Inspired By David Gemmell!

[xVx-Dread]

I was working on this a whille back. Not added to it for a while now, but its about time I got my fingure out and started again. Since I just found this forum I thought I'd run a bit by you guys.

Prologue
In the middle of a dark autumn night, clouds were gathering as a dark figure moved along the side of the palace grounds. He was not noticed even when he made a break for the perimeter wall, not a sound was heard when he vaulted through the battlements. Landing softly on the grass of the spacious royal gardens he let out a light grunt, pausing a moment to make sure the coast was clear he continued on into the atrium. Removing his cloak he moved over to the head table.

A second dark figure walk out from the shadows on the other side of the hall. The hall had the musky smell of roasted meats in the air, the rich aroma tingled the intruders throat, as he reached the middle of the atrium he threw down a blood stained tunic. The tunic had the mark of an eagle on the chest in blue and gold thread. The general's dress uniform. 'It has been done, my king. 'The intruder stated cooly. He picked up a strip of venison and devoured it. As the second figure reached the middle of the room, a shaft of light peered through a break in the clouds. The intruder had youthful apperiance with long jet black hair and bright sapphire blue eyes. King Verin seemed much older with shorter hair displaying silver streaks at his temples and in his predominant trimmed beard, his eyes weary and grey.

'You were not seen?' Enquired king Verin.

'Of course not, you doubt my skills?' Challenged the assassin.

'Never.' Exclaimed king Verin with a hint of pride in his voice. 'But one can never be too sure, you left the dagger behind?'

'Yes, on his pillow like you instructed.'

'You have done me a great favour. I am proud of you Jonus, my boy!'

'Thank you father.' Jonus let a sigh of relief 'How long before I take over the army?'

'You will be taking charge of the Cavalry, as soon as general Galavus is discovered. But I will lead the army for now. You lack the experience of leadership of command. A few battles with the Eagles will give you the required experience, and a few months training with Tobias will give you responsibility.' The king turned to walk away 'Now be away to your room before the guards notice!'

The young prince crept down the corridor sticking to the shadow, each time a guard passed he would dive into the shadows. on arrival to his room he kicked off his boots and crept into bed, feeling the fatigue taking over from the exhilaration from the events from the night. He had killed the general in his sleep. No way for a warrior to die, he thought. His father had assured him it would be the best thing for the Griffin council. His explination was that if the Kratarin's assasinated a Samide officer then it could cause a rift in the Griffin domain. Closing his eyes he slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Go ahead and spring your feedback. If I get enough fedback I may post the next part.

[Culhwch]

Moved to Critiques.

[Sapheron]

Hmm... well, here we go.

The main point I'll make is that you describe very little. In fact, nothing but a little on the two's appearances. Not that you neccessarily should right at the beginning, but I feel in this case you need to. A few more descriptive words, please. At the moment it's a shopping list of events. This is five hundred words, so try and make it at least eight hundred, without adding in any more events.

Look at your commas as well. I can't place it, not being an expert on grammar myself, but some of them make me decidedly edgy for some reason. Could one of the greater beings of the forum perhaps help us out there? Or at least tell me I'm paranoid?

The final moan I have is that I doubt a King would use his own Prince to serve out a delicate and secretive assassination. It doesn't leave much room for deniability if it's your own son, and a prince is pretty recognisable, so they're a poor choice to send. All it'd take is one servant to get a glance with someone so famous, after all. Surely a King would have somewhat... less savoury characters at his fingertips who would be much better suited to such a role?

Other than that, I beg continue. I'd be happy to see more!

[TheEndIsNigh]

There are some odd things - see if you agree.

Originally Posted by xVx-Dread

I was working on this a whille back. Not added to it for a while now, but its about time I got my fingure out and started again. Since I just found this forum I thought I'd run a bit by you guys.

