Harvey Travers - Please critique

[Interference]

3000 word short story which I hope some of you will offer some comments on. This falls into my Opus, but stands reasonably well on its own, I think, without preamble.

I will be grateful for any comments or suggestions relating to story comprehensibility, particularly, and if anyone has any insights they can give as to the feasibility of such things as are about to occur, I'm more than willing to discuss them.

Thank you for your interest. I hope it survives till the end of the story



HARVEY TRAVERS, FIVE AND SIX

“There are two things you have to remember about war. First, people die. Second, no war has ever been won.”

“Pacifist propaganda,” Jeff said automatically as he turned from the screen and located his tea-cup.

Guido Rache continued, “Not really. Settlement is always diplomatic. When it isn't, the war invariably continues, maybe in a different form, but continues nonetheless.”

“I'm just a little surprised to hear you talk like this, sir,” Jeff said. He sipped and grimaced. Cold tea. The conversation had been going on that long. “I need to refresh this,” he told the screen.

“If our intel is accurate,” Guido said, ignoring the interruption, “we will have a working machine in our possession any day now.”

Jeff ordered his tea from the dispenser and turned a quizzical eye on his mentor's monitor image.

“A time machine?” he asked. Guido's face on the screen brightened with a smile. “A real live, working time machine?”

“I know. Good, isn't it?”

“What about Operation Harvey?”

“You're still active, Carter, the two can run in tandem.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” Jeff said. “We've been preparing her for five months; about ready to take the next step.”

“Good luck with that. Just stand by, we want you working with us when the time comes.”

“I'm flattered.”

“You should know better,” Guido said.

The call ended soon after and Jeff switched his Modular Edutainment System to Message.

***

The Remote Viewing Project (Operation Harvey) had been around for more than a century, funded through Military and Intelligence budgets. Its successes had never been entirely unequivocal and its failures had been spectacular. The project's cancellation had therefore been inevitable. Its revival, less so.

Jeffrey Carter's parents had both been directly involved in R.V. experiments since the early days and they, and a few dedicated others, had practised continuously following the downsizing of their section. Their own conviction was that the military applications might have been rubbish, but it was damned good fun.

It was against this background that Jeff had been raised, an only child doted on by caring but emotionally distant parents. From his earliest memories to the present day, Jeff could never conceive of not being able to remote view any target set for him, once he had been given a photo or detailed diagram. He was consequently, as an adult, never wrong about a holiday destination or hotel booking. As a student, he never failed an exam except once, when he was being distracted by a girl friend's lack of interest in him.

Seven years earlier, he had been recruited to NatSec and assigned to a team of eight, designated the Harvey Travers Group, each pair with a separate task. Jeff and his opposite, an annoyingly unemotional youngster called Dave (“You remind me of my dad,” Jeff often told him, “Why thank you, your father is a fine officer,” Dave would reply, “It wasn't a compliment,” Jeff would say and then laugh.), had, for the last eight months, been grooming a middle aged, New Age mother-of-five for astral travelling.

She was adept. An incredibly spiritual and loving woman whose troubled history made her ideal for recruitment. If anything went wrong, if she found out and got scared or blew the whistle on them, her past would come out and no one on the planet, and very few off it, would believe a word she said.

Simply perfect.

And so skilled.

***

Anita fought with her husband too often, these days. She knew he wasn't angry with her, just afraid. What had it been about this morning, anyway? Something about shoes was all she could remember, whether hers or his she wasn't sure. Anyway, he'd gone to work like a hurricane looking for a city to destroy and she'd settled down to her mint tea, a forest walk on C.A.M. and Reiki research on the Mentsys. Somewhere, she was certain, she'd find a way to fill the house with calming energy before they woke up in the morning and just before Ben came home from work. She would need the symbols. Reiki Two was definitely on her horizon. She hoped her marriage would survive it.

“A message coming in,” CAM said. “No image.”

Her heart flurried, as it always did when this particular message came through at this particular time. Absent-mindedly, she fixed her hair and centred herself.

“On, please, CAM,” she said.

