OK Final vesrion 4 now!

[2ndchance]

I have taken on board all that has been suggested, slept on it and re-written, I think this is some way toward where it should be. Bit wordy here and there but it's a draft.

Your veiws will be appreciated.

Humankinds

Second Chance

By Stephen M Davis

100 thousand words

Synopsis

It is the year 2076 and Earth is dying from pollutions created by man’s materialistic path. A group of ten thousand carefully selected individuals specialising in fields as varied as forestation to communications. The chosen are to venture in two huge space arks attempting to find an alternative planet to start again, given a ‘second chance’.



The story is centred around a small group of radio and communication experts on a ship known as Quest II. It follows their progress, their path that questions humankind’s choice between spiritual and material values, morality and religion, love, integrity and honesty. Some 800 people have family on the other craft and the understandable difficulties this poses.


One of the main characters Jezzel an Australian 24 year old surfing ‘dude’ is one of Melbourne’s most valued and funniest radio presenters. The early part of the book covers the turmoil he goes through not aware at this juncture that his wife has also been selected; both have been sworn to secrecy. Raqualla, Jez’s wife is now pregnant and has been designated to Quest I. Splitting families between the two crafts is a bad government design; it was believed it would maintain a strong bond between the two vessels which follow a similar path on a slightly different angle.


On Quest II Jez finds himself tempted by Roxy’s company, they form a natural bond, one that has the questioning attention of most within the communications team. This is just one of many issues the group face; Tim and Rachael who meet on Quest II are to marry, Melinda, the team leader eventually forms a relationship with Melissa. Kataleena an expert in forestation accidently poisons herself!



Then there are religious connotations which are discussed at length, does God go with them? Noah’s Ark in the future is briefly suggested. There are some diverse religious undertones scattered within the book. They question if mankind originated from a planet they discover known as Portia. They lose contact with the other vessel, this obviously causes anxiety. Having discussed the implications toward a spiritual choice and not one of materialistic greed, the Com’s team with the involvement of most people on board write a new constitution in readiness for their new home.

The craft has a variety of floors designated to everything from temperate to tropical forests and a whole lot in between. They discuss the importance that these areas serve to humankind’s welfare.



This book is science fiction, but, many aspects of space and Earth are based on researched evidence. The new planet is similar to how Earth would have been 1.6 million years ago when it had cooled, the polar caps had formed and the continents separated making way for the spread of mammals. The novel touches upon the traveller’s virtues and questions their ability to choose, particularly once they inhabit their new home. It is both funny and serious.



Thanks

Steve

[Teresa Edgerton]

You're still telling what the book is about instead of giving a summary of the story.

And this part

This book is science fiction, but, many aspects of space and Earth are based on researched evidence. The new planet is similar to how Earth would have been 1.6 million years ago when it had cooled, the polar caps had formed and the continents separated making way for the spread of mammals.

belongs in the cover letter, not the synopsis.

A synopsis should be like a story: This is the situation (briefly), this is what happens, then this, then this (etc.), and this is the outcome.

Concentrate on major events, challenges, and turning points, each one leading into the next.

If you are submitting to a mainstream publisher you need to concentrate far, far less on the religious aspects. Not that there is anything wrong with them, but they don't suggest dynamic storytelling, they suggest rambling philosophical musings (whether they come across that way in the story or not). If you are submitting to a publisher that specializes in religious fiction, then you'll want to leave more of that in, but integrate it into the action, or tell how it effects your main character specifically. That will make it seem more immediate and interesting.

[2ndchance]

Teresa,

My focus was completely in the wrong direction, hence just not getting it!

Thanks to you I think I know understand. My intention is to summarise each chapter and then put this into one short story, in the present tense. Leaving out the non essential including too much focus on religion.

Thank you so much for your time and effort. Apologies for being 'so thick'.

Steve

[Boneman]

Hee hee, I told you Teresa would get you in the end.....she's so damn good..... keep at it Steve.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Then there are religious connotations which are discussed at length

Are there phrases like this in the actual book? It sounds a bit odd, possibly a bit child like.

Then there are monsters.

Then there are cowboys.

If you see what I mean.

With monsters, religeous murders, death plots and palace intrigue.

Keep it moving along, don't have the agent falling asleep.

