happening.

So much to think about! Thank you again, everyone. I knew I could count on you all!

[TheEndIsNigh]

Ursa - Impressive stuff, you should do more of this. (SMACK! ouch! not supposed to critique critiques)

Michael:

As I said I would break it up into two or three chapters starting with the opening skirmishes and moving on to the big battle, keeping the length of the fighting scenes smaller than the above. It's more active and there's immediate interest and potential for grabbing the reader by their sensitive bits.

There's nothing like the old

Qla watched the villager explode into a red plume of blood and bones as the force of the decimation spell struck him square in the stomach. They had all been warned not to go beyond the protection of the shield... kind of thing

To get the reader to read the next line.

At the point where the curse is mentioned - at a break in the fighting you can have the flashback to explain it. Then she can be dragged out of her reminiscences by a new attack.

I'm not always impressed with prologues. I think if you have background info you need to introduce then you should do it as part of the tale. Prologues usually tend to be a massive info dumps. I rarely read them myself. If I need to know that Joe's great uncle Bert lost a fortune at the tables then such things can be 'worked in' IMO.

[Ursa major]

Originally Posted by Michael01

You said it would have helped if you'd known Cheun was on the next roof beforehand. I guess you missed this sentence in the second paragraph: "On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura....

Oops!

[chopper]

Michael, most sentences start with "Qla" because you're in her POV.... that's not necessarily a problem, since you're describing her actions a lot of the time. Varying this to descriptors like "she", "the War Witch", "the blonde war witch", "the old war witch" etc etc etc might help but might also feel a bit artificial if done too much. It is an action-based piece, so it must be easy to follow and easy to attribute actions to particular characters. So, not a problem for me that you use her name a lot.

[ctg]

Micheal, I was rewriting this for you last night, but I couldn't get a long before I noticed that there was a bit too much. The thing is that your piece is not clear enough for me to enjoy. What you should do with massive battle like this, is to focus on single POV and immerse her into the action. Forget other character up to the point where there's a lul in the action or where a small description can descripe what they are doing.

In your shoes I would start the rewrite from the description of the village, defences and how they end defending it. Then flush in the shadow but know that you don't have to descripe all the spells, slashes or kills, because this is not a detailed piece of roleplaying event.

[Michael01]

Hehe. A rejection letter for one of my stories mentioned roleplaying before. I thought it was odd because I've never played a table-top or live action rpg in my life. Oh, I love video rpgs. Play them all the time, but they're really not the same, right?

Thank you, Chopper! I'm glad you see it that way. I won't worry about it so much then.

TEiN: Hmm. I think I see what you mean, but I'm not sure. For one, there are no villagers present. You don't know this, of course. It was in the previous draft, but I removed it along with the rest of the exposition.

Did you mean something like this: "Ji barred the way to the High Priest but the muozi cast her aside with a wave.

Dusha’s partner flew off the hut and into a tree. Even from this distance, Qla heard bones crack as the body sloughed to the ground."

I agree there isn't enough so I'll have to work on that. But I could still be misunderstanding. Please, clarify?

Ctg: Okay. I'm confused. HareBrain said it was "generally clear" and he wasn't confused, but now you say it isn't clear enough. I understand you're two different people, so you'll have different ideas, but it's still confusing.

Yes, there's a lot. Definitely. I like TEiN's suggestion that I spread it out, though, so I will try to work with that. You say "focus on a single POV," which is actually what I've tried to do, although I was worried there might be one or two head-hops. It should all be in Qla's POV.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to critique the critique, because that's really not my intention. I'm just asking for clarification. Thanks for your help!

[ctg]

Clarification.

Originally Posted by Michael01

Qla edged along the flat roof of the hut, waiting for the imps to renew their attacks. The moon was low, nearly set, and she knew they would come soon. Another long night of combat would begin, with every second diminishing her chances to survive. Her numerous wounds, acquired from imp claws and muozi fangs, were like fire on her skin.

The magic surrounding the village of Shanang made her skin tingle and her eyes itch. Each spell and its caster were distinct to her Witch sight, like the yellow shimmer of her partner Gazi’s shield. On the next roof, she saw Cheun’s red aura, the bronze trail that followed his wand and, with him, Den’s green as he gripped the hilt of the sword strapped to his back. Above, she could almost make out the faint glitter of the magical shield the priests had created earlier.

The second paragraph following the first is a bit confusing. You focus out from explaining the imp attacks to what is happening in the village. When you come to point of explaining what they are doing, my mind goes numb and I lose the plot.

