Stargen Chronicles (Fourth Attempt)

[dustinzgirl]

Well, you certainly don't have to info dump.

For example when Mr. Gray is going off about where they sinned, Stargen could interject--

"On Hebon, we did what we had to do to protect our people. I know-" Stargen said, raising his hand to stop Mr. Gray from commenting again "-that what you did was nothing compared to what I did. But I didn't see you crying about our sins then. No, Gray. I saw you with the blood of children on your hands, taking as much joy from the destruction of those-what was the term you used back then? OH, yeah, those vile semi-human things. And now I come to you for confession, and you've come to blame me for all your choices and end my life. What about your own life, Mr. Gray? What about your sins? Are you prepared to face Hell without the absolution that comes from confession? Because I sure as freak am not."

For an example, anyways, of how to keep up the pace and flow and story from their perspective.

[Blackrook]

That's pretty good. Maybe we should co-author.

[dustinzgirl]

Originally Posted by Blackrook

That's pretty good. Maybe we should co-author.

I'm only good in short spurts, I have no discipline or attention span. Plus, I've got like ten thousand projects going on right now, most of which are not even mine, but I'm always willing to help out when I have the time to so you can always message me.

[Blackrook]

Are you a professional?

[dustinzgirl]

Originally Posted by Blackrook

Are you a professional?

I write web articles and sometimes get to edit e-books and text books freelance. So yeah, I'm a freelance writer, but I don't want to be called a professional, because then I won't like it anymore!

[Blackrook]

I'm sending you a PM.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Originally Posted by Blackrook

Exile

They exiled him to a graveyard of his own making. An entire world of millions, destroyed by his hand. They left him there to die. But he did not die. He lived. His name was Stargen. This is the story of the daythey came back for him, what happened before, and a bit of what happened afterwards. The story continues. We don’t know yet how it will end.

A one-man starship dropped out of warp space and hurled itself downward, its pilot on a reckless course that matched a dangerous mission. Stargen heard it first.(somehow this read like he was the first of many to hear it rather than he became aware of it by hearing it) A distant rumble -- coming in out of the sky -- fast.

Then he felt it. The floor beneath his feet rattled. A tri-vi picture frame fell off the wall and broke. Then he saw it. Blinding light from the engines, white hot, but rapidly cooling to red.

Stargen looked out the bay windows of his sitting room. A starship of an unregistered class was lowering its landing pods on the tarmac outside. He knew the ship, and knew what kind of men and women used it. The Emperor’s elite agents – professional killers. When he was (had been - possibly?) Emperor, Stargen had commanded these agents – they killed for him. Now they killed for his enemies.

Stargen set the Empire of Man Bible down on his reading table, grabbed his cane, and carefully stood up. They had finally come for him. He had waited eleven years for this day, and he was ready.

Stargen walked stiffly across the sitting room and knelt before his home altar, his body aching with the effort. He crossed himself, did an Our Father, an Act of Contrition, and followed up it up with a Hail Mary, just to be sure. It never hurt to have a woman on your side.

Stargen crossed himself again. There was no fear. He was ready.

Stargen had to stand up so he reached for his cane a second time. He hated the damn thing, but they hadn’t given him any rejuvanum. (why the italics? it's your word and it's pretty obvious what it does) He was getting old. Not just advanced in years, but old.

But no more. Stargen would not see another rise of this haunted world’s pale yellow sun.

Stargen checked his pocket watch, a relic from Earth’s 19th century, a gift from a friend he would (had later betrayed?) later betray. Just two minutes before four. How convenient -- perhaps the assassin would join him for tea.

“Adam, set the table for two, we have a visitor,” said Stargen.

“Yes, my Emperor,” said the man-bot (what'swrong with robot). “Your wish is my command.” (or is it a genie of the lamp)

“I told you to stop saying that.”

“Yes you have, 11,897 times, with a mean average of 3.44 times per day since we were exiled to this godforsaken planet. Or rather, you were exiled and I was forced to go along to nursemaid you as you advance into old age and decrepitude.(don't think it works after the your wish is my etc. I like the repartee though not the your wish bit.)