[2ndchance]

Thanks people, think I may have it, try this version 874 lol,

Boneman you were and are so right about Teresa.

By the way 'The Endisnigh' the book does not have sentances like that.

Humankinds Second Chance Synopsis:
It is the year 2076 and Earth is failing from global warming. Jezzel a strong, funny character, and Raqualla, Jez’s wife, both work in radio. Jez is requested to join a space ark, known as Quest 2. He faces emotional conflict unable to tell even Raqualla, who is now pregnant! Inconceivably Raq too has been chosen, however to travel on Quest 1! Jez is awaiting their departure at Sydney space port where he says his farewells to Raqualla.

The shuttle docks with the space ark, Jez realises this is the point of no return. He meets Melinda his team leader. In Jez’s room there is a wonderful cleansing area, made up from mosses taken from the Amazon rain forest, the water is totally self purifying.

Melinda’s team are to search for new planets in the ‘habitable zone’. Jez goes to the lounge where a beautiful woman with a sultry, smoky American accent introduces herself as Roxy, they have an instant rapport, their conversation is broken by a huge sphere appearing in the window having an inexplicable interwoven lattice of reds, oranges and browns, strewn as if it were melting, this is of course Mars. Jez and Roxy meet Melissa, Tim and Rachael; they talk philosophically about religion, their memories and the future. Jez finds he is able to talk via a link with Raqualla on Quest 1.

The ark enters a dense part of the Milky Way highlighting their implausible journey. Incredible images of stars and planets come and go, appearing before them like doorways in an endless chasm of discovery. Jez finds a planet known as Portia which appears habitable where a signal in a form of Arabic on a constant loop running for 35000 years is found. Portia is on natural repair process; terraforming platforms are put down to speed this process. Q2 moves forward where they discover another planet, the atmosphere is identical to Earth, unfortunately the planets entire surface is covered in water. The journey now enters deep space; it will take 80 days to reach Andromeda.

During this stark time in deep space they discuss compiling a new constitution. The main criteria to avoid the mistakes made on Earth. Savorn joins the group she is both eloquent and profound. Deimos from the science department enters and informs there are communication problems with Q1.

Andromeda is now 2 hours away. A truly amazing sight awaits them, a lilac cosmic mist strewn as far as the eye can see intermittent with the odd bright distant stars and dominated by a beautiful planet. Q2 moves into orbit around this planet, it is in a habitable zone; however they are unable to establish any facts so a probe is sent. The mood is optimistically pessimistic. Deimos exclaims the planet appears perfect with all the building blocks of life similar to how Earth was when the continents had separated and cooled making way for the evolution of the mammals.

Concerns are now high as they are still unable to establish contact with Q1. Jez sits with Roxy; he suggests he has almost forgotten what Raqualla looks like. Later Roxy tells Rachael of her love for Jez. Melinda’s group are to move to the planets surface the following day, starting colonisation. Jez steps off the shuttle to a truly wonderful experience, the air is warm with a slight breeze, which carries a sweet smell, and the grass is green with a strange blue tinge. There are clumps of bamboo like grasses with large canopy leaves inhabited by thousands of butterflies. The planet appears to have no intelligent life although there are many animals and mammals. As the community settles groups start to spread further afield. Melinda’s team is one of these groups and sets off in the direction of an area where the mountains meet the sea. During their journey they discover a group of large herbivores.

Once there they discover a forested area which due to its formation has a micro climate similar to a tropical rain forest. Kataleena again accidently poisons herself trying fruits and berries. Many of the group choose to stay here and set up a permanent camp however Roxy who is feeling left out chooses to return with many back to the base camp. Waking in the middle of the night she sets off back to Jezzel where both declare their love.



Steve

[Teresa Edgerton]

Thanks, Boneman. I've done enough of these things that I should have a pretty good idea how they're done.

2ndchance, this is soooo much better. But I think it still needs work. I'd cut out the descriptions of their travel though space -- the stars, the planets -- and what the ship is like, no matter how beautifully written, and put that same creativity into finding exactly the right words to powerfully convey the characters' challenges and emotions. Make those parts more vivid (while, of course, not slipping into purple prose). Leave out the exclamation points! They're fine if used sparingly in dialogue or a character's thoughts, but they look bad in narrative, because you should be conveying that same emphasis with words, not punctuation.