“It's nearly time, have you had second thoughts yet?” the voice she recognised and (if she were honest with herself) loved asked.

“Of course not,” she said, and she might have added a non-committal “darling” but thought herself out of it.

“Good. Is the house quiet?”

“Ben's at work, the children are with his mother. I said the group was meeting here today.” She felt her face flush. Lying was most definitely not second nature to her. The lie had to be given to her by her wonderful mentor ... was that how she thought of him? Mentor? Or was “wonderful” the more important word?

“Harvey,” she said.

“How much time do you think we'll have?” he asked.

“Plenty,” she said, “loads. Harve ...”

“I heard you. Say what you want. We both know my name.”

“Harvey,” she said and felt foolish about it, “I want you to know that I'm grateful for this.”

“So am I. Now, take a few breaths and calm you inner self.”

“I mean, really, Harvey. You've helped me turn my life around, helped me -”

“Are you breathing yet?”

She smiled. He was like two different people, sometimes. All business one minute, all concern and comfort the next. What a wonderful person he must be in Real Life.

“I'm breathing,” she said as she closed her eyes and felt the energy welling up within her.

“Just listen to me first,” Harvey said, “and remember there is nothing to be afraid of. I will always be here with you, I will never let you be hurt, I will never abandon you. You believe that, don't you?”

So like him. So kind.

“Yes, Harve. I truly believe you. You are my Guardian.”

“Visualise. We're going to start with our Special Place.”

“I'm already there.”

“Do you see me?”

“Yes, I see you. You're always by that tree.”

“Come over to me, Anita.”

***

“Why does she always pick a forest?” Dave said.

“It's her Special Place, remember,” Jeff said.

“There could be snipers in those trees.”

Jeff laughed.

“One day,” Dave pressed, “if we can prove this to have lasting worth, there could be snipers behind any tree in anyone's Special Place.”

“Then it wouldn't be special, any more, would it?”

“No,” Dave agreed. “Can you see her clearly, now?”

“Still foggy, but I see her.”

“Me, too. Her imagination is very vivid, isn't it?”

“That's how we know this is going to work.”

Jeff took the keyboard and typed. Harvey's voice spoke again.

***

Anita took his hand as Harvey said, “You look lovely, Anita.”

“This is how you make me feel,” she said.

“It's how you are,” said Harvey. Then, after the briefest hesitation, “I'll need that hand, by the way.”

“Remember the first time we were here?” she said. “Remember when we made love by that stream?”

“You must be thinking of two other fellas,” Harvey said.

“Oh,” she said, and she couldn't hide her disappointment at being unable to reminisce, but she knew they were here for a purpose and she didn't stay disappointed for very long. She let go his hand and asked, “What now?”

“Now we're going to try and meet somewhere else, somewhere neither of us has ever been before.”

“Neither of us?”

Previously there had been a definite location. First Harvey had projected himself into her home and accurately described elements of her sitting room that had not been in the photograph she had given him. They had counted that a 100% success.

The second time had been a little more traumatic. He had sent her no image but promised to guide her to somewhere he knew very well, a place where he stood his guard over what he'd called “The Bad Guys”. The place had been awesome, awful, a gaping hole in emptiness that shimmered with dark colours she could barely make out. He had told her it was a region of our Universe that shimmered on a much lower frequency than ours, which made it possible for entities to emerge into our world but prevented us from entering theirs. She had been afraid, but had been comforted by the protection of his cape spell – though he'd called it by some other name she had now forgotten.

Even so, she had felt under attack for days afterwards, and even Harvey had seemed a little concerned, by turns apologising and pointing out that she had asked to see it herself.

“You will go first,” Harvey said.

“Alone?” she asked stupidly.

There was a momentary pause in the communication. The image of Harvey seemed to become a vague shadow of his shape.

“Harvey?” she felt compelled to say. “Are you still there?”

“Sorry, hon, glitch in the comms,” Harvey said.

There was another pause. Longer this time. The figure remained faint and immobile.

***

“One of us has to go with her.”

“That completely negates the purpose of the exercise, Jeffrey.”

“I'm not letting her go without some protection,” Jeff said.

