Practice piece; feedback please!

[n2so4]

Just a little piece of writing I did to keep my hand in. It might become something longer, depending on how I feel about it.

In the meantime I'd love somefeedback on it!

Do your worst

-Horsemen-

Ando sat on his horse, his face turned upwards towards the night sky, and watched the stars falling towards the distant southern mountains.
All around him the great grass plains of his homeland sighed and hissed in the night time breeze, the pale, swaying stalks brushing lightly against his greaves and the flanks of his mount. The air was freezing, causing his breath to mist in front of him as he breathed, and he was glad of his thick leather and fleece jerkin and the long fur cloak wrapped around him.


Beside him, sat astride his great stallion Tsolmon and dressed similarly against the cold was his father, and forming a watchful circle around them were his father's guards and the headmen of their tribe. Every man had a long tulwar at his side and a horsebow on his saddle, but none had either weapon drawn. Ando's father ruled the great plains as far as the mountains to the south and the great rivers to the north, and for leagues in either direction to the east and west, but here, only an hour's ride from their tribe's great hall, no one feared assassins or the soldiers of an enemy clan.


Ando felt completely at peace, and not because of the cirlce of guards or the proximity of the hall.
With the grass he had played in since he was a child waving quietly around them, his father close by and the velvet mantle of night overhead he felt as if nothing could harm them. His father seemed to think so as well; like his son his head was tipped back as far as it would go so he could watch the spears of silver light flash overhead, streaking over the plains to vanish behind the towering snow-capped peaks. A faint smile played across his bearded lips.


The boy looked sidelong at his father, admiring the powerful features; the long black beard and the hawklike nose; the dark eyes that were wild and yet also kindly. Ando was often told he resembled his father, apart from the beard which he was yet to grow, and his eyes, which were more like his mothers; softer and less fearsome.


Sensing his son's gaze, his father turned and looked at him.
“You tire of the stars already Ando?” he asked, his tone, as always, somewhere between admonishment and amusement. Ando shook his head
“No father,” he smiled.
“Good. Remember what I told you about those falling stars?”
“Yes father,” Ando looked back up as another brilliant spark soared silently overhead, “They are ships, from another world, coming to land at the Union city that lies far beyond the mountains.”
“Correct. And why do they come to our world?”
“Because they desire the ores that the Union miners extract from the mountains, which they then take back to their great forges off-world, to be processed into the trappings of decadence and idleness that mark their culture.” Ando's father grinned at his son's words, his teeth gleaming white in the moonlight amid the shadow of his beard.


“I hear Batsaikhan's words, but spoken with your voice.” he chuckled. The boy pouted.
“Master Batsaikhan says the Union are degenerate and lazy, that they let machines do everything for them, and that some are so infirm that they choose to change their bodies for machines, so they do not have to walk from place to place.”
“Some of the Union do indeed replace their bodies.” He father nodded, his tone kindly, “But it is mostly the pilots who do so; the men and women who guide those stars above us now. They have lived too long away from their planets, and their bodies are weak and thin because of it. The Union citizens who live in the city are just like you and I, more or less.”
“I would like to meet a Union citizen.” Ando announced. Jukai, nearest of his father's guards, let out a hiss of surprise and muttered an oath. Ando's father looked across at the grizzled soldier and raised an eyebrow; Jukai bowed in his saddle and murmured an apology.
“As Jukai points out, that is forbidden Ando. The most ancient of our laws forbids us from crossing the mountains.”
“I know father, but... you are the chieftain of the largest tribe of the Seven Valleys; surely the laws do not apply to you?” Ando looked questioningly up at his father, whose struggled to look offended before suddenly roaring with laughter that echoed across the star-lit plains. The guards and headmen looked around at the noise, then at each other, each raising his eyebrows and rolling their eyes at the audacity and folly of youth.


“Ah my son,” Grinned his father once he had finished laughing, “Were your grandfather here, he would order Jukai and Tsubodai to strip you naked and switch you until you howled for forgiveness!” Ando's gaze darted across at the two guards his father indicated, who both smirked leered at him. His grandfather was long dead and in the great realms beyond, but what little he remembered of the man easily gave truth to his father's jokes.
“Put such thoughts from your head. This is our land, and there is much of it to see. The Union and our people went our separate ways many, many years ago, and we are better for it.”
“Yes father.” Nodded Ando.

[Ursa major]

I don't usually provide comments in this part of the forum, so feel free to ignore them. (Note that some of the odd [ quote-based ] formatting is not my doing: the program insists on adding it.

Ando sat on his horse, his face turned upwards towards the night sky, and watched the stars falling towards the distant southern mountains.

