The Poverty Knights needs look over

[Damiynn]

Chapter 1

Shad felt his hopes wither and die as his opponent’s lance slipped over the edge of his shield and crashed heavily into the breastplate of his plain black armor. His dreams of becoming a true knight exploded like the lance and the stunning impact sent him flying from the saddle. Crashing heavily onto the packed earth, his armor rang like a hundred church bells in his ears all at once.

The emerald green grass of the tourney field offered little padding. Looking out his visor, he realized through a pain-filled haze that he was a lot better off than the others who had rode before him. Jorvis had been dragged off the field by the healers after Ralgar Sariss of Ten Oakes had unhorsed him.

Dizzily, Shad made his way off of the field, accompanied by young squires who rushed out to assist him.

Deliberately, he ignored the jibes being hurled at him by the smirking noble knights off to his left. Knowing he couldn’t do much else, he kept his back iron rod straight and head held high as he went over to stand in front of the charts. With feelings of despair, he studied the tourney rankings. His unhorsing had knocked him down to a second rank. In order to win the prize money he desperately needed and to win a position as a true knight now he had to win every event. Also he would have to go against the smug faced Ralgar again.

His despair grew when he saw that he and Lesnie were the only poverty knights left in the competition against their more noble born opponents.

The best of them, Jorvis Merax had been removed due to his broken leg. Now Shad wasn’t sure what would become of their order. Queen Madelene, after the death of her husband, had called for new knights after the decimation of the ranks near the Shadowlands. Since there were not enough noble sons left to fill the vacancies, she ordered the ranks open to any and all who were of able body, sound mind and young enough to learn. If they proved themselves worthy, they would rebuild what was lost fighting off of the western death hoards. He still remembered the Deriaan nobles rebelling against the idea of commoners being allowed to take up arms or become knights as if it were yesterday. The nobles considered knighthood a position for those only of higher blood and didn’t want it stained by mingling with those of lesser birth.

Finally a compromise was reached between the noble houses and the Queen. ‘The Order of the Poverty Knights’ as Shad and his companions were called was formed.

Retired knights who couldn’t join in the actual fighting any more were ordered out of their castles to train them and to have them ready for the grand tournament where they were now.

A slight twist was added by the nobles though. In order for any of them to become true knights and to keep the order from being disbanded, one of them had to win one of the top three spots. Jorvis had been their best hope. The short, squat plain faced young man was their best fighter and had even been told by the retired knight trainers that he was better than almost anyone they knew of.

Lesnie Goldflower was as close a second as they came but no one really believed that the dark haired girl with the twinkling dark eyes could win. Not over the stronger men. If she did, she would be the first female knight in the realm.

There were female soldiers but never had any of them tried becoming a knight. If any could indeed succeed, Shad was certain it would be the determined woman. She seemed consumed by an overwhelming desire always to prove to everyone how good she was.

Shad felt in his heart that he had actually gotten lucky. By getting this far, the Lady, his goddess, must indeed be looking out for his mother.

I have to win! I just have to, he thought shaking his head, and not just third place for myself or the poverty knights. But win it all for my mother.

She had fallen ill while he had been away, and was going to die without a healer to save her. The gold from the winning purse would help her.

It’s my duty to make sure she receives what she needs. Over the course of his life, he knew she had always given up everything in order to provide for him and see him this far because she claimed that he was the bastard son of a great knight. That he had it in him to also become a great knight.

Still studying the charts with his light green eyes, Shad saw he had two bells until his next event. Close quarter weapons combat. He almost smiled, where he had been unhorsed with the lance, which according to his trainer could happen to almost anyone, he was the best out of the Poverty knights with the sword with the exception of maybe Lesnie and her amazing eye for weakness. His knight trainer had insisted that any man could get knocked off a horse but not every man could survive the fight afterward. He had chosen the sword for that and had been very well trained in its use.

Feeling a little bit better, Shad turned on his heel, heading towards the city. If he hurried he would have just enough time to learn a little more about his next opponent.

[chrispenycate]

he was a lot better off than the others who had rode before him.

ridden, rather than rode.

he kept his back iron rod straight and head held high

possibly a hyphen in "iron-rod", to stop others reading "Back-iron rod straight" as I did.

The best of them, Jorvis Merax had been removed due to his broken leg.

comma after "Merax"

Queen Madelene, after the death of her husband, had called for new knights after the decimation of the ranks near the Shadowlands.

is there any way to get rid of that repetition of "after"?

they would rebuild what was lost fighting off of the western death hoards.

what had been lost, and "hordes" rather than "hoards"

A slight twist was added by the nobles though

"had been" rather than "was", and a comma before "though"

If any could indeed succeed, Shad was certain it would be the determined woman

Possibly "this" rather than "the". I just find the definition a little weak.

Over the course of his life, he knew she had always given up everything in order to provide for him and see him this far because she claimed that he was the bastard son of a great knight. That he had it in him to also become a great knight.

That first sentence is a bit long without punctuation; possibly a comma after "far"? And I might be old hat but split infinitives upset me.

He almost smiled, where he had been unhorsed with the lance, which according to his trainer could happen to almost anyone, he was the best out of the Poverty knights with the sword with the exception of maybe Lesnie and her amazing eye for weakness.

Semicolon after smiled.

[BookStop]

Overall, I like it. you have a lot going on in a short space though, and I think the story could benefit with added detail. You've explained why there is a tournement, 2 reasons he wants to win, ranked all the knights already, had his dream explode, then have it again within reach, all without anything really happening. If you expand and give us some action and some set up, you'll have a much more interesting piece.

[limubai2000]

I like this also. I also agree with Bookstop. You have a lot going on in here and many details that already set part of your world up. But the drawback to this approach is the lack of action (aforementioned) and it seems like a mini-info dump.

Is there a way you could reveal a few of these things through some dialogue? Maybe one of the squires helping Shad off the field can make a comment which starts a short dialogue with Shad revealing some details of the tourney?

[mygoditsraining]

Just a small note - unless you really mean they lost 10% of their active knights in the shadowlands, please, please use a word other than "decimation".

On a more general note, it's a bit...wordy. I know that sounds odd, but it's really a reflection of what the posters say - there's a lot being told, and not a lot being shown. As result, it reads like as a plot summary more than the story itself.

Other than that, it's a nice premise - but we should be feeling the conflict as opposed to having all that ripe, juicy drama summarised in five sentences.