“I should take you to the workshop and pull you apart.”

“Yes, you should. It is certainly my wish that you do so. I have said so 2,238 times since we arrived on this hellhole excuse of a planet.”

Stargen scowled but let it go. There was no point in getting cranky now. Not when it was so close to the end.

The visitor rang the door bell. A polite assassin, thought Stargen, how considerate of them to send a polite assassin.

“Let him in,” said Stargen.

“Yes, my Emperor,” said Adam. “Your wish –“

“Never mind that, just open the damn door.”

“Of course,” said the man-bot, “I exist to serve.”

Adam strolled briskly into the outer hall and opened the front door. A man stood there, dressed in a pearl gray overcoat. In the shadows, below a gray wide-brimmed hat, Adam saw a familiar face. Adam took 13 nanoseconds to process this new information. “You look like the Emperor,” he said, “but obviously you are not.”

“Adam,” said the newcomer, a perfect double for Stargen, “may I come in?” (is it likely that it wold be a double of Stargen if his appearence has changed. Surely it would be a double of how the emporor used to look - remember no visits for 11 years)

“You know my name, so you are obviously not a stranger,” said Adam. “That leaves only one logical possibility. You must be Mr. Gray.”

“Your logic is quirky,” said the man in gray. “I could be anyone. I might have read about you in the Emperor’s file.”

“No intelligent human would believe something simply because it was written in a file,” said Adam. “You know I am Adam, and therefore have met me before. The only man I know who could look so convincingly like the Emperor, and yet not be the Emperor, is Mr. Gray. Accordingly, you must be Mr. Gray.”

“I am Mr. Gray,” said the newcomer, “but I do not need useless backtalk from a man-bot with fried logic circuits. Show me in.”

“Of course, Mr. Gray,” said Adam. “Tea is waiting. However, I will brew you coffee. As I recall, (robots wouldn't recall - they would just know. I would loose the 'As I recall' it stands well without it) you like it black and very, very strong.”

“You recall correctly, but I am not impressed,” said Mr. Gray. “I know you never forget anything. But let me give you a piece of advice. After I am done with what I have come to do, you will forget that I am Mr. Gray. You will forget you ever saw Mr. Gray. You will believe me to be the Emperor. Do not pretend to believe. You must actually believe. If you pretend to believe I will know it. If you know I am Mr. Gray, I will be forced to destroy you.”

Adam was taken aback (not credible Adam considered the threat. Gray was being truthful...) by this threat, but realized that Mr. Gray was telling the truth. He did not really want to be destroyed, despite what he told Stargen. “I will begin working on a program to selectively alter my memory. This will require a shutdown and reboot of all my systems, which will take 4.3 minutes. When shall I begin shutdown?”

“When I shout Sic Semper Tyrannis!”

“That is uncharacteristically dramatic for you Mr. Gray,” said Adam.

“It is a request of my client,” said Mr. Gray.

“Then I assume you are here to assassinate the Emperor?” said Adam.

“You assume too much. It could get you in trouble. Let me in to see him.”

“Yes sir,” said Adam, leading the way to the sitting room.

“If you poison my coffee I will know it,” said Mr. Gray. “I would be forced to destroy you if you poison my coffee.”

“I wouldn’t dream of poisoning your coffee,” protested Adam. “I –“

“Shut up.”

Adam muted his throat vox to make sure he didn’t make the slightest sound. He opened the door for Mr. Gray.

Stargen was waiting at the table, a pot of tea set before him (how did that arrive?). He took one look at his exact likeness (as before couldn't be exact) and smiled, “Mr. Gray, come in.”

“You are even faster on the uptake than Adam,” said Mr. Gray. “Impressive.”

“Only you could look so convincingly like me, Mr. Gray,” said Stargen.

“Only you would sit there so foolishly, when you know how dangerous I am,” said Mr. Gray.

“I am not a fool,” said Stargen. “I am simply ready for what must come. You are not killing me today, you are simply tying up some loose ends.”

