Work in progress

[seraphim26]

Hey all.
Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read my post - I'm pretty new here and kinda nervous about posting this for critique, so bare with me
Ok, the basics. This is a sci-fi story, called Ghost set in the distant future. I'm not quite sure as to the genre it would fall under (thriller/action etc) as I don't write proffessionally. The exerpt I'm showing is near the beginning, and has had some good feedback from friends/family so far, so any further suggestions/critical eyes etc are welcome. I've never put anything up for critique before so I'll just get on and post the exerpt. Thanks all.
Seraph.

One

The DCS Ironsides glided quietly into orbit, its three week journey from the Deep Core space docks at Mantua having been eerily quiet. The small colony of Abels Hope had ‘gone quiet’ for seven weeks now – losing all contact with the Deep Core HQ at Mantua; and though brief loss of contact with the farthest colonies was nothing unusual, being out of touch for this long was cause for concern, after all, there was a schedule to keep, and ore that needed processing, besides which the colony would have been without essential supplies for at least a week now. The crew of the DCS Ironsides had been tasked with investigating what had happened. Not usually a job for the military, but a colony this far out was deemed risky enough by the powers that be that only a military investigation team would do.

Abels Hope was the farthest planet in a series of seven that extended out from a small sun in the interestingly named system of FGS22318B, nicknamed the Billiard Ball Bunch by those who travelled there, for its planets being all similarly sized yet each of starkly different colours. The last in the line, a small dusky brown orb that barely qualified as a planet, was colonised by survey teams from Deep Core, the governing corporation for this area of human controlled space, thirty one years ago when it was found to contain more traces of a mineral called Terra-site than any of the other planets in the system. Through the many years of space exploration humanity had been doing, the discovery of Terra-site was perhaps one of its greater discoveries. Its properties were not dissimilar to many minerals commonly found throughout the galaxy, yet scientists found that its use was much more versatile, enabling it to be used both as a fuel and as a construction material, both of which being longer lasting, tougher, and lighter than most other minerals in use at the time. It soon became apparent that Terra-site could be found across the galaxy, and any burgeoning conflicts for control of this new resource soon died away.

And so Abels hope was founded. Enough traces of Terra-site having been found to warrant a small scale mining facility being set up, the survey team of the DCS Abel set about terra-forming the planet; a process that would stabilise the atmosphere and make it breathable for the new arrivals while they went into large scale industrial mining below the surface. Within ten years a fully functional colony had blossomed through the harsh conditions created by the terra-forming process, which by now was almost complete. Although life was difficult for the colonists, the mining continued, and eventually Abels Hope became yet another delivery schedule among the millions that were scattered across human controlled space. At least it was.

31 years after its founding, Abels Hope went quiet. At first it was thought to be a technical problem with communications, after all, speaking to someone 9 million light years away can be somewhat sketchy, even in the dawning years of the 27th century. Sheer distance, combined with the natural elements and junk that floats through deep space would occasionally hamper communications with the outlying colonies, and so, for awhile, the silence that emanated from Abels Hope was passed off as a mere technical glitch. Three weeks later, concern was beginning to mount, but Abel Hopes distance from Deep Core HQ at Mantua, the largest and most populated planet in the Deep Core central galaxy known as Home, was throwing up far more complications than the company had bargained on. It was to this end, that after four weeks without communication from the colony, the governing council of Deep Core approved a request for a military investigation team to head out and find out what was going on. Three weeks later, they arrived.

‘Abels Hope control, Abels Hope control, this is the DCS Ironsides requesting comms check, over.’ The comms officer, Charlie, checked the frequency once again on his computer screen, and turned to his Commander, Captain Danes, who was stood behind him. ‘Its right sir. I just don’t get it. We are broadcasting loud and clear – there’s just no one home.’