“You told her how to use the Cape Cordon for herself, if she's forgotten it it's her own fault.”

“She could be very badly hurt, Dave, for God's sake.”

“Did you mention God again?” Dave asked, holding out the jam-jar with the slit in the lid just large enough for a large denomination coin. “I think that deserves a donation to the Christmas Fund, don't you?”

“Did you mention Christ?” Jeff asked innocently.

They each reached into their pockets and donated to the Fund.

“Harvey?” Anita's voice asked, “Are you still there?”

Jeffrey typed quickly, “Sorry, hon, glitch in the comms.”

“Compromise,” he suggested. “I go with her, following from a distance, keeping an eye on her astral form in case any surprises leap out at us. Then you -”

“Jeff, seriously, if we could just follow astral forms, we wouldn't need to try this at all. We can already use her as a beacon to visit her when she isn't looking. What we need to do is to be able to find her on the astral level at any time.”

“- then you try to lock onto her, just as before, just as planned,” Jeff said, doggedly completing his initial suggestion.

“On my own?”

“Not afraid, are you?”

“Are you trying to express a witticism of some description?” Dave smiled. “It can't work, Jeff. I can lock onto you any time I like. What we're trying to figure out is how to lock onto a stranger, ideally an enemy stranger we need to kill.”

“She isn't a stranger, she isn't an enemy and I won't let her die,” Jeff said.

“You see, that's going to be your undoing,” Dave said.

“Psychic, now, are we?”

“This emotional attachment you have. It's just needless interference, if you ask me.”

“I like her. Nothing needless.”

“No, sorry, I forgot about the orgy you two enjoyed while I was – where was I, Jeff? Remind me.”

“We weren't going to talk about that.”

“Oh, yes, I remember.”

“We agreed ...”

“In a hospital with a staser wound that could have left me without an arm and half a shoulder.”

“You're fine now, water's gone under the bridge, can't get it back, whatever you say.”

“So while I was patiently recovering, you thought you'd have a little astral fun in my absence.”

“It was nothing like you're thinking, Dave, and you know it. You were there.”

“Sure, I was there, but she can't know there are two of us, so there was I in the cape going, 'for God's sake, Jeff, keep it zipped'.”

Jeff rattled the jar.

***

“Is something wrong?” Anita asked.

“Sorry, hon, Mum came in with a cup of tea. I had to go RL for a minute. Are you okay?”

“I'm fine, Harve,” she smiled. She had wondered if he still lived with his mother when they'd first met on the Reiki website. Someone had often interrupted their conversations, sometimes for a very long time. Later she'd suspected him of having other women, other lovers, other students, but soon she had realised that he was giving her his complete attention. She had felt certain of that since the first occasion when they had made love together. And then he had told her about his mother and the stroke she was still recovering from, and that made her fall for him all the more.

“Shall we get on with it now, please?” Harvey asked, businesslike and formal as he would sometimes be and she smiled again, sending her heart-love to him. “Please stop that.”

“I'm sorry,” she said. “Down to business.”

***

Directions on an astral level are complicated to an outsider. They speak of achieving levels of consciousness and awareness rather than of location and compass points. The directions that brought Anita to where she now felt herself floating were precisely targeted for her past self to know and her current self to find. Around her was a glowing darkness, a concept virtually impossible to describe without experiencing it. The colours were red and warming and comforting and they occasionally resolved into fragments of images she was certain she recognised, but only intuitively. Some of these images seemed to have lives and animation, others were as static and immobile as furniture on a ship. Something like a breeze brushed her cheek, subtle and gentle, sending a shiver through her.

“My lives are here,” she said and she knew it was so.

How long would it take, she wondered, how long before Harvey would find her in this most personal of places – or not find her? How long before she would be forced to return to herself? How sad to be made to return to the mundane? How beautiful this place, this experience, was for her.

“I'm here, Harvey,” her mind half-whispered to the waiting cosmos.

And it seemed to her that it was waiting, perhaps for some completion, some form of achievement or advancement. She was certain that there was more here than in any place, at any time, she had ever known before.

