What would you do if the person above you was-

[Interference]

Wouldn't surprise me. Simon Cowell takes up a lot of time in the make-up department, apparently.

WWYDI reality television was all made up?

[GrownUp]

Oh my god, it has to be. Out of work actors, there are millions of them.


WWYDI chocolate and fudge and crisps were compulsory breakfast foods. And toast was banned.

[Interference]

Grin and bear it

WWYDI the Easter Bunny was real but misidentified as the basket of Easter Eggs he carries are all stolen from US!!!!

[bunnypeaches]

I'd cover his trail while he made a run for the border. Into Scotland I guess... Or Wales. Not many good borders around here...

WWYDI due to an administrative error you ended up on the Most Wanted list?

[GrownUp]

Revel in the notoriety, possibly write a book.


WWYDI tea gave tea drinkers super powers.

[bunnypeaches]

I'd probably still prefer coffee Unless fruit or peppermint tea counts too?

WWYDI you had to choose between being reborn a dog or a cat?

[Interference]

Choose. But I'm not saying which

WWYDI someone said they missed you but didn't talk to you all day?

[bunnypeaches]

I'd go home and let them miss me some more...

WWYDI you'd been invited to a 'pimps and hoes' themed Birthday party but weren't sure how you dress as a garden tool?

[The Ace]

Go as Simon Cowell.

WWYDI you got volunteered for crucifixion to celebrate Easter ?

[GrownUp]

Whatever I would do, it'd probably be blasphemous. I mean, just for starters, I'd probably blaspheme.


WWYDI you were arrested for a crime you did commit. And you had a really, really good secret reason for commiting the crime.

(Warning. Your answer may lead to my writing a screenplay.)

[Interference]

When this happened to me, back when the sky still had a hint of colour during the day and it was even possible to marvel at the sight of a star in the night sky, there were four of us involved. Everyone already knows the story of Maltor Flax and Stolid Stan, but I think I'm the only one left who knows the whole story and how Starlight Soolian became the first woman on Earth to encompass the full extent of the infinity of space, Time and all the dimensions and planes beyond them.

I don't know exactly when it began - no, that isn't really true. It began when I met Starlight for the first time. Malt and Stan and Cringing Pete and me had just pulled a job and were planning on fencing it in Norway that Summer when she first appeared. Pete was in the john, as usual, doing whatever he does that gives him that glazed look whenever he comes out again and Malt was saying stuff like "break up the jools and swally 'em" and Stan and I were laughing at him miming the whole thing and suddenly it turned a bit cold, you know? Cold. I don't know, is cold the right word? You know when you cut the circulation off your hand or something, that numb feeling when the blood first starts flowing, before the pins and needles? Well, kinda like that, only all over.

I can't tell you what her voice sounded like because it wasn't like any voice. It was like music, sure, but not like any music, either. It was maybe the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard in my life. And I mean in any of my lives, because -- well, no, that would take too long to tell. Let's just say I touched infinity, too, for a while. For a spell, you might say.

I don't know why she came to us. She never gave a reason and none of us asked at the time. She just sang at us and we knew what she wanted and we knew we wanted to do anything she asked. Which is when Pete came back looking glazed and caught her eye. We think he had a fit or something when he looked at her. She said he "overloaded" and added something about drugs being the artificial path that floods the brain when the truth is known. She was sad, too, cos she said "His path would have been truer without them."

The man we had to kill was called Arthur Black. People knew him as Black Art. Everyone was scared of him. No one bothered Black Art and bragged about it. There was something about him, an aura I'd say now, back then I'd just have said he was spooky. When we broke into his house to get the crystal, he was sitting waiting for us. We knew he would be. We were the diversion. She did the killing, but don't ask me how she did it. One minute he was pointing a stick at us, grinning like he knew everything there was to know, next moment he was proved wrong and spilled into a heap of dust at my feet.

Malt threw the crystal to Pete. Pete shimmied down the ladder to the car while Malt and me turned the place over, making it look like a real burglary or something. Only later did it occur to me to wonder why we bothered. It was drawing attention to us. I mean, as far as anyone knew, Black Art just disappeared. No one would have identified a dusty piece of the carpet as a dead man.

Starlight was kind of shimmering now, kind of glowing, kind of rapturous look on her boat race. She smiled at me just before she vanished and said, "Thank you," and then she went. I could hear sirens.

Malt went and got in the car, using the stairs and the front door. I was still standing there when the cops arrived. I've no idea, seriously no idea why I didn't go, too.

Malt visited me last week. Said him and Stan were getting out of the country. Someone had fingered them for the murder. I said, "What murder?" and Malt couldn't answer that. They shouldn't have tried to shoot it out. That was stupid. I got the news yesterday. They didn't make it.

It was around then that the stars went out and the skies went all grey.

She came to me last night, touched my dream, touched infinity with me. She said everything would be fixed up just fine and that she had time on her hands now. Or Time in her hands. It's all a bit hazy. Anyway, she said everything would be okay and I know she wasn't lying to me.

I'd touched infinity with her.

OR:

I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you.



WWYDI everything I just said was true?

[GrownUp]

Hey! I said my writing a screenplay. Me!

[Interference]

I'll take a cut

[GrownUp]

It was quite good though.

If the story were true I'd erect a memorial to Arthur Black, hold a wake. He was a nice bloke, much maligned, always bought his round. This whole time and the Universe thing is over-rated.

WWYDI you had to cast this meandering masterpiece?

[Interference]

You want me to do all the work for you?

WWYDI Keanu Reeves auditioned for it?


(Meandering? )