Prologue
In the middle of a dark autumn night, clouds were gathering as a dark figure moved along the side of the palace grounds. He was not noticed even when he made a break for the perimeter wall, (he's in the place grounds going in, so why is he making a break outwards towards the perimeter wall) not a sound was heard when he vaulted through the battlements. (battlements to me say big tall structures auulting through them would be quite impressive) Landing softly on the grass of the spacious royal gardens he let out a light grunt, pausing a moment to make sure the coast was clear (don't like 'coast is clear') he continued on into the atrium. Removing his cloak he moved over to the head table.

A second dark figure walk(ed) out from the shadows on the other side of the hall. The hall had the musky smell of roasted meats in the air, the rich aroma tingled the intruders throat, as he reached the middle of the atrium he threw down a blood stained tunic. The tunic had the mark (motiffe, emblem, badge but not some casual mark this was a generals dress tunic) of an eagle on the chest in blue and gold thread. The general's dress uniform. 'It has been done, my King. (also it's surely his dad he's addressing why not father) 'The intruder stated cooly. He picked up a strip of venison and devoured it. As the second figure reached the middle of the room, a shaft of light peered through a break in the clouds. The intruder (he's not really an intruder though is he) had youthful apperiance with long jet black hair and bright sapphire blue eyes (in the dark?). King Verin was seemed much older with shorter hair displaying silver streaks at his temples and in his predominant trimmed beard, his eyes weary and grey.

'You were not seen?' Enquired king Verin.

'Of course not, you doubt my skills?' Challenged the assassin. (now he's turned into an assissin)

'Never.' Exclaimed king Verin with a hint of pride in his voice. 'But one can never be too sure, you left the dagger behind?'

'Yes, on his pillow like you instructed.'

'You have done me a great favour. I am proud of you Jonus, my boy!'

'Thank you father.' Jonus let a sigh of relief 'How long before I take over the army?'

'You will be taking charge of the Cavalry, as soon as general Galavus is discovered. But I will lead the army for now. You lack the experience of leadership of command. A few battles with the Eagles will give you the required experience, and a few months training with Tobias will give you responsibility(not sure this reads right, training doesn't usually 'give' responsibility that's usually given and experience of that resonsibilty is gained).' The king turned to walk away 'Now be away to your room before the guards notice!' (

The young prince crept down the corridor sticking to the shadow, each time a guard passed he would dive into the shadows. on arrival in to his room he kicked off his boots and crept into bed, feeling the fatigue taking over from the exhilaration from the events from the night. He had killed the general in his sleep (in his dress uniform now that's what I called being prepared and why would he need the tunic anyway It's all going to come out he's dead the proof will be public knowledge in the morning). No way for a warrior to die, he thought. His father had assured him it would be the best thing for the Griffin council. His explination was that if the Kratarin's assasinated a Samide officer then it could cause a rift in the Griffin domain. Closing his eyes he slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Go ahead and spring your feedback. If I get enough fedback I may post the next part.

Hope you find it contructive

[xVx-Dread]

The grammar sucks I know. I'll have a more detailed version up soon.
There is reason behind the prince doing the hit... I don't want to give too much away, but there is more to come with the relationship between the two of them...

attempt 2

In the middle of a dark autumn night, clouds were gathering as a dark figure moved along outer wall in the lower town. Weaving in and out of the tents as he moves towards the generals tent in the middle of the camp. They were sloppy in setting up camp, such are the problems when in “friendly” territory. No guards posted for the night shift. Just as he makes his way into the tent he thinks to himself “This is too easy” He doesn’t take long. The old man had a little too much to drink and was too inebriated to react. Scooping up the blood stained tunic he spun on his heel and was out. He was not noticed even when he made a break for the perimeter wall, darting in and out of the backs of tents. Freezing for a heartbeat as he heard a girl gasping. Realising she was one of the whores out to service the army he continued quietly. Not a sound was heard when he scaled the outer wall and vaulted through the battlements walkway along the ramparts. Along and down the back alleys He could take his time, tonight was a night of celebration and the Watch wouldn’t be looking for civilians. More keeping an eye out for the odd soldier that gets too merry. Approaching the palace took a little more tact, He knew where the holds were in the wall and was over it quickly unnoticed. Landing softly on the grass of the spacious royal gardens he let out a light grunt, pausing a moment to scan the area around him he was alone and sprinting to the bushes slowing down he continued on into the atrium. Removing his cloak he moved over to the head table.