And with this thought came her first small discomfort as a shimmering form coagulated inches in front of her, a crimson shape of frowns and scowls and anger.

“Here?” she thought a voice said. “Why?”

“Harvey?” she called though her voice would bring him no more swiftly.

“Abandoned life, you bring them here?” her mind told her a voice was saying. “Why?”

Her body, now energy without form, felt a tug, sharp and unkind. Her chest, now merely a repository for her love, began to bruise with something that felt too soft to be a thump, too solid to be a shock wave, and she felt her balance and co-ordination slip.

“Abandoned,” the sound in her head said, “you bring armies?”

“I don't understand what you tell me,” she thought she said.

The assault was becoming more aggressive, now, and she felt as though she were being separated from herself and all that she had achieved was being laid out before the eyes she no longer needed to use. The dark, glimmering light glowed the colour of indignation and her heart felt grey.

“You are me,” she knew she screamed.

“We are of a now and of nows before and nows to come,” a voice said. “We am transition.”

She knew her body would be crying now. The pain was wretched and sorrowful, the pain of joys undone and pleasures tainted - pain such as only knowledge can produce.

“Ben!” she screamed.

***

When Ben returned home from work, Anita was seated on the sofa, primly, quietly. She said his name as he came in and then nothing more for a while.

“Are you all right?” he asked without much concern.

She turned her face to him, a tear-soaked face full of remorse and loss.

“I was abandoned,” she said.

“No, I'm here, my darling,” and his heart melted and he kissed her, “What's happened?”

She kissed his cheek.

“I love you," she said.

"And I love you, but what - ?"

"I know,” she said. “And you know I love you.” It was a statement, not a question.

The feeling was sudden and overwhelming for him, a rush like a shower rose, taps on full, sprinkling his heart with warm water that spread through his chest as though it had to fill every quarter at once and could not be satisfied until it had.

“Oh, my God,” Ben said as he leaned back, a wash of ecstasy completing him for the first time in his life. “Oh, my good God, Nita! I love you so much. I was so scared, so -”

“I know, I'm sorry, Ben.”

“I was scared you'd never need me again.”

“I always needed you, my darling. Now I can love you completely,” she said quietly. “Now, we are who we are.”

***

“She was on again last night.”

“What did she say? Is she all right? I was so worried when we lost her.”

“She said she was okay,” Dave said. “I asked her what had happened, she said she had achieved, and I quote, 'a level of awareness I could never have anticipated', and there I unquote.”

Dave smiled and waited for Jeff to comment.

“Awareness?”

“The very word.”

“What the Hell ... ? What has awareness got to do with remote viewing or astral travelling or anything else?”

“Ah, now, I have a few theories about that.”

“Didn't she say anything else?”

“I don't think she felt compelled to, except for something about not needing Harvey any more.”

“Seriously, Dave,” Jeff said, unconvinced. “Don't joke.”

“I'm serious. She said, 'Thank you for all you've done for me. Goodbye.'”

“Was that all?”

“Actually, no. Actually, she said, Thank you both for all you've done.' And then the 'Goodbye', which was a bit of a disappointment. No 'kissy-kissy' stuff. Ah, well. She must be upset with us.”

Jeff sat in his chair and sipped his tea.

“Pass the jam-jar. I'm thinking of blaspheming for a little while.”

Dave slid the jar across the desk.

“Do you want to hear some of my theories first?”



----- ENDS

Thank you to everyone who has got this far without taking the short-cut .

[ctg]

Your story left me wanting more. Maybe you could provide more details or even extend it a bit. At underneath is my edit at your beginning. I noticed that you've somewhat learn a skill to bridge between your chapters, but if you look very closely to the way I have written the switch, you should notice that I use words very close to the end of the chapter at the beginning of the new chapter. You should do that same thing with other chapter breaks. The reason is that it makes it flow much better.

“There are two things you have to remember about war. First, people die. Secondly, and more importantly no war has ever been won.”

“Pacifist propaganda,” Jeff said automatically as he turned from the screen and located his tea-cup.

