Whisper My Name

[sloweye]

“Tony, my man! Good to hear you again, this is John Balfour down in technical support. Look, I’m really sorry to bother you but there was a bit of an incident down in the employee’s car park and, basically, two meat jobs have ended up on the tarmac. I know you’ll have contacted the Police already, and my additional call to them will have just filled in a few details, but I think we can expect a visit from PC Plod in the near future. In the meantime, can I ask a big, big favour and get you to put out a few cones round the bodies?”

I would change this to 'Meat heads' but thats just an opinion.

I met them outside the lifts and took them to the hospitality suite; subdued lighting, soft furnishings, pot plants – which were far more convivial surroundings than my cramped work station, and at least you didn’t have to move a bundle of manuals, software and indeterminate PC parts off of a chair every time you wanted a seat. My guests were both in heavy overcoats over protective vests and came over almost as father-and-son. They introduced themselves as Detective Sergeant Loudon – middle aged, care-worn face, crumpled suit – and Detective Constable Perry – lanky, ache-ridden and obviously aping the mannerisms of the older officer. Once we were seated I tried a modest charm offensive.

“Thank you for responding so quickly, officers, and while you are here may I offer you some refreshments? Tea, coffee, something stronger, although I appreciate you are still on duty?”

Loudon glanced at his watch.

“I’ll take a whiskey, ice if you have it, he’ll have a coke.”

I pillaged the minibar and joined them with a Stella. The sergeant fished out a real, paper notebook while Perry had a more traditional hand-held. Loudon downed his drink in a oner and flipped through a few pages of notes.

“Right, sir, we’ve traced the two pleasure bodies downstairs to a local rental parlour. The hire was in the name of ‘Donald Thompson’, with an address in Inverness. Does that name seem at all familiar, you both being Scottish, an all?”

I gave him my best rueful smile.

“I’m sorry Sergeant, doesn’t ring any bells. Inverness wasn’t one of my old haunts when I lived ‘up north’, and I’ve been down here several years now. Perhaps our paths crossed at university – do you have anything else to go on?”

“Well, we’ve referred it to our ‘Scottish Brethren’ for further investigation, but these cross-border requests take a bit longer these days. Could well be a case of identity fraud anyway, in which case this will go to Data Division and I’ll be drawing a pension before those lazy sods reply.”

Can i ask when this is set?
its just a D.S. & a D.C. in stab vests dosent sound right as the drinking on duty thing would set my mind in to 1970's time period.

But apart from these little bits i really enjoyed it again.

[Boneman]

At last, something to nitpick!!! This writing is so damn good that it feels like a real victory of the highest magnitude to find something.....

and Detective Constable Perry – lanky, ache-ridden and obviously aping the mannerisms of the older officer.

That must be 'acne-ridden' surely? High fives all round.......

Reiver, in all seriousness, I think you ought to consider not putting any more up. I'm sure you've read the guidelines, and it does talk about publishers not being keen on taking on a project that's already been in the public domain, so to speak. Anyone can view these forums, and it would be a real shame if your work suffered because of this. Personally and selfishly, I want to read more and more, but I also want to see this book in print, it's where it deserves to be: I'd put it alongside Neil Gaiman if you can keep it up for a whole book, and I've bought all his books just because he's the author. Maybe pick those you like and PM them if you want critiques. As I (sort of)said earlier, there's damn-all to critique, anyway!!

Damn fine work.....

I’m sure the boys in blue will get a bit narked if the cleaning crew try and tidy thing up down there

'things'???

[MistingWolf]

I believe it's "whaling" on the bodywork. Really nice!

Wow, only 27 rings? Whoa ^^;

I met them outside the lifts and took them to the hospitality suite; subdued lighting, soft furnishings, pot plants –

Pot plants, like for drugs, or potted plants?

My guests were both in heavy overcoats over protective vests and came over almost as father-and-son.

