A Childish Fantasy

[Sapheron]

Well, after getting my thoughts down in a blog last night I've been writing like crazy. The muse has most definitely hit the fan, and now ideas, and bits of them, are going everywhere. So, here's the prologue. I do like posting my prologues. Out of all I've written it's the bit I'm least sure of my opinions on and, in the nature of prologues, it's the first bit that's the most important for the first impression. What do people think of it?

Prologue: A Childish Fantasy

Alyssa crept down the stone steps. The cellars, as always, were pitch black, and as the light from the kitchen above faded she snapped on her torch. Using it, she quietly found the chair in the corner and climbed onto it to reach the light switch. A murky twilight overtook the darkness.

With a grin she jumped back down, her feet tapping against the flagstone floor. The cellars were old; unlike most of the house above they had never needed to be maintained or replaced. It was her special, secret playground.

“Gamya!” she said, as she wandered deeper into the labyrinth. “Gamya, where are you?”

“I’m here,” said Gamya. Alyssa span around on one foot, grabbing him by the hand. Gamya was her special, secret friend. He was the same age as her, though he had only appeared a few months ago. He couldn’t go into the house; he lived down here in the cellars.

Alyssa ran off into the wine room, pulling Gamya with her by the hand. Faint patters echoed behind the ancient, empty barrels as rats scurried into their hiding places. Except, they weren’t all rats. Not down here.

In the cellars, there were monsters; evil creatures that would eat her alive if they had the chance. Some looked like beetles, other like lizards, and still more like wasps. Some of them lived alone, while others were in groups. If other people came down here couldn’t see them, just like they couldn’t see Gamya and they couldn’t mean the magic behind the locked door at the end of the long corridor. Alyssa knew about it all though. The adults thought they knew everything, but they only knew boring things about the ‘real world’. Alyssa knew there was more to it than that. There was a whole secret world beyond their understanding. Only she knew about it.

This time, the beetle-like monster was sat on top of one of the barrels. It was about the size of a cat, with a smooth red shell and a dozen legs. Eyes twisted on their stalks to look at her as she came closer.

“That’s a big one,” said Gamya. Alyssa leant forwards to get a better look, but Gamya grabbed her arm gently. “Don’t get too close.”

“What do you think they eat?” asked Alyssa.

“Rats and mice?”

Alyssa gave her friend a shove. “Don’t be silly. They can’t touch them or be seen by them. They’re like you.”

“Maybe they eat smaller monsters?”

Alyssa thought for a moment. “Like the wasp ones?” She scowled. She didn’t like those ones. She didn’t like real wasps either.

The monster in front of them hissed suddenly, spreading the claws on its front legs wide. Gamya stepped in front of her quickly, and Alyssa giggled at his serious face.

“It’s just a little beetle. It won’t do anything to us.”

Gamya shook his head. “One did once. Down in the big empty room. You remember?”

“That was ages ago!” said Alyssa happily. “It was bigger than this one though, and it had big claws like this!”

Alyssa curved her hands into talons and raised her hands over her head. She hissed at the beetle in front of them experimentally, then felt a measure of annoyance when it showed no reaction.

“Can we move away from it?” asked Gamya.

Alyssa gave a pitiless smile. “Are you frightened?”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Alyssa stepped past him, closer to the beetle. It hissed again, louder. Alyssa poked a finger toward the beetle, which scuttled back. She grinned at Gamya.

“See, I’m fine. You worry too much. You look so scared!”

Gamya clenched his fists. The chain wrapped around his wrist tinkled softly. He was holding the sword pendant that hung from it tightly, like he always did when he was worried.

“Gamya, just re-”

“Alyssa!” said Gamya, suddenly leaping forwards.

A hiss behind her. Alyssa twisted, her smile disappearing. Her eyes caught a freeze frame of the pouncing beetle, ten clawed limbs stretched out towards her, blank red eyes staring into her own.

Then a white blur crossed her vision. The beetle, neatly cut in two writhed as it began to dissolve into red mist. It had disappeared before it hit the floor. Gamya’s dagger shrank back down, until he was clutching just the little pendant again. He let go of it, and it swung on its chain harmlessly, a tiny bracelet again.

“See, you don’t worry enough,” he said.