Guido Rache disagreed. “Not really. Settlement is always diplomatic. When it isn't, the war invariably continues, maybe in a different form, but continues nonetheless.”

“I'm just a little surprised to hear you talk like this, sir,” Jeff said. He sipped and grimaced. Cold tea. The conversation had been going on that long. “I need to refresh this.”

“If our intel is accurate,” Guido continued ignoring the interruption, “we will have a working machine in our possession any day now.”

Jeff ordered his tea from the dispenser and turned a quizzical eye on his mentor's monitor image.

“A time machine?” he asked. Guido's face on the screen brightened with a smile. “A real live, working time machine?”

“I know. Good, isn't it?”

“What about Operation Harvey?”

“You're still active, Carter, the two can run in tandem.”

“I'm glad to hear it,” Jeff exhaled, feeling relieved. “We've been preparing her for five months, and as you know we’re ready to take the next step.”

“Good luck with that. Just stand by, we want you working with us when the time comes.”

“I'm flattered.”

“You should know better,” Guido said.

As the call ended, Jeff switched his Modular Edutainment System to Message, while still thinking about whole project.

***

The Project Harvey, or Operation Harvey as the lab boys like to call it, had been around for more than a century. At the beginning, the military had been so interested about the Remote Viewing possibilities that they had funnelled lot of resources from their Intelligence budget, making whole project one of their black operations. They had seen something in it, even though the successes had never been unequivocal, and its failures were more then spectacular. Jeff guessed that Harvey was coming to the end of the road, and it couldn’t be long time anymore.
It was a shame.

Both of his parents had been directly involved in R.V. experiments since the early days and they, and a few dedicated others, had practised continuously following the downsizing of their section. Their own conviction was that the military applications might have been rubbish, but it was damned good fun.

And lot of it was exactly like that, fun. Even though his parent had been emotionally distant, they had never stopped caring and they had believed in him. Maybe it was because from earliest memories to the present day, he could never conceive of not being able to remote view any target set for him. No matter was it a photo, diagram and something drawn on backside of cigarette box. In the other hand, the ability proved to be quite handy, as he’d never been wrong about a holiday destination or hotel booking. As he grown older, the R.V became even more useful. It’d never failed him an exam. Except once. But that was because of the girl.


There weren’t many of them in the Army, as seven years earlier the military had recruited him into the NatSec, and assigned him to a team of eight, which was designated the Harvey Travers Group, each pair with a separate task. His pair, or more like his opposite, was an annoyingly unemotional youngster called Dave.
“You remind me of my dad,” Jeff often told him. “Why thank you, your father is a fine officer,” Dave would reply. “It wasn't a compliment,” Jeff would say and then laugh.
But that motionlessness became handy as for the last eight month Dave had been grooming a middle aged, New Age mother-of-five for astral travelling.

She was adept. An incredibly spiritual and loving woman, whose troubled history made her ideal for recruitment. If anything went wrong, if she found out and got scared or blew the whistle on them, her past would come out and no one on the planet, and very few off it, would believe a word she said.

The setup was simply perfect.

And she, she was so skilled.

***

Anita fought with her husband too often

[Interference]

I see what you're getting at, ctg, and thank you for taking the trouble to look it over. I will seriously consider your suggestions for the redraft.

Thank you again.

[ctg]

One addition Interference. You cannot always bridge it in that way, but if you can then it's better to do it and I think it will show you got some skill in short stories.

Additionally I think you got really good story here, because not that many will be writing about RV's.

[chrispenycate]

Secondly, and more importantly no war has ever been won.”

comma after “importantly“

Jeff said automatically as he turned from the screen and located his tea-cup.

comma after "automatically"

Guido Rache continued, “Not really. Settlement is always diplomatic. When it isn't, the war invariably continues, maybe in a different form, but continues nonetheless.”

rather a lot of "continue"ation; and that first comma? I'd consider a full stop or colon.

Seven years earlier, he had been recruited to NatSec and assigned to a team of eight, designated the Harvey Travers Group, each pair with a separate task.

do you need that first comma?

“It's nearly time, have you had second thoughts yet?”

semicolon instead of comma

Now, take a few breaths and calm you inner self.”