It took me a bit to understand this. "...overcoats over protective vests..." That's what threw me, and the end about the father-and-son thing. Perhaps change the sentence around a little? My suggestion: "My guests, who were both wearing protective vests beneath heavy overcoats, came across as though they were father and son." My own edit might need some work, but I can personally understand it better, if this is what you meant.

Overall, aside from some minor grammatical flaws, it was a great read, and the end was funny ^^ I hope to read more, though I agree with Boneman. Yet, I'm being hypocritical since my own work is posted up at a different site, though I'm planning to have it removed once I'm ready for publishing. If there's a way I could read more, say through email or something of that sort, it'd be great. I really like how this is going.

[dreir]

Originally Posted by Boneman

'things'???

Lol.. Good job, Bman!

And Wolfy I believe 'waling vs whaling' has been explained in an earlier post.

Reiver's said somewhere that he writes just for fun and never wants to send in his stories to the publishers. Wouldn't that be a real shame? Let's all badger him and try to persuade him otherwise. And make him stop posting his stories here. I'm willing to make that sacrifice if it means him getting published.

- Dreir -

[Boneman]

By Mistingwolf

Yet, I'm being hypocritical since my own work is posted up at a different site, though I'm planning to have it removed once I'm ready for publishing.

And it's a damn good read.... the difference is that you control that site, Misti, but once they're up here on the chrons, they stay here. Although a mod might say different?

Maybe you should take advice Reiver, I might be being (be being??) over-protective, but with writing this good, it's not worth taking the chance IMHO. Sorry to slightly hijack the thread, but there's still so damn little critiquing to do!!!!

By Dreir[quote]Reiver's said somewhere that he writes just for fun and never wants to send in his stories to the publishers. Wouldn't that be a real shame? Let's all badger him and try to persuade him otherwise. And make him stop posting his stories here.[/QUOTE]

Ah, didn't know that.....in that case I could steal all his work and have it published under my name....oops, did I say that out loud? The ideas he has are just so original, and written so well that it would be a crime if another (less talented) writer stole those ideas and got somewhere with them. Just do it, Reiver!!!

[Blackrook]

I have to say, this is all very entertaining. At some point, though, you're going to have to slow down and explain what's going on.

[reiver33]

Hi all,

Well, I'm not quite sure how to take some of this. The grammatical 'onslaught' is fine - if I actually took some time to review what I write I'd 'probably' have picked them up as well. I don't write from notes or a composed plot line, more a 'need to get the story arc from here to there' kind of approach. As I purposely limit each segment to 2-3 screens of text within Word I frequently have to hack out or avoid a lot of extranious detail, so I realise that I can come across a bit fast-paced.

Incidently I'll have to steal the Alfa not starting line if/when I get round to revising this as it made me laugh, although it may be lost on non-petrolheads (I don't drive but I'm a fan of Top Gear).

In terms of addressing a few points; this is a 'near future' piece, hence the synthetic bodies you can rent to enjoy a night out from the safety of your own home. The DS boozing on duty?, well let me just say I know a couple of ex-Policemen...I've always called potted plants 'pot plants', must just be the local idiom.

As I said to Boneman, I'm not sure what to do now as I lack faith in my own self-critiquing (is that a word?) to conciously write for publication. And anyway, you haven't met Nikky yet (slashed-up ex-prostitute ex-girlfriend), Ryan (full-blown vampire with a nice line in motors) or even Father Rembrant (you can trust him, honestly)...

[sloweye]

ah, i see. just when i think of drinking on duty i think 70's. and its alittle unusual to see a plain clothed officer in a stabvest.

[reiver33]

Three

I think it’s the side-effects of the inhaler, or the aversion therapy or maybe just plain old Catholic guilt, but I have real problems focusing on the very idea of human blood. Even when I do, it’s like a mental dead-end and I seem unable to make the right connections, intuitive or otherwise. Of course I knew those two clowns had been throwing blood-bags about, it’s just I’d blanked that part of the episode and done nothing to get the stains cleaned up.

Tricky.