There is some technical stuff like run-on sentences and misspelled words (which I will leave to our members who like to do copy-editing) and you shouldn't be telling the agent or editor things that they should be deciding for themselves as they read the story -- like how implausible the journey is, and what a strong, funny character Jezzel is. They aren't interested in your thoughts or opinions about the story, they want to form their own.

But you've made a lot of progress.

[2ndchance]

Teresa,
Thank you, geeting there, once I got your earlier points I hurridely put this together. You rightly suggest stiil work to do but I now understand the platform and as a result it will now be much easier.
I will go away and put in some improvements taking on board what you say!!!! lol

Thank for your continued help, I assure you it is very highly valued, within your words your knowledge is clear.

Steve

[chrispenycate]

There is some technical stuff like run-on sentences and misspelled words (which I will leave to our members who like to do copy-editing)

Ooh, may I? It's a harmless enough perversion.

Slightly more seriously, I did a grammar/ punctuation run right at the beginning, and it did not seem to be what was sought (yes, passive, but it might keep my "he, she or it"s under control) But I've been longing to get that apostrophe in the title...

Originally Posted by 2ndchance

Thanks people, think I may have it, try this version 874 lol,

Boneman you were and are so right about Teresa.

By the way 'The Endisnigh' the book does not have sentances like that.

Humankinds

Humankind's

Second Chance Synopsis:

It is the year 2076 and Earth is failing from global warming. Jezzel

comma

a strong, funny character, and Raqualla, Jez’s wife, both work in radio. Jez is requested to join a space ark, known as Quest 2. He faces emotional conflict

comma

unable to tell even Raqualla, who is now pregnant! Inconceivably Raq too has been chosen, however

Perhaps put the "however" after the "travel"?

to travel on Quest 1! Jez is awaiting their departure at Sydney space port

comma

where he says his farewells to Raqualla.

The shuttle docks with the space ark,

Unless you put a "When" or an "As" at the beginning of the sentence (or an "and" here) this comma should be at least a semicolon and probably a full stop.

Jez realises this is the point of no return. He meets Melinda his team leader. In Jez’s room there is a wonderful cleansing area, made up from mosses taken from the Amazon rain forest,

semicolon, or perhaps a "making the water totally self purifying" type structure

the water is totally self purifying.

Melinda’s team are to search for new planets in the ‘habitable zone’.

The 'habitable zone' of which star? If (as would be indicated by the appearance of Mars) it's our sun, I don't think they're going to find many.

Jez goes to the lounge where a beautiful woman with a sultry, smoky American accent introduces herself as Roxy, they have an instant rapport,

full stop. Almost a new paragraph

their conversation is broken by a huge sphere appearing in the window having an inexplicable interwoven lattice of reds, oranges and browns, strewn as if it were melting,

semicolon.

this is of course Mars. Jez and Roxy meet Melissa, Tim and Rachael; they talk philosophically about religion, their memories and the future. Jez finds he is able to talk

comma

via a link

comma

with Raqualla on Quest 1.

The ark enters a dense part of the Milky Way

comma; and it's your job to make that journey plausible, not tell us it isn't. Since they are getting images, they can't be travelling faster than light, but they are definitely getting places faster than light does, so can I assume some sort of space warp?

highlighting their implausible journey. Incredible images of stars and planets come and go, appearing before them like doorways in an endless chasm

a yawning, gaping hollow of discovery?

of discovery. Jez finds a planet known as Portia

Known by whom? And where do they get the thirty five thousand year figure? Go thirty-five thousand light years away and wait for it to start?

which appears habitable where a signal in a form of Arabic on a constant loop running for 35000 years is found. Portia is on natural repair process; terraforming platforms are put down to speed this process.

try to avoid the repetition of "process"; and do you mean it's 'lying fallow' like an uplift planet. And Arabic didn't exist thirty-five thousand years ago; not even three thousand five hundred, though I suppose "a form of" would cover that.

Q2 moves forward

"to"

where they discover another planet,

full stop

the atmosphere is identical to Earth,

probably a "but" here, rather thn a new sentence.

unfortunately the planets

planet's

entire surface is covered in water. The journey now enters deep space; it will take 80 days to reach Andromeda.