Captain Danes sighed, and leant onto the communications console. ‘Put it on the main speakers Charlie. I wanna listen.’ With a compliant nod, Charlie tapped a request into his computer, and in a second, the ships main speakers began to hiss loudly with the sound of static. ‘Abels Hope control, I say again, this is the DCS Ironsides requesting a comms check – please respond, over.’

Thats pretty much it for this part. Thanks for now.

[chrispenycate]

nicknamed the Billiard Ball Bunch by those who travelled there, for its planets being all similarly sized yet each of starkly different colours.

confusing; "for its planets were" or "for its planets, that were" possibly? And it's more a snooker set than a billiard bunch, no?

The last in the line, a small dusky brown orb that barely qualified as a planet, was

had been

colonised by survey teams from Deep Core, the governing corporation for this area of human controlled space, thirty one years ago when it was found to contain more traces of a mineral called Terra-site than any of the other planets in the system.

A mineral wouldn't generally have a capital letter, or an interior hyphen.
[quote]

At first it was thought to be a technical problem with communications,

semicolon

after all, speaking to someone 9 million light years away can be somewhat sketchy,

but Abel Hopes

Abels Hope's

distance from Deep Core HQ at Mantua, the largest and most populated planet in the Deep Core central galaxy known as Home, was throwing up

had thrown up?

far more complications than the company had bargained on. It was to this end,

Which end? The throwing up of complications? And no comma

that after four weeks without communication from the colony, the governing council of Deep Core

had

approved a request for a military investigation team to head out and find out what was going on. Three weeks later, they arrived.

Its right sir

It's right, And what exactly is right?

leant onto the communications console

I suspect he leant on the console, as getting onto it would severely handicap his communications specialist.

[Nik]

My 'natural home' is in 'Hard SF', so I liked this tale at first glance.

Couple of technical thoughts...

'9 million miles away'. Um, that's only 10% of Earth/Sun distance. Do you mean 9 / 19 / 90 light-years ?? Those prompt a cascade of options and choices on how you duck & weave around Mr Einstein to get from hither to yon...

Second, a *solid* outermost planet is unlikely to be more than an ice-ball. Warming it up is probably not a good idea...

Although planetary formation theories still include a lot of 'hand-wavium' --See current issue of NewScientist mag !!-- a solar system with several planets but NO gas-giants would be surprising. IIRC, current count of extra-solar planets is about ~280, mostly gas-giants. If you had a whole bunch of mostly-rock 'minor planets' in a whopper asteroid belt, or a companion star that creamed off the giants, it might be more plausible....

Um, IMHO, many of your sentences are tooo long. Fortunately, fixing that just needs cheerful editing and a little more confidence...

If you need some links for general space stuff, plausible planet-building etc etc, PM me.

[chrispenycate]

"Nine million light years", I think you'll find. Certainly not in the same galaxy.

I agree with your analysis of planetary formation, but can't insist on it until we've visited a few more stellar systems to be sure; it seems reasonable, but no simulation program can replace hands on experimentation.

[Nik]

"Nine million light years",

My bad: Ascribe it to the 'hard spaces' in the formatting that upset my reading...

[ctg]

Originally Posted by seraphim26

One

The DCS Ironsides glided quietly into orbit, its three week journey from the Deep Core space docks at Mantua having been eerily quiet. The small colony of Abels Hope had ‘gone quiet’ for seven weeks now

Glided quietly ... in space ... you mean the ship engines was not working?

There are so many quiet words here, that as a writer, I would consider rewriting this to remove the repetition.

– losing all contact with the Deep Core HQ at Mantua; and though brief loss of contact with the farthest colonies was nothing unusual, being out of touch for this long was cause for concern, after all, there was a schedule to keep, and ore that needed processing, besides which the colony would have been without essential supplies for at least a week now.

It's a bit info dumpy. Does the reader really need to know all this?

'Abels Hope control, Abels Hope control, this is the DCS Ironsides requesting comms check, over.’ The comms officer, Charlie, checked the frequency once again on his computer screen, and turned to his Commander, Captain Danes, who was stood behind him. ‘Its right sir. I just don’t get it. We are broadcasting loud and clear – there’s just no one home.’