He was joined by a second dark figure. He walk out from the shadows on the other side of the hall. The hall had the musky smell of roasted meats in the air, the rich aroma tingled the intruders throat, as he reached the middle of the atrium he threw down a blood stained tunic. The tunic had an emblem of an eagle on the chest in blue and gold thread. 'It has been done, my King.' The intruder stated coolly. He picked up a thin strip of venison and chewed on it. A little well done for his taste but well seasoned. Washes it down with a swig of wine from a goblet. Obviously the entertainment went on well into the night, the servants must have been dismissed before the guests tired. As the second figure reached the middle of the room, a shaft of light peered through a break in the clouds. and illuminated the two men. The King was much older and with short dark hair with silver streaks his eyes blue-grey and weary from a long day and evening of entertaining his beard well trimmed and short. The younger of the two stood just a little shorter but thinner, his saphire blue eyes shone in the pale moonlight

'You were not seen?' Enquired king Verin.

'Of course not, you doubt my skill?' Challenged the assassin.

'Never.' Exclaimed king Verin with a hint of pride in his voice. 'But one can never be too sure, you left the dagger behind?'

'Yes, on his pillow like you instructed.'

'You have done me a great favour. I am proud of you Jonus, my boy!'

'Thank you father.' Jonus let a sigh of relief 'How long before I take over the army?’

'You will be taking charge of the Cavalry, as soon as general Galavus is discovered. But I will take over as leader the army for now. It’s important for the people to see there king at the front of a march to war asides that you lack the experience of leadership and command. A few battles with the Eagles will give you the required experience, and a few months training with Tobias will teach you restraint and responsability of leadership.' The king turned to walk away 'Now be away to your room before the guards notice!'

The young prince crept down the corridor sticking to the shadow, each time he heard movement he dive into the shadows. on arrival to his room he kicked off his boots and crept into bed, feeling the fatigue taking over from the exhilaration from the events from the night. He had killed the general in his sleep. No way for a warrior to die, he thought. His father had assured him it would be the best thing for the Griffin council.

His explanation was that if the Kratarin's assassinated a Samide officer then it could tilt there influence with the council and strengthen the Samide influence over the Empire. The King has always wanted to reclaim the lands of his ancestors and this goal is what he had set his son. Why should we allow people to live so impoverished lives when our rule could improve there situation. Allowing people to be ruled by weak rulers is the same as condemning them to a life of pain. Closing his eyes he slipped into eerily empty and dark sleep.

[xVx-Dread]

I noticed your mention of him referring to the King instead of father, I want it to seem like the prince is being a little bit cheeky bordering on insolent. as if he feels the task was beneeth him.

[chrispenycate]

I have just grammar corrected this twice in succession (and believe me it needed some correction) and the site has refused it twice. It's going to have to wait till I'm back to a computer I know.

The possessive of them is "their", not "there", quotation marks do not get capitals following them, the tense swings from present to past, and back, possessives like "general's" take apostrophes.

[limubai2000]

Grammar mistakes aside maybe it would be more interesting if the prince called him father and then he is revealed as the king when he emerges from the shadows?

I agree with the aforementioned, why would a king use his son, a prince to commit an assassination? Not to mention why would a person with such good skills at stealth and assassination lead a cavalry regiment much less an army? Is there some other plot threads we aren't aware of? Maybe it should be a surprise that the assassin is the prince?

It does make me interested enough to want to read more.