Depression

[AE35Unit]

Good sleep and diet are also important. I lack both.

[mygoditsraining]

With regards to information pertaining to medication, the cochrane collaboration (cochrane.org) is generally the best free source you'll find.

Cochrane Reviews - by sub-topics 'Depression, Anxiety and Neurosis'

As has been said before, medication is not the only route. Thankfully doctors seem to have got over the early-90's habit of handing out prescriptions as if they were dispensing jelly beans and appropriate help can be provided.

Can I also just say that if you feel bad about just 5 pages, you should take heart from the anecdote usually attributed to James Joyce. The story goes that he was found one day by a friend, sitting at his desk, obviously distraught.

"What is it? Is it the work?"

He simply nods in reply. Yes, it's the work.

"How much have you managed today?"

"Seven." It comes out almost like a sob. "Seven words."

"That's not so bad," his friend replies, trying to be conciliatory.

"Yes," Joyce replies, looking up at his friend with red-rimmed eyes, "but what order do they go in?"

[Deathpool]

Sleep and diet are important? Hmm. Contemplates this.

[Interference]

Originally Posted by Jon_Sauve123

This is something I've been dealing with for a few years, after a period of serious poverty and unhappiness in the family. I'd been able to beat it back for awhile. Recently though I've been pushing myself hard to write more because I was sick of being lazy and getting nothing done. For a couple months I have been writing for hours every single day - as I'm sure a lot of writers do. But occasionally I just hit a dead end. I'm not sure what it is. I can think of nothing to write, and I suddenly begin to believe that all this writing that I've been doing is boring and pointless. In blunt terms, I think my book sucks.

I haven't read the other replies, so I may either echo or contradict many of them in what I'm about to say. All I'll say is that this is an untrained opinion based only on what you've said here and you are perfectly entitled to ignore me completely. I'm pretty sure someone has said "Get to a doctor, preferably one you can trust and be open with, and get a medical opinion." I think this is always a very good first step and inportant for you to consider, if you haven't already.

Much of what you've said resonates personally for me. The need to prove worthiness, annoyance at being lazy, burying yourself in your work. And the down periods where you analyse your progress and become dismissive of it and yourself. One begets the other. The voice in your head saying "you can't be as good as you think, look at your spelling" or whatever.

Peer support is incredibly useful during this period. Failing that, I often turn to something else. I play guitar so that's easy for me. The important thing for me has always been not to force my way through the writing, the results are nearly always unsatisfactory, but to ease myself around it. If my writing stinks I stop writing or write something else for a while. If my music stinks, I re-read my writing and am sometimes surprised to note that it isn't really that bad, after all. Then I edit and edit and re-write and re-write and I get quite a buzz out of it, seeing improvements take shape.

Very soon I'm writing again. Back in the saddle.

Here and elsewhere I've repeatedly said "write something, anything" every day. Even this reply to you is serving a purpose for me (and, I sincerely hope, for you). But I still take breaks, sometimes for days at a time, while my unconscious mulls over a plot point or a story arc. I have other things to keep my creative juices flowing. Perhaps, for you, it's the games that let you vent.

Your next points are more striking, so I'd like, if I may, to treat each one separately. Again the reminder that I, essentially, know nothing, but something I say here may just accidentally help you.

Originally Posted by Jon_Sauve123

[LIST][*]I have lost a bunch of weight recently. I used to be kind of fat so it was good at first, but I hear this is one of the symptoms of depression, a change in appetite and weight gain/loss. This could also be a result of my hardcore writing recently, all that brain work burns calories, after all. Maybe this is reversing though, cause I just ate a big plate of spaghetti and I'm starving again.

During my depressions, weight loss has gone along with loss of appetite. I have used change of diet as a way to work around starving to death. It may be that you are being more energetic, anyway, through your sublimated anger and through your work. Regardless, when I'm working creativel, I rarely even think about food for hours, sometimes days on end. It's part of my undisciplined approach to working.

Originally Posted by Jon_Sauve123

[LIST][*]Everything that used to sound fun sounds like a pain now. I can't even bring myself to play any of my favorite computer games.

Once again, I stopped playing games completely after being a virtual addict for three or four years. I just felt they were taking up too much time that I could more efficiently spend elsewhere. It wasn't a decision, so much as a realisation or discovery. You might just be in the same zone as I was. Which is annoying because you still keep getting games as presents for birthdays and Christmasses for years after that.

Other things that you found fun and are now a pain may well fit into a similar category, or possibly the adrenaline rush you used to get from them has been replaced by something else. I don't know, you'll know better.

Originally Posted by Jon_Sauve123

[LIST][*]I've recently been waking up constantly throughout the night. I feel tired all the time. A few weeks ago I even hallucinated a couple times, either that or my room is haunted because I saw a face on the back of my chair, and it spun around by itself (granted, this was at night right before falling asleep).

You don't say what wakens you. Headaches? A feeling of disquiet? Restlessness? Hunger? The hallucination suggestsa the last of these, and I think you're right to connect it with the pre-sleep period and the tricks of your own active imagination. Which is not to say that it isn't telling you something.

Let's look at the hallucination first.

You know that in any random collection of squiggles or dots, our brains will locate a face and resolve it. I'm assuming the room was dark, in which case your own vision is providing a lot of these swirls. If you need glasses and weren't wearing them, the effect is even more enhanced. You were near sleep, so your eyes were adjusting. The face moves as new shapes come in to place.