All around him the great grass plains of his homeland sighed and hissed in the night time breeze, the pale, swaying stalks brushing lightly against his greaves and the flanks of his mount. The air was freezing, causing his breath to mist in front of him as he breathed, and he was glad of his thick leather and fleece jerkin and the long fur cloak wrapped around him.


Beside him, sat astride his great stallion Tsolmon and dressed similarly against the cold, was his father, and forming a watchful circle around them were his father's guards and the headmen of their tribe. Every man had a long tulwar at his side and a horsebow on his saddle, but none had either weapon drawn. Ando's father ruled the great plains as far as the mountains to the south and the great rivers to the north, and for leagues in either direction to the east and west; but here, only an hour's ride from their tribe's great hall, no one feared assassins or the soldiers of an enemy clan.

The word “but” is pulling me out of the story here: are the rest of the father’s domain – more than an hour or so’s ride from the great hall – dangerous?

Ando felt completely at peace, and not because of the cirlce of guards or the proximity of the hall. With the grass he had played in since he was a child waving quietly around them, his father close by and the velvet mantle of night overhead

, he felt as if nothing could harm them.

New paragraph, I think.

His father seemed to think so as well; like

Ando's, his head was tipped back as far as it would go so he could watch the spears of silver light flash overhead, streaking over the plains to vanish behind the towering snow-capped peaks. A faint smile played across his bearded lips.


The boy looked sidelong at his father,

I had rather assumed that the son was already looking at his father, or how could he see is father’s smile? Perhaps this observation should be added towards the end of this paragraph.

admiring the powerful features; the long black beard and the hawk

-like nose; the dark eyes that were wild and yet also kindly. Ando was often told he resembled his father, apart from the beard which he was yet to grow, and his eyes, which were more like his mothers; softer and less fearsome.


Sensing his son's gaze, his father turned and looked at him.
“You tire of the stars already Ando?” he asked, his tone, as always, somewhere between admonishment and amusement.

New paragraph.

Ando shook his head

. “No father.” He smiled.
“Good. Remember what I told you about those falling stars?”

“Yes father,” Ando looked back up as another brilliant spark soared silently overhead. “They are ships, from another world, coming to land at the Union city that lies far beyond the mountains.”

“Correct. And why do they come to our world?”

“Because they desire the ores that the Union miners extract from the mountains, which they then take back to their great forges off-world, to be processed into the trappings of decadence and idleness that mark their culture.”

New paragraph.

Ando's father grinned at his son's words, his teeth gleaming white in the moonlight amid the shadow of his beard.

“I hear Batsaikhan's words, but spoken with your voice.” he chuckled.

New paragraph.

The boy pouted. “Master Batsaikhan says the Union are degenerate and lazy, that they let machines do everything for them, and that some are so infirm that they choose to change their bodies for machines, so they do not have to walk from place to place.”

“Some of the Union do indeed replace their bodies.” His father nodded, his tone kindly. “But it is mostly the pilots who do so; the men and women who guide those stars above us now. They have lived too long away from their planets, and their bodies are weak and thin because of it. The Union citizens who live in the city are just like you and I, more or less.”

“I would like to meet a Union citizen,” Ando announced.

Jukai, the nearest of his father's guards, let out a hiss of surprise and muttered an oath. Ando's father looked across at the grizzled soldier and raised an eyebrow; Jukai bowed in his saddle and murmured an apology.

“As Jukai points out, that is forbidden, Ando. The most ancient of our laws forbids us from crossing the mountains.”

“I know father, but— You are the chieftain of the largest tribe of the Seven Valleys; surely the laws do not apply to you?” Ando looked questioningly up at his father, whose struggled to look offended before suddenly roaring with laughter that echoed across the star-lit plains. The guards and headmen looked around at the noise, then at each other, each raising his eyebrows and rolling their eyes at the audacity and folly of youth.


“Ah my son.” His father grinned once he had finished laughing, “Were your grandfather here, he would order Jukai and Tsubodai to strip you naked and switch you until you howled for forgiveness!”

Ando's gaze darted across at the two guards his father indicated, who both smirked leered at him. His grandfather was long dead and in the great realms beyond, but what little he remembered of the man easily gave truth to his father's jokes.

“Put such thoughts from your head. This is our land, and there is much of it to see. The Union and our people went our separate ways many, many years ago, and we are better for it.”

Ando nodded. “Yes father.”

[TheEndIsNigh]

OK it's a tad longer piece than I like to get involved with but here goes. (I may give up if my head hits the keyboard)

Originally Posted by n2so4

Just a little piece of writing I did to keep my hand in. It might become something longer, depending on how I feel about it.

In the meantime I'd love somefeedback on it!

