Son of Arun - Feedback welcome

[GreyWulf]

Hi, its been a while since I had a look at the forum, and decided to post something up as I take a look about.


This is a section of a short story I have written about my character Garius.

I hope you enjoy it folks, though I must admit I don't think it is up to scratch compared to other work on here






SON OF ARUN

From Boy To Man

A tale of Garius Faraday





My hands are stinging.
I tighten my grip on my sword, trying to get some feeling back in to my fingers.

“Come on, young pup,” says Father, “You can do better then that!”
Grinning, he waits for me to attack again.
The wooden training sword looks silly in his big hands, as does the padding strapped to his chest and stomach.

I adjust my own chest pad, the wool stuffed cushion having slipped during our last exchange of blows.
Father had won, knocking aside my attacks to belt me in the stomach with his sword.
It had not hurt, but had wounded my youthful pride.

I was going to beat him this time.

Father smiles, knowing the look in my eyes.
“Come on, Garius” he says, beckoning me with a calloused finger.

All I have to do is score one point, just one clean blow to his padding.
I breathe in.
I blank out the clearing, the gentle tingle of the sun on my bare arms, the piercing call of bird song amid the darkness of the forest.
I single out the gurgle of the river nearby, focusing on the soft strength of the water.
I breathe out.

Lunging forward, I fake a backhand swipe to Father’s stomach to make him pull his guard low then thrust a straight jab at his chest.

He steps back and brings his block up, the wooden swords cracking together as he knocks my attack skywards.

He carries on with his swing and aims a blow at my belly, coming in low with his weapon as his arm comes round at the bottom of its arc.

I spin to avoid the attack and drive my sword in towards his abdomen.

Father again swings to knock my blow aside, aiming to force me wide open for an attack.

At the last moment I tilt my sword up and his weapon sails past mine, whistling through the air as it misses.

I adjust my grip and thrust my sword in to his padding, the blow digging deep in the feathered cushion.

I dance back, a warm feeling of success starting to buzz in me.

I have scored against Father for the first time.

He is looking at me with a combination of pain and pride, holding his stomach with a hand beneath the padding.

“Well done, son,” he says.

I smile widely, unable to hide my glee.

Father waves me towards him and holds his arms wide.

I accept the embrace, my head resting against his chest as he holds me in his arms.

“It took me till my twenty third winter before I could best your grandfather,” he says, “That you did it at nineteen means you are either destined to better my skill…”
He holds me at arms length with a grin on his face.
“…Or that I am already too old and weary to thrash my own son one more time”

I laugh and push him off, proud of my achievement though aware of how good my father’s blade skill is.

He is the best swordsman in the village, known for his adventuring during his wild youth and also defending Arun on occasion from curious forest goblins that tried to raid our chicken coops.

That I could be better then him had never crossed my mind.
Until today.

I smile and start to unstrap my pads, the fabric sweaty from being next to my skin during my efforts.
“I was lucky, Father” I say.

Father shakes his head, removing his own padding before moving towards our folded clothing.
He is still broad and muscled at fourty five, various scars etched on his taned body.

Though I am young I know that my own body is also in good shape, hours spent toiling in fields and vigorous sword practice toning my young frame.

The looks the girls of the village had started throwing my way only confirmed to me that I looked like I could look after myself.

I grin at the thought of Fiona, the daughter of the village hunter, the girl I have set my mind on as my partner for the Harvest Dance.

She always giggled with her friends when I walked by, a gesture that my friend Jacek tells me means that she likes me.
He is older then me, so therefore is more versed in the ways of girls then I.

My wandering mind is snapped back to reality at the sound of my fathers voice.

“Garius, we must make haste!”

I turn to look at him and see his gaze is placed in the direction of Arun.

A thin plume of smoke is marking where our village sits.

Father breaks in to a run, diving in to the forest to head towards home.

“The village is a blaze” he shouts as he goes.

I sprint to follow, panic building inside me.

[chrispenycate]

"the wool stuffed cushion having slipped ","the blow digging deep in the feathered cushion."

they've taken half the furniture out of the house.

I laugh and push him off, proud of my achievement though aware of how good my father’s blade skill is.

why "though"? Surely, the better his father is, the more proud he should feel.

He is still broad and muscled at fourty five, various scars etched on his taned body.

forty and tanned

I looked like I could look after myself.

clumsy; oh, I'm for "as if" rather than "like", but I think it's the two "look"s that make it lumpy

so therefore is more versed in the ways of girls then I.

than

at the sound of my fathers voice.

father's

I turn to look at him and see his gaze is placed in the direction of Arun.

"placed in the direction of" is not a nice formation

“The village is a blaze” he shouts as he goes.

ablaze

[TC4816]

For what it's worth, these are some items that are easily fixed to make the story smoother. Better would be to change the format into smaller paragraphs than the current two line or so format.

“You can do better then that!”
Should be than
proud of my achievement though aware of how good my father’s blade skill is
Would sound more in character as: proud of my achievement, being fully aware of how
better then him had never
Should be than
his taned body
Should be tanned
Though I am young I know
Better: though I am young, I know
The looks the girls of the village had started throwing my way only confirmed to me that I looked like I could look after myself.
Easier read: The looks the girls of the village had started throwing my way confirmed how I believed I appeared.
older then me, so therefore is more
Should be: older than me, therefore is more or than me, so is more
fathers voice.
Should be: father's voice.
turn to look at him and see his gaze is placed in the direction of Arun.
Might read better: turn to look at him and see his gaze directed at Arun.
in to the
Did you mean to say: into the forest
a blaze” he
Should be ablaze, he shouts as he goes.

Hope this helps.