Demon Nightmare fragment

[GreyWulf]

Was after an opinion of how this flows, have just written it and am unsure wether to dump it or go through and tighten it up



I am standing upon a hilltop watching a vision of evil.

The village below is aflame.

Like a vision of hell, everywhere there is fire and violence, blood running through the streets as rivers of red.

Arcane chanting punctuates the air, mixing with the roar of the inferno in a symphony of chaos.

Among the destruction stalk nightmarish human figures, their bodies hunched and twisted, brutal weaponry clutched in clawed hands.

They are singing obscene prayers as they search through the smouldering wreckage, overturning debris as they hunt for survivors.

They find one, a hysterical woman, who balks at the sight of the fiends and tries to run.

They toy with her, clutching at her skirts playfully while gibbering hateful words from their fanged mouths.

She trips screaming amongst the rubble and falls, hidden from sight amongst stone and timber.

I am thankful for this small mercy as the creatures pounce upon her and rend her.

Her cries for mercy rise above the howls of evil mirth, stinging my ears.

My eyes are drawn away from the slaughter by an unknown force.

It wishes me to witness the arrival of the masters of the host

Two hulking shapes emerge from the smoke and flames, armoured giants born of hate.

The largest roars, the hunched creatures scattering in fear before him.

He hefts a massive long handled axe on to one thick shoulder, the weapon pulsing with dark power.

Muscles bulge and ripple beneath filth stained flesh as the monster stands amongst the terrible destruction, naked to the waist, his massive legs covered in greaves of bone trimmed blackened steel.

From within the eye slits of his helmet two eyes burn red, regarding the destruction with malevolent pride.

The other prowls forward, a wicked blade in one fist, on the other hand a great gauntlet of which each finger is worked in to a razor point.

Every surface of his spiked studded black armour is slick with the lifeblood of the slaughtered village.

His face is covered by a carved facemask of bleached bone, the cheeks etched with symbols of Chaos.

This one slowly turns to gaze at me standing frozen on the hill.
He raises his terrible blade at me, not in challenge but in a salute.

The hell prince reaches up with metal talons and removes his death mask.

What is revealed drives me to my knees in the churned mud, weeping in horror

His face is mine.

[StormFeather]

Originally Posted by GreyWulf

Was after an opinion of how this flows, have just written it and am unsure wether to dump it or go through and tighten it up



I am standing upon a hilltop watching a vision of evil.

The village below is aflame.

Like a vision of hell, everywhere there is fire and violence, blood running through the streets as rivers of red.

Arcane chanting punctuates the air, mixing with the roar of the inferno in a symphony of chaos.

Among the destruction stalk nightmarish human figures, their bodies hunched and twisted, brutal weaponry clutched in clawed hands.
This doesn't flow so well for me - instead of 'Among' how about Amid?

They are singing obscene prayers as they search through the smouldering wreckage, overturning debris as they hunt for survivors.

They find one, a hysterical woman, who balks at the sight of the fiends and tries to run.

They toy with her, clutching at her skirts playfully while gibbering hateful words from their fanged mouths.

She trips screaming amongst the rubble and falls, hidden from sight amongst stone and timber.

I am thankful for this small mercy as the creatures pounce upon her and rend her.

Her cries for mercy rise above the howls of evil mirth, stinging my ears.

My eyes are drawn away from the slaughter by an unknown force.

It wishes me to witness the arrival of the masters of the host
What wishes? The eyes or something else?

Two hulking shapes emerge from the smoke and flames, armoured giants born of hate.

The largest roars, the hunched creatures scattering in fear before him.

He hefts a massive long handled axe on to one thick shoulder, the weapon pulsing with dark power.

Muscles bulge and ripple beneath filth stained flesh as the monster stands amongst the terrible destruction, naked to the waist, his massive legs covered in greaves of bone trimmed blackened steel.

From within the eye slits of his helmet two eyes burn red, regarding the destruction with malevolent pride.

The other prowls forward, a wicked blade in one fist, on the other hand a great gauntlet of which each finger is worked in to a razor point.

Every surface of his spiked studded black armour is slick with the lifeblood of the slaughtered village.

His face is covered by a carved facemask of bleached bone, the cheeks etched with symbols of Chaos.

This one slowly turns to gaze at me standing frozen on the hill.
He raises his terrible blade at me, not in challenge but in a salute.

The hell prince reaches up with metal talons and removes his death mask.

What is revealed drives me to my knees in the churned mud, weeping in horror

His face is mine.

I'm not great at the grammar side of things, so won't attempt that!
Otherwise I liked it and want to know what happens next

[HareBrain]

Is this the character's dream? Is that why it's all in italics? (Edit - doh! Didn't notice the title!)

One thing that hit a wrong note (ugh, pun) for me was "symphony of chaos". This is in present tense, so you're relating the character's thoughts and sensory input as he experiences them. I can't imagine anyone watching such a scene and thinking, at the time, of comparing it to music; it just doesn't ring true.

There's also the point that we don't really have conscious thought in dreams, so if this is a dream, I'd try to make it more dreamlike. (Though most of it is reported vision, there are a few "thoughts")

The short paragraphs are effective, and end up sounding almost like a religious catechism or something, but I wonder if a few slightly longer paragraphs in there might dampen the slight feeling of a repetitious rhythm.