Captain Danes sighed, and leant onto the communications console. ‘Put it on the main speakers Charlie. I wanna listen.’ With a compliant nod, Charlie tapped a request into his computer, and in a second, the ships main speakers began to hiss loudly with the sound of static. ‘Abels Hope control, I say again, this is the DCS Ironsides requesting a comms check – please respond, over.’

This is good, and I think you should continue from this and try to weave the rest of the narrative into the story elsewhere.

The crew of the DCS Ironsides had been tasked with investigating what had happened. Not usually a job for the military, but a colony this far out was deemed risky enough by the powers that be that only a military investigation team would do.

Abels Hope was the farthest planet in a series of seven that extended out from a small sun in the interestingly named system of FGS22318B, nicknamed the Billiard Ball Bunch by those who travelled there, for its planets being all similarly sized yet each of starkly different colours. The last in the line, a small dusky brown orb that barely qualified as a planet, was colonised by survey teams from Deep Core, the governing corporation for this area of human controlled space, thirty one years ago when it was found to contain more traces of a mineral called Terra-site than any of the other planets in the system. Through the many years of space exploration humanity had been doing, the discovery of Terra-site was perhaps one of its greater discoveries. Its properties were not dissimilar to many minerals commonly found throughout the galaxy, yet scientists found that its use was much more versatile, enabling it to be used both as a fuel and as a construction material, both of which being longer lasting, tougher, and lighter than most other minerals in use at the time. It soon became apparent that Terra-site could be found across the galaxy, and any burgeoning conflicts for control of this new resource soon died away.

And so Abels hope was founded. Enough traces of Terra-site having been found to warrant a small scale mining facility being set up, the survey team of the DCS Abel set about terra-forming the planet; a process that would stabilise the atmosphere and make it breathable for the new arrivals while they went into large scale industrial mining below the surface. Within ten years a fully functional colony had blossomed through the harsh conditions created by the terra-forming process, which by now was almost complete. Although life was difficult for the colonists, the mining continued, and eventually Abels Hope became yet another delivery schedule among the millions that were scattered across human controlled space. At least it was.

31 years after its founding, Abels Hope went quiet. At first it was thought to be a technical problem with communications, after all, speaking to someone 9 million light years away can be somewhat sketchy, even in the dawning years of the 27th century. Sheer distance, combined with the natural elements and junk that floats through deep space would occasionally hamper communications with the outlying colonies, and so, for awhile, the silence that emanated from Abels Hope was passed off as a mere technical glitch. Three weeks later, concern was beginning to mount, but Abel Hopes distance from Deep Core HQ at Mantua, the largest and most populated planet in the Deep Core central galaxy known as Home, was throwing up far more complications than the company had bargained on. It was to this end, that after four weeks without communication from the colony, the governing council of Deep Core approved a request for a military investigation team to head out and find out what was going on. Three weeks later, they arrived.

Even though it well written, it's info dumpy to me and as I said at above, I would try to make it into the story.

[seraphim26]

Hey guys
Much appreciated Chrispen/Nik for the prompt responses - I've been kind of biting my nails expecting a barrage of mistakes to be found and so I'm pleasantly surprised. Chrispen - the amendments have been noted and I've made the changes, thankyou for the help. I guess it's very easy to miss small things like those when writing for a long period.

Nik, it should read 9 million light years, atleast I hope it does thanks for the advice - any help with creating feasable systems/worlds would be great - I think I wanted to get a basic idea down in the opening part of the story as to the vast expansions humanity had travelled across the stars, and let my imagination guide me as to what they'd be like - though perhaps more realistic/feasable star systems/planets for the main HQ worlds/galaxies might be a better idea? My main point is that alot of the places humankind had landed themselves on are pretty much desolate, and they've had to essentially build thier world from scratch - alot of scifi tends to see a populace on a lush, naturally prosperous planet, so when I had the first ideas for this story I had influences like the planets featured in Alien and Blade Runner - either harsh and barren or heavily industrialised.
Cheers for now,
Seraph.

