Charred Bones

[Swendle10]

The first chapter of my book is finished and I'm satisfied with all of it but the first few introduction paragraphs. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with it?

Chapter 1-Charred Bones

“Adriene?” the teacher whispered. Moonlight bathed the dim room, the dark sky cast shadows against the ceiling which obscured her sight as she slowly skimmed the hut. Like dead corpses the children lay still at their desks, a rare snore from one jolting another into consciousness with a sudden panic. She cared for them. Three more than others. The three that sat staring at opposite corners of the room, oblivious to the slow rustle of sound that echoed timelessly against the walls, were the only ones she trusted.

“Yes, teacher,” a thin, feeble reply came.

A dwarf like child of six stood up in response to her call, her nose twitching something horrible. The older lady paused. The child’s composed face grew redder,her eyes bigger, her lower lip trembling in a signature sign of despair. Her instructor raised a slow hand, fear crawling across her face. With an inhumane whine the child burst into tears.

The air stirred again and she looked warily to the left of the crying child.

The loner sat by the window again, peering out. Always…peering out.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” the sweet tempered woman consoled the child she had called, desperately trying to avoid waking the others. To no avail the wailing grew louder, and louder and louder still, until all the children had begun to stir.

“Liuf took it!” the girl sobbed out in the midst of her tantrum. “He took my cystin yesterday!”

Someone sucked in a breath.

“Your cystin?” she echoed. The spirit items the children received at birth, the small carvings which sometimes came to life, were meant to be carried until adulthood. To lose one could leave you outcast in the village, but to steal one… to steal one was sure death.

There came a sleepy murmur of protest from a drowsy boy, his telltale tufts of hair and pudgy body helping her immediatly recognize him as Liuf . Eyes, cold and accusing, began to multiply around him, ever increasing until he was rendered fully awake by the shock of the hostility surrounding him. Like a cornered animal the accused lad squealed his innocence and began to shake.

“Has anyone seen it?” the instructor asked tightly.

Silence.

“No one?” she ground out. Adriene’s wail pierced the quiet. In frustration the woman’s shadow cast over Liuf, one authoritive hand wrapping around his neck.

In the silence a voice whispered through the warm air, cast like a soft enchantment.

“Wait.”

All eyes turned to the loner by the window. Outside there was the flurry of a cart bumping in the road. The slow drawl of merchants lifted into the dusky morning and within seconds the sound of bartering and arguing could be heard beyond. The girl looked unperturbed; oblivious to the world and its troubles.

In that brief moment the air seemed to pop and dissolve around her as she shuddered. Those near her scurried backwards in fright. The child’s hands, as if smoldering, grasped the desk as air whistled past her mouth in a hiss. She could see it in her mind.

[ctg]

The reason why you might feel its wrong is because of the narrative. It's not what I would call as a character narrative. You should introduce a Point Of View and stick to only telling the story by using it.

[limubai2000]

I agree with ctg. You need a point of view.

Also...

“Adriene?” the teacher whispered.

“Yes, teacher,” a thin, feeble reply came.

“Has anyone seen it?” the instructor asked tightly.

The last quote should replace instructor with teacher.