“Ah, well, officer, of course I’ve given it some thought, given the unusual nature of the attack. Not your usual mugging, I grant you, not that I’ve ever been mugged though, no criminal record either. Well, anyway, I’ve though about it, as I said, and actually I think I brought this on myself.”

“Oh, how so, sir?”

“Ah, I’ve been wearing a fur coat, a gent’s coat, to work recently. That really cold spell we had recently and my car heater is on the blink again. I don’t flaunt it or anything like that but my guess is my two attackers were animal rights activists out to trash the coat and teach me a lesson. Little better than eco-terrorists if you ask me.”

I could see the scepticism in Loudon’s eyes as his gaze took in my cheap suit and cheaper shoes whereas Perry, who up to this point had been pecking away industriously at his hand-held, looked up with a frown.

“I’m sorry sir, but I don’t see anything of that nature in your Additions file. Are you admitting to the ownership of an unlicensed garment which falls under the Immoral Trade Act? If so we’ll have to continue the rest of this conversation under Caution.”

“No, no, constable, it’s OK, really. It’s an old coat, vintage, my great-grandfather brought it back from Russia, the Soviet Union as was. There was a matching hat but some dog trashed it years ago – it’s like a family heirloom, not really my thing at all.”

The DS looked at me hard for a moment, but it was the early hours and he was obviously tired. He pulled at his nose and rubbed his eyes, stirring himself from the soft depths of the armchair.

“Right, sir, leave it with us. If there are any development someone will be in touch, and thanks for your cooperation. Perry?”

The hand-held spewed out a small chit which the DC handed it to me.

“Our contact numbers and case reference. If you think of anything else which might be of use then please let us know directly or though the Police website.”

I murmured some inane pleasantries and ushered them back to the lifts, then sloped off to my uterine cubby-hole. Once back in the blue I loaded up the network patch which allowed access to the internet without leaving any trace – it’s not exactly a recognised perk but if there were a trade union just for night shift support it would be number one on our list of conditions. I mean, HanaMed has a T7 link capacity that’s just begging for abuse, and it would be a shame to see it go underused.

Although I’m not a hacker, cracker or internet woodentop I’ve managed to ‘acquire’ some software that allows me to surf with a fair degree of anonymity; nothing that would cause GovNet or the military any problems but enough to blank Mr Average. I tried to chase down some Hunter websites to see if my name had popped up on any watch lists, but those guys are right up there with pedos when it comes to closed-shop security and all I got was some warnings about my search being tagged.

Basically I had to assume a worst case scenario and that I was now a ‘person of interest’ for those nut-jobs who hunt vampires for fun and profit. OK, so I’m being a bit harsh and I know most of those they take down are abominations in the Sight of God, but I really didn’t need the extra grief just at the moment. Nikky walking out on me like that had left me feeling initially numb, and now that I was starting to think, to hurt, I had come to the unpleasant conclusion that it was her who had shopped me.

Nikky, well Nikky was just – wonderful; a curvy brunette who looked like a young Stephanie Beacham and I was hooked from the first time I saw her at Café Berlin. She worked as a lap dancer there with a sideline in escorting until some punter left half her face in the gutter. The Police ‘investigation’ went nowhere and although I was known as a friend and one of her regulars the other girls couldn’t help me find the guy responsible. The facial scarring put paid to her career in ‘entertainment’ as she wasn’t prepared to go down-market or get into fetish work, so she accepted my offer of support when eventually discharged from hospital. She moved into my flat and I made the classic error of mistaking gratitude for genuine affection, and assumed the sex meant more to her than just a convenient way of paying me rent.

You can convince yourself of just about anything, if you want it bad enough.

Not an original tale, but I managed to add my own unique twist by telling her, showing her, what I really was. I was drunk and convinced that we could have a future together, just like my own mum and dad, and, yes, OK, her new face meant she wouldn’t be marrying any pretty-boy footballers anytime soon. Maybe I even said something along those lines but it all made perfect sense at the time.

Just to me though, as it turned out.

