Any ideas what I do with this??

[Waziwig]

Wrote this flash for another website competition, and while I like is, I don't know what to do with it??! Does the story stop, can it be expanded, do you like the last line? This one has lain on my hard drive, like the last mutant puppy in the petshop, for months. Help!

The Seventeenth Step

Balath’sheva the Priestess sat on the steps of her now empty Temple, and watched the waters rising.

The city was emptied. The God-King had had a hundred bulls sacrificed and beseeched his Father the Sky God, while priests banged drums and the people chanted. But the waters kept rising. Riders came bearing news of more land slowly drowned, the inundation both inexorable and unending.

In desperation, at the plain fact of His disfavour in His Fathers eyes, He sacrificed his second-favourite wife Himself, but all to no avail. By the time the waters had risen as far as the Kings Road, the Royal Court and all the guards and priests had packed up as much wealth as they could carry, and joined the long line of refugees that clogged the roads away from the oncoming tide.

The God King had paused on His progress to speak to Balath’sheva. The fine linens and make-up could not hide His weary resignation, and His anger at the loss of His city. Balath’sheva bowed very low.

‘We appear to have offended your Goddess of the Waters,’ He spat. ‘She may keep the city - for all it is now worth.’

Balath’sheva bowed her head lower and did not say a word.

‘You will stay here though, to pray that the waters do not swallow the whole earth. She is capricious and wild, and now knows no control.’

With that bitter blasphemy, His chariot moved on, as well as the train of over a thousand burdened slaves, and the soldiers, priests and nobles, who all left the city with as much defeated pomp as they could muster.

So Balath’sheva sat on the steps of her now empty Temple, and watched the waters rising. She looked over to the Sky God’s ziggurat, and noticed how the smoke of the fires had gone out. The bazaar was silent save for the lap-lapping of the waters, and the ululations of the priests were replaced by the gulls, which were already moving in on the spires of the city.

And then she noticed something.

She didn’t move until she was sure. The gulls quietened, and the wind turned brisker, but her eyes did not move from the seventeenth step. Only when night fell, when the watermark had remained where it was for an hour, did she get up and walk back into her Temple, to do as her Goddess had commanded.

*

The God-King returned with the smallest of retinues, barely a hundred soldiers and half as much retainers. The Royal fleet had been pressed into grand service, to return Him to His drowned city. The barque was slim enough to wind through the flooded streets, with the oars pulled in and the sailors pushing poles against the walls of the sodden buildings. While His retinue set up a pavilion on the flattened roof of a neighbouring building, His Divine Majesty alighted on the seventeenth step of the Temple of the Goddesses the Waters, and entered alone

Balath’sheva lay dying, on a small pallet she had dragged out before the altar. The dream-sending had proved too much for her, and her limbs were heavy, her breath laboured, and her skin was white and cold. His Divinity kneeled at her side, his eyes full of wonder and incomprehension.

‘You say the Goddess of the Waters ... is My mother?’

Balath’sheva sighed. Trust a man. ‘Yes.’

‘Then why has She cast Me out,’ he begged, incredulous. ‘Why has She broken My kingdom and scattered My people to the four winds? She that claims Motherhood of Me?’ His voice grew louder with each demand, echoing about the Temple walls.

Balath’sheva took a deep breath. Dying certainly gave her the right to speak her mind, though her voice was barely a whisper. ‘They are not your people. This is not your city. This is not your Kingdom. They just ... are. You are their protector, not their owner.’ A wave of dizziness passed over her eyes, and she shook her head. ‘You are granted a place at your Father’s side when you ascend. All this,’ she waved a limp hand at the Temple, the city, the whole world, ‘is nothing.’

His Divine Majesty stood and gazed without the Temple with new eyes. He saw the sky and the waters, and the islands of stone between them. He could hear the arguing among the retainers concerning what His Divinity would like best, and the barking of an abandoned dog, and the liquid drumbeat of the wind-whipped flags and banners along the walls.

This was still a city. It could be rebuilt. It could be a port. It could be a centre of all the trading lanes around, drawing wealth and knowledge, power and influence, which -

-which was, ultimately, nothing.

It had never been His.

‘Besides,’ whispered Balath’sheva, ‘a Boy should always visit his Mother.’

[Asmer20]

I think you can expand it, it sounds like there is more to it than just that bit. What are ululations? I see you can add more to the beginning and end. But if you are satisfied, why don't you get it published in a short story magazine?

[Waziwig]

Ululations are what you gat when you go ulululululululu ...

I don't know if I like the last line, or if its finished, or if its a story at all, or what its about, etc etc etc. I think it annoys the **** out of me, and I don't know why!!

[Waziwig]

Right. -Please disregard last entry

I think the story is off balance - has very little substance - and ends like a wet fart - and yet goes round like the proverbial snake swallowing its tail, so that there's nowhere to add another beat to the story, and besides, what other beat could there be ... ?!

