thought dialogue please critique

[Asmer20]

Originally Posted by Waziwig

Soooooo ....(joke) do the Admini have ... clipboards

No, not really. They focus on disputes and sometimes mentor the just trained. But nice guess!

[blairWitcher]

kinda awkward at first, but i find the whole thing intriguing. as for the italics, well dont know the case on them so I wont comment about it.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Originally Posted by Asmer20

I was just kidding when I said i would put the whole manuscript on the board. I really do appreciate your help guys.

Nigh, in my story, every Admini is required by law to have a scar, the less visible, the long they will serve as Admini, the more visible, the shorter term. Cebera does not serve as an Admini for more than 6 months, the minimum of all Amoretorians.

I've just read my critique again and apologise for all the bad grammar and missing words. Surprised you could make sense of it.

Thanks for the clarification.


However this would make the question of how people know about her abilities pointless.

Is this a birth mark or a scar inflicted by the state.

If it's birth mark then it would make more sense if she didn't have one (indicating that she really is different). This would also give loads of opportunity for drama surrounding her abilities and lack of scar. The meetings in secret by her parents - trying to keep the knowledge hidden and in her early years encounters that nearly revealed her.

If it's inflicted then it seems an odd way of distinguishing rank or abilities. If as a resolver of disputes the parties can look at the scar of the judge and see imeadiately know the states faith in the judges abilities it would put them at an advantage.

In any case why bother with the scar - why not just have an armband/ costume/wig wearing system.

As for why the others would know why she was 'the one' by her scar. If her scar is the same as everyone else your extract doesn't resolve this. If being stubborn and strong headed were the qualification, then just about every person below the age of 25 (and 75% of those above 25 too) would qualify. If it's the prominence and size of the scar that's the 'give away' then to show she was 'the one' would require that the scar would have to be across most of her face - something that might not endear the 'scaree' to act as an agent of the said state.

However, maybe I'm being too logical (I often am)

[chrispenycate]

Just a slight sideline brought up (and nothing to do with the main problem of italics, for which I suspect the answer would be different typefaces for each person on the link (no, I'm not worried about getting the typesetters union on my back; everything's computers now, so it's not like the days of placing lead); in true telepathy, wide band not the telephone text style used here, would someone be able to tell which were his own thoughts and which inserted from without? After all, I quite often find a completely incongruous thought intruding, and if it weren't for the fact that I am the most improbable candidate for telepathy imaginable (either due to "tuning" – my thought processes are not quite like human ones, or the {Spider Robinson} "Empathy is like telepathy's younger brother") I could consider these as being injected from outside, or gleaned from the racial subconscious.

How would thoughts be 'tagged' to recognise their origin, or is a full-blown telepath automatically involved in a sort of "hive mind" with concepts originating in any brain in it?

Oops sorry Asmer for the diversion, but where was I supposed to put it?

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

How would thoughts be 'tagged' to recognise their origin, or is a full-blown telepath automatically involved in a sort of "hive mind" with concepts originating in any brain in it?

I'd think that for wide-band telepathy to be possible, it means everything is connected at an unconscious level, and the individual's unconscious would be capable of tagging a thought (by giving it a "voice" perhaps) as the thought was filtered through it. It would also tend to let through into consciousness only the external thoughts the conscious mind needed to know, in the same way that it filters our millions of memories so we're not continually overwhelmed by them. At least, this would be the case with someone telepathic from birth - someone suddenly exposed to wide-band telepathy would probably go insane.

As for the piece, I thought it worked well, and I didn't think there was any real info-dumping going on. And I don't think it's necessary to differentiate between internal monologue and thoughts projected in from outside. Apart from the first line, which seems like her own thoughts but on re-reading are the other guy's (forgotten his name, sorry ) it's all their conversation, right? Even the first line probably would be clear in context.

[Asmer20]

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

Is this a birth mark or a scar inflicted by the state.

The scar is part of a ceremony acknowledging that the person has attained the second level. There is no birthmark and the entire world is involved, so it is required of all Asmers who serve as Admini.

My trick is to make her look like everyone else, except that she ascends so quickly, the fastest by the age of 25 she becomes Lady of the Elements, the highest position, similar to the Dalai Lama.

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

In any case why bother with the scar - why not just have an armband/ costume/wig wearing system.

That would make the story confusing, because Diamondors all wear an armband, etc of the metal they forge. They may wear headbands, bracelets, tattoos, chokers, etc.

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

However, maybe I'm being too logical (I often am)

That's good, there has to be some logic to all stories.

[DocFlamingo]

If you’re having a character remember what another person said then just treat it as normal dialogue. If you include it as the first character’s thoughts, using the italics, it becomes very confusing and makes it hard to tell what’s happening when and who said what.

[MistingWolf]

I would suggest finding a way to differentiate inner/private thoughts and projected thoughts. Try looking at the Animorphs series, or the Dragon DelaSangre series, both of which have characters that use telepathy. In my own book, I have a mindspeech, in which I enclose with the okina (` You know that little apostrphe-thing above the swung dash). And I am a role-player, and we seperate regular personal thoughts between < > and projected thoughts/telepathy in << >> . Just some food for thought. Hahaha.