Darius Blood: Introduction

[blairWitcher]

yes english is a my second language. My first language is Tagalog (Official Language of the Philippines) but I prefer to write in English since it's a universal language. Im a half and half. My dad's from the U.S. and my mother's a Filipina. I was born and raised by my mother here in the philippines bcoz my dad's got another family in the states. He visits us every christmass and halloween though and provides us financial support for our needs although we could stand by ourselves all alone. I wish he could be a more father figure to me but, as the saying goes, you can't have everything that you ask for in this life...

[Michael01]

Originally Posted by blairWitcher

I was born and raised by my mother here in the philippines bcoz my dad's got another family in the states.

That actually sounds a bit rough. I'm glad he does at least come to visit.

And my son probably wishes I provided more financial support...

Okay. If you prefer to write in English, then you'll definitely need to work on it. But I get the impression that you're still fairly young. Is that right? If so, it's my opinion that it's the best time to start writing anyway.

I do wonder sometimes how such a mixed up language got to be the most commonly spoken language in the world ... hmm.

[blairWitcher]

I dunno either Mr. Michael.

I'm currently writing the first part of the story and I have some questions that I wish to ask you:

1. should I start immediately on describing the main characters basic profile(like describing how he lives, his parents, his bestfriend) or should I start with a scene that emphasizes on the characters feelings like this:

"I really wished it was still summer. I never really liked Highschool anyway, not the kind of way it runs here, and if not for my parents and for my bestfriend Kyrie, I would've ditched it completely. Kyrie was and the only friend I had since kindergarten. She was also the only girl that wasn't "allergic" to my "loser virus". most seniors in my school, well, are jerks; especially Terry Bode and his good - for - nothing gang of misfits and bullies. It puzzles me sometimes: why would girls prefer guys who look stupid, act stupid and ARE really stupid?

something like that...

2.If you where me, How would you try to describe Jake?

thats all for now

[chrispenycate]

Oh, bother. See how long I take critiquing?

Jake... dont... leave.... me....
This were the last words she whispered to

into?

my ear before blood sputtered out of her mouth and the last puff of breathe left her cold, blood drenched body. In not more than a minute, Kyrie,

no capital "M"

My beloved Kyrie,the only

No need for " only" and "than anyone". "the one who has meant more to me than anyone"?

one that has meant to me more than anyone in this world including myself, the very reason that I was ready to give up my life fighting a hundred vampires in order to

don't need both "reason" and "in order to"

protect, is now a lifeless, cold mannequin lying in my arms.

You've gone into present tense (which is fine) but your next paragraph goes back into past tense.

At that very moment time stopped from

don't need "from"

its unending flow. Everything seemed to fade to nothingness; the noise, the sight of death and destruction, the torn pillars and devastated walls... everything except the lifeless

comma

cold body of my Kyrie and the sight of crimson blood splattered all over her chest and dripping from her lips. Her deep blue eyes show no signs of fear or error

is that "terror"? In which case it's unnecessary. And "despair to live"? it might be "desire", I suppose

or despair to live,

full stop

instead, it is filled with sadness, deep sadness of being unable to fulfill a promise to someone whom you cherished. Her once beating heart had stopped beating

could we eliminate the repetition of "beating"?

and her throbbing nerves and veins had ceased to function. Reality struck like bitter lightning into the very depths of my soul, striking me with the awful truth,

that

try as I might to ignore

it

, had already set its place... My Kyrie is gone... forever....



“NOOOO!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as angry tears, tears of hate and misery, tears of despair and sorrow swelled upon my very eyes and into the darkest depths of my soul. Why, I asked myself as i carried her lifeless body from the ground, Why did she have to die? Why did she sacrificed

"had she sacrificed" or "did she sacrifice"

herself and took

taken

that blow? Why, even with this ungodly power I possess, was

"had I been"

unable to protect and save her from the clutches of death? “WHYYY!” I shouted once again, a failing battle cry of a warrior that

who

had failed on something that had been precious to him more than life itself. I failed the one I really wished to save...



“You are weak monsieur Alcain! Too weak too even save your beloved Kyrie from death itself!”, said a sinister, mocking voice behind me. “I despise you!”, It shouted cruelly, “Your weakness have

has

proved you worthlessness for such things as love, Daywalker, you are only fit to die! Just like that poor girl!”

Saying this mockery, my adversary laughed, a mocking laughter far colder than the blade of the sword he carries;piercing through the inner depths of my existence. It was my fault, I was too weak and loving; to

too

compassionate and caring that I cant get myself to kill in order to protect those dear to me. I was too late... too late for regrets... to late to change the inevitable...


