OK Final vesrion 4 now!

[Peter Graham]

I don't know where you are planning to submit (I assume the UK), but virtually every agent wants a one page synopsis only. To pick up what Teresa and Boneman have been saying, your synopsis needs to be short, snappy and factual. You need to tell the reader how the plot unfolds, what happens to the characters and how they resolve it. We need to know the central tensions and the obstacles that need to be overcome.

I don't know exactly what an agent is hoping to see in a synopsis (if I did, I wouldn't be running a lucrative sideline selling paper bricks made out of rejection slips - incidentally, I had one last week with no fewer than three grammatical and spelling errors), but I wouldn't mind betting that they are looking for evidence of a strong, cohesive plot, clear character objectives and credible protagonists. You need to give them what they want. Don't tease or leave plotlines unresolved and don't say things like "x is funny and sassy" - characterisation will (or should) be obvious in the sample chapters which will accompany the synopsis.

The resulting synopsis may look a little dry, but read in conjunction with your covering letter and your sample chapters, an agent should be able to get a fair idea of your abilities.

And take time to make sure that the whole submission is grammatically correct and shows fluent use of language. Many people seem to believe that knowing how to write is less important than knowing what to write. I fundamentally disagree with this - would you engage a builder who had a wonderful idea as to what your extension should look like, but didn't have the proper tools and couldn't actually build a wall that stayed up?

Regards,

Peter

[2ndchance]

Thanks, ter-ee-sah (lol), Peter and Boneman,

I hope this is as painful for you guys as it is for me, I had an original synopsis that I did very soon after the last word in the book, one which I have not put up, thinking naively it to be no good, guess what, taking all you have said so valuable, into account, and having resurrected it, strikes me it fits the bill.

If I am honest I have lost my thread and my own personality (and will to live) to some degree, and maybe, put dynamite where it should not be.

OK off to tweak that and see where we are. I am back at work now (ouch) so time is a little more restrictive.

I have much food for thought though, so understanding all that, see you soon.

Steve

[2ndchance]

Into the valley of madness I rode, now look what’s happened, I am firmly ensnared between two. My original version that you have yet to see (396 words) and the version Tereesah liked, edited down to about half the size (506words) but maintaining its character.

Both fit comfortably onto one page so where now for Steve other than the obvious ‘funny farm’.

Help

Dare I submit both for your perusal?

[2ndchance]

Try this one for size, haha.



2076; Earth is on its last legs, mostly caused by pollutions shaped by human’s incessant materialistic preference. Selected in complete secrecy a group of ten thousand individuals specialising in many varied fields are to venture in two huge space arks with one hope, to find an alternative planet, to start again.

Jezzel a radio personality and communications expert discovers due to a poor organisational design plan his pregnant wife Raqualla selected for the other craft. This proves a tremendous heart-wrenching burden on both, however having finally discussed this they choose to accept their offer in the belief their baby may benefit.

The story now centred on Melinda’s small group of communication specialists follows their progress. They question humankind’s choice between spiritual and material values, ultimately arriving at this point leading to them outlining a new constitution. On Quest II Jez finds himself tempted by Roxy’s presence, they have an instant rapport, becoming almost inseparable, creating a foundation for the questioning attention of the others in this close-knit team.

Having discovered a signal emanating for thousands of years from a planet deep in the Milky Way, although now uninhabitable they unearth tentative evidence suggesting it may be humans starting point. It raises a deeply philosophical question, has humanity trodden this path before. Their craft considered by some a modern day Noah’s ark has many self-sustaining eco systems, sufficient to aid their long and unpredictable journey.

After months in deep space, they lose contact with the other craft, causing emotional turmoil. Discovering a planet that appears almost perfect, they start colonisation. After a couple of months, groups are ready to spread further afield. Melinda’s team are to head north where the mountains meet the sea.

There is still no contact with the other craft and Jez declares he is ready to move on with his life. Roxy blighted by her unrequited love of Jez, feels lifted. However soon after arriving at their new encampment, new team member Kataleena is working closely with Jez. Roxy now feeling left out makes a heart wrenching choice to leave Jez and head back to base camp. Disturbed and waking in the middle of the night and without provisions she heads back to Jez, they fall into each other arms declaring their love. Jezzel tells of the secret that he has kept for months; Raqualla had their baby terminated.

Having lost the will to live (nearly) if this is wrong I so don't want to find it. That said, I do still have the edited version Tereesah liked tucked up my sleeve with 5 aces, just in case you understand.

Steve

[Peter Graham]

It's better, but like I said, it needs to be grammatiically correct and fluently written. I'm afraid that this needs a fair amount of work:-

mostly caused by pollutions shaped by human’s incessant materialistic preference

This is ponderous, a bit meaningless and grammatically poor - "..as a result of irreversible pollution caused by Man" would read better.