Alyssa giggled, leaping forward to hug him. “I don’t need to. You’ll look after me.”

She felt his arms wrap around her hesitantly. Where most people were warm, Gamya was cool to the touch. It matched with his white hair and pale blue eyes. He was her ice demon. The chill slowed her racing heart back to normal.

“You’ll always look after me,” said Alyssa, pulling back so she could look at him.

He smiled. “Always. It’s why I exist.”

[x_pyrofyre]

I quite like this one actually, its quite good and the characters so far are very interesting. It reminds me of an anime I watched once, it was called Chrono Crusade. Although that aside, I'd like to see what comes next. Definately gripping in my opinion. Good job!

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Sapheron

What do people think of it?

It needs honing and some bits needs rewriting.

Prologue: A Childish Fantasy

Alyssa crept down the stone steps. The cellars, as always, were pitch black, and as the light from the kitchen above faded she snapped on her torch. Using it, she quietly found the chair in the corner and climbed onto it to reach the light switch. A murky twilight overtook the darkness.

With a grin she jumped back down, her feet tapping against the flagstone floor. The cellars were old; unlike most of the house above they had never needed to be maintained or replaced. It was her special, secret playground.

I would rewrite both highlighted sentences. Although the first one isn't repetitive, I found it strange that she goes quiet to get the chair, pull the dangling cord on their ceiling and then tap dancing on the floor. What's the point of using word 'quietly' there?

“Gamya!” she said, as she wandered deeper into the labyrinth. “Gamya, where are you?”

"Gamya," she called her friend as she wandered deeper into the labyrinth made from ... (old furnitures, boxes and other things that was left there by his parents?) ?


Is there a possibility you add some description on her special friend. What does he look like etc?

[Sapheron]

Chrono Crusade? Really?

Anywho, thanks anyway. Being told it's good is always reassuring!

EDIT: Got post jumped.

Cheers. The 'quiet' you highlighted as contradictory was originally supposed to be a 'quick' I think. Good find.

I'll have a look at that other sentence too.

For the description, I hesitate to add more. This is, as titled, a prologue, and there's quite a time skip at the end of this passage. Both Alyssa and Gamya obviously age in this time, and look quite different (five to eighteen means quite a few differences). As such, it seemed a bit of a waste to describe them, only to have to do it again not long after. Do you think I still should?

[x_pyrofyre]

It doesn't remind me of CC in every little way, it was just the idea that Alyssa's a little girl and Gamya is a demon, kind of looking after her in some respects. but really...*eager face* write more! Please...

[Boneman]

Hi Saph, good to see some more of your writing.

Is it aimed at children or YA? If the title of the book is 'A Childish Fantasy', then I'm guessing that it is.....? It's a good take on childhood imagination, with enough to draw us in to doubt: 'well is this all in her mind, or....? We're uncertain if it's reality or fantasy going on, and definitely want to know more.

So, some nitpicks:

Alyssa crept down the stone steps. The cellars, as always, were pitch black, and as the light from the kitchen above faded she snapped on her torch. Using it, she quietly found the chair in the corner and climbed onto it to reach the light switch. A murky twilight overtook the darkness.

Now these are the very first words we're meeting in your book, so I can assume nothing, and pick on everything.... It's an atmospheric opening, stone steps, a pitch-black (note the hyphen between those words) cellar, and as she snaps on a torch I'm placing this in present times. But if you've told us she snapped on the torch, is it necessary to tell us 'using it'? If it's turned on and the cellar is pitch-black (note the hyphen between those words) it's pretty obvious she's using it, no?
And why does a 'murky twilight overtake the darkness'? Where can I get bulbs like that? I think you're trying to deepen the atmosphere, but murky twilight? I think it's the 'twilight' bit that's distracting me (and it's probably just me!) Twilight is a natural light, made up of a fading sun, clouds, darkening blue sky etc, and I'm not sure a lightbulb can do that. I think a murky light could fill the cellar....... and I could understand if it banished the darkness, or pressed it back into the deeper shadows, but not overtaking it.

With a grin she jumped back down, her feet tapping against the flagstone floor.