[seraphim26]

Hey CTG
Thanks for the tips - I've changed glided quietly into orbit to glided slowly into orbit. I figured space to be a quiet place - but not that quiet lol.

As for the info heavy, I guess it is in places - -but then I'm trying to set a scene I guess. I know what I'm writing, I can imagine what the whole thing looks, sounds and feels like, but alot of people don't have that kind of vision. I think in places through the rest of the book I'll cut back a little here and there though - like you say, some of it the reader might not need to know.

The last part, re: the comms chat etc, features more through the story. As the plot deepens, and we meet characters etc, you'll get to hear from them more - I'll post another section down the line.

Thankyou for your help

Seraph.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Sorry haven't read it since those above more qualified have done so.

However, what's with the centred formatting?

Ok just had a quick look - a few comments

Abels Hope was the farthest planet in a series of seven that extended out from a small sun in the interestingly named system of FGS22318B, nicknamed the Billiard Ball Bunch (surely not, billiards have two colours red and white - it would either be the snooker table or the pool table no way bunch) by those who travelled there, for its planets being all similarly sized yet each of starkly different colours. The last in the line, a small dusky brown orb that barely qualified as a planet, was colonised (if we have a blue planet and a green planet I would have thought they more likely candidates for colonisation not the 'barely a planet' dustbowl at the end of the line unless you can find a reason. The presence of a special mineral isn't sufficient. water is the key to all colonisation - terra-site common throughout the galaxy but never on Earth?) by survey teams from Deep Core, the governing corporation for this area of human controlled space, thirty one years ago when it was found to contain more traces of a mineral called Terra-site than any of the other planets in the system (they would pick the one that is easiest to live on if it was present on all seven). Through the many years of space exploration humanity had been doing, the discovery of Terra-site was perhaps one of its greater discoveries. Its properties were not dissimilar to many minerals commonly found throughout the galaxy, yet scientists found that its use was much more versatile, enabling it to be used both as a fuel and as a construction material, (I can't think of such a material on Earth unless you mean trees or oil - Why not have two minerals there's no reason to confuse the reader with a magic mineral) both of which being longer lasting, tougher, and lighter than most other minerals in use at the time. It soon became apparent that Terra-site could be found across the galaxy, and any burgeoning conflicts for control of this new resource soon died away (well then, why go to some god forsaken armpit at the end of the galaxy where no one exists that needs it. Then haul it all the way back past all those other pleasant places that contain it).


To my mind the minerals have to be rare - the planet has to be the only one for four parsecs that contain them to justify the effort of collecting and controlling it. There would be conflict on a grand scale since in all human existance if you have something that everybody wants there will always be another human that want's what it gives more than the current owner. - unless all the humans have had brain surgery to remove greed, lust, desire and selfishness.

[seraphim26]

Hey The End
Thanks for the views. The story itself revolves not around humanity seeking other places to live on aside from Earth, but more its journey to find other energy resources, useful materials and the like so that Earth itself doesn't die out due to humandkind damaging it so badly. Some of the planet's are colonized not for living on as such but for industrial purposes - the large corporations that control these colonies all have homeworlds for the bulk populace.

The reasons that such lengths are taken to obtain the ore is that even though it is common, it's not common enough to find everywhere, and the diversity of use it has means that it is valuable and useful to all the corporations, but at the same time, after it is discovered that terrasite is more common than initially thought, any burgeoning conflicts die away. To this end prospectors looking to make money can sell the stuff to the corporations, or buy a stake in a planet somewhere, and so large scale military conflict becomes pointless.

Greed and selfishness still exist, true, but society as a whole once again falls back into a stagnating self involvement, where class, the harsh life of space and dying incentives to make things better provides enough emphasis for my story to take off.

Although I do think I'm going to have to re-nickname that system......

Seraph.