“YOU CAN'T CHOOSE BOTH SIDES ALWAYS.

does that "always" belong in that sentence? If so, perhaps "You can't always choose both sides"?

REMEMBER THAT OR REGRET LATER”
Amelia said that to me once... back at the manor... I was a fool to have ignored her words....

Wiping the tears in my eyes, I walked a little distance away from where I was

do you need that "from where I was"?

and settled Kyrie's body on the foot of a shattered, torn column. As I placed her body to her final resting place, I closed her eyes and whispered to her, “I am sorry. Please... forgive me... Kyrie....”With this

these

final words, I turned back from her, facing the monster that had taken her life, taken everything and everyone that had meant all the world to mead.... Mom.... and ... Kyrie....

Without another word, I took DarkHunter from its holster on my waist and rushed, at fullspeed towards the dark abomination in front of me; my eyes bearing the color of blood that shall flow to the earth any moment from now on. I swear.. I wont

won't

rest... I shall kill him....

Well what do you guys think?

[blairWitcher]

I'm sorry mr. chrispenycate. I hope you are not mad at me for that request. I know Im bothering and taking some of your precious time and I'm very sorry for that. I know you got a lot of things to worry yourself about.... Im really sorry...

dont worry I'll never ditch my english class again and I'll never ever forget proper sentence construction and tenses.

[Michael01]

Ah, slow down now, Blair. There's no need to apologize so much. I get the feeling Chris likes doing some critiquing here and there anyway, otherwise he probably wouldn't bother. It does take time, which is why I couldn't finish what I started myself earlier. I don't know about Chris, but I thought it might be best just to try to show you what you need to look for yourself, rather than correcting everything.

To answer your questions, these are things I'm still learning myself and I struggle with them every day. I received a critique this morning on AW where the poster felt the narrative of my first chapter was "too detached" and didn't have "enough emotion." This is why I said that writing is the easy part.

There are others here who might give you a better idea of what you need to do, but I'll give it a shot.

Originally Posted by blairWitcher

I dunno either Mr. Michael.

I'm currently writing the first part of the story and I have some questions that I wish to ask you:

1. should I start immediately on describing the main characters basic profile(like describing how he lives, his parents, his bestfriend) or should I start with a scene that emphasizes on the characters feelings like this:

"I really wished it was still summer. I never really liked Highschool anyway, not the kind of way it runs here, and if not for my parents and for my bestfriend Kyrie, I would've ditched it completely. Kyrie was and the only friend I had since kindergarten. She was also the only girl that wasn't "allergic" to my "loser virus". most seniors in my school, well, are jerks; especially Terry Bode and his good - for - nothing gang of misfits and bullies. It puzzles me sometimes: why would girls prefer guys who look stupid, act stupid and ARE really stupid?

I suppose it's best to start with the more emotional scene. Personally, I like the way you began with this paragraph. It drew me in effectively and I felt like I'd want to learn more about this character, but let me show you how you could at least improve the writing (if not the storytelling):

Originally Posted by blairWitcher

I wished it was still summer. I never liked high school anyway, not the way it was here. If not for my parents and my bestfriend Kyrie, I would have ditched it long ago. Kyrie was the only friend I had since kindergarten - and the only girl I knew who was immune to my "loser virus". Most seniors in my school ... well, they were jerks - especially Terry Bode and his good-for-nothing gang of bullies.

It puzzles me sometimes. Why would girls prefer guys who look stupid, act stupid and really ARE stupid?

This isn't the best edit, but I hope it helps you to see how you might start to clean up your work a bit.

I don't like following a comma with "well." That may just be personal taste, though.

Also, we often use the single dashes with spaces around them ( - ) in the forum posts to represent the double double dash (with no spaces), because they tend to get broken if they're at the end of line. In "good-for-nothing" you don't need the spaces, nor will you need them in the original word processing document (where the double dash is the correct form and the program should automatically format it into a single long dash).

Semi-colons are used to separate two connected ideas that would be complete sentences on their own. You have the connection, but "especially Terry Bode and his good-for-nothing gang of misfits and bullies" is a fragment that could not stand on its own.

I didn't like the use of the colon in the last sentence, either. Again, that may be personal taste, but I thought it worked better as two separate sentences.

You're also still slipping between past and present tense. You'll need to watch that; however, it's probably best to write first, then go back later to look for these errors (some of which occur even in the most seasoned writer's work).