Erm, a moment ago you went out of your way to tell us that she 'crept' down the stairs, found her way to the chair 'quietly' so why has she thrown this caution to the winds, now the light's on? I can see that you want her to jump lightly, that's why her feet tap against the flagstones, but when you jump from a chair, don't they slap? Or some other word I can't think of right now......I think someone (even a little someone) who landed on her feet with her weight descending would make more than a 'tap' - that's what you do with knuckles on a door, gently, or with one foot, without your weight behind it.....If she didn't want to make ANY noise she'd have climbed down carefully.....

[God I'm in a pedantic mood today, aren't I?]

“Gamya!” she said,

"Gamya!" she called??

Alyssa span around on one foot, grabbing him by the hand.

I always have trouble with span and spun, never know which is present tense and which is past..... But it appears she did the two actions simultaneously, because of the 'grabbing'. I really don't think you need the 'on one foot', and it might read better if it were: Alyssa span round, and grabbed him by the hand.

Gamya was her special, secret friend. He was the same age as her, though he had only appeared a few months ago. He couldn’t go into the house; he lived down here in the cellars.

Remember I said about the doubt in our minds right at the beginning? You're telling too much too quickly right here. Why not leave it to us to make up our minds? Because it's done so much better in the actions later, when Gamya says“One did once. Down in the big empty room. You remember?” And she says "That was ages ago!" Now that is a skilful way of showing us, not telling us, that they've been friends for ages and there's been a little danger. And the clues you feed us along the way, about the wasps, and the beetles and the lizards make us question what's going on. Here you've told us and we know he's an imaginary friend and it's all in her mind. Consider leaving it out, I think the writing would be stronger without it. (See what others say, of course)

Alyssa ran off into the wine room, pulling Gamya with her by the hand. Faint patters echoed behind the ancient, empty barrels as rats scurried into their hiding places. Except, they weren’t all rats. Not down here.

And there. You did it masterfully. Blurred the line between reality (the rats) and fantasy (they're not all rats), and I love the way it's done. Good stuff. And have a think if it might be stronger still if the bit about Gamya was removed......And now we come to a real problem bit. (Actually it's only a problem bit in my reality..........)

In the cellars, there were monsters; evil creatures that would eat her alive if they had the chance. Some looked like beetles, other like lizards, and still more like wasps. Some of them lived alone, while others were in groups. If other people came down here couldn’t see them, just like they couldn’t see Gamya and they couldn’t mean the magic behind the locked door at the end of the long corridor. Alyssa knew about it all though. The adults thought they knew everything, but they only knew boring things about the ‘real world’. Alyssa knew there was more to it than that. There was a whole secret world beyond their understanding. Only she knew about it.

This is a big infodump, and I've been trying to think of a way to turn all this 'telling' into 'showing'. Perhaps if you did something like: Alyssa stepped carefully over the area where the beetle monsters had been, skirting the Lizard monsters that lurked in the shadows, and ducked past the wasp monsters, the ones she hated most.

I know there's a repetition of monsters, but it's a kid's mind and she hasn't got access to a decent thesaurus at the moment. And it still leaves in our minds the fact that this is still just a little girl with a vivid imagination playing in a darkened cellar. And it's going to be so much better when the action hots up in a moment. We really don't need all the stuff about the adults, it's labouring a point, and it threatens to be a lecture to us, the reader.

This time, the beetle-like monster was sat on top of one of the barrels. It was about the size of a cat, with a smooth red shell and a dozen legs. Eyes twisted on their stalks to look at her as she came closer.

“That’s a big one,” said Gamya. Alyssa leant forwards to get a better look, but Gamya grabbed her arm gently. “Don’t get too close.”

You've done it again. Masterfully shown us something through her eyes (and by now we're experiencing a frisson of doubt -or is it really there?) and I love it.

Alyssa gave her friend a shove. “Don’t be silly. They can’t touch them or be seen by them. They’re like you.”

And if you agree with me on the above, then this line should go, as well. 'Telling' again, and you've reduced the possibility that he really is there....

The monster in front of them hissed suddenly, spreading the claws on its front legs wide. Gamya stepped in front of her quickly, and Alyssa giggled at his serious face.

Erm....'its front legs wide'? Can't get my head round that....maybe it's a cricket term, but not here.... I'm not convinced about the suddenly, either, and come to think of it, we know it's in front of them...