I would have written:

Qla edged along the flat roof of the hut gazing the moon hanging low. She knew that if the Imps were going to renew the attack, this was the perfect moment. But she couldn't be sure that she would make it. Not with the numerous wounds that burned on her skin like fire.

Then again, at least they had a chance. With help of his partners, the priest had cast a protective barrier that shimmer over the village as the rays of moon light bounced from it.

As she scanned the spiral of huts that made Shanang village, Qla offered a silent prayer to the Goddess. At least nine people among the assembled Covens were dead and Qla suspected more would die tonight.

Gazi stood as far away from her as possible on the roof, which made no sense to her. In the Coven, they were both subjects of the Hell Priest. Gazi had a dark nature but remained anxious of the curse that had plagued Qla since her Rite of Passage.

They will always be afraid.

Grinding her teeth, she forced herself to stay alert.

At that moment the mind-voice of Hell Priest Cheun shattered the silence.

<Shadow on the southern horizon!>

Now, I don't know about you, but I would have removed all of this and straight moved the description on shadow arrival.

Continuing from last para:



Then again, at least they had a chance. With help of his partners, the priest had cast a protective barrier that shimmer over the village as the rays of moon light bounced from it.

A few moment later, she couldn't see it any more. Instead over the horizon, blanketing the moon and stars, moved a huge shadow. It deepened the night, turning the darkness to blackness. Then she heard it, thousands of screams deafening under the shouts of graced villagers as they prepared from the terror.

Goddess, let the shield hold.

Qla glanced at the roof on her left and saw him point toward the mountains. A black stain began to crawl up from the ridge into the night sky, covering the stars and diminishing visibility. The shadow stretched toward them and encompassed the entire village before Qla had her sword unsheathed. Then the sky burst into hundreds of tiny black shards that rained down on Shanang.

Goddess, let the shield hold.

If the moon lit night turns to a blackness, would anyone seeing the black imps pouring down like shards?

All I'm saying that so far, you have used ten paras to beef up the tension, but you haven't done it well enough. Some of the added description makes the confusion as the reader tried desperately to understand where the action is coming from.

When you look my piece, all that I have tried to is to explain the terms from her POV and trusting that the reader can imagine something going in the village in mean time.

As the shadows neared the village, Qla spread her legs into a fighting stance, holding her sword head high with the point up.

The first wave of imps appeared above the village. Dozens of little black demons with large bat wings, ranging from three to fifteen hand spans in height, became visible in Shanang's torchlight. One of the biggest howled and swooped toward Qla. She braced herself for contact.

Look closely to second para. You move to descripe the main assault and the foes in quite a lot of detail. But what you also do, is that you add there another person name to completely throw off the picture. In there I'm no longer watching the action through her head, but instead I'm watching it from God's POV, knowing everything that goes around.

What I would have done in your shoes, but I'm not going to write it out, is that I would used the blackness and the magical shield to descripe what's going on. Maybe I could even have descriped some of the bouncing from the shield that momentarily illuminates them as bats out from hell (dimension).

Red eyes glaring, the creature stretched long black talons toward her. Qla began to recite a spell when the imp came within twenty hand spans, but then it stopped in mid-flight.

Suddenly the shield has failed and a bat has come through it. There is no mention from it, yet the readers are anticipating it to happen. In here, you move a bit too fast. The Imp just shouldn't be there. Not yet.

A glowing red fire surrounded the monster as the magic of the shield took effect. Qla saw its mouth open just before the entire body exploded into a cloud of sparks. Seconds later, more imps fried when they struck the shield.

Now the imps are out from the shield, and not close enough. This is totally confusing. You should make up your mind, if they're out, they're out. And if they've come through the shield, then at that point, we should be able to see them clearly, not earlier.

None of them had time to scream.

Them... who? Imps or villagers?

Again, connected to last para, this line is confusing the clarity of over all big picture, if you get what I'm saying.

But there were still the muozi Coven and their shadow monkey familiars. Together, the muozi were at least as powerful as two Covens—or more—and each one had three pets.

The odds are not good—

This is what I mean with the RPG reference. You are like GM that has to bring in his monsters in middle of the action just to scare bejeesus out from the players.

Why are you giving us this information?

How they arrive there, do they form out from the Imp cloud? Burrow out from the ground, or she simple standing back, folding her arms over her chest and thinking ... wait a second, there's these other guys. The mouzi coven. Bloody *beep*, we are in trouble.