Try this.

Get a mirror and a bright light. Shine the light in your face and stare fixedly at your face for at least a couple of minutes. Without blinking or moving, turn off the light. Scary or what? But not a ghost.

Originally Posted by Jon_Sauve123

[LIST][*]The already mentioned episodes where I think my writing his horrible

There isn't a person on this forum who doesn't frequently (constantly?) have this opinion of themselves and their skill. The truth is, your writing is developing and you are learning from page to page. You will read old work and nearly cry. But everything you write is serving its purpose. Your skills are developing with everything you read or write. Weight lifters start with something they can lift. When their muscles are stronger, they laugh at the weakling they used to be. We are the same as writers. I look at my childhood work with affection but show it to no one. I may use an idea here or there from then, that's all. If I'm ever published it will be because my skill exceeds that of the commissioning editor, nothing more. I will still strive to exceed myself and consider many of my older works talentless, meaningless and worthless.

Originally Posted by Jon_Sauve123

• Physical discomfort - before it was headaches, now my neck is bothering me, and some days I even feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. These could be attributed to my constant drinking of tea.

Again, you are being me. My back and neck get incredibly sore and I get migraines in the night that wake me up with the pain. Posture, I've been told, and certainly if I write for extended periods, my head hardly ever lifts off the keyboard (no touch-typist, me ). The neck ache leads to the headache, I'm sure. I shoudl force myself to get up and walk around more between thinking and writing, but I usually end up re-reading instead and correcting. So for periods of up to 16 - 20 hours, the only time I'm not sitting there with my arms so and my hands so and my head so is when nature calls for one of her many natural reasons. Or the phone rings. The heart attack feeling - again, is this in the heart or in the chest muscles. The explanation is very likely exactly the same.

I hope some if what I've said has been of some use to you, even if only as things to rule out and dismiss out of hand. In any case, I hope you find the reasons you're seeking and can cope with the situation without doing anything extreme

First stop, though, as I say, get a medical opinion and make sure there is nothing that needs urgent attention.

Good luck.

[HoopyFrood]

About the heart attack feeling -- yeah, drinking too much caffeine can cause your heart to beat faster, and when you become aware of it (and start getting worried about it) it can bring on a panic attack...which has fun symptoms such as breathlessness, chest pain, trembling, rapid heartbeat, a sense of impending doom etc. So all things that could be seen as a heart attack. Thinking that it might be such ironically leads to the panic attack worsening! Caffeine doesn't need to be cut out completely, but cutting down would definitely help. Anxiety can generally manifest itself in different ways, too, including bodily pains and changes in diet/digestion problems.

If you want to get away from what you're writing for a while, but still want to carry on with the actual act of writing, writing (and how many times can I say writing in one sentence?) out worries or problems or just general feelings sometimes help. Just getting it out of your head and into some kind of coherent order can sometimes help...

[Interference]

Originally Posted by mygoditsraining

"What is it? Is it the work?"

He simply nods in reply. Yes, it's the work.

"How much have you managed today?"

"Seven." It comes out almost like a sob. "Seven words."

"That's not so bad," his friend replies, trying to be conciliatory.

"Yes," Joyce replies, looking up at his friend with red-rimmed eyes, "but what order do they go in?"

ROTFL

I love a good James Joyce anecdote

[Deathpool]

I liked the enecdote when I read it.

[Daisy-Boo]

Jon

Since you haven't yet posted an update I don't know how you're doing. I really hope things have improved.

I can only echo what many have already said - see a psychiatrist or psychologist, someone who is trained in this area. You might not need medication, a form of therapy could work for you.

I have Major Depressive Disorder (since childhood) and I resisted medication for years. After experimenting with various drugs (under the supervision of a psychiatrist of course!), I finally found that Zoloft works best for me. If you need to go on medication then don't be afraid to tell your doctor about all the side-effects. A responsible doctor will work with you to find the correct combination/dosage for you.

I also see a clinical psychologist once a week and that, in conjunction with the medication, has done wonders for me.

You're brave to acknowledge that something is wrong and you need help. Good luck and if you need to pm me to ask me anything else about this...please feel free to do so.

[Alysheba]

Jon I hope you are doing okay. I've had severe bouts of depression myself throughout my lifetime and after two suicide attempts and multiple trips to the shrink, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It sounds to me that the first thing is to tell your doctor about the situation as well as someone you trust and can confide in. If it is depression you do not want to go at it alone because in the end that is a very bad place to be (trust me on this). As far as the racing heart that can be a side affect from too much caffeine and you may want to try decaffeinated or herbal tea to see if that helps. It could also be a panic or anxiety attack. Which is another reason to clue a doctor in on this. It's interesting that you are a writer because I myself am an artist and it seems to me anyway that people that have the creative gene will go through ruts from time to time and then at times just the opposite happens. Generally artists, writers, filmmakers and the like tend to be classified as moody by the general public and perhaps they are more apt to be diagnosed with certain disorders like depression, bipolar or manic depression. All I know is that it took me quite a few years to nail down what I had and to try and work with it. It's a struggle at times but having known what the deal is and having people around me that are aware of my situation has helped me a good deal. I sure hope things turn around for you.