The Unicorns

[jarjarbecks]

Hi, I'm just beginning to write this, and I've still lots of research to do, but would like people's comments on this, especially with how well it captures your imagination and leads people wanting to know more, but all comments welcome! thanx.



In the land where the grass is always green and the sun sets in a shower of colour, the Unicorns gathered. Their realm is far beyond where human eyes can see and lies in that place between reality and dreams. To them, it is perfect.


The sky is alight with a rainbow of glittering stars that glow by night and by day; the fields are scattered with forests of flowers that never wither and the trees are older than any can recall. It was by one of these trees that the Unicorns met, they all knew that it was time.



Not a word was spoken as they moved into position, but they all felt it, the aura that was so potent it was almost tangible. Tails quivered, and nostrils flared as they fought against it, not one of them questioned what they were doing, not one of them gave in to the powerful force flowing around them.

Each drew strength from the brothers and sisters at their side, fighting the unseen foe.


The Captain of the Unicorns gave the sign, and as one they bowed their heads. As their horns touched a column of great light and power shot down into the ground. Then they all heard it, the piecing cry that filled the air.



One by one they callapsed on the ground, broken, finding comfort within the companionship of friends. It was done.

[Chimeco]

I liked it. However, you are treading dangerously close to the "once upon a time" syndrome. If you're going to go that direction on purpose, then you should make it verifiably obvious that you're doing so. As a matter of course, starting your story off with "once upon a time" will key in a reader that your tone is intentionally, classical or traditionally fantastic.
I also want to point out your perspective. It's never an easy task to narrate from the viewpoint of an animal. Typically you're faced with two choices: making the animals seem human and familiar to the reader so that they relate to the personality of the animal character (giving them human traits basically). Or estranging and mystifying the reader with the animals actions and goals.
By explaining their actions in human terms, you've kinda wandered down that first path. There's nothing wrong with this of course. But I wanted to point it out to you, in case you aren't aware of what you're doing. For the rest of your story, you'll need to be consistant with what you're establishing here and now. A few quirks thrown in as unicorn habits won't detract from the story; likely it'll enhance the overall feel. Just make sure you don't go crossing over and back on your perspectives.

Nice work.

[jarjarbecks]

Hey thanx for your comments. I certainly don't think I want to go down the 'once upon a time' route so that bears thinking about. Regarding the unicorns I do want to make them seem familiar to the reader, and that's what I'm aiming at - so that's good its working out like that. I'm taking a step back now and doing more 'research' into the world itself etc, so that when i come back to it, i know the world etc better so may rework it in the future.

Thanx again.