Selected in complete secrecy

comma

] a group of ten thousand individuals specialising in many varied fields

Bad sentence structure - "ten thousand individuals, each with their own specialism"???

are to venture

out

in two huge space arks with one hope,

dash

to find an alternative planet, to start again.

to find an alternative planet and start again

Jezzel

comma

a radio personality and communications expert

comma

discovers

that

due to a poor organisational design plan

comma. And just leave it at "due to poor organisation"

his pregnant wife Raqualla selected for the other craft

.

his pregnant wife, Raqualla, has been selected to travel on the other ark

This proves a tremendous heart-wrenching burden on both

of them, but they decide to accept the offer in the interests of their baby.

The story now centred

centres

on Melinda’s small group of communication specialists

full stop

ultimately arriving at this point leading to them outlining a new constitution

This is garbled - "and ultimately decide to define a new constitution for the future"

On Quest II

comma

Jez finds himself tempted by Roxy’s presence,

just "tempted by Roxy"

they have an instant rapport, becoming almost inseparable, creating a foundation for the questioning attention of the others in this close-knit team.

Garbled and ponderous - "They establish an instant rapport, leading others in th eteam to suspect that they are having an affair"

Having discovered a signal emanating for thousands of years from a planet deep in the Milky Way, although now uninhabitable

Having discovered a signal emanating for thousands of years from a planet deep in the Milky Way which was previously believed to be uninhabitable,

they unearth tentative evidence suggesting it may be humans starting point

they unearth tentative evidence which suggest that this is where humanity originated

.

It

This

raises a deeply philosophical question, has humanity trodden this path before.

Question mark


I'm afraid I don't have time to finish the piece, but you get the idea.

I think you also need to order your thoughts - the synopsis jumps around and it can be confusing to follow. One minute we're with Jezzel, then we're with Melinda, then we're back with Jezzel.

I like the idea, though. Keep at it!

Regards

Peter

[2ndchance]

Thanks Graham,

While I am working on the synopsis and awaiting more feedback just to confuse me a little more lol.

One or two have suggested the title gives the game away, if I am honest I have never been happy since I added ‘Humankind’s’ to Second Chance. So a bit of debate, I have a couple of new ideas please add yours if you have one.

Time to start again

Departure

Starting over

Exodus (Thanx Boneman)

The migration of mankind

Where now?

When the Earth had noting left.

Second Chance (without the 'Humankind's)


Steve

[Teresa Edgerton]

I've had an idea for a while that you were probably trying too hard, and now that I've seen this new/old version that you didn't think was good enough -- and is, in fact, the best of the batch -- it looks like this has been true.

With a few small changes, I think it will be ready to go. Don't touch it until you've collected a lot of opinions and had a chance to weigh them. I don't think you need to rewrite it so much as refine it, so don't be in a hurry to make any changes. I'll be back with some of my own suggestions when I've had time to think about it.

Just relax and stop trying so hard. You knew how to write a synopsis all along, you just didn't know that you knew.

[2ndchance]

I rather hope, this may be it, I think grammatically it is close. I am happy with the way it reads, and so on. Please, do let me have your opinions though.

Steve



Second Chance synopsis:


Earth is in the grips of intense global warming, mostly caused by humanity’s incessant materialistic choices. Selected in complete secrecy, ten thousand individuals, each with their own specialist fields, are to venture out in two huge space arks, with one hope -- to find an alternative planet, and start again. The ship’s have many self-sustaining eco systems, sufficient to aid their long and unpredictable journey, and are considered by some a modern day Noah’s ark.

Jezzel, a radio personality, and communications expert, discovers that due to a poorly contrived plan, his pregnant wife, Raqualla, has been selected to travel on the other ark. This weighs heavy, emotionally, on both, but particularly for Jez, however having finally discussed this with Raq, they accept their offer in the belief their unborn baby may benefit.

Now aboard, Jezzel joins Melinda’s small communication group, they soon form a close-knit team. During their journey, they question the material values that lead them to this point, and ultimately, they decide to compile a new constitution for the future. On Quest 2, Jez finds himself tempted by Roxy, they have an instant rapport, becoming almost inseparable, and this has the questioning attention of others in Melinda’s team.

On a planet deep in the Milky Way, they discover a signal, emanating for thousands of years. Although this planet is now harshly uninhabitable, they expose tentative evidence, signifying man’s likely earlier existence. This raises a deeply philosophical question, has humanity trodden this path before?

After many months in deep space, Quest 2 loses contact with the other ark. This causes emotional turmoil for some. Their mood quickly lifts, when, finding an idyllic planet, appearing almost perfect, they start colonisation. A couple of months pass, and groups have settled well. Some are now ready to spread further afield, and Melinda’s team head north, where the mountains meet the sea.

There is still no contact with the other craft -- Jez declares he is ready to move on with his life. Roxy, for so long blighted by her unrequited love of Jezzel, feels lifted by this. However, soon after arriving at their encampment, new team member Kataleena is working closely with Jez. Roxette, now feeling left out, makes a heart-wrenching choice to leave Jez behind, and head back to base camp. Disturbed, and waking in the middle of the night, and without provisions, she heads back to Jezzel, where they fall into each other arms, declaring their love.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think this is quite good, although I do have a few suggestions that might make it a little better.

where they fall into each other arms, declaring their love

I think you can find a way of saying this that doesn't sound so cliché.