During this stark time in deep space they discuss compiling a new constitution. The main criteria

are?

to avoid the mistakes made on Earth. Savorn joins the group

semicolon

she is both eloquent and profound. Deimos from the science department enters and informs there are communication problems with Q1.

Andromeda is now 2 hours away. A truly amazing sight awaits them, a lilac cosmic mist strewn as far as the eye can see

comma

intermittent with the odd bright distant stars and dominated by a beautiful planet. Q2 moves into orbit around this planet,

perhaps "which" rather than "it"

it is in a habitable zone; however they are unable to establish any facts so a probe is sent. The mood is optimistically pessimistic. Deimos exclaims the planet appears perfect

comma

with all the building blocks of life

comma

similar to how Earth was when the continents had separated and cooled making way for the evolution of the mammals.

Concerns are now high as they are still unable to establish contact with Q1. Jez sits with Roxy; he suggests he has almost forgotten what Raqualla looks like. Later Roxy tells Rachael of her love for Jez. Melinda’s group are to move to the planets

planet's

surface the following day, starting colonisation. Jez steps off the shuttle to a truly wonderful experience,

semicolon

the air is warm with a slight breeze, which carries a sweet smell, and the grass is green with a strange blue tinge. There are clumps of bamboo like grasses with large canopy leaves inhabited by thousands of butterflies. The planet appears to have no intelligent life although there are many animals and mammals. As the community settles groups start to spread further afield. Melinda’s team is one of these groups and sets off in the direction of an area where the mountains meet the sea. During their journey they discover a group of large herbivores.

Once there they discover a forested area which

comma

due to its formation

comma

has a micro climate similar to a tropical rain forest. Kataleena again

do we know she's done it a first time?

accidently poisons herself trying fruits and berries. Many of the group choose to stay here and set up a permanent camp

semicolon

however Roxy

comma

who is feeling left out

comma

chooses to return with many back to the base camp. Waking in the middle of the night she sets off back to Jezzel where both declare their love.

Steve

I marked a couple of words I find questionable in blue, and admit I snorted at finding the word "inconceivebly" following "pregnant", but that's just me. "Animals and mammals" meaning Linnaean taxonomy, primates, secondates and vermi?

[2ndchance]

Thanks chrispenycate,

I was hoping it would be you who did the grammar checks, not being a strong point of mine, I rather depend on 'Word' and such like to pick up certain aspects, although the book only has 1% passive!

I see your points about some of the words used however that is the way I intended them to be, questionable?? A form of Arabic intimating maybe 'we' originated from Portia?

I also see Teresa points about space etc however these are as integral to the story as are the characters so they have, in my opinion a valued place in the synopsis. that said I am working on more emphasis on the personalities of certain individuals, for example; frustratingly for Roxy, Jez platonically comments...>>>

One last question; when ready should I send this to agents in the US too and maybe even Aus?

Thanks Guys

[2ndchance]

Ok taken everything on board, made some changes, hope you guys like this. I think, thanks to you people we are getting close. Not made all the changes suggested, but 'hey ho' subjective we are assured, or reminded or told or..>>

I think now this is a true representation of my novel and am delighted with the results you guys have helped me compile. I have began to realise that when it is right I get a bit emotional as I read the last few words to myself, does that make sence. I see some comment on this being 'hard work'. I just dont get that, where is the hard or work bit in this? for me writting lifts my soul like nothing else, just a shame I waited until I am 51 (ouch). sheepishly bows his head and off toward the coffee machine>>>>>

Any way waffling done, hit me as they say,(whoever they are)

Humankind’s Second Chance Synopsis:
It is the year 2076 and Earth is deteriorating dramatically from the problems caused by human’s materialistic path. Husband and wife, Jezzel and Raqualla both work in radio. Jez is secretly requested to join a space ark, known as Quest 2. His emotional conflict is intense unable to tell even Raqualla. Unusually for Jez he trudges through his turmoil. To further compound Jez’s inner wrangle, Raqualla falls pregnant. Raq too has been chosen, unthinkably though for Quest 1.