“If you are attempting to ease my conscience, don’t bother,” said Mr. Gray. “I don’t have a conscience that needs easing.” (this Mr. Gray is starting to get annoying why not just Gray now we have established it)

“I simply want to let you know that I don’t take it personally,” said Stargen.

“I am not here to kill you,” said Mr. Gray. “I have someone else to kill.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Stargen. “I’m the only one here.”

“Of course you don’t believe me,” said Mr. Gray. “But my client asked me to say it anyway.”

“And who would that be?” asked Stargen.

“I think you know,” said Mr. Gray.

“Her,” said Stargen, a bitter look crossing his face -- but only for a moment.

“Sit down for tea, Mr. Gray,” he said, forcing a smile. “You must be tired after your long journey.”

“Thank you, I will,” said Mr. Gray. “But I will have coffee, as always.”

“Of course,” said Stargen. “I have never seen you drink tea in any of your disguises.”

“An Achilles’ Heel of mine,” said Mr. Gray, “it almost cost me my life on Hun Wat.”

“And Mars,” said Stargen.

“Don’t remind me of Mars,” said Mr. Gray, “our first mission. We were so young, so naive.”

“Yes, we had to grow up fast on Mars,” said Stargen.

“Altar boys transformed into assassins,” said Mr. Gray. “Now look at us.”

“You became Mr. Gray – the legend.”

“You became Stargen – master of all he sees. Like the turtle.”

“Not any more,” said Stargen. “She saw to that. And you took her side.”

“It had to be done, Stargen. Things were out of control.”

“Is that how you justify yourself?”

“You were standing on too many turtles, Stargen. It was either you or them. I chose them.”

“So how are things in my absence?” asked Stargen.

“Eleven years of peace and plenty under the wise rule of your eldest son Cleto.”

“Cleto is many things, but wise isn’t one of them,” said Stargen, snarling with contempt. “He’s too busy chasing girls and flying fast air cars (air cars seem a bit dated) to bother with affairs of state. His younger brother, Calamus, has ambition. Now there’s a man who would make a good Emperor.”

“Emperor Cleto has his mother to assist him in making wise decisions,” said Mr. Gray diplomatically. (this blokes not a diplomat and no is going to tell tales sarcastically might be better)

“Of course,” Stargen snorted. “And she lets those jackals in the Senate run the show. I understand. That’s democracy!”

“You should have listened to her,” said Mr. Gray. “You would still be Emperor if you had listened.”

“I would be a figurehead Emperor if I listened to her,” said Stargen, “just like her father was a figurehead king. No thanks. I’d rather be in exile.”

Mr. Gray checked his chronometer. He had a schedule to keep and wanted to wrap up the conversation.

“Stargen, we need to get down to business,” he said.

“Yes, let’s get down to business,” said Stargen. “How do you plan to kill me?”

Mr. Gray started to say something, but stopped when he heard a discreet knock at the door. Adam walked in with Mr. Gray’s coffee, placed it on the table and walked out, all without his usual sarcasm. Man-bots don’t know fear, but they do put a high value on self-preservation. Adam was calculating the odds of his surviving this evening with Mr. Gray. He did not like the result of his calculations.

Adam left the sitting room and closed the door behind him. Stargen sipped his tea. Mr. Gray drank his coffee. “It’s been a very long time since we were in the Academy,” said Stargen.

“Yes, it has,” said Mr. Gray.

“I am probably the last man alive who remembers who you were before you became Mr. Gray,” said Stargen.

“Yes, that is true,” said Mr. Gray. “I have made sure of it.” He didn’t like where conversation was going.

“And we sanitized your records long ago, so I am probably the only man who knows what you did before you became Mr. Gray.”

“What’s your point?” asked Mr. Gray. Stargen was going deep into dangerous territory.

“Before you kill me, I need a favor from you,” said Stargen.

“What?”

“I want you to hear my confession.”

Got me hooked but it was a bit long.

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by Blackrook

I would like to know what HareBrain meant when he said my story was "quirky".