There are other things that I marked in red in your original paragraph. Look at them, compare it to the way I rewrote it, think about what they mean and what you need to do to improve your own writing.

EDIT: Sorry, nevermind. I think past tense is the convention either way, right?

Originally Posted by blairWitcher

2.If you where me, How would you try to describe Jake?

I probably wouldn't, except for a few cues here and there (especially since it's written from Jake's POV) - which may be something on which I need to work. As I said, I'm still struggling with a lot of this myself, and I've been writing most of my life (I started around 12 or 13 and I'm 42 now).

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by blairWitcher

I'm sorry mr. chrispenycate. I hope you are not mad at me for that request. I know Im bothering and taking some of your precious time and I'm very sorry for that. I know you got a lot of things to worry yourself about.... Im really sorry...

dont worry I'll never ditch my english class again and I'll never ever forget proper sentence construction and tenses.

Hey, nobody twists my arm to critique I have actually upset one or two by shooting holes in their grammar rather than what they considered important.

But grammar is something I can do, whilst style and pace I'm not that hot on; so if I can help somebody there, so much the better.

[Michael01]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

But grammar is something I can do, whilst style and pace I'm not that hot on; so if I can help somebody there, so much the better.

I'm with you there, Chris. And it probably helps to have more than one person go over a single piece too, since they would all see something the others didn't.

[blairWitcher]

to tell you guys the truth, I really like the way you two, Mr. Michael01 and Mr. Chrispenycate, critique because I learn so much from all those corrections and suggestions that you gave.
I don't know about the others, but I admit to myself that I'm not a very good storywriter yet and the reason why I joined this forum is to find and befriend people who are BETTER from me, learn from what they have to share, and apply it to myself so that i could become, not only a better writer, but a better person.
I asked for an apology to Mr. Chrispenycate last time because I thought that I am taking to much of his time just to critique my work and, probably, I'm bothering him so much.
As I have said earlier to mr. MICHAEL01, I'm not talented in the arts and rules of writing in English. what I have in me is simply my imagination and the will to learn from people who are willing to impart to me the skill and knowledge that they have

[Michael01]

Hehheh. I'm the type that doesn't believe in "talent" anyway. I believe in skills that we learn as we grow, which means it's at least possible for anyone to learn them (but doesn't mean they will).

I think learning to write is a lot like learning foreign languages: The best time to learn them is when you're young. I've heard the argument that some people spend their entire lives learning but still never write a good story. I don't believe it. If a person develops an aptitude for writing when they're young and keep working on it, sooner or later they'll get it right.

[blairWitcher]

Ok so I have made the necessary corrections on the introduction and had proceeded with the first part of chapter one. Thanks to mr.Michael01 and Chrispenycate for their corrections..

INTRODUCTION:

HER LAST WHISPER...

"Jake... dont... leave.... me...."

This were the last words she whispered into my ear before blood sputtered out of her mouth and the last puff of breath left her cold, blood drenched body. In not more than a minute, Kyrie, my beloved Kyrie,the one that has meant to me than anyone in this world including myself, that I was ready to give up my life fighting a hundred vampires to protect, is now a lifeless, cold mannequin lying in my arms.

At that moment, time stopped its unending flow. Everything seemed to fade to nothingness; the noise, the sight of death and destruction, the torn pillars and devastated walls... everything except the lifeless, cold body of my Kyrie and the sight of crimson blood splattered all over her chest and dripping from her lips. Her deep blue eyes show no signs of fear or terror or desire to live... instead, it is filled with sadness, deep sadness of being unable to fulfill a promise to someone whom you cherished. Her heart had stopped beating and her throbbing nerves and veins had ceased to function. Reality struck like bitter lightning into the very depths of my soul, striking me with the awful truth that, try as I might to ignore, it had already set its place... My Kyrie is gone... forever....

“NOOOO!” I shouted at the top of my lungs as angry tears, tears of hate and misery, of despair and sorrow swelled upon my very eyes and into the darkest depths of my soul. Why, I asked myself as I carried her lifeless body from the ground, did she have to die? Why had she sacrificed herself and taken that blow? Why, even with this ungodly power I possess, had I been unable to protect and save her from the clutches of death? “WHYYY!” I shouted once again, a failing battle cry of a warrior who had failed on something that had been precious to him more than life itself. I failed the one I really wished to save...

“You are weak monsieur Alcain! Too weak too even save your beloved Kyrie from death itself!”, said a sinister, mocking voice behind me. “I despise you!”, It shouted cruelly, “Your weakness has proven you worthless for such things as love, Daywalker, you are only fit to die! Just like that poor girl in your arms!”