The familiars descended upon the village before she could finish her thought. Shadow monkeys did not have wings, but Qla suspected the muozi held them aloft with magic. The first three dropped toward the inner huts. Then three more monkeys landed on the outermost hut and engaged the Priest and War Witch posted there.

The shadow monkey's arrive and they come straight through the shield as if it's not there. What I would have described here would be the spell. Something that the covent had throw to penetrate the shield and cause confusing in the village while the Imps tear the shield down. Or possible use the monkey to kill the spell casters and therefore, disable the shield spell. Although that could have done through a ritural. So the monkey could kill the spell casters but still do nothing to break the shield.

What I'm saying here is that this should be a twist. A very sudden appearance, and a total surprise to her.

At the moment it hasn't been told in that way.

But Qla could not spare the time to watch, because the next set of familiars attacked Cheun at that moment. Two of them fell on the Hell Priest as the other darted across the roof toward the gap between huts. When it neared the edge, it sprang over the expanse and reached for Qla with long, gray arms and claws.

"Dark Huntress rise!" she said. "Ju’Xai Yu!"

Qla waved the long, curved blade in a wide horizontal arc as the monster approached. A dark shadow extended from the sword and carved the monkey in half. Qla ended her strike with Dark Huntress pointed behind her, watching her opponent dissolve into dust.

You move from omniscient narrator (God POV) to close POV, when you should have sticked with her close POV whole this time.

She should have looked over her shoulder to see what's happening in the village and then got surpriced by this shadow monkey. Instead, she knows everything that is going on and before the creature strike, she slices her half.

Another point is that when you use the words to conjure the shadow from the blade, you should move immediately to descripe the magic happening and then use the blade.

Her desire for revenge mingled with the curse when she fought. Sometimes the combination worked against the enemy but also made her dark magic unpredictable. Checking the other roof to be sure the shadow blade had not grown so far, Qla was glad to see nothing amiss—besides her comrades in combat.

The first two sentence are omniscient narrative and shouldn't be used here. She should just see that her friends are in trouble.

Comrade is a communist word for friend. Is that what really want use in this narrative?

One shadow monkey had all four limbs wrapped around Cheun's shoulders and waist. A second beast had Cheun's partner pinned to the roof, claws poised to slash his face.

Taking four steps backward, Qla chanted a spell of minor levitation and prepared to jump. A rancid odor tickled her nose then, and a dark, hairy mass slammed into her left side.

The strong wood of the roof buckled under the stress of their landing but did not collapse. Qla’s head lay near the edge and she saw Dark Huntress on the ground below.

I must have dropped it. Not good.

Drool splattered on her face when Qla twisted around beneath the monster. She freed her arms and grabbed its shoulders. The shadow monkey howled. Qla rolled to the left, pinned the monkey with her knees, and then reached for the dagger strapped to her right leg.

Here's the surprice that I was expecting, but since you already had descriped that only three monkey's arrived, where did this come from?

Something cackled behind her just before claws dug into her back and tore her vest. Her body tensed and she screamed.

Biting her lip, she willed her hand to move and wrapped her fingers around the hilt of the dagger. She pulled it loose and swung around to drive the blade into the second attacker's throat. The monster fell backward, clutching at the dagger in vain.

But now the monkey under her was free to move. Qla felt the motion in the air before the claws lanced her cheek. She rolled backward, then stood up to face the creature.

We already know its a shadow monkey, so you use that instead of word something.

Shadow monkey slashes, tears her vest, causes wounds. But when move on, we're suddenly in position where the shadow monkey's hands are wrapped around her.

How is that possible? Is she so slow?

As she reached for a throwing star on her left arm, another shadow landed less than ten hand spans to her left on the roof. She cast a spell and tossed the star at the first attacker, then regarded the newest.

The monster sneered and took a step toward her.

What happened to the first monkey, did she just forget it? In the combat, she would her attention to nearest attacker and not try do magic's while it's still so close. So whole this action tells me that you're in world of RPG's, where the GM has taken a puff from a spliff that the munchin player has passed on him.

Qla could see the Hell Priest fighting with three familiars on the other roof. Den had fallen and Cheun would not live long. She probed with her Witch sense for Gazi and found him alive but engaged. All of this she did without removing her eyes from her opponent.

The monkey did not move as if waiting for something.

Why you descripe what others are doing when you should only focus on her and her opponents. Did you forget that you're in the middle of the combat?

What is wrong here?

Then another monster climbed onto the roof and stood beside the other.

More? How many of them wish to attack me?