Do your worst

-Horsemen-

Ando sat on his horse, his face turned upwards towards the night sky, and watched the stars falling towards the distant southern mountains. (this is what made me comment - If you are intending that north south east and west are Earth standard norm - why else use the terms if not - then north would be up and south down in the same relationship they are on earth. If so then the stars would not fall to the south they would move in an east or west relative direction)
All around him the great grass plains of his homeland sighed and hissed in the night time breeze, the pale, swaying stalks brushing lightly against his greaves and the flanks of his mount. The air was freezing, causing his breath to mist in front of him as he breathed, and he was glad of his thick leather and fleece jerkin and the long fur cloak wrapped around him.


Beside him, sat astride his great stallion Tsolmon and dressed similarly against the cold was his father, and forming a watchful circle around them were his father's guards and the headmen of their tribe. Every man had a long tulwar at his side and a horsebow on his saddle, but none had either weapon drawn. Ando's father ruled the great plains as far as the mountains to the south and the great rivers to the north, and for leagues in either direction to the east and west, but here, only an hour's ride from their tribe's great hall, no one feared assassins or the soldiers of an enemy clan.


Ando felt completely at peace, and not because of the cirlce of guards or the proximity of the hall.
With the grass he had played in since he was a child waving quietly around them, his father close by and the velvet mantle of night overhead he felt as if nothing could harm them (labouring the point a bit IMO). His father seemed to think so as well; like his son his head was tipped back as far as it would go so he could watch the spears of silver light flash overhead, streaking over the plains to vanish behind the towering snow-capped peaks. A faint smile played across his bearded lips. (OK so they were shooting stars - not clear enough)


The boy (child to boy not a lot of difference) looked sidelong at his father, admiring the powerful features; the long black beard and the hawklike nose; the dark eyes that were wild and yet also kindly. Ando was often told he resembled his father, apart from the beard which he was yet to grow, and his eyes, which were more like his mothers; softer and less fearsome.


Sensing his son's gaze, his father turned and looked at him.
“You tire of the stars already Ando?” he asked, his tone, as always, somewhere between admonishment and amusement. Ando shook his head
“No father,” he smiled.
“Good. Remember what I told you about those falling stars?” (that's three misconceptions introduced)
“Yes father,” Ando looked back up as another brilliant spark soared silently overhead, “They are ships, from another world, coming to land at the Union city that lies far beyond the mountains.”
“Correct. And why do they come to our world?”
“Because they desire the ores that the Union miners extract from the mountains, which they then take back to their great forges off-world, to be processed into the trappings of decadence and idleness that mark their culture.” Ando's father grinned at his son's words, his teeth gleaming white in the moonlight amid the shadow of his beard. (It would be unlikely to be processed off world - even the richest ore would be better refined to a purer form rather than transport it up into orbit and halfway across the galaxy)


“I hear Batsaikhan's words, but spoken with your voice.” he chuckled. The boy pouted.
“Master Batsaikhan says the Union are degenerate and lazy, that they let machines do everything for them, and that some are so infirm that they choose to change their bodies for machines, so they do not have to walk from place to place.”
“Some of the Union do indeed replace their bodies.” He father nodded, his tone kindly, “But it is mostly the pilots who do so; the men and women who guide those stars above us now. They have lived too long away from their planets, and their bodies are weak and thin because of it. The Union citizens who live in the city are just like you and I, more or less.” (given the forbidden nature of these Union :- below this seems an alfully well informed response as to the nature of these people)
“I would like to meet a Union citizen.” Ando announced. Jukai, nearest of his father's guards, let out a hiss of surprise and muttered an oath. Ando's father looked across at the grizzled soldier and raised an eyebrow (In the dark?); Jukai bowed in his saddle and murmured an apology.
“As Jukai points out, that is forbidden Ando. The most ancient of our laws forbids us from crossing the mountains.”
“I know father, but... you are the chieftain of the largest tribe of the Seven Valleys; (Whoa: Ando's father ruled the great plains as far as the mountains to the south and the great rivers to the north, and for leagues in either direction to the east and west - where are these other seven valleys), he was surely the laws do not apply to you?” Ando looked questioningly up at his father, whose struggled to look (in the dark) offended before suddenly roaring with laughter that echoed across the star-lit plains. The guards and headmen looked around at the noise, then at each other, each raising his eyebrows and rolling their eyes at the audacity and folly of youth.


“Ah my son,” Grinned his father once he had finished laughing, “Were your grandfather here, he would order Jukai and Tsubodai to strip you naked and switch you until you howled for forgiveness!” Ando's gaze darted across at the two guards his father indicated, who both smirked leered at him. His grandfather was long dead and in the great realms beyond, but what little he remembered of the man easily gave truth to his father's jokes.
“Put such thoughts from your head. This is our land, and there is much of it to see. The Union and our people went our separate ways many, many years ago, and we are better for it.”
“Yes father.” Nodded Ando.