[suddenly occurs to me that this is what might be done with children's writing - of which I have little experience except wot I read to my own little ones!]

Oh well, onward. So, whatif this: The monster hissed, its claws scratching (or digging into) the wooden surface of the barrel.

And how can she see Gamya's face if he steps in front of her? She'd see the back of his head, surely?

Alyssa gave a pitiless smile.

No, she's a nice girl, she wouldn't be pitiless!!! I don't like her if she's pitiless (and small children won't understand the word, either!)

A hiss behind her. Alyssa twisted, her smile disappearing. Her eyes caught a freeze frame of the pouncing beetle, ten clawed limbs stretched out towards her, blank red eyes staring into her own.

Wait a minute, she just poked at it, and it scuttled back and now it's behind her?? I didn't see that she turned her back.... and the action is slowed enormously by Alyssa twisted, her smile disappearing. And it's sooo much better without it. And could you change the blank red eyes to blazing red eyes, please? If it has intent to dismember Alyssa, it deserves blazing red eyes.....

She felt his arms wrap around her hesitantly. Where most people were warm, Gamya was cool to the touch. It matched with his white hair and pale blue eyes. He was her ice demon. The chill slowed her racing heart back to normal.

“You’ll always look after me,” said Alyssa, pulling back so she could look at him.

He smiled. “Always. It’s why I exist.”

Now our doubts are really hammering at us, and I think the cold bit is wonderful. It's unexpected (especially the 'hesitancy') and if you meant to do this to focus our attention, then let me tell you, it works!! And it's the first description you've given us of him, and it's so powerful being here at the end. There's not a word about Alyssa's physical description, but I have her firmly fixed in my mind through her actions from her pov. I'm always telling people off for things like: 'he ran his hand through his dark brown hair' and 'he stroked his long pale fingers down his drawn face, the wiry red beard' etc. You've shown how to write a scene where you've given us all the clues and let us make our own minds up. If you can get rid of the 'tellings' and rely on your 'showings' I think IMHO, it will be even better.

Good work.

[x_pyrofyre]

Originally Posted by Boneman

Now our doubts are really hammering at us, and I think the cold bit is wonderful. It's unexpected (especially the 'hesitancy') and if you meant to do this to focus our attention, then let me tell you, it works!! And it's the first description you've given us of him, and it's so powerful being here at the end. There's not a word about Alyssa's physical description, but I have her firmly fixed in my mind through her actions from her pov. I'm always telling people off for things like: 'he ran his hand through his dark brown hair' and 'he stroked his long pale fingers down his drawn face, the wiry red beard' etc. You've shown how to write a scene where you've given us all the clues and let us make our own minds up. If you can get rid of the 'tellings' and rely on your 'showings' I think IMHO, it will be even better.

Good work.

I couldn't agree any more! Its good in my opinion, I love it, it seems like the kind of book I'd make time to sit down and read. It really is awesome. xx

[Sapheron]

Lots of help there Boneman. I'm not entirely sure who it's aimed at myself. If pressed I think I'd have to say YA. 'A Childish Fantasy' isn't the title of the story, just a placeholder I put in because I dislike posting a topic titled 'a prologue'. Should I title my chapters it would probably do for this opening one as well.

I'll probably post an updated version later tonight or tomorrow.

Pyro; thanks for the enthusiasm. I'm afraid you're unlikely to get much more than sporadic pieces of it though. Seeing as you're new around here, you might not know, but if you want a story published (I do, ideally) then it's inadvisable to post more than small extracts online.

[StormFeather]

Originally Posted by Sapheron

Alyssa crept down the stone steps. The cellars, as always, were pitch black, and as the light from the kitchen above faded she snapped on her torch. Using it, she quietly found the chair in the corner and climbed onto it to reach the light switch. A murky twilight overtook the darkness.

With a grin she jumped back down, her feet tapping against the flagstone floor. The cellars were old; unlike most of the house above they had never needed to be maintained or replaced. It was her special, secret playground.

I really liked this, and to me the fact that Alyssa was quiet until the light went on was obvious - a mundane light bulb has extraordinary power to a young mind - it banishes the monsters. Until that light was switched on she didn't feel safe.

Having 2 small one's that won't sleep without the hall light on has 'enlightened' me to the power of the light-bulb!