What is the first monkey doing? Consulting a pocket quide? What are they waiting for and what is she waiting?

The monkeys had the ability to hide their magic. Qla would need to turn her head to look for more but she dared not.

Why do we get this information? Did the GM consult the monster guide?

Before her adversaries could move again, Qla shouted, "Dark Huntress return! Ju’Xai Yu!"

The sword reappeared in her hands as the fourth shadow monkey to attack her tonight lunged.

Qla gauged the distance between herself and the next hut. She knew she stood in the middle of the roof, which meant Cheun should be safe. If she did not turn all the way around, she need not fear killing Gazi either.

"Dark Huntress rise! Ju’Xai Yu!"

She swung the blade in time to catch the creature in the air, preventing an imminent collision. The shadow sword also grew long enough to kill the other beast. Qla ended the motion facing the left, toward the inner spiral of huts.

There is two monkeys on roof, she calls her sword, it appears and then she decide to flee? Why is she exposing her back on two opponents when she's wielding a sword that can slide through them like nothing?

As the blade moved between the huts, two more shadow monkeys headed for her fell in its wake.

Qla watched them drop to the ground and then noticed two more coming toward her across the rooftops. A Sana Yuzu War Witch beheaded one as it tried to pass. Then he tossed a star that struck the second in the eye.

Nine? Nine familiars came for me?

Why do you descripe this ninja movement from another witch?

She stiffened when she realized she could not sense Gazi's presence. Slowly, she turned her head to the left.

Gazi and his assailant lay dead on the roof.

Anger and fear seized her heart as she turned to look for Cheun. Somehow, he had survived and continued to fight two familiars alone.

"There is power in the Hunt," she whispered, assessing her magic.

The levitation spell she had cast earlier remained active. Qla sheathed her sword and did not hesitate this time. She ran toward the edge of the hut and leapt across, then landed on all fours without crashing through the roof.

The levitation spell was interrupted, not casted. If it would have been casted, then she would have floated during the combat.

Is this a moment where the munchkin player has passed a bag of goodies to the GM in favour of having whizzed spell actually active?

A strong shield surrounding Cheun kept the monsters at bay. But they were relentless, claws slashing and long arms pounding again and again to rend the shield. The Hell Priest’s shoulders sagged. He could not hold them for long.

Does she really see this happening? Remember that she just crashed through the roof with four opponents.

Qla reached for a throwing star in the leather band on her forearm and cast a spell on it. Then she flung it toward the nearest shadow monkey. The star lodged in the creature's back. Arcane fire burst from the wound. Within seconds a cloud of glittering red dust was all that remained of the monster.

Why cast a spell and throw a shuriken when you can use the blade?

Cheun’s wand blasted a green liquid at the second attacker. When the monkey rolled off the roof, howling, the magical shield faded and the Priest fell to his knees.

Head-hop?

Qla took only one step closer to him, mindful of the curse.

"Cheun—" she said.

He looked up and tried to smile. "I am fine, Qla, but I think the familiars are all dead. The muozi will come now."

Qla turned around and saw that Cheun was correct. The Priests now attempted to fortify Coven protections to prepare for the next wave.

The muozi will not be so easy to kill.

"Why did so many of them concentrate on me?" she said.

Cheun shook his head. "How many?"

"Nine."

"I do not know, Qla. Perhaps they fear your curse."

This is good. It only needs a bit of polish.



I hope I have illustrated you where you fail and where the confusion comes from. If you want to stick with your guns, then that's fine, but if you want to clarify what's going on, you rewrite the above bit and use the same method on what's going underneath these excerpts.

[Michael01]

Wow. I never expected so much. You really put a lot of time and effort into this, Ctg, and I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by ctg

Suddenly the shield has failed and a bat has come through it.

I didn't mean for it to seem like the shield failed. It actually did what it was intended to do, once the imp struck it. Sorry about that.

Originally Posted by ctg

The shadow monkey's arrive and they come straight through the shield as if it's not there.

Oops! This is something else that got lost when I removed the inofdumps. The shield has no effect on the shadow monkeys or the muozi. Thanks for pointing that out!

Originally Posted by ctg

This is good. It only needs a bit of polish.

Thank you again, Ctg! I'm glad you like it.

Originally Posted by ctg

I hope I have illustrated you where you fail and where the confusion comes from. If you want to stick with your guns, then that's fine, but if you want to clarify what's going on, you rewrite the above bit and use the same method on what's going underneath these excerpts.

You've been very helpful. I can't ask for more than that. Thank you!