[Ursa major]

Isn't that the point, TEIN: that the meteors are heading south and that they are caused by ships, not meteoroids?

[TheEndIsNigh]

We know that now Ursa. I just think a little clarification would stop the reader building one picture of the scene only to have it shattered not once, but twice.

OK so maybe I shouldn't assume things. However, when I read a book I like to get the surrounding established if possible (IE if clues are given). Then within the scene things are said and actions taken. If the scene is such that a brick wall is mentioned and that wall would prevent someone seeing another character it puts me off if the fact is completely ignored. Too many of these annoyances, too often, tends to find the book hurtling toward the filing system that is the bin in the corner.

[Ursa major]

I simply thought that it was an attempt to introduce a little mystery into the first line. (The Curse of the First Line strikes again, perhaps?)

The problem with it, I would have thought, is that not enough people would worry that the meteors were heading south and so few would ask themselves the question: What is going on here?

[Uberflaven]

I actually like the turning point created by the fact the meteors are in fact spaceships; it first hit me as a fantasy story set in a LOTR/warhammer world, but later turned out to be a futuristic world inhabited by people who don't unse technology, or inhabited by people visited by advanced races. It reconstructed the image I was getting on the setting, and it felt good, since it opened up a new fronteer (space) and a whole new lot of possible plot devices (technology).
The fact that Ando has a likeing for the technology (or at least curiosity) fuels the possibility of him crossing the mountains and getting caught up in an interesting adventure, or someone coming over from the other side of the mountains requesting help.
As a last comment, the fact that the meteor shower headed south I didn't mind, I simply pictured the meteors as falling form above in a straigt line, and heading south from their point of view, so it didn't ocur to me they were not meteors.
Hope this develops into an interesting story!

[n2so4]

I have to honestly say I never knew shooting stars only fell east/west! That said, I don't know many people who would know that either!
And, as pointed out, they aren't really shooting stars anyway.

Thanks for the feedback though! I might give this a rewrite taking the advice given and see where it leads!

[blacknorth]

I would look at exposition. I am assuming that this is the opening of a chapter/story and part of your intention is to give as much information/backstory to the reader as possible. The Q&A session between father and son is workable but a bit tired.

This is just a suggestion but perhaps a more action oriented opening where the boy is, say, lost and one of the meteor-ships crashlands nearby, off-course. He is astonished to find it is a ship rather than a meteor and his curiosity places him in danger. The father/soldiers are forced to mount a rescue operation. By filling in the boy's half-knowledge with what he finds in the ship and the frantic nature of the rescue, a lot of the information you have given could could be disclosed with suspense rather than Q&A.

Hope you persist, some interesting things in there.

[n2so4]

Originally Posted by blacknorth

This is just a suggestion but perhaps an more action oriented opening where the boy is, say, lost and one of the meteor-ships crashlands nearby, off-course. He is astonished to find it is a ship rather than a meteor and his curiosity places him in danger. The father/soldiers are forced to mount a rescue operation. By filling in the boy's half-knowledge with what he finds in the ship and the frantic nature of the rescue, a lot of the information you have given could could be disclosed with suspense rather than Q&A.

Actually, this is pretty much what I had planned for this piece! Maybe I should start with it, rather than have the preamble to set the scene.

[blacknorth]

I think it would be a good way to start - the notion of the innocent endangered by the forbidden by chance, by an accident, can lead to all sorts of places. I think the boy's curiosity/journey is the key to the reader's attention.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Originally Posted by n2so4

I have to honestly say I never knew shooting stars only fell east/west! That said, I don't know many people who would know that either!
And, as pointed out, they aren't really shooting stars anyway.

Thanks for the feedback though! I might give this a rewrite taking the advice given and see where it leads!

They don't. However in the piece they were described as just "stars falling" not shooting stars. Stars would (OK slowly) appear to "fall" in the plane of rotation of the planet. Hence my comment.

Cheers

[Ursa major]

Some of us are old enough to recall the line from the song**, "Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket...," and so usually treat falling stars and a shooting stars as being the same.


As to beginning with action, I believe that the SFF agent who visits this site has stated that not enough stories start with some action, so blacknorth has made a good point.




** -Oddly enough, there are no lines in the song about heading for A&E with a injury to one's hand and a burn to one's leg.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Beware that tap on the shoulder Ursa

[n2so4]

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

They don't. However in the piece they were described as just "stars falling" not shooting stars. Stars would (OK slowly) appear to "fall" in the plane of rotation of the planet. Hence my comment.

Cheers

I appriciate the feedback, but I have to say I find this little piece a bit... odd. I don't know anyone who would read the line "Stars falling southward" and think "Hang on, stars only fall east/west... I must read on!"

Anyhoo.