OHMMMMMMMM

[blairWitcher]

I agree with the last reply. lacks substance. didnt find any interesting points. climax is a little offset. Lacks certain "emotional entities".

anyway just try expanding it and maybe, it might work out.

btw pls comment on my work too.

SOULTAKERS and the PRISMS of MADNESS

[Asmer20]

I wanted to add that I would love to dig if you wrote a book. Sounds similar to Elizabeth Haydon. Like you pointed out in my excerpt, you need to work on your weakness, which I think you have figured out, like I need to make scenes come alive, unless I want my book to take place in a void

[Celine]

I think the last line is absolutely brilliant - creepy, perhaps, but brilliant. Could this be the start of a novel (or at least a novella?) - godlike characters fall often in the category of mary sue/gary stue, but not if the others are also (and more experienced) gods.

Just an idea.

[Althain's Warden]

I quite liked parts of it, especially the godking sacrificing his wife (does that make me a bit weird?!) My main question would be this; what's the deal with the seventeenth step?! You mention it several times and its the title of the piece and yet i find no explanation of any significance of this particular step? Also what is it that Belath-Sheva notices? Is the 17th step further on down the stair case? If you tidied up a few loose ends like this and expanded certain concepts like maybe the dream sending? it could grow into something more than it is. Oh and also for me personally i don't really like the last line can't give a real reason i'm sorry to say it just doesn't sit well with me.
Just my opinion, i'd like to see a revised version though !

[HareBrain]

Althain, the seventeenth step (as I understand it) is where the water stops rising.

I liked this piece. That might be because this whole era of mythology really interests me. In a slightly earlier era the king would have sacrificed himself rather than substituting the bulls - maybe that's why the mother goddess was annoyed. I'm not sure what you could do with this as a short story, but I like the setting and would like to see a longer story based on it. I don't see that the main character is actually godlike, btw - he's just a man the same as historical god-kings were (I assume)

[Althain's Warden]

Ah i see Hare, perhaps i was looking for some sort of subtle meaning and thus missed the more obvious one I too like the mythos used however speaking of the bull sacrifice bit-
Wazi- Its being pedantic i know but i would replace
"The god-king had had a hundred bulls sacrificed" with;
The god-king had ordered a hundred bulls to be sacrificed.
I've been told that there is nothing technically wrong with using **** had had *** but to me it always just looks and sounds wrong. There are other ways of saying it better imo.
As i say pedantic but i believe true ! lol

[StormFeather]

Been thinking about this and here are my humble suggestions and questions which might help expand it:

Why didn't his Father step in and stop the suffering? I presume he's a powerful God?

What power does the God King wield? Does he discover new ones now that he's found out about his mother? is he now stronger than either parent as he's a child of two Gods?

He must be angry at the destruction that the Goddess has caused his kingdom, just to give him that message. Does it send him mad with grief/anger? Angry or mad Gods can have lots of fun.

I imagine he'd be unwilling to believe that he's not the owner of everything (I've yet to meet a man or god who would be able to let go of things so easily!) Does he declare war on his mother in his anger?

Answering some of these questions might help to expand the piece

And I like the last line - especially as it could be the spark to his anger!
Hope this helps

[Waziwig]

Thanks all. I think I can see a way through it now. My problem with writting anything is that I don't like cliche, and once a story approaches one, or a cross roads where i have to pick one specific cliche, I stop.

Don't know where I heard it (Radio 4, prob.) but stuff happens in life again and again and again - and we don't question it,. But if something happens more than once in fiction, then its cliche - weird or what!

Since I have a Jobseekers appointment tomorrow, and tons of coursework to finish ... I'll start the rewrite tonight

[HareBrain]

One question: why, when his problems are being caused by water, does he first assume he's fallen out of favour with the Sky God, but then tell the water priestess that he's offended the Water Goddess?

Also, I like the lack of firm evidence as to whether or not these divinities actually exist.

[pyan]

No, no, no!

Don't expand it, don't alter it substantially, and most definitely don't add bits in to explain everything.

All it needs is a little tidying up, one or two grammatic reconciliations and punctuation repairs and it'll do just as it is. It doesn't need expanding. It's one of the purest sf/f shorts I've seen for a long time - if anything, it could be cut to a short-short.

Trust yourself in this, Wazi - I'd bet money that it wrote itself, and you knew exactly where it should finish.

Where to put it? I'd try to place it in one of the pulp monthlies. Polish it up, double-space it, and send it off to Asimov's Science Fiction or similar.


I don't often enthuse over what I see in this thread - but I've been reading this stuff for over forty years, and I know what I'm talking about here...

[Waziwig]

Wow! Thank you.

(wow)

Yes, it did write itself.

(wow!)

What do you mean by reconsiliations?