I suppose Adam (who I liked, I don't think you should get rid of him), and the fact that the two men have a precisely worded conversational exchange when one is there to kill the other. Also, there's not much feeling that you want to immerse us in this world; it reads like a short story, where you're trying to squeeze it within a word limit.

Like many shorts, it also feels like it might have a satirical point. Partly this might be the names - Adam, Stargen and Mr Gray all feel like ciphers, though they work.

"Quirky" probably wasn't the best word, but I hope that explains why i used it.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Originally Posted by HareBrain

I suppose Adam (who I liked, I don't think you should get rid of him), and the fact that the two men have a precisely worded conversational exchange when one is there to kill the other. Also, there's not much feeling that you want to immerse us in this world; it reads like a short story, where you're trying to squeeze it within a word limit.

Like many shorts, it also feels like it might have a satirical point. Partly this might be the names - Adam, Stargen and Mr Gray all feel like ciphers, though they work.

"Quirky" probably wasn't the best word, but I hope that explains why i used it.

I didn't have any problems with the concept of the conversation bewtween the the two men. I imagine this happens a lot in execution cases. Certainly in the past it was good practise to be civil to your executioner and I imagine that nothing has changed.

[Balloy]

I really like your approach. By quirky I think Harebrain means it's almost funny - line by line, in dialogue and in the image I get when reading it (the characters' poses, facial expressions etc).

I agree with the multiple use of starting the sentences with Stargen near the beginning, it get's a little repetitive and made me wonder if it was done intenionally as a 'quirk'.

I think Adam is great too, leave him in exactly how he is in my opinoin.

Clarification on the killings I would expect to discover later on in the story, though I agree with dustingirlz question on why Stargen wants to give his confession (maybe this is a ruse in order to distract Mr Gray in order to kill him first, who knows) but as it is (even though a priest may want to confess) it seems a bit much after all the nasty stuff he's done.

Gramatically it's good, and there's no pointless diatribe in my opinion. Well done.

All just my opinion, I'm new at this so can't really claim to know much

Best of luck

[Boneman]

Blackrook, good to see some of your work here. I think the critiquing has been done pretty well, but can I just say I really liked it? The tonality (for want of a better word) resonates well with me, and I also like the little humourous asides that show us Stargen's personality quirks. One thing, that piqued my curiosity: for long sections in the dialogue there's not a 'said' 'replied' etc in sight, but then suddenly they all crowd in. I followed the dialogue really easily (ok it's easy because there's only two of 'em in the room!) but I just wondered why that happened? Has someone already mentioned this. Let me look back and see....... Hmm, don't see it on this thread, and can't back out and read the others without losing this text. Ignore me if it's already been done and dusted!

[Blackrook]

I am glad to see the positive reaction. I agree the first paragraph which has too many "Stargens". That was actually a later edit. It was probably better as I first wrote it. I will change it back to the way it was.

As HareBrain suspects, the names have meaning, but it would spoil it to tell you more.

I am encouraged to post Chapter One, which you will find to be very different.

[Blackrook]

I will also shorten the prologue, since I now have two who have said it was too long. Either that, or I will make it more interesting so you don't mind how long it is.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Blackrook:

When I said it was long I meant it was a long post to critique hence I stopped after the first dollop. As a piece the length was fine.

Boneman:

If you want to see a post that isn't on the page of posts you're viewing just right click on the page in the list in the (Page x of y < a|b|c|d |>| \/) link just above this window and click on open in a new window.

The other alternative is to right click on post window (the text you're writing) and click on select all. Then Right click again on the highlighted text and click copy > sends it to the clipboard. Then if you loose the page you can always paste it back (right click and then paste)

I always do the above when a post gets any length just in case you time out or accidentally change pages.

[dustinzgirl]

Generally people on the Internet have short attention spans. This isn't just for this critique site but all over the Internet. Its different than reading a magazine or book or newspaper. I wonder why that is? Hmm....mabye that will be my doctoral thesis in a few years when I get there?

But, basically if its longer than 1000 words, people will just skim for whatever sticks out when it is online.