"your", rather than "you"?

“You told her how to use the Cape Cordon for herself, if she's forgotten it it's her own fault.”

semicolon instead of comma

This emotional attachment you have. It's just needless interference, if you ask me.

missed the logic there. Interference with what?

Actually, no. Actually, she said, Thank you both for all you've done.'

apostrophe (or subdued quotation mark or inverted comma – whatever you call a ') before "Thank you"


Short cut? Me?

[Interference]

Thank you Chrispy, I really appreciate you taking the trouble over this. I'm shocked at how many I missed, to be frank, and am grateful to you for pointing them out. I'll adjust accordingly.

Yeah, the "interference" line was just another way to get the title of the series in. I'll do a better job later, I promise

[zaelyel]

I thought it was very interesting; I have never read anything quite like this. Can't wait to know what those theories are...

[Nik]

Interesting...

Layers of layers...

She's an 'Asset', the more valuable because she's vulnerable. And she's still an innocent 'NewAger'-- It hasn't occured to her to use her 'talent' to investigate her 'Handler'.

And, above all, don't make her Angry: The Female of the Species is far deadlier than the male. She may yet do a 'Carrie' on them all...

[Interference]

Lol, Nik - that could just be what happens next, all right But this is fiction, so I think she'll find her own path in the end.

Thanks to you and Zaelyel for your comments. I really appreciate you taking the time and trouble to read it and appreciate your thoughts.

As for the theories that connect astral projection, Remote Viewing and awareness, it comes down to how you see the Second Reality. If you're a pragmatist, you'll understand the mechanics before you get to the metaphysics. If you're an emotional spiritualist, you'll see everything in terms of consciousness and awareness. The fact that Dave is having theories at all suggests that his pragmatism is being swayed or tested - he may yet develop some appreciable emotions. But those are, surely, a bunch of other stories

[TheEndIsNigh]

Sorry Interference, too long for me.

I would dispute the "no war has ever been won" argument though.

Old Alexander didn't have any trouble after he'd won his victories. It went something like

"Accept my rule or die now. If I have to come back and sort you out later, it will be the dead on one side and the deceased on the other."

It's only in modern times when certain 'civilisation' influences interjected into the proceedings that negotiations for the peace came into play.

In this way a SF would more likely be an all out affair. Take no prisoners and kill all the survivors since there would be no need to think of the loser as anything more than sub Martian

[Interference]

Dispute with the character who said it, TEIN In other stories from this milieu, Guido is shown to be something of a revolutionary. It is to such as he that the fight never ends with the signing of the treaty, an undercurrent-plot to the entire series.

[adyc]

Too good an idea to leave as a short story. Can I press on you to write more? I thought the layout was unusual but hell it worked.
Keep it up.

Adyc

[TheEndIsNigh]

Originally Posted by Interference

Dispute with the character who said it, TEIN In other stories from this milieu, Guido is shown to be something of a revolutionary. It is to such as he that the fight never ends with the signing of the treaty, an undercurrent-plot to the entire series.

Fair enough - could you forward his address and zip code

[Interference]

Thank you, adyc. I guess I'm not alone around here in wishing I were a more solid, disciplined writer than I am. Sometimes the mood sweeps me along and I don't stop till I'm done, but far more commonly I sit around waiting for life, inspiration or pain to drive me forward. Maybe I should get hurt more frequently or something

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Interference

Thank you, adyc. I guess I'm not alone around here in wishing I were a more solid, disciplined writer than I am. Sometimes the mood sweeps me along and I don't stop till I'm done, but far more commonly I sit around waiting for life, inspiration or pain to drive me forward. Maybe I should get hurt more frequently or something

Well Interference, there are two ways to do it. First involves you to stop waiting and getting on with it. Sooner you start doing it, sooner you will be writing thousand words per day. I promise that the pain will be with you every single moment.

The other way to do it, is to get a BIG bag of greenery and smoke it when you're writing. I did my first three versions in that way and boy, does the words fly. You can easily do thousand, and with stretching, three thousand words per day.:P