This causes emotional turmoil for some.

Since this is essentially Jez's story, perhaps you should emphasis his emotional turmoil, instead of sounding so vague.

This raises a deeply philosophical question, has humanity trodden this path before?

Are they just discussing this from a philosophical standpoint -- or is it a case of the deeply religious going into a spiritual crisis and the others having to talk them down? If the latter, it seems to me that you should express this in stronger terms.

Roxette

Since you haven't used this form of her name before, it seems odd to suddenly introduce it at the end.

Other than these suggestions -- and unless somebody else points out something that I've missed -- if you are satisfied that the manuscript is ready to go, I think you should send this out.

[2ndchance]

Thank you so much Tereesah.

You have helped me in a way, well you know what I think

I totally agree with the falls into each other arms bit, I have been struggling with that. As for the; trodden this path before, it is purely philosophical, profoundly so none-the-less. You are correct about Roxy/Roxette.

Emotional turmoil for some, there is a bit of a twist here, a lot is around Jez & Raq, others too, who have family on the other craft. the point is they are quickly lifted by finding ‘Delta.’ Also dare I say, Jez has a secret, which he only opens up to in the last paragraph. But then the book has many secrets, twists and turns. I know what you will say to this, but if I listed each big event, emotional turn, secret, or other wise the synopsis would be 20 pages. And, as you well know, it has come close to that ha ha.

You probably need to read the tale, and then you will know what I mean.

Steve

[2ndchance]

How is this for the end?

Disturbed, and waking in the middle of the night, and without provisions, she heads back to Jezzel, however seemingly lost – Jez, realising how important she has become, runs blindly in search, when finally together, they vow never to part.

Sorry it is still a little cliche' sadly it is though.

Steve

[TheEndIsNigh]

• How about :-

... they rush across the moor shouting their names to end in an eternal embrace.

I think you are still writing the story and not describing it's content.

You're also giving too much away. there's nothing left to discover even as the agent.

I can see her reading this and thinking :-

'Oh, the usual happy ending then, mmm...

this one might be mote interesting.'

Leave something for her to wonder about.

And I ain't no synopsis write (yet)

Disturbed(what -as in fruitcake?) and waking in the middle of the night, and without provisions, she heads back to Jezzel, however seemingly lost – Jez , realising how important she has become, runs blindly in search(what telepathically realising she's lookig at the same time?), when finally together, they vow never to part.

why not just-

Waking in the night, provisionless, she searches for the one person she discovers she needs. Will Jezzel submit to his feeling and return her love or will fate intervene to deny them both.

OK we all know the answer is yes but lets leave a smidgen of doubt her to want to find out.

[2ndchance]

Thanks End’

Not telepathy, the group she travels with, radio back stating, she has left a note to say ----.

Disturbed as in disturbed sleep, I believe this is a common enough use for the word.

Thanks for your suggestions I do have the (write words) now, just playing with them, to get in the correct order.

Interesting, your point about leaving them’ hanging a little, but so much advise has suggested this is a positive no-no.


Cheers Steve

[TheEndIsNigh]

I understood the reference to disturbed, it's just that your singling out a specific point and not the general flow of the story.

As I said we all really know the answer to the will they get it together it just leaves the possibility that there's something left to discover if she reads the full synopsis.

Of course I may be wrong, I shall now sit back wait for Teresa to tells me off

[C Of K]

Hmm. Tell them every most important detail you can fit onto a snappy little synop. The ending would be one of them. If your synop can interest an editor without having to make him guess what will happen, your foot could be in the door. Could you imagine the frown on an editors face if you make him/her guess? Guessing is a luxury. Assume they don't have time to guess about your story.

One of the things that struck me about the last version is that nothing seems to draw it all together. Whatever reoccurring theme or moral you put in the synop didn't seem strong enough. This story seems to be about the very personal emotions of 3 people more than anything else. Their relationships should play out strongly from beginning to end.

It just seems like you wrote that a married couple gets on two different boats, and the man falls in love with someone else when he can't contact his wife. All of a sudden this other girl comes into the picture and is forgotten just as fast. The. End.

The makings of something nice is there.

Somewhere along long the way that footnote, Kataleena, is dropped on your synop! She's not worth the space even if she is in the story. The story always seemed to be about a certain 3 people. I would keep this synop focused on the emotional triangle, and not the square (if you know what I mean) That way you can have more space to justify what happened between Jezel and Roxy at the end.

Justification. Whether they did a good thing or a bad thing at the end -- explain it better. I really don't know what to think about what Jezel has done. I mean, sure, who really needs that kind of justification in real life? Marriages break up everyday! The car goes one way, and the house another. Simple. Right? But this is a story, and it should be held apart from real life no matter how realistically it is written. Much of the power in bringing a book to a close comes in the messages we leave throughout the writing, and the synop can portray some of that power.

I just don't see a hint of it here. But that's not hard to fix.

Your synop is very wordy in places, and you even repeat some of the same Ideas at times. I would cut out a lot of the wordiness, and the part about Kataleena, in favor of elaborating on the emotional make-up of your story.