Saying this mockery, my adversary laughed, a mocking laughter far colder than the blade of the sword he carries;piercing through the inner depths of my existence. It was my fault, I was too weak and loving; too compassionate and caring that I cant get myself to kill in order to protect those dear to me. I was too late... too late for regrets... to late to change the inevitable...

“YOU CAN'T ALWAYS CHOOSE BOTH SIDES A. REMEMBER THAT OR REGRET LATER”

Amelia said that to me once... back at the manor... I was a fool to have ignored her words....

Wiping the tears in my eyes, I walked a little distance away from where I was and settled Kyrie's body on the foot of a shattered, torn column. As I placed her body to her final resting place, I closed her eyes and whispered to her, “I am sorry. Please... forgive me... Kyrie....”With this final words, I turned back from her, facing the monster that had taken her life, taken everything and everyone that had meant all the world to me: dad.... Mom.... and ... Kyrie....

Without another word, I took DarkHunter from its holster on my waist and rushed, at fullspeed towards the dark abomination in front of me; my eyes bearing the color of blood that shall flow to the earth any moment from now on. I swear.. I wont rest... I shall kill him....

CHAPTER ONE: BIRTHDAYS AND PRESENTS

Today... 31st of August...

It's my Birthday.
Great....
Dad's gonna buy old John Bucko's ancient truck for my present.
Nice....
I'm gonna drive to school tomorrow looking like a farm boy on his first day as a senior.
Terrific.... It's gonna be one heck of a ride...

As I was sitting my ass off the corner of my room, listening to a rock song and bullying my mind of all the insults that I would get as I drive to school tomorrow on a rusty, old farm pick up, I can't help wishing it was still summer. I never really liked high school anyway, not the kind of way it runs down here at Easton, and if not for the fact that one needs to finish high school in order to proceed to college, I think I would've ditched it completely. Truth is, I really hate this place and everything there was to it: the weather, the people, the fat lady on the other side of the street, our house... everything. I wish I could move back time, back to last summer where I was having so much fun riding the waves on that nice beach together with the person I've ever cared in my life...

...KYRIE...

And speaking of her, I find myself staring into a corner of the wall full of photographs and memories of our childhood, Mine and hers. I smiled, thinking of her and those memorable moments captured and placed on those tiny squares hanging on that space of the wall. There's that picture on the far left of a small boy, me, dirty and crying on a sandbox by the park and a cute girl ,her, taking a little, red handkerchief from the pocket of her skirt and was on the verge of wiping the sand of that boy's face. It was 14 years before.... the day I met the best and only friend I ever had...

...KYRIE...

I didn't have much luck at making friends, especially among the girls. You see, I have this “curse” in me that boys my age call as “the loser virus” and most of them , especially the girls, are allergic to it – all except Kyrie. I don't know why, but she seems to be the only person in school that isn't allergic to it. Most seniors in Easton, well, are jerks; especially Terry Bode and his good – for - nothing bunch of thugs and misfits. There is also that stupid “queen of the cheerleaders”, Jacqueline Crosby, whose egocentricity matches equally with her stupid brain. She thinks she is the “prettiest, most adorable senior” in the campus when in fact, most of us are wondering if she's got enough I.Q. To operate a washing machine. If not for these two “jerks”, my life as a student would've been fine... but, as that saying goes, “you cannot have every good thing in life”. Still I am glad that I had Kyrie...

“Knock,Knock!”

A sharp, tapping noise on the door returned my thoughts to reality. Annoyed by the disturbance to what had been a nice daydream, I unwillingly stood up and went for the door. Only two people could be so untimely in my entire life. Sighing I unlocked the door and, not to my surprise, It was those two standing in front of the door with a birthday cake at hand...
“MOM?... DAD?... whats going...?” I was unable to finish the question.
“HAPPY 18 BIRTHDAY!” the two of them greeted in an enthusiastically gleeful voice. I can't help myself grinning at this act, the same greeting every birthday with only the numbers changing year after year. I almost forgot... there where three people in this world that I cared about...

Mom ... Dad ... and Kyrie ...

(to be continued...)

[blairWitcher]

any comments and suggestions are deeply appreciated...