When she grabbed her coat and turned to leave there was this little voice whispering in my head; bite her, taste her blood – become as nature intended - turn her as well and you can spend eternity together. I stared into The Abyss and on that occasion had the strength not to leap, but I’m not sure I could do so again.

- - - - -

Back in the real world, time passed.

Slowly.

My headache subsided to a background throb that reminded me of the Punk soundtrack that used to emanate from the squat above my flat. They cleared out after one of their number took a header out the window wrapped in tinfoil and since then it had been home to two intense looking young men I thought might be Mormons. They always wore shiny suits and looked at me a bit askance when we passed on the stairs – plus they had treated Nikky like the proverbial Whore of Babylon.

Maybe not such a bad judge of character after all.

Eventually the Saturday morning day shift dragged themselves in; Billy Bones was plainly off his face on recreational pharmaceuticals and Big Paul was still pissed, so no change there then. Still, it wasn’t my problem and I signed over with a feeling of relief before plodding down the stairs to the car park as the lifts were down for maintenance.

The irregular lighting down there mainly serves to define the shadows rather than provide any consistent illumination, and although you might think this would be my natural environment it just felt wrong from the moment I stepped through the firedoor. I had my gun out, held down by my side, as I moved from pillar to pillar, pausing at each one to check for something out of place. I have exceptional night vision and really good hearing but all I was aware of were innocuous street sounds filtering down the access ramp. Eventually I sidled up to the bay where the Alfa Romeo was parked, switching the gun to my left hand while fumbling for the keys in my jacket pocket.

My car was trashed.

[Michael01]

Good. I like it enough to do a line-by-line, but I'm tired - and now my mouse is acting up, even though I cleaned it. I'll just leave with how much I enjoyed it, which was very much. Keep it up!

[Blackrook]

How does a guy who wears a cheap suit and works in a cubby-hole afford an Alfa Romeo?

[Boneman]

By Blackrook

How does a guy who wears a cheap suit and works in a cubby-hole afford an Alfa Romeo?

Blackrook, you need to come to England....... there are loads of them on the streets.....rotting mostly, or waiting for the breakdown van. You're not anywhere near Carson City are you?

So, Reiver.......you're at it again, not leaving us much to do. but:

Well, anyway, I’ve though about it, as I said

I do this all the time as well: it's 'thought'........

Also, if they're just eco-terrorists, isn't it a bit over the top to shoot them? Or did he realise they were meat heads straight away? Maybe he could mention the sharpened pick axes and say he didn't want to take a chance?? Nah, better if he knew straight off that they were meat heads, than it's allowable to use extreme force, I guess.

Looks like you've got loads more planned in this story. Whilst I can't wait, I still feel I should, and you should stop posting...... you know that by now, anyway.

[dreir]

Originally Posted by reiver33

As I said to Boneman, I'm not sure what to do now as I lack faith in my own self-critiquing (is that a word?) to conciously write for publication.

Send the first few bits of this story (or any of yours, really) to some agents, along with an outline of the story arc, and ask them in the letter if they'd like to represent you. A similar forum to this one, called Absolute Write (or usually just called AW) have quite a number of agents and editors trawling it, I think, so you can try your luck over there. Just admit to them that you're not very good at self-critiquing/editing so that they know what they're in for (i.e. so they can help you in that department), but apart from that little problem, I'm sure many of them would love to be working with you. You're fresh and different, and that's what they all really want.

I'm no expert at publishing here, but I think all your stories need is exposure to the right people.

- Dreir -

[HareBrain]

I agree your stuff should be published, but I think maybe a bit more caution. I wouldn't approach anyone until you've finished a novel, put it aside for a bit, reread it, made sure you're happy with it, had the first chapter read by a good proofreader, etc - there are so few SFF agents around that you don't want to waste your shots lighting the powder while the ball's still halfway down the muzzle.

But as for consciously writing for publication, don't. Just write with the same attitude you've shown with the work you've posted on here.

[dreir]

Yeah, sorry, didn't mean that you should do it now.. more in the vein of what HB said. And I agree that no attitude adjustment is required

- Dreir -