Jez is awaiting their departure at Sydney spaceport where he bids farewell to Raqualla, maybe for the last time. As the shuttle docks with the space ark, Jez realises this is the point of no return. Melinda engagingly welcomes the Com’s team with an enlightening manner. ‘Guys, our job is to search for new planets in what are called the habitable zone. This will be in other systems; ummm it will become clear I assure you.’ Melinda smiles enigmatically, something they all learn to appreciate. Jez goes to the lounge where a beautiful woman with a sultry smoky American accent introduces herself as Roxy; she has an instant rapport with Jez. Later Jez meets Melissa, Tim and Rachael; this group’s mood is very philosophical. Throughout their journey along with Melinda and to some extent Roxy, they openly discuss religion, their dwindling memories of home and family. Jez suggests, ‘memories are like old friends who visit when you need them most’. This group are always optimistic of what the future may hold for them. Jez joyfully finds he is able to talk via a radio link with Raqualla.

The ark slows as it enters a dense part of the Milky Way, incredible images of stars and planets, come and go, appearing before them like doorways in an endless chasm of discovery. Jez now often at the forefront is using the ships scanning system. He and Tim discover a planet known as Portia that appears habitable. On Portia, a signal in a form of Arabic is exposed, running on a constant loop for 35000 years, raising thoughts that maybe this could be humankind’s original home. Portia is going through a natural repair process and is harshly uninhabitable; terraforming platforms are put down to speed this process so that they may return in the future. Q2 moves forward where they discover another planet, the atmosphere is almost identical to Earth. Unfortunately, the entire surface is covered in water. Web footed Melissa tentatively, as is her nature, suggests floating living areas.

The journey now enters deep space; it will take 80 days to reach Andromeda. During this bleak time in deep space, Melinda’s team are discussing the failings of humankind, Jez proposes compiling a new constitution with the main criteria avoiding the same mistakes. Melinda forms an assembly for this and Savorn effortlessly joins this group with her eloquent and profound comportment.

Deimos from the science department enters and with his quiet but assertive way informs all of communication problems with Q1. Andromeda is now 2 hours away. Upon entering a truly amazing sight awaits them, dominated by a beautiful lilac planet falling within Alpheratz’ the nearby stars habitable zone. Q2 moves into orbit around this planet and a probe is sent to the surface. Rachael and Tim who have now become very close are discussing how wonderful this planet is in appearance. Others join the chat and this creates an optimistically pessimistic mood. Deimos is unusually apprehensive, perhaps because of previous letdowns. Tentatively he suggests the planet has all the building blocks of life, he elucidates, ‘hmmm, so far it appears similar to how Earth was when the continents had separated and the Earth cooled paving the way for the evolution of the mammals.’ Wide-eyed, nodding he continues, ‘we do, however need some more checks before we know for sure.’

Concerns are now high as they are still unable to establish contact with Q1. Frustratingly for Roxy, Jez who has become very close but still maintains a distance. He platonically touches her on the shoulder, commenting he has almost forgotten what Raqualla looks like. Later Roxy has to confide in Rachael of her unrequited love for Jez. Melinda’s group are to move to the planets surface in a few days, starting colonisation. Jez steps off the shuttle to a truly wonderful experience, the air is warm with a slight breeze carrying a sweet smell, and the grass has a strange blue tinge. The planet appears to have no intelligent life although there are many animals and mammals. As the community settles, groups start to spread further afield. Melinda’s team is one of these groups and sets off to the north where the mountains meet the sea. During their journey, they come upon a group of large herbivores. Near to the sea in the foothills of the mountains, they discover a forested area that due to its unusual formation has a micro climate similar to a tropical rain forest. Flippantly Kataleena again poisons herself for the second time trying fruits and berries, much to the dismay of Jez. Many of the group choose to stay here and set up a permanent camp, however Roxy who is feeling left out chooses to return with many back to the base camp. Waking in the middle of the night, she sets off back toward Jezzel where both declare their love.

Thank you

Steve

[2ndchance]

I think I have moved on some way with this, so let me know good bad or indiferant!

Steve

[2ndchance]

Hmmmm just read it again, bit jumpy' needs stringing together, I guess when you are compressing 100k words into one page this is the danger.

Steve

Bit more work lol the content is there though?

[Boneman]

Have patience, my child....... we will hit you soon enough!!

[WafflesToo]

I have to admit that I avoided reading this several times (I despise environmental soap-boxim). But it sounds very interesting with a strong sense of humanity to it (the conflict between Jez, Raqualla, Roxy, and whomever Raq pairs up with sounds interesting).

I'm still worried that your political message is in danger of upstaging your actual story though.