[adyc]

Blair,
Fair play to you for the work you are putting in. Like you I am new to this but there does appear to be some lovely people here all willing to help.
I would suggest that you might like to take a break from the story itself and do a couple of profiles for your main characters. I agree with the early comments about making your main character beleivable and give the reader an opportunity to empathise with his/her flaws. Once you have developed a truly 3 dimensional character it will stay in your mind as you write the story anyway. Beleive me it will become real.
Enjoy the experience.
All the best.

Adyc

[blairWitcher]

thanks for the comment, adyc.

I wish that you could help me in creating a character profile for jake and Kyrie. As for jake's dad and mom, I'm working on it right now.

thanks and have a good day

[blairWitcher]

(continuation of the former chapter...)

“I told your mother that you are too old for this.” Dad said apologetically. “but she insisted upon it anyway so, here we are.” He added with a meaningful wink.

“Ignore your father, Jakey, he's just acting manly in front of his boy.” Mom replied, her eyebrows raising.

“But Sarah, Jake's no longer a child. He's...”

“Not an adult yet, Arthur, you of all people should...”

“Ahem!” I cleared my throat to get their attention. The last thing I wanted to happen on my birthday is a silly argument between both of them. “Why don't you guys wait for me in the kitchen and we could have breakfast together.” I suggested sheepishly.

“Alright. Ill cook the bacon.” Mom said with a sigh as she went towards the stairs leading down the kitchen. “Just hurry up and get dressed Jakey.” She added as she moved downstairs. Dear old mom, I said to myself, always treats me like a grade school brat.

“So.” Dad broke me off from my thoughts. “Excited to become a man, lad?” Dad asked with a wide grin spreading all over his face. I know he's happy that I'm now of age but there's something on that grin that makes me shiver with anxiety.

“Sssure..” I stuttered, unsure of what to say. “I'm looking forward to it... dad.” I answered, asking myself if I had said the right thing.
“That's my son! Jake your going to make your dad proud of you!” He said excitedly as he slapped me on the shoulder that almost knocked me to the wall. I've never seen him like this since he got his fat Christmas bonus from his client down the firm. He sure is excited to make a man out of his son.

“Arthur, could you handle the garbage down here! It's getting out of hand again!” Mom called out, followed with a sizzling noise of heated frying oil and the delightful scent of sausages and bacon filling the air.
“I'm coming, honey! Just a sec..” My dad called out to her, hurrying, like an obedient lap dog, towards the direction of the kitchen. Dad could talk and act like a real man and he's never afraid to face anyone – except Mom. Dear old dad, I thought,smirking to myself, as I closed the door of my room, He sure is the “man of this house.”

I went to the bathroom and started heating up the shower. As I waited for the tub to fill itself with warm water, I stared upon my image on the bathroom mirror. Six feet and two inches tall, fair complexion, skinny with jet black hair and fair brown eyes. I began to admire myself and did lot's of “model poses” in front of the mirror. I never realized that I had changed so much from the crying, accident-prone boy of yesterday. What I see in the mirror is somebody else - an evolved form of Jake. Humming a tune from a popular song, “Decode”, I undressed, proceeded inside the tub and began bathing myself on the stimulating, warm bath. I'm a man now, I said to myself as I lathed my hair with shampoo, I should be able to find a girlfriend this year. But Terry Bode made it sure that girls won't ever talk to “Loser Jake”. In fact every time I tried to get a girl's attention, that thug would show up and humiliate me in front of everyone. I shook myself out of this dark thought; thinking of Terry Bode and his “atrocities” makes me sick. “That won't happen this year.” I said to myself, determined to reach my goal. “I'm gonna find myself a girlfriend and nobody, not even dumb Terry, could stop me.” I hope so.

After three minutes of bathing, drying and dressing myself, I was ready. I went out of my room and made my way towards the kitchen. The aroma of hot, juicy sausages and and fat dripping bacon was too powerful to ignore. I began to feel hungry as I went downstairs toward the kitchen table.

“There you are, Jakey, what took you so long?” Mom said as I walked across the table towards my seat. “I was afraid the sausages would be long cold before you get here.” She added as she washed the frying pan on the kitchen sink. Mom's a “clean freak”. She gets easily annoyed of unwashed plates and frying pans, and in dad's case, unwashed coffee mugs and improperly disposed cigarette butts.

Dad was already on the kitchen table,a mug of classic brewed, coffee in front of him and a crisp, fresh newspaper on his hands. He smiled at me, as I sat down opposite him, and said, “Jake, I would like you to join me down at old John Bucko's ranch after breakfast. I've got something to show to you.” He said as he flipped the pages to the business section. I was pretty sure what that manic grin